Wayne quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Wayne

Did you get it?

Neville

Yeah. The decent thing to do, wasn't it? Cheers, Wayne.

Wayne

It was no bother, son. Well, show us, then. [Neville gets the jewellery out of the bag. Wayne has a closer look - it's the locket he gave to Ingrid on their date. He's lost for words!]

Neville

Aye, there they go. Off to their nice comfortable homes.

Bomber

Aye. They'll have a big tea waiting for 'em, a glass of foaming beer, slippers warming by the fire.

Wayne

Yeah, then it's feet up in front of Coronation Straße and a quick bit of the ol' leg over on the settee.

Is that all you think about, Wayne? Turking?

Wayne

Only when I'm awake, Moxey. At night, when I'm dreaming, I think of carpentry, don't I(?)

Oz

Right, what's it ganna be tonight, boys, then? A nice bit of gourmet cooking out the hut then a couple of gallons of beer at the club?

Dennis

That's a good idea, Oz, we haven't done that for, er, twenty-four hours(!)

Barry

Actually, Dennis has hit on a very serious point here, y'know. I've been reading this book recently about health food, see, and I reckon our dietary habits leave a lot to be desired, I do, mate. Especially from the point of view of roughage.

Oz

[Turns to Barry] What's roughage?

Barry

Roughage?

Oz

[Notices Dennis laughing] What's the matter wi' you?

Barry

Look, if your bowels were Jericho, roughage would be a trumpet. [Dennis and Wayne laugh.]

Oz

Oh! Senna pods, like?

Barry

Well... not quite, no. I'm thinkin' more on the lines of bran, or er... you know, a nice vegetable curry.

Oz

Oh.

Dennis

Aye. It's a pity we're in Germany, Barry. Still, 'ey, you could nip out to Bradford for a takeaway.

Barry

Oh, yeah.

[Calling out to Bomber] Herr Busbridge? Come, please. Telephone.

Bomber

For me?!

Neville

Go on, Bomber. It's probably Littlewoods, you've won the jackpot.

Bomber

Not with my luck, I ain't. Get my money, will you, Nev?

Neville

Aye, sure.

Dennis

Hey, Bomber! Do Barry a favour, ask Ulrich if he knows of any Indian restaurants. [Bomber follows Herr Ulrich into the site office.]

Ah. There. [Points to a phone off the hook.] I will leave you alone, it's your wife.

Bomber

My wife?! [Picks up the receiver] Hello, Patsy? What's the matter, girl?

Barry

All right, Wayne?

Wayne

I might be, son. Look. [Points to a teenage girl at the gate of the site looking in. She looks about sixteen years old.]

Barry

Oh, I see. Yeah. While we ordinary mortals have to put up with a cup of coffee and a bar of Toblerone, Wayne's idea of tiffin is entirely different.

Wayne

Yeah, well, son. She's been hanging around for half an hour, so she must want something, eh?

Barry

I've never heard of rock groupies, Wayne, but never cement groupies.

Wayne

Yeah, Barry. I'll use that as my opening line. [Walks towards the girl]

Barry

I wonder if you can grow bromide.

Wayne

Guten Tag! Eh? Wie gehts?

Sorry, I... don't speak German.

Wayne

Heyyy, you're a long way from home, ain't ya? What is it? A netball tour of Europe or something, darling?

No, I've come to see my dad. He works here.

Wayne

Oh yeah?

"Bomber" Busbridge he's called. I'm Tracy.

Wayne

[His face falls, knowing what Bomber would do to him if he tried it on with her] Oh... I've got news for you, Tracy. He's not here, is he? No, he took off last night, back to Bristol to try and find you.

Oh, bugger it!

Wayne

Yeah. Um... [Looks into the site] Look, you can't hang around here, love. There's hordes of randy Turks on this site. Come up here. [They meet at the gate, Wayne gives Tracy some money] Take this, right? Now, there's a bar down the road. You can get a nice cup of coffee and a game of pinball. Er, if you hang on there 'til one o'clock, me and some of your dad's mates'll come and sort it out, alright?

Ta.

Wayne

All right. [She starts to walk off, but then stops and turns round.]

What's your name, then?

Wayne

Wayne, ain't it

Thank you, Wayne. See you at one, then! [Having taken a shine to Wayne, she heads for the bar]

Wayne

Mind how you go, love(!) [Heads back on site.]

Dennis

All reet, Wayne?

Wayne

Bomber's daughter's here.

Oz

Where? Here?

Wayne

Yeah. And between you, me and the gatepost, mate, she's a right piece of jailbait!

Oz

Where is she?

Hello, Wayne.

Wayne

Hello.

Oz

[Shoves the worker away.] Hey, you. You're wanted on deck.

Wayne

Erm... Tracy, these are some of your dad's mates. [Points to them] That's Neville, Oz and Dennis.

Oz

Hello!

Dennis

Hello, love. Er, right then, love, let's go and have a sit down, shall we? [They go find a table.] Okay. Over here, then, pet. That's it. There you go.

Oz

[Aside, to Wayne] I see what you mean about "jailbait".

Dennis

Er, Oz, get the beers in, will you?

Oz

Right, yeah.

Dennis

[To Tracy] What will you have to drink, love? Will you have a Coke or a 7-Up?

Oh, I'd like a Williams schnapps, please. My dad told me all about it.

Oz

Right. [Claps his hands, about to approach the bar.]

Dennis

[Sotto voce to Oz] Coke.

Oz

Well, she's just said...

Dennis

Coke! Coke. [While Oz gets the drinks, the others sit at the table.]

Neville

So, how'd you get here, then, pet?

I hitched. Got a juggernaut from Swindon right over to Bremerhaven. He was called Wayne too, only that was his last name. [Wayne tries to look away.]

Dennis

Uh-huh. Er, now, then, I take it that you know your dad's not here, Tracy.

Yeah, the silly sod's gone back home!

Dennis

Well, I mean he only did that because he was worried about you, you know?

There was no need to worry, I'm sixteen. I'm old enough to look after myself.

Dennis

Mm-hmm?

Wayne

Erm... What are you gonna do then, love, eh?

Dennis

Well, er, obviouly I think we should phone Bomber and let him know that Tracy's safe. [To Tracy] In the meantime, I think you should stay with us. Now then, er, I know you're a big girl, Tracy, but this is a foreign country, y'see.

Does that mean I can stay in your hotel?

Oz

[Approaching with the drinks] Hotel?!

Yeah. My mum said that's where you all live. It's got a bar and video games and swimming pool, hasn't it?

Neville

The pool's empty just now, pet.

Wayne

Hey... how are we going to get her in past the Erics, eh? I mean, we can't leave her here all afternoon, can we?

Dennis

Hmmm... Did any of you ever see Albert R.N.?

Oz

[Sat on his own on a table behind Wayne and Tracy] I seen Albert Bennett. Oh, what a centre forward he was!

Dennis

Right. Take Tracy inside, Wayne.

Wayne

Here, love, come on. [Tracy enters, followed by Wayne. Dennis shuts the door behind them.]

Dennis

Right, Neville, listen. Nip over and warn Barry and Moxey we've got a lady guest, right? That means no swearing, no swanning around bare-arsed, no... [Quieter] No breaking wind, right, unless it's underneath the sheets. Okay? [Neville rushes off.] All that aplies to you, Oz. In fact, especially to you.

Oz

All right, all right, I know how to go on, man.

Dennis

And another thing, an' all, let's have all those pornographic pin-ups off yer locker, right?

Oz

That's not pornography, Dennis. That's art!

Dennis

Fräulein Oktober's art?

Oz

Aye.

Dennis

Look, I'm gan out to phone Bomber, right? Just get them off!

Dennis

Right, lads! I reckon we should go down the club.

Wayne

Eh, hold on! What are we gonna do about Tracy, eh? We can't take her down the club! Apart from six geezers and one bird, lookin' a bit dodgy, mate! She can probably drink us right under the table!

Dennis

I know, and that's exactly, why you're gonna stay here and look after her.

Wayne

ME?!

Neville

Wayne?!

Dennis

Yes, Wayne. Look man, you've got much more in common with her than anybody else. I mean things like, er, music.. and hair... earrings...

Neville

Hold on, Dennis. I don't mean to be rude, but is Wayne really the right bloke to be babysitting a sixteen-year-old girl?

Barry

Yeah, it'll be like putting the rat in charge of the cheese larder!

Wayne

I don't know whether or not to be flattered or insulted by you lot!

Dennis

Look man, I can't do it, can I? I'm old enough to be her father. I mean, Neville, he'd be the obvious choice, but he's going out again, isn't he? I mean... Barry and Moxey would bore the poor girl to death with their herb talk, wouldn't they, eh? And guarding a bog door's about the limit of Oz's responsibility! So that just leaves you, son!

Wayne

Yeah, well I can see your reasoning, Den, but look, you can't have helped but notice that Tracy's a bit of a... you know, she's a little bit of a come-on, isn't she?

Dennis

Yes, I know! And who better to cope with her than a man of the world like you, Wayne, eh?

I've got it. It's like them American TV films in there, you know? Where they get an ex-con to go after with the bad guys. 'Cos he's the one who knows how they think.

Dennis

Moxey, you've just hit the nail on the head, son!

Wayne

Oh, well thank you for that tribute, Moxey(!) ...So you all trust me then, is that it?

Dennis

Course we trust you. Look, I mean... You know that she's Bomber's daughter, don't you?

Wayne

Yeah...

Dennis

And you know that we've put our complete trust and faith in you? And you know that, er, if you lay so much as one finger on her, we'll have your plums on a skewer.

Guten Abend.

Bomber

Oh, table for seven... [Holds up six fingers and a thumb] Seven, eh?

Seven. Moment. Ich hole... (I get...) [Goes off.]

Oz

Just pull the tables together, man. [He pulls two tables together and they all take their seats.]

[To Bomber] Just like that one in Taunton, isn't it, dad?

Bomber

Very nice. Very nice.

Wayne

[To Moxey] Hey, I tell you what, we should get Barry a vindaloo, eh? That'll get him back on the old beer.

Get 'im back on the portaloo an' all! [They all laugh. Except Barry.]

Barry

Ha-ha. Very funny(!)

Dennis

Right, listen, Oz, I'll handle it this time, okay? We don't want your Give Us a Clue routine upsetting the waiter. All right, Lionel?

Oz

All right. All right. Well, let's get him out. [Calls out] Hey, Sabu! [A waiter enters... it's Neville!] Bloody hell, it's Clive of India! [Everyone turns and looks at Neville]

Dennis

Whoa! I've heard of the northwest frontier, but never the northeast!

Wayne

[Laughs] That's what you've been doing, eh? Starring in Aladdin!

Neville

[Not amused] Aye, aye. Go on. Get 'em all over with!

Bomber

Oh, I should think we've only just started, boyo. [They laugh.]

Dennis

[Singing] Oh doctor, I'm in trouble...

Goodness gracious me!

Neville

[Angry] That's right! Aye, have a good laugh! Just 'cos I show a bit of initiative and get meself a part-time job!

Dennis

What on earth is Brenda saving for to reduce you to this, eh?

Neville

Well, if you must know, it's our fifth wedding anniversary later this year. I thought it'd be nice if we had a second honeymoon.

Wayne

Dressed like that, eh? Lovely?

Neville

Give it a rest, Wayne, man, will yer?

Oz

So where were you thinkin' of goin'? New Delhi?

Neville

Dunno. Probably the same as the first time - Minorca.

Oz

I still dunno where Minorca is.

Neville

How do you think I feel? Neither do I!

Dennis

How much do ya need, then?

Neville

That's just it, I've nearly got enough, Dennis. I'm just seein' out the week. I never thought you lot would find out.

Dennis

Well, I tell you what, you get the order right tonight, we'll all put a good tip in, won't we, lads?

Oz

Oh aye, aye, aye. Now that we've got that... [Cracks up] ...Now that we've got that sorted out, can we have a bit of service, Gunga Din?

[Laugh. Then they start singing again as Neville gives them their menus] It goes boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom boom boom!

Wayne

[Shouts out as Neville makes for the kitchen] New lamps for old! New lamps for old!

Oz

Hey! Neville! Have they got any, er, chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows as a humiliated Neville retreats into the kitchen]

Dennis

Bauer's right. It's full of holes. Look! According to this police report, they saw this girl, this Bettina, near the street where she lives. The patrol car spotted her, noticed she was in distress, but she ran away. They followed her on foot and caught up with her.

Oz

So what exactly is the point?

Dennis

Look, she ran away, right? She didn't report it. She didn't go to the police or register a complaint or whatever they call it.

Wayne

Right. so when she sees the law, does a runner.

Dennis

Absolutely.

Barry

Hmmm... but see, the prosecution might argue that the girl evaded the police because she didn't want the aggro, like. Oz, you see, most rape cases, they don't get reported, you know, because the victim don't want the stigma.

