[as the video opens with Doja Cat riding on the head of a giant animated horned-creature]
Whoa! Whoa, what is that thing?
Old Butt-headUhhh, I think it's like, from Dr. Suess or something.
Oh yeah. You know, the thing about Dr. Suess is, he's not very good, you know? It's like... he'll say like, "There's a cloothplush on my toothbrush!" And then he just draws a fake animal, you know? Anyone could do that!
Old Butt-head
Dr. Seuss sucks.
See, it's like that chick there, you know I could say, "Oh, that chick is named Zood, and she gives me wood!" See?
Old Butt-head
Uh, whoa! That was pretty good, Beavis. Whoa! We should write a children's book.
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's easy, you know? Anyone can do it.
Old Butt-head
Uh, we'll call it "Zong and His Schlong."
Oh, I know, I know! "It is the land of Zshoing, that's where I'm going. Because the chicks there make me go boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!"
Old Butt-head
And then like, that animal there, we could call it a Lumbass. And then like, someone could say "What is that?" "It is a Lumbass, dumbass!"
Next thing you know, we're beloved by children.
Old Butt-head
"There once was a Kwut, who looked like a butt. When he stood up, people said, 'Uh, what?'" Or something.
There, see? See? That's like- that's like ten pages right there!
Old Butt-head
Oh yeah! Okay Beavis, get to work drawing a Kwut.
[pulls out a notepad] Yeah, okay. What does it look like?
Butt-head
Uh, I already told you, he looks like a butt. You're just like the Lumbass who's a dumbass.
Oh yeah, I love that guy! Okay, let me put that in there... wait a minute! You know, "Lumbass the Dumbass" could be a whole other book! We could have two books!
Old Butt-head
Uh, oh yeah.
I mean, you could do a whole series, you know? You could do like, um, "Kwut the Butt Goes to the Doctor."
Old Butt-head
Yeah. "His name was Dr. Zucks. And he sucks."
Boy, this stuff just writes itself.
Old Butt-head Yeah. "He had a friend named McVestibles, who looked like a pair of testicles."
Yeah, we'll probably even like win an award for, like, teaching kids about their- you know, their body parts. You know, we make it fun.
Old Butt-head
"The award was called the Schnads, and it looked like a pair of golden nads."
Oh oh, and then maybe someone will make it into a movie so we don't have to read it!
Old Butt-head
That would be cool. You know how people always say the book was better than the movie? No one will say that about this movie.
Yeah, it's gonna be cool!
BBBeavis and Butt-head
I-ight!
Butt-head
I-ight!
BBBeavis and Butt-head
I-ight!
Hey, Butt-head. Isn't "I-ight" what that dude Gilligan says when that fat dude tells him to do something?
Butt-head
Yeah. He's like, "I-ight, Skipper! Here are those coconuts!"
Yeah, yeah. Or like, "I-ight! I brought some of the explosives out of the lagoon!"
Butt-head
Yeah. That Skipper dude is a bunghole. [imitating the Skipper] "Uhhhhh, Gilligan!"
Yeah. He should go, like, "I quit, fat dude. You can get your own damn coconuts. I-ight! I-ight!"
Who is this, Smart Butt-head?
Smart Butt-head
This is an Earthling named Ronnie Dunn. He is a singer of country songs. He is the best and smartest that Earth has to offer. He has won 27 Academy of Country Music awards for master works such as "Cost of Livin'", and "Mama Don't Get Dressed Up for Nothing."
Ah, yes. So country music has an academy?
Smart Butt-head
Yes they do. Perhaps we could teach there, if they don't already have instructors in non-gravitational propulsion, or advanced mathematics across fractional dimensions.
We would instantly be the smartest professors at the country music academy, for humans are stupid.
Smart Butt-head
Yes. Very stupid.
Smart Butt-head
Notice the females are becoming intoxicated. It is part of their ritual of scoring. On this planet, the slut is shamed.
Ah, yes yes. Quite primitive, quite primitive.
Smart Butt-head
Yes. Your mother is a slut. I had non-procreational sexual intercourse with your mother.
Thank you, Smart Butt-head. I am honored, for on our planet, we have realized long ago that the slut is not to be shamed, but to be honored.
Smart Butt-head
Yes, and your mother is quite honorable.
Again, thank you, Smart Butt-head.
Smart Butt-head
It is said that there are more men that have been inside your mother than there are Planck lengths in the entire diameter of the universe.
... Let us talk more about this video, Smart Butt-head, and not of my mother. [a horseback rider is seen] Is this the cowboy's wife?
Smart Butt-head
I believe that it is called a horse, Smart Beavis.
I did not ask you to evaluate the wife's appearance, Smart Butt-head. I'm just asking, are they married?
Smart Butt-head
Humor detected.
Yes, humorous. Quite humorous.
Smart Butt-head
Yes, yes. Humorous in the way of the belt of the borscht.
Yes, yes. And the mountainous region of the Catskills. Yes.
[as a group of firemen are shown]
Butt-head
Yeah.
Those firemen, they're always like, like, being heroes and getting medals and stuff, but all they do is just sit around and wait and play checkers and like um, do bachelorette parties, and then as soon as I wanna burn something, they come and put it out! Yeah. I remember the first time I found out what firemen do, I was little, and I was in this vacant lot, and I started a fffire, and then the firemen showed up, and then they, they brought out this firehose, and I was like "Yeah, cool, a fffirehose! Yeah!" But guess what comes out of the firehose. Just guess, I want you to guess.
Butt-head
Everyone knows what comes out of a firehose.
No no, it's not what you think. I'll give you a hint: it's not fire. It's water! Can you believe that? And then they just put it out, and then they told me a bunch of stuff, how fire is bad, and then they took me back to my mom. You know, they should call them watermen! Yeah. That's what I call them, when I'm not calling them "son of a bitches."
Butt-head
You thought firemen start fires?
Yeah yeah, I mean, you know, the garbage man just like spreads garbage everywhere, I mean why not? I just thought, you know, the fireman, yeah. I mean they did save my life four times, you know, so... yeah, maybe they're not all bad, I don't know. Son of a bitches. Never meet your heroes.
[honey is being poured on fruit]
Butt-head
Whoa! They're putting honey on grapes?
Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Yeah. Remember that movie where they buried that guy up to his neck, and then like, put honey him and brought out the ants?
Butt-head
Yeah! That was cool.
Yeah. Yeah. I tried that once, but it's like, it's like, I buried myself up to my neck, and just like, I forgot to get the honey.
Butt-head
You dumbass.
So it's like, so then I dug myself out, but it's like, I was too lazy to like, you know, do it again.
Butt-head
Yeah. Remember that time I tried to bury you up to your neck?
Yeah, but you did it wrong. The guy in the movie was, like, feet first.
Butt-head
Oh yeah. Then you got all freaked out and ran up and down the street with your pants around your ankles.
I didn't really run, I just kinda hopped. It was cool.
[as soup gets made in the video]
Butt-head
Uh, I think they're making soup.
Oh, yeah yeah. You know what they always say about soup, Butt-head. It's always better the next day, you know what I mean? Wonder if um, wonder if they put soup in this video because this is like- maybe it's one of those songs that sounds better, like, the second time you hear it?
Butt-head
Uh, no. I saw this video yesterday. It sucks worse now.
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes