A character in Auf Wiedersehen, Pet
Played by Gary Holton
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
5th most-quoted character in Auf Wiedersehen, Pet: in 100 of its 320 quotes
Most scenes with: Oz (61), Neville (58), Dennis (55)
WayneHey, he's not running from the law.
What's that you've found?
WayneHe's in the Army. Look. [Reads from the ID badge] Latham, Colin. Lance Corporal, right? Born: June 14th 1960, Height: 5'8". Eyes: brown. Other distinguishing marks: scar on left shoulder. He's a friggin' deserter, ain't he? [He gives the card to Dennis]
What's in the paper, then?
Wayne[Reading a paper.] Nothing that's gonna change the course of history, son. It's the music press, innit?
Oh. [Walks over to Wayne] You're really into that, aren't you? [Sits next to Wayne]
WayneMusic's my life, Moxey.
You should've been a rock star, you. Dead ringer for Ronnie Wood. Anybody ever told you that?
WayneYeah, couple of times, in fact. As it 'appens, I signed Woody's autograph for a couple of Fräuleins down the old town on Tuesday.
Go away, you didn't, did yer?
WayneYeah, yeah. There's no harm done though. They was thrilled at having met one of their idols, and I was gratified at having put a bit of colour into their otherwise drab existence.
That don't seem right to me somehow.
WayneLook, I didn't abuse Woody's name by jumping 'em, did I? I could've.
Could you?
WayneEhh, they were all over me like a cheap coat, they were. But I've got a code of ethics, Moxey. I know where to draw the line.
Very c-c-commendable, that, in this day and age.
WayneYeah, ain't it? Mind you, bein' ethical don't 'alf put a crimp in your nuts!
WayneHello, Herr Grunwald. Its not Monday already is it?
No, it is not. It is Sunday. And on Sunday I expect to be with my family. At home.
WayneTurfed you out, have they? Never mind, son. Pull up a bed. We accept all sorts in here.
Please, I am not in the mood for your insolence. Where's Patterson?
WayneDennis? Down the baths, I think. What d'you want 'im for?
He is your leader.
WayneS'pose so. It's not a role he relishes, though.
Why? That's the problem?
Englanders are the problem. [Walks sternly towards Wayne and Moxey] They always are!
Wayne'Ere, Den. Grunwald's looking for you. [To the barman] Bier, bitte.
Grunwald? What's he want?
WayneWell, you know that nutter Magowan?
Aye, he's a bit of a bloody headcase, he is, in't he?
WayneAhh, well apparently, he had a bit of tiff in a bar last night.
Huh, a bit of a tiff?
WayneI suppose "fracas" is a better word, really. Anyway, he put some Eric in hospital, and he's in the nick.
Doesn't surprise me. He's a nutter!
Well, what's that got to do wi' me?
WayneWell he must have given his employer's name, who rang Grunwald, who came down 'ere to tell us that it's our responsibility to bail him out.
Ah?
Well, why us?
Wayne'Cos he's a Brit. Says the behaviour of the Brits is none of his business.
Well, it's none of my business either, is it, eh? He lives in the hostel, doesn't he, eh? He's not in our hut. Let 'im stop in the nick!
WayneHe's still a Brit though, ain't he, Den? And Grunwald sees you as top man, don't he?
Ahh, bloody hell, man! I'm not accountable for every mad man in Germany just 'cos they're British!
Ah, he is a bit of a hooligan, him, like.
Best place for him, innit? Bloke like that in the nick?
WayneTrouble is... Grunwald reckons if we can't take care of our own, we can all ship out.
What? He said that?
That's not fair! It's nowt to do with us!
WayneI'm just tellin' you what he said.
But... you mean it's him or us?
WayneYep. Either we look after it, or we can get the next boat home.
[Sighs] Bloody hell!
What d'you want now?
What do I want now? It's him! What on earth possessed you to bring him in here?
Well, Dennis, he had naewhere else to go.
Well, that's his hard lines, right? He brought that on himself.
Well, you cannae see a bloke without a bed, man, Den.
WayneHim, you can. You're better off buying him a cage, mate. He even snores aggressively.
He's gonna make all our lives a misery.
Well, he cannae make your life much more of a one, can he?
Look, leave Nev alone! Nev's right, Nev is! He's gonna spoil everything, he is!
He's only one person, man!
Look, man, we've just about got used to living with each other, right? Now it hasn't been easy, but we've managed. Now you, you've gone and bollocksed everythin' up, askin' him in here!
WayneYeah, we're not a bleedin' halfway house, man.
No, he's gotta go, it's as simple as that.
WayneOh yeah, and you're gonna tell him, is that it?
No, no. Uh... I thought Bomber would.
Oh, terrific(!) Bomber's not back 'til next week.
Alright then, we'll get up a delegation, right? We can write a strongly worded protest and then Dennis can go...
"Dennis can" what? Oh aye, Dennis can tell 'im to naff off. Dennis can get his head thumped!
WayneAh, we'll all back you up, though.
No, Dennis has got a point.
Well I dunno what all the fuss is aboot, he's not a bad bloke.
Oh, no, compared with other violent psychopaths, I suppose he isn't(!)
Well, you've just gotta know how to handle 'im, man.
WayneWell no-one else has, have they? He's done previous, you know.
Has he?
WayneYeah, some of the lads told me.
What for?
WayneWell, I should hardly think it's income tax evasion.
G-grievous bodily harm, more like.
[To Oz] Look, you asked 'im in 'ere, right? You can get shot of 'im.
All right, all right, man! It's nae skin off my nose!
WayneIt will be if you don't don't ask him right.
Mmmmm. I enjoyed that flick.
WayneYeah, I always did like a good Chinese film with German voices(!)
Ahh, it don't matter much with these martial arts stories, does it? No, it's the mayhem and the gratuitous violence that counts.
WayneMaybe we should all take up karate, eh? That might get rid of you-know-who.
Right. I, er... I often have fantasies about being Bruce Lee, don't you?
WayneNo. He can't sing.
I'd really like to be able to, you know, chop a brick in half, smash it right in half. Wouldn't you?
WayneNot a lot.
It'd be great, though, wouldn't it? Just once to be confronted by bloodthirsty hooligans, and dispose of them with a few timely chops to the neck. I've always wanted to be able to do that. Especially after a Wolves game when I found meself hemmed in by hordes of rampant skinheads.
WayneYou constantly surprise me, you do, Barry. Eh? I mean, beneath that passive exterior beats the heart of a would-be ninja.
Yeah?
WayneYeah.
...What's a ninja?
WayneA ninja? I thought you'd have known that. In your martial arts fraternity, none is more deadly than your ninja.
Really?
WayneYeah. It's the ultimate, son. Just one look, right, can fill a man with dread.
A bit like Magowan.
WayneNo. He's no ninja, son. A certifiable lunatic, he is.
Ah, he's certainly kept us out of the hut, hant'he? That's my third film in three days.
Wayne[Looking out of the window] Ain't that Nev?
Where?
WayneThere. [Outside, Neville walks past an adult cinema.]
Aye, it is, innit? Yeah. Where's he off to?
WayneWhere's he been, more like it, eh?
Aye, he's been very cagey these last few days, han't he?
WayneI'm sure I've seen him come out of that place across the street there.
What's place?
WayneThat one there, look. The porn cinema.
No?
WayneYeah.
That's weird, that is, you know, 'cos... the other day I caught Nev copying out an ad from a shop window.
WayneReally? What ad was that?
I dunno, but it was for things like flats and flagellation.
WayneNo.
Ah, straight up.
WayneWell, Nev's obviously found himself an outside interest, then, ain't he, eh?
[As Barry throws...] Treble... double 20... and a 20... and 5. 65.
65? I'm getting good at this, ain't I? I could make the team. [Gets the darts out.]
Too late now, it's already been decided who's playin' - me, Dennis, Magowan and Moxey.
Oh, Moxey's only in because of his board, isn't he? [Oz takes his turn]
'Ey! I 'eard that!
So?
So it's not true. Look, we played the aggregate all week, right? I qualified fair and square.
Yeah, only by the skin of your teeth.
I still qualified, though!
WayneBloody hell, you'd think it was the Olympics!
[Counting his total] Seventy-four... [Imitating a darts announcer] "Oz, you require double 16." [Gets his darts while Barry steps up to the oche.]
'Ey, you could be scorer, Barry.
Bog off. That's Nev's privelige, innit? After all, he arranged it.
WayneIs, er, Nev picking up them soldier lads, then?
[As he throws] Ah, the station, three o'clock.
WayneBetter organise the booze, eh?
Yeah, we can arrange it on the dining table, can't we?
Go on, man.
All right. Get some crisps.
WayneOh, nice and festive, eh? What about some balloons?
[Looks at Barry's score] 13? I thought you said you were improvin'!
[Points behind him] Well he put me off with his bloody sarcasm, didn't he? [Neville enters the hut]
Right. Double 8 wanted.
All right, Nev? Letter on your bed, mate.
Oh aye? It's probably from Brenda, wondering why her money's short this week.
WayneIs that why you're putting in so much overtime, then?
It's not for the love of it, is it?
Double 8 needed... [Having hit a single 16, he then hits a treble 16.]
[Chuckles] Ah, choked under pressure. Let's see... you want double 8, and I want...
219.
[Reading the letter] Oh, aye, it's from Colin.
Oh aye? What's his craic?
...Oh, they've got a dress parade tomorrow morning. Oh, he's comin' over Monday instead.
Oh, that's no good. It's no fun unless it's the weekend. [Barry hits a 5 and a 4...]
Well, that's all right, it'll give us some practice time. [Barry misses the board entirely and hits the wall.] Nice shot, Barry. One in the 5, one in the 4, and one in the wall.
Best get the booze in today, eh? Naebody'll have any money left come Monday. Has that Magowan paid us anything back yet?
WayneHas he what?
I want what he owes. There's no reason why I should have to work Saturday mornings and Brenda go short for the likes of him, is there?
[Hitting the double 8] That's it. Beautiful dart.
Herr Grunwald?
Ja?
[Gives a thumbs up] Nice one.
WayneHey, Nev, what time are the Army arriving, eh?
Aboot six o'clock, I'd better put a move on, eh?
We'll go down on the bike, they can follow us back in a taxi.
Ahh, great!
Aye, it should be a good night. And you're in the team after all, Nev.
Ah, that's not important.
How, Den!
Hello, Dennis. [The lads put their tools in storage] Ahh, it's great, innit? The old spirit restored.
Aye, a darts match and a piss-up to follow, eh? Magic!
Better get some practice in.
Yeah, gotta make a good show against the Army lads.
Aye, well there's no panic. We can have a monumental piss-up, but you can forget all about the darts match.
Why? How's that, like?
Magowan's pissed off with the dartboard. [We see the bare wall where the dartboard used to be. Moxey looks disappointed.]
Er, listen, lads, if youse lot wanna make a few bob on the side, er, maybes you should come in wi' me.
How'd you mean, like?
WayneDoin' a bit of moonlighting, are ya, Oz?
Well, I might have this business proposition, right? See, I've met this Eric. Canny lad... for an Eric. Anyway, nothing's finalised yet, so I can't say so much, but if you want in, now's the time to speak up.
WayneHold on... d'you mean speak up to divvy up, son?
Both, both.
Well, tell us what it is, then.
Nah, I can't yet.
Well, how will we be expected to chip in if you won't explain?
Well, that's the whole point, man, Neville.
Well, it escapes me, Oz!
Look, the more yer speculate, the more coin yer get back in the back end.
But Oz, we're entitled to know what we're speculatin' in!
Aye, in due course, Dennis. When I get everythin' finalised. [Checks himself in the mirror.] But, er, for the moment, all I need is yer readies and yer trust. [Turns round to see blank faces.] Was that askin' too much, like?
Bollocks!
Ah, howay!
WayneNah, you're askin' too much, son.
Well, suit yerselves, I'll seek investment elsewhere, stuff you lot!
Oz! How, at least give us a clue!
[Leaves the hut... then pokes his head in a few seconds later] Well, it's adult, and it's liable to cause offence. [Leaves the hut again.]
Dennis [Thinking aloud] "It's adult, and liable to cause offence"?
WayneSounds like Oz.
[From behind a tomb] Wayne! Come here, man! [Wayne leaves the wedding party as they're having their wedding photos taken and rushes to Oz]
WayneWhat are you doin' here?
Never mind that. What's happened to Hedley?
WayneShe didn't want to know. Hated the sight of him. But it's all right, I rung the lads.
What's happened to the body?
WayneDon't worry, it's been cremated. [A church bell peals ominously]
What? Oh, no! [Breaks down as he realises his, Barry's and Moxey's money is up in smoke] Oh, no! No!
WayneYou know, I never thought you'd take it that badly, son. [Oz wails loudly and uncontrollably.]
Sieht sehr gut aus. Ja, stimmt das. (Looks good, that... yes, that's right.)
Aber kann nicht glauben, daß sein Vater Besitzer ist. (I can't believe his father is the owner.)
WayneWhat's that, loves, eh? [A waitress brings their drinks over.]
He doesn't look rich.
WayneNo, no. He does his best to be like one of the lads, Oz. See, his father owns the business we all work for, you know. And, er... Oz takes over when the old man retires, you know. In the meantime he's got to work as a common bricklayer, just for three months, as he learns the business from all sides, like, you know.
[Having been to the toilet, returns to his seat, fiddling with his collar.] Right! Cheers, girls. I'm as dry as a boot.
Wayne was telling us about your father.
Oh, that bugger? [Wayne glances at Oz] Oh, that bugger! Oh, aye. Good bloke, me old man. Started from nothin', yer know, and er... built an empire. Isn't that right, Wayne?
WayneYeah, yeah. That's right. Erm... I was just telling the girls, you know, how one day it'll all be yours.
Oh, yeah. There's... there's McAlpine's, and Wimpey's, and then there's Osbourne & Son, that's us.
In the meantime you are just one of the boys?
Look again, pet. One of the men! [Uli seems rather taken with Oz.]
'Ere, Wayne, Wayne? I'm not sure I can keep this up, yer kna.
WayneI didn't think you had that sort of problem, Oz. [Chuckles]
Nah, nah, man, yer kna what I'm talking aboot - stringin' the bird along, man.
Wayne'Ere, you're all right, mate. It's just a matter of, er, establishing your credibility, you know. The rest is down to your personal magnetism, innit, son?
I dunno why you've gotta cut out so soon.
WayneYes, well that's divide and rule, that's what I always say. See, I've been spending so much time in your case, I've been neglecting the lovely Heidi, ain't I?
Well, look, you'll have to lend us a couple of hundred.
WayneI thought Nev gave you fifty.
He did. He did, but it's not gonna last long in this place, at these prices, is it? I mean, this Uli looks sophisticated. I mean, she might want steak.
Wayne[Hands some money to Oz] Look, here's a couple of hundred, right? Now, if that runs out, use your American Express Gold Card, right?
Oh, yes, I never leave the hut without it, do I(?)
Wayne[As they return to Uli and Heidi] All right, girls?
Right, girls. Hey! Ready for another drinkies? [They nod] Yeah? Get 'em in, Wayne.
WayneSo, er... where'd you learn to do that, then, Bomb?
Oh, I picked up a lot of tricks in my time, boyo. [Bites the thread off.] There we are.
WayneOh, you're a mate, Bomb. Cheers.
[Still learning German with Neville] Was is das, Nev?
Das ist ein grosse Bier.
Hey, that's a canny jumper, man!
WayneI tell you what, we can hang it on the wall, eh, when he's not wearing it? Very decorative.
Aye, you can(!)
It'll cover up that stain from the night Moxey puked up.
Barry!
This is for the best, this!
WayneWhere'd you get it, Oz?
She gave us a present, didn't she?
She must think a lot of you, eh?
Oh, aye. See, I've just realised, Nev, they cannae tell accents here. As far as she knas, I could be talkin' the same as the Queen Mother! [Laughs]
Must be thick if she think's you're the Queen Mother.
[Taking offence] 'Ey, shut your face, you. That's my fiancée you're talkin' aboot.
The Queen Mother?!
Eh?
Fiancée?
Aye, that's what yer call someone you're ganna marry, isn'it?
What are you talkin' about, man? You're already married.
Aye, in England. Cannae hold that against us here.
Listen! Look, we've all got to agree on one decent colour, it's as simple as that.
Well, I like pink.
Ah, Neville, man...
When Brenda an' me was on our honeymoon, the hotel room was pink.
I don't wanna live in a pink room. It's not a man's colour.
What'll the Erics and the Abduls think if they find out us lot are livin' in a pink shed?
WayneCould do my reputation a lot of harm, that could.
Ah, but green is nice. It's soothing, is green. We used to have an eau-de-nil bathroom. That was a lovely shade.
WayneSounds like a bloody council estate.
What's wrong with that?
You're one the priveliged, livin' on a council estate.
Now, listen, right? I think we've got to settle this by democratic means.
Right. How's this? Each bloke has a bit 'round his bed the colour he likes.
Right. I'll have my bit pink.
Wait a minute. If I wakes up and looks straight at that wall behind your bed, I'll be seeing pink!
WayneAnd that'll make him see red, won't it?
Oh, Wayne, man. Look, man, we can't have the hut decorated in stripes. That's barmy, man.
Well spoken, Dennis.
We've got to agree on one decent colour.
Look, I have actually worked out a way of doing this. Look. Right, no, no listen, look. I've got a list of colours, right? Now, I've got a column for first choice, and a column for second, right? Now, each colour gets two points, er, two points a first choice and one for second, right. No, no, no. We used this method when we elected the chairman of the West Bromwich and District Sunday Methodist Table Tennis League.