Oz

Oh, aye?

Dennis

Yeah, fair enough, Barry, fair enough. But the other alternative is, she was, er... trying to protect somebody.

Neville

The boyfriend!

Bomber

Boyfriend?

Neville

The bloke she was with in the bar.

Bomber

There were shaggy-haired louts round her.

Barry

Ah! Nev's right. There was, there was one bloke in particular, right. She was having a right ding-dong with him, right? He looked very beady when Nev went off with her.

Wayne

[Turns to Neville] Ah, that's why she tried to pull you, then. To get up the other geezer's nose.

Bomber

You mean it weren't Nev's irresistible charm? [Oz and Bomber chuckle]

Well... listen, I get friends. We find these... who you look for.

Oz

[Gets up] That's more like it! Let's find the bastards and give 'em a good...

No, I think...

Oz

Aye, I think so!

Dennis

You just stay put, Oz!

Bomber

[Stands up in front of Oz] Pipe down, prannet! [Oz sits back down again.]

We know the bars, speak language. Ask questions.

Bomber

You need someone to identify them.

Barry

[Gets up] You and me go, Bomb. We'll know them.

Bomber

Right, by Jove. [He, Barry and Helmut leave the hut]

Neville

I think they had a jeep.

I'll make some coffee. [Gets up.]

Dennis

[To Bomber, Barry and Helmut] Good luck, lads!

Wayne

I'm going for a shower. Fancy a couple of jars later, Nev?

Neville

Right. You're on, Wayne. [Wayne leaves. Neville turns to Dennis] A thing like this really lets you know who your friends are, eh?

Dennis

You're right there, it does that. Listen, er... there's something I've got to tell you.

Oz

[Gets up again] Look, I'd better get over the bar as well. I'll see you later, lads! [Oz makes a hasty exit.]

Neville

...What?

Dennis

Brenda. She's coming over.

Neville

What?!

Dennis

She knows all about it.

Neville

How did she find out?

Dennis

You didn't ring on Monday, yer see. She panicked, she rang the site... Oz was passing, like.

Neville

[Gets up, annoyed.] Oz! I might have bloody known!

Dennis

Look, it wasn't entirely Oz's fault, Neville! Yer know, I mean, he was caught on the spot. I mean, he couldn't explain why you weren't available without her thinking you were ill or something. Anyway, I rang her straight back. But she was adamant. Anyway, she missed today's flight, but she'll be over first thing in the morning.

Neville

They should've kept me inside.

Dennis

What for, bonny lad?

Neville

'Cos I'm gonna kill Oz!

Barry

Where have the lads gone?

Wayne

[Drying his hair] Swimming. Can you believe, hey?

Barry

Ahh, that's a good idea.

Wayne

Why?

Barry

Well, it's exercise, innit?

Wayne

It's madness, son. Madness!

Barry

No it's not.

That Nev, he's into all them health things, isn't he?

Wayne

Yeah. Tried to get me jogging the other week. I says, "No way." Told him what happened to my brother-in-law.

Barry

What did happen?

Wayne

Well, he's into all that, in't he? You know, running, weights, calis-bleeding-thenics, whatever they call it. Mind you, you gotta bear in mind that bloke's a bit of a nutter, otherwise he wouldn't have married my sister, would he?

Barry

I don't know your sister, do I?

Wayne

Nah, you're well out of there, ain't ya, son? Anyhow, he goes jogging every weekend, don't he? He's got all the gear and that, you know, the Adidas tracksuit, headband. So I says to 'im, I says, "You'll do yourself an injury, you will". I was right, weren't I?

Barry

How'd you mean?

Wayne

Well, he only tries to jog across the red light at Catford Roundabout, don't he? Got hit by a juggernaut bound for the A2 to Dover. Laugh? I nearly bought me own beer!

Barry

In the sexual jungle, you're a predator you are, Wayne.

Wayne

I work alone, if that's what you mean. Don't go in mob-handed like the lads. All they do is booze and talk about it. By the time they've worked up the nerve to do summat, they're all too incapable.

Barry

Have you no desire to form a permanent attachment?

Wayne

Nah.

Barry

Until one day, though...

Wayne

Well, maybe.

Barry

I got engaged once. I think I still am in fact.

Wayne

What? Don't you know?

Barry

Well... I never broke it off officially, like. And she's still got the ring.

Wayne

D'you still see her?

Barry

No.

Wayne

Well, d'you write?

Barry

No.

Wayne

Does she write to you?

Barry

No.

Wayne

Do you care?

Barry

No, I don't like her very much.

Wayne

Why'd you get friggin' engaged then?

Barry

I forgot. Er, I think it was 'cos her dad had a spare season ticket for Wolverhampton Wanderers.

Wayne

Oh, well. Obviously. I mean, that could make a lad's heart sink, couldn't it(?)

Barry

Am I... Am I really a radish, Wayne?

Wayne

Oh, don't have an identity crisis. Not on me day off, time's slipping by.

Barry

Well if I'm in your way, I should just, you know...

Wayne

No, I said I'd fix us up, didn't I? Now just bide your time. No need to panic. All you gotta realise is there's thousands of 'em out there. I mean, birds are like the Chinese army - once you've jumped a few, you think that's it for a while, and there's a whole new battalion comes over the hill.

Barry

I only want one.

Wayne

Yeah, well that's where you and me differ, son. I want the lot!

Barry

I've never been that ambitious meself.

Wayne

Barry... [Noticing two ladies sitting at a table behind Barry, smiling at them] I think our prayers have just been answered.

Barry

How'd you mean?

Wayne

Look behind ya. [Barry starts to turn] Don't look now! Show some cool.

Barry

Oh... [Turns awkwardly towards the ladies to get a glimpse, then back to Wayne] Oh aye, they're very, er, very tasty. What do we do now?

Wayne

Not us, son. You.

Barry

Me?!

Wayne

Yeah, you're the one that's gotta prove himself sooner or later. You have to show what you're made of. Now we've already had a flash.

Barry

Have we?

Wayne

Yeah, when they came in. [Winks] A bit of the old eye contact. Halfway there, aren't we? Now remember, don't go promising them the world, right? Or go through all that boring preamble. Just get straight to the point. Bit of dazzling repartee.

Barry

Straight to the point, like?

Wayne

Right. [Nods in the direction of the ladies.]

Barry

[Turns to the ladies] Hello. Er... would you like to come back to our hut? [Wayne facepalms]

Wayne

Hey, there is a god, Barry! Cop them!

Barry

[Turns to look at the flight attendants] My goodness, air hostesses!

Wayne

Stewardesses they call themselves nowadays, ya nerk. [Knocks on the window. One of the flight attendants winds the window down.] D'you speak English?

Yes.

Wayne

Thought you would in your job. Where are you from?

Sweden.

Barry

[To himself] Sweden?

Wayne

I thought you were Swedish. Something about your flawless complextion told me that.

Yes, but what do you want?

Wayne

Me? Oh, nothing. It's just that me and me chauffeur here are sort of strangers in a foreign land. Much like yourselves. Only we were feeling very depressed, and caught a glimpse of you two and it, well... just sorta lifted our hearts.

[Not understanding] Just what?

Wayne

Made us feel... glad all over.

Barry

[To Wayne] What's happenin'?

Wayne

[To Barry] It's hard to tell, son. We're dealin' here with the Swedish mentality, which is pretty inscrutable at the best of times. [The two attendants chat to each other in Swedish]

We are very flattered that you feel this way. [The traffic lights turn green and the taxi pulls away.]

Wayne

We're away, son. Follow that car! [Barry revs up the bike... which promptly stalls.] Come on!

Barry

All right, all right! [The taxi drives away]

Wayne

The lights have changed!

Barry

I know. Bloody hell!

Wayne

You friggin' radish, Barry!

Barry

Stop calling me that, please! [Barry finally restarts the bike and sets off.]

Wayne

You've lost 'em!

Barry

They took a left.

Wayne

If you lose 'em, I'll hang for you, Barry. I swear it, I'll hang for you!

Barry

I'll take a short cut.

Wayne

How?

Barry

I'll cut across there, look.

Wayne

Well, be careful, then. [They ride through a small park, down a slope...] Jesus Christ! [...and crash into a pond! Fortunately for them, they splash-landed outside the Hotel Inter-Continental, where they see the Swedish flight attendants get out of their taxi.] See? Overnight stop, innit?

Barry

Well, shall we go in then, or what?

Wayne

[Covered in mud, as is Barry] Go in? You seen the state of us? We look like a pair of motocross riders!

Barry

Ohhh. Suppose we'd better go back and get cleaned up then, eh?

Wayne

Right. We shall return.

Neville

Oy, Oz.

Oz

Sssh. Quiet, son. Big score coming up 'ere.

Neville

Wayne and Barry have...

Oz

Sssh. Whoa, man. [Points to the high score] I'm nearly on five and a half million, man!

Neville

...They've just pulled two Swedish air hostesses.

Oz

[Shocked, he stops playing] Air hostesses?! [The ball goes out of play, and it's game over for Oz.]

Neville

Swedish ones.

Oz

[Kicks one of the legs of the pinball table] 'Ere, might as well get a beer. D'ya want one?

Neville

Aye. I mean, I can understand Wayne, but Barry? [They go to the bar]

Oz

Two bottles of pils here, Adolph. Jammy Arabs. How did they manage that?

Neville

Well, they haven't exactly nailed 'em yet, but they know they're stopping at the Inter-Continental so they're goin' round there on the off-chance.

Oz

Ahh, well that's hardly guaranteed, is it?

Neville

Suppose not. Aye, they'll probably hang round in the bar there all night for nowt, then come back and spin some extravagant tale for our benefit.

Oz

Aye, aye. That's them. [They have a drink.] Hang on a minute... So you reckon they'll just be sittin' in the bar on the off-chance, hangin' around waitin'?

Neville

Apparently.

Oz

Right, let's get them. [Goes to the payphone]

Neville

Eh?

Oz

Set them up.

Neville

How?

Oz

Well... A stroke I pulled at a hotel in Sheffield one time. It was the night before Newcastle played Burnley in the semis. Hey, what a game that was, kidda. Supermac scored twice, and on the way back we smashed this Little Chef up on the A1 at Wetherby...

Neville

[Interrupting Oz's train of thought] Aye, never mind that, man. What was the stunt?

Oz

Oh, aye. Right, follow me. [Heads for the payphone again, burping as he does.]

Barry

What are we gonna do, then? Just, er... just sit here all night on the off-chance, or what?

Wayne

Just bide your time. I'll think of something.

[Brings them a couple of beers] You are residents, sir?

Wayne

Yeah, er... but I'll pay cash. [Hands the waiter some money] And keepen ze changen. [The waiter leaves a receipt and leaves.]

Barry

What did you say that for? We're not staying 'ere.

Wayne

Yeah, but we could be if things work out.

Barry

No, we don't look like residents, especially with your haircut and earring.

Wayne

Well, they'll think we're roadies.

Barry

Ah, aye? Fat chance.

Wayne

Leave it out, will ya? Have a drink.

Oz

Hello? Yep. Inter-Continental? Yes, hello, yes. Can you get a message, please, to Mr. Wayne Norris? Yeah, Herr Norris. Yes, he'll be in the bar. ...Yes, and the message is, that, er... he's expected immediately... yeah, immediately, in Room 612. Yes, that's it. Danke schön! [Puts the phone down. They laugh] That'll wind 'em up!

Barry

You've knocked long enough. There's no-one there.

Wayne

[Looks through the peephole in the door] Well, they must be in the shower or something, you know.

Barry

Together?

Wayne

Swedish, in't they? Very liberated your Swedes, son.

Barry

Oh... My cousin Norma's very liberated, you know. [Wayne continues knocking.] Yeah, she's... she's always walking around the house stark-naked. I said to her, "This is a council house just outside Wolverhampton, you know". I said, "You could lose this house flaunting yourself the way you do." Eric... see, that's her husband, he don't know because he works nights...

Wayne

Sssh! I can hear something.

Barry

They're there, are they? [A waitress passes by with a trolley and notices Wayne and Barry listening at the door.]

Was ist los? (What's happening?) [Turns the radio off.]

Es had geklopft. (There was a knock.)

Nee, nee. (No...) [The knocking continues.] Hast du 'was bestellt? (Did you order something?)

Nein, ich nicht, aber geh' mal gucken. (No, not me, but go have a look.) [She gets out of bed and opens the door.] Ja?

Wayne

About time too! What you been doing, darling? Putting your face on, eh?

Was? Wer sind Sie? Was wollen sie? (What? Who are you? What do you want?)

Wayne

Speak English, darlin'! It's us! [Wayne and Barry enter the room]

Ich verstehe gar nichts. (I don't understand anything you're saying)

Barry

Wayne, Wayne... are you sure that's one of them, mate?

Wayne

Yeah, of course it is. They just look a bit different out of uniform, don't they?

Was wollen Sie in unserem Zimmer? (What are you doing in our room? What do you want?)

Wayne

Oh, hello. We've got company, have we? [To the woman] What's the matter, darlin'? Ain't we enough for you girls, eh?

Sind sie Freunde von dir? (Are these friends of yours?)

Nein, ich kenne sie nicht. (No, I don't know them.)

Barry

Wayne... are you sure this is Room 612, mate?

Tu' etwas! (Do something!) [The man gets his wallet and starts pulling money out]

Wayne

Hey, hey, listen mate. You don't have to pay us for it, you know.

Barry

Wayne, Wayne...

Wayne

Hey, what's going on here, eh? I mea, we come up here for an innocent liaison, and I find meself in some depraved situation with some geezer flashin' the old readies!

Barry

Wayne...

Wayne

What is he? A blimmer or something, eh? And where's your mate?

Barry

Wayne, Wayne... they think that we're muggers.

Wayne

...They what?

Barry

They... We're in the wrong room. They think that we're... muggers. [Waves]

Wayne

Bloody hell. [They scarper.]

Barry

You've obviously had more experience of this kind of thing than I have. Wayne, I tell you one thing, I'm not going on the pull again with you, mate!

Wayne

Yeah, well the feeling's bloody mutual, son! You're a jinx you are, Barry. You're a jinx. [They look down to the ground below] Ready?

Barry

[Panicking] What do you mean "ready"? I'll break my bleedin' leg!

Wayne

Look, don't be daft, mate. We're fit enough.

Barry

No, we're not! We might have been if we'd gone jogging or swimming with Nev! As you so despise physical exercise...

Wayne

Leave it out, Barry, will you? It's not much of a jump!

Barry

No, not for the SAS, and I don't mean the friggin' airline!

Wayne

Come on. It's like Butch and Sundance.

Barry

Aye, and we know what happened to them. [They take a bit of a run up, then jump.]

Neville

Good morning, Dennis. And where have you been, eh? [Dennis walks past, staring angrily at Wayne and Barry] Or maybe we shouldn't ask.

Dennis

Aye. Maybe you shouldn't. Not that it'd make any difference, like. I mean, news spreads faster than the plague around here.

Neville

What's the problem, like?

Dennis

[Points to Wayne and Barry] Well, ask Abbott and Costello here.

Wayne

Come on, Den. We was all after the same thing last night, weren't we? I'd say you were a bit more successful than what we was, eh?

Barry

Yeah. Look at my ankle. It's all puffed up.

Dennis

[Whacks Barry's ankle. Barry winces in pain.] I know all about you two, man! I spent an hour in the manager's office explaining who me guests were.

Barry

Oh dear. D'you mean there... d'you mean there were repercussions?

Dennis

Aye, you could say that, Barry. I mean, it was you two who terrorised some innocent couple, wasn'it?

Wayne

You didn't finger us, did you?

Dennis

No, no. Said you were two blokes I'd met in the bar. [Points his finger in Wayne's face] But in future, you just stay out my life, right? [Grabs his washbag and towel, and leaves for the bathroom cabin.]

Neville

Is there something you two haven't told me?

Oz

Howay, Moxey, man! [Kicks the cubicle door] Hurry yersel' up! The amount of time you spend in there I'm surprised you don't move in!

Hey, I'm not doin' this for pleasure y'know, Oz. It's the bloody sauerkraut! [Dennis enters the cabin]

Oz

How, Den.

Dennis

Is somebody in there? [Kicks the cubicle door]

Oz

Aye. Moxey. Put yer name doon for about Tuesday.

Dennis

I've gotta get out of here, man.

Oz

[At the urinal] What's the matter, like?

Dennis

Well those two pricks, man, Barry and Wayne, totally destroyed my weekend!

Oz

Aye, well, I didn't do their weekend much good, me, like.

Dennis

How's that?

Oz

Well, I'll tell yer all aboot it. This'll cheer ya up...

Dennis

[Furiously] DID WHAT?! [Chases Oz out of the cabin]

Oz

[Running away] Dennis, what's got into you, man? [Runs away while Dennis gives chase. The toilet flushes and Moxey steps out of the cabin.]

[Calling out] It's f-free now!