Oz[From behind a tomb] Wayne! Come here, man! [Wayne leaves the wedding party as they're having their wedding photos taken and rushes to Oz]
Oz
Never mind that. What's happened to Hedley?
She didn't want to know. Hated the sight of him. But it's all right, I rung the lads.
Oz
What's happened to the body?
Don't worry, it's been cremated. [A church bell peals ominously]
Oz
What? Oh, no! [Breaks down as he realises his, Barry's and Moxey's money is up in smoke] Oh, no! No!
You know, I never thought you'd take it that badly, son. [Oz wails loudly and uncontrollably.]
Sieht sehr gut aus. Ja, stimmt das. (Looks good, that... yes, that's right.)
HHeidi
Aber kann nicht glauben, daß sein Vater Besitzer ist. (I can't believe his father is the owner.)
What's that, loves, eh? [A waitress brings their drinks over.]
No, no. He does his best to be like one of the lads, Oz. See, his father owns the business we all work for, you know. And, er... Oz takes over when the old man retires, you know. In the meantime he's got to work as a common bricklayer, just for three months, as he learns the business from all sides, like, you know.
Oz
[Having been to the toilet, returns to his seat, fiddling with his collar.] Right! Cheers, girls. I'm as dry as a boot.
Wayne was telling us about your father.
Oz
Oh, that bugger? [Wayne glances at Oz] Oh, that bugger! Oh, aye. Good bloke, me old man. Started from nothin', yer know, and er... built an empire. Isn't that right, Wayne?
Yeah, yeah. That's right. Erm... I was just telling the girls, you know, how one day it'll all be yours.
Oz
Oh, yeah. There's... there's McAlpine's, and Wimpey's, and then there's Osbourne & Son, that's us.
In the meantime you are just one of the boys?
Oz
Look again, pet. One of the men! [Uli seems rather taken with Oz.]
Oz
'Ere, Wayne, Wayne? I'm not sure I can keep this up, yer kna.
I didn't think you had that sort of problem, Oz. [Chuckles]
Oz
Nah, nah, man, yer kna what I'm talking aboot - stringin' the bird along, man.
'Ere, you're all right, mate. It's just a matter of, er, establishing your credibility, you know. The rest is down to your personal magnetism, innit, son?
Oz
I dunno why you've gotta cut out so soon.
Yes, well that's divide and rule, that's what I always say. See, I've been spending so much time in your case, I've been neglecting the lovely Heidi, ain't I?
Oz
Well, look, you'll have to lend us a couple of hundred.
I thought Nev gave you fifty.
Oz
He did. He did, but it's not gonna last long in this place, at these prices, is it? I mean, this Uli looks sophisticated. I mean, she might want steak.
[Hands some money to Oz] Look, here's a couple of hundred, right? Now, if that runs out, use your American Express Gold Card, right?
Oz
Oh, yes, I never leave the hut without it, do I(?)
[As they return to Uli and Heidi] All right, girls?
Oz
Right, girls. Hey! Ready for another drinkies? [They nod] Yeah? Get 'em in, Wayne.
Oz
Strange quirk of fate this, isn'it? Y'know? I mean... who'd have thought that me, who's always hated Krauts...
[Not understanding] You've always hated what?
Oz
Er... Crowds. Crowds. Traffic. I've always liked the countryside, yer know.
Oh. I too. But you were saying about fate.
Oz
Yeah, well, I mean, who would've thought that I'd be expanding the family empire here in Germany?
Oz
Well, in a hut. Y'see, we couldn't get any decent hostel accommodation because it co... [Trying to keep to his story] Oh, right! Where will I live? Erm... well... in the mountains, over a river, yer know. A small castle would just about do it. After all, I'm all alone. Where do you live, Uli?
Oh... please, I'd rather not talk about me.
Oz
You're not married, are yer?
Oz
Oh, right, aye. Dennis is gettin' a divorce. That's Dennis, one of the lads who works for us, yer know. Oh, it's costin' him a fortune in maintenance.
I try to be independent with money. I have my own job.
Oz
Have yer?
Oz
Oh, right, right. Well, that's a canny job, isn'it? Hey, listen, you'll have to do me toenails sometime!
[Chuckles] It's hard to be independent with a jealous boyfriend.
Oz
[Taken aback somewhat] Boyfriend? [Uli nods] What, is he... a big bloke, is he?
[Hesitantly] Yes... but he's not so important as you are. I've wanted to leave him for a long time, but, er... he's very possessive.
Oz
Well, I can be very possessive meself, yer know, when I have to be! I can be when the need arises...
[Entering the lounge] Oz, I want a word with you. [Sees Uli] Oh, excuse me, pet. Er, I just want a quick word with the chief here.