WayneOh well, Barry. It's tried and tested then, innit(?)
Aye.
Oh, 'ey. Come 'ead, Barry. The suspense is killin' us.
Have a bit of patience, Moxey.
WayneApparently, the polls are predicting purple.
Aye, well, the Poles don't have to live in our hut, do they?
Can I have your attention, please, for a moment? [Clears throat] I, as returning officer... [The others shout him down, telling him to get on with it] All right, all right. The votes as cast are as follows. The winner is... yellow.
Yellow?!
By... well, one point.
Who voted yellow?
WayneI don't like yellow.
Me neither. It's not a man's colour!
It's a fiddle!
I demands a recount!
Figures don't lie, y'know.
WayneSo, whose first choice was it then, 'ey?
[Glances down at his sheet] Nobody's.
Well, then, how could it win?
Because no two people had the same first choice.
So... so everybody's first choice only got two points?
That's right, and yellow got three second places.
Well that’s a smashing system that is, Barry, isn'it? Eh? Everybody gets what nobody wants.
That’s democracy, Dennis.
Guten Abend, mein Herren.
Good evening.
Ah, you English. The English are always welcome here. I will get someone to take good care of you. [Claps his hands] Won't be long. [Out comes the masseuse. It's Uli, but Bomber doesn't know.]
[As he goes into the back] Have we met before, my dear?
I do not think so. My name is Uli. [The penny drops with Bomber.]
WayneHe does look relaxed, eh? Done your neck the power of good, has it, sunshine?
[To the barman] Can I have one here, chief? [Asks the others] Is Oz around?
Nah. He's, er... over the hut, helpin' with the decorating.
Lyin' on his bed, criticising!
WayneHe's very good at interior decor, our Oz(!) [He, Dennis and Neville laugh]
[Noticing Bomber is a little bit quiet] What's the matter, Bomb?
It's a bit awkward, and I think this should go no further.
What?
I met Uli tonight.
WayneUli? What, Oz's Uli?
I thought you'd went to a massage parlour, eh?
I did. That's the point.
Never!
She works there?!
Head girl, by the looks of it.
WayneI don't believe it. I met her through that Heidi, you know?
What, is she in that game as well?
WayneNah, nah, nah. She works on the cosmetic counter at Millers, she does. Well, at least I hope she does. Certainly smells like it!
Look, are you sure it was her, Bomber?
Her name was Uli, and I recognised her from the photograph.
So... she's not a beauty consultant?
WayneWell, what do you think she does 'round there, son, eh? Facials?
It gets worse. According to my mate Dieter, who took me there, her boyfriend's the bloke that owns the place. Nasty piece of work, he looks.
So, she lied to 'im.
That makes two of 'em, doesn't it?
WayneWell, I call it poetic jutsice meself.
Are we ganna tell 'im?
[Noticing everyone looking at him] I suppose I'll have to, eh?
Oz might be very upset, yer kna. Emotionally, like.
WayneThat's a sobering thought, ain't it, eh?
Uli? [Kemal gets out of the car] Oh, it's you.
You English bastard! [Pulls a switchblade on Oz.]
Ha ha ha(!) What are you bloody laughin' at?
He had a great big bloody knife, man. He was gonna try an' kill us!
It was them saved your life, then.
What are ye talkin' aboot, man? He's one of them.
Well, whatever he said, he's made them change their mind. I reckon you owe them a bit of an apology, the way you've been runnin' 'em down.
[Standing over the spilled paint] Oh, someone give us a cloth, will you?
WayneFair dos, Oz. I reckon you ought to go 'round there in the morning and say thanks.
Oh, aye? Take 'em a bouquet of flowers, like, an' a little note? Listen, mate, one of them Abduls tries to stick a knife in me guts, right? Another one stops 'em. That makes it even-steven as far as I'm concerned, right? [Heads his locker where the paint has spilled]
Don't step in it! You're makin' it worse! [Oz slips and falls onto his bed, right onto an erotic painting Barry bought, ripping the canvas]
DennisTim Healy · 170 quotes
OzJimmy Nail · 169 quotes
NevilleKevin Whately · 139 quotes
BarryTimothy Spall · 101 quotes
BomberPat Roach · 94 quotes
MMoxey89 quotes
WymanNoel Clarke · 13 quotes
DDagmarBrigitte Kahn · 12 quotes
FFraser12 quotes
BrendaJulia Tobin · 11 quotes
GGrunwald9 quotes
PPringle7 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Auf Wiedersehen, Pet pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.