Oh, is this one of your men?
Oz
Er... yeah, one of the lads. That's aboot it. [Reaches into his pocket]
So, you are in Oz's company?
Oz
Yeah, well, look, er... I kna what yer after, son. Listen... [Hands out a fifty mark note] Will fifty do yer?
[Taking the money] Oh... thanks, Oz. You're a gentleman!
Oz
I kna, I kna, but, yer kna... there's no need to tell everybody aboot it, man.
Right, er... good night, miss.
Oz
Now, don't be late in the mornin', will yer? [Neville leaves the bar, a bit confused] Young and daft, yer kna. [Raises his beer] Cheers!
So, er... where'd you learn to do that, then, Bomb?
Oh, I picked up a lot of tricks in my time, boyo. [Bites the thread off.] There we are.
Oh, you're a mate, Bomb. Cheers.
[Still learning German with Neville] Was is das, Nev?
Hey, that's a canny jumper, man!
I tell you what, we can hang it on the wall, eh, when he's not wearing it? Very decorative.
Oz
Aye, you can(!)
It'll cover up that stain from the night Moxey puked up.
Oz
This is for the best, this!
Oz
She gave us a present, didn't she?
She must think a lot of you, eh?
Oz
Oh, aye. See, I've just realised, Nev, they cannae tell accents here. As far as she knas, I could be talkin' the same as the Queen Mother! [Laughs]
Must be thick if she think's you're the Queen Mother.
Oz
[Taking offence] 'Ey, shut your face, you. That's my fiancée you're talkin' aboot.
Oz
Eh?
Oz
Aye, that's what yer call someone you're ganna marry, isn'it?
What are you talkin' about, man? You're already married.
Oz
Aye, in England. Cannae hold that against us here.
Oz
Howay, then, lads. That's enough lazing around. Shall we...?
Oz
Ah, yer kna, the Erics have started. Doesn't do to lag behind, does it? [Sees Herr Ulrich passing through the site] Oh, guten Tag, Herr Ulrich! Wie geht's? (How are you?)
[Rather surprised] Mir geht's ganz gut, Osbourne. Und ich bin sehr beeindruckt, daß Sie Deutsch spechen versuchen. (I'm fine, Osbourne, and I'm very impressed that you're trying to speak German.)
Oz
...Pardon?
He says he's very impressed, Oz, that you're trying to learn German.
Oz
Oh, aye! Well, just a few words, like. I haven't got that far yet.
Ja, but you're trying, Osbourne. That's good. Also, you're now starting back to work quickly. [Oz nods.] In Germany, just because we have a break does not mean we always take it. [Walks off]
[Ruefully] That's great, that is, isn'it, eh? We're on a legitimate break, he makes it look as if we're skivin'!
Still creeping 'round the Germans, then?
Oz
Nah, nah, man. Look, since I've been seein' Uli, Bomber, I've seen things in a different light. I mean, I now realise it takes all sorts to make a world. I mean, the average German's alreet. Compared to them Turks.
Ah, it's good to know he hasn't changed that much, Bomber, eh?
What's wrong with the Abduls?
Oz
Look, they account for half the crime in German cities.
Oz
Have a look around, man. The only dirty parts in this town are the parts where the Abduls live.
That's not their fault, man. They're over here as sweated labour. They get the worst housing, the lowest wages.
Oz
They're unclean in their habits, Dennis. [Goes off to start work, followed by Neville.]
So, you're still pretty keen on this Uli, then, Oz, eh?
Oz
You've seen her.
Sure. I'm not sayin' she's not attractive, but, er, you are a married man, Oz.
Oz
Ah, howay, Nev, man! We got married too young, man. We stuck it out eight years. That's long enough. I mean, let's face it, me and Marjorie's not exactly Charles and Diana, is we?
Oz
I mean, I don't kid meself, Marjorie's a bit flighty. She's still seein' that bloke from the breweries, yer kna.
Well, you should've put a stop to that a long time ago.
Oz
What? Have yer seen the size of 'im? He lifts them barrels up with one hand, man!
[On the phone] Wir erwarten Sie um drei Uhr? Bis dann. (Will three o'clock suit you? See you then.) [She puts the phone down, then notices Oz glaring at her]
Oz
So, it's true, eh?
How did you find me here?
Oz
Never mind, love. Get yer coat on, I wanna talk to you.
Oz
Later?! I think the sooner the better, d'you not?
[Entering the reception] Guten Abend.
Oz
Evenin'.
Ah, you English! English are always welcome here.
The gentleman is not staying.
Oz
Apparently not. But listen, Uli, we've got to have a talk, an' there's things to be said, isn't there? Look, I'll be in the Tivoli tomorrow night, eh? [He leaves.]
[Admonishes Uli in Turkish]
Das ist nicht. (It was nothing.)
Nicht? Nicht?! (Nothing? Nothing?!) [He continues to shout at her in Turkish and hits her across the face.]
Oz
Uli? [Kemal gets out of the car] Oh, it's you.
You English bastard! [Pulls a switchblade on Oz.]
Oz
Ha ha ha(!) What are you bloody laughin' at?
Oz
He had a great big bloody knife, man. He was gonna try an' kill us!
It was them saved your life, then.
Oz
What are ye talkin' aboot, man? He's one of them.
Well, whatever he said, he's made them change their mind. I reckon you owe them a bit of an apology, the way you've been runnin' 'em down.
[Standing over the spilled paint] Oh, someone give us a cloth, will you?
Fair dos, Oz. I reckon you ought to go 'round there in the morning and say thanks.
Oz
Oh, aye? Take 'em a bouquet of flowers, like, an' a little note? Listen, mate, one of them Abduls tries to stick a knife in me guts, right? Another one stops 'em. That makes it even-steven as far as I'm concerned, right? [Heads his locker where the paint has spilled]
Don't step in it! You're makin' it worse! [Oz slips and falls onto his bed, right onto an erotic painting Barry bought, ripping the canvas]
Every time they see Oz it's a big joke. [Shouts down to the Turks] 'Ey! What's so funny, eh? [The Turks continue to laugh and jeer] Ho ho ho(!) [Confused, the lads climb down the ladder.] Oi... Here, here. Why you laugh at Oz?
Oz
Aye.
TWTurkish worker
This man saying, "Him taking my woman, I cutting him."
Oz
So? So what, like?
TWTurkish worker
I say, "No cutting him. He's our friend, working together", but he says, "No, him taking my woman. I cutting him." Very mad.
Oz
Very mad? You can say that again. He's off his bloody rocker!
Shut up, man, Oz! So, how did you change his mind?
TWTurkish worker
I saying quick, "He's not taking your woman. We knowing this man. He's not taking any woman. He have nothing with women!"
Oz
What?
TWTurkish worker
We saying, "He nothing for woman, this man."
Oz
[To Dennis] What's he talkin' aboot? "Nothing for woman, this man."
TWTurkish worker
So he laugh and go away. [The Turks laugh and turn to carry on with their work, as do Dennis, Neville and Bomber.]
Oz
Hey, hey, Dennis? Here, what are they on aboot here?
Oz, they saved your bacon.
Oz
Yeah, yeah, but how?
[Chuckling] Said you were a poofter! [Everyone laughs, while Oz just looks confused and/or offended]
Oz
[Handing Uli a drink] You look like you could do with that.
Oz
Cheers. [They raise their glasses. Oz sees the extent of the bruises] He do that to you, did he?
Oz
I'm not surprised. Bloody maniac. He come after me with a knife, yer know.
Oz
Did he tell you about that the...
Oz
Aye. [Uli chuckles and nods] Yeah. Well, I suppose he were only trying to help, yer know. What a bloody cheek, though!
Well, I didn't tell him that I know better. Look, I'm sorry I lied to you. I want to explain. You were my only chance to get out, to go to England where he couldn't hurt me.
Oz
You must've been pretty desperate to pick a bloke like me.
Oz
Yeah, and rich?
Oh, no, that had nothing to do with it.
Oz
...Really?
Oz
'Cos, er... it wasn't true, yer kna.
Oz
Nah. Well, you weren't the only one that sort of made things out to be er, yer kna, a little bit different to what they were. Listen, I'm not any tycoon's son. My dad hasn't even got a business.
Oz
Nah. My old man was a layabout and a drunk. He buggered off when I was a bairn. Last thing I saw of him was, er, huntin' around the house for a pair of socks, prior to pissing off to the Persian Gulf on an oil tanker. See... I spun that whole yarn just to try and impress you, yer kna. Kept it all going... just to keep you.
[Shocked] ...Well, I feel better that you also didn't tell the truth.
Oz
Well... you might as well know the lot. I'm married as well.
Oz
Officially. Only in England, mind. Yer kna... But I mean, you've got somebody as well, havvn't yer? I mean, you've got this Kemal bloke.
Oz
Look, Uli, I mean, the main thing is, you've got to give this bloke the elbow, haven't yer? You've gotta give him the heave-ho, the push, the shove... Leave the bugger! Yer know? I mean, try... Pack a bag and try a new town.
[Shaking her head] It's difficult.
Oz
I know, I know, but I thought maybes, yer kna, when this has all blown over I thought maybe we could pick it up where we left off.
Maybe, huh? But, you know, Kemal is a bad man, and I don't want any more trouble for you.
Oz
He'll not cause me any more trouble. He'll not cause you any more trouble either. He's only one man, yer kna.
Yes, but he has two brothers, and they're all bad people.
Oz
Yes, but I've got six mates, an' if we count the whole building site, that's nearly 100. I don't think the Kemal brothers'll wanna mess with that lot!
Being in the business, you know, it's easy for us to see how flimsy this construction is. [Pulls the blinds off the window] In't that right, lads?
Oh, aye, yeah. Definitely Jerry-built.
I could sneeze, it would fall down.
What i'm sayin' is, y'see, we're just as good at demolition as we are at construction.
[Takes his cigar out of his mouth] You are threatening me?
Listen. You lay one more finger on that girl, right... [Points to Bomber] ...and he'll hit you so hard your family'll feel it back in Istanbul!
It'll be goodbye to all this soon, Dennis. Back to civilisation.
Aye, in the dole queue, eh?
Can't win, can you? [They walk down the side of the hut, when Bomber spots something.] My word, did you see that?
Was it what I thought it was?
I think it was, Bomb, aye. It's come from the hut as well. As if we didn't have enough problems, eh?
[Standing] The toast is Brenda.
[As they raise their bottles of beer] Aye, Brenda, definitely.
Hey, Nev, Nev, a rare treat that, mate. A rare treat, Neville.
Oz
Aye, like getting a Red Cross parcel in the war, that.
It has been a great day, though, hann'it, y'know? A nice piece of crumpet in the admin, an' a great piece of cake in the hut. [The lads laugh, except Oz]
Oz
[Stands up] Hey, shorty! Not so much of the crumpet. That Yvette's special, yer kna! I mean, destiny sent her, didn'it?
Destiny did, all the way here. [Dennis and Bomber enter]
Oz
How now, Dennis!
[Holding up a place with two slices of cake] We saved you some.
That'll do Bomber. Real gent you are, Nev.
There would've been more, like, but somebody got at it.
I divvn't know, but a big chunk got eaten.
[As he and Bomber put their pieces of cake back on the plate] Oh, in that case, I think I'll pass.
Oz
What for?
A spiffing bit of cake, that is!
Oz
I'll eat it. [He and Wayne grab the two pieces]
Look, it's no offence to Brenda's cooking, I just think that this hut's got another inmate. I think he's probably eaten your cake, like.
Oz
[With a mouth full of cake] How's that, like?
We've just seen him, haven't we, Bomber?
Oz
Who, man?
I don't know his name, but it was the biggest rat I've ever seen.
No, Oz! It wasn't my fault!
Oz
[Pinning Moxey up against the wall, still covered in wet plaster] You won't take nowt serious, will yer? You, eh? Yer always pullin' some stunt or other!
Oz, it was Dennis, honest!
Oz
Dennis? Dennis is too straight up to play funny buggers!
Oz! Oz, it was a genuine mistake. It was a genuine mistake, really. [Oz flings wet plaster over Moxey's head] Look, Moxey's not malicious, is he? He's naive, right, but not malicilous.
[Getting up] Yeah. Right.
See? Just a genuine mistake, that's all.
Oz
[Turning on Barry] Well, so much for your bloody kismet, or whatever the hell you call it!
It's not my fault she weren't called Yvette, is it?
Oz
I feel a right berk now, though.
Oz
What?
Yvette... Christa, Kismet, whatever her bloody name is... I mean, what's the difference? What's in a name?
Aye. I mean, she may not be preordained from another life, Oz, but she ain't half got lovely bosoms.
Hello, Oz. Who bought you them, then? [Chuckles]
Oz
Get stuffed.
Oh, charming. Charming(!) No, seriously, though, what are they for?
Oz
Nowt. Money down the drain, man.
You bought 'em for someone?
Oz
It's none of your business why I bought 'em!
Yeah, all right! All right! I'm not trying to needle you.
Oz
Nah? You'd better not, neither, right? I've had a right bellyful today! [They walk towards]
Hey, what are you gonna do with 'em?
Oz
I dunno. Sling 'em, I suppose.
Oz
How much?
How much did you pay for 'em?
Oz
Fifteen quid.
Oz
Half?! They're only two hours old, man.
Yeah, but they're still second-hand, eh? I mean, there's not much demand for second-hand flowers, is there?
Oz
They're as good as new, look.
They're wilting. Oh yeah, you should've put 'em in water, son, otherwise they wilt. Look at the petals. Definitely wilting.
Oz
Are they?
Yeah. Well past their prime, sunbeam. I think £5 is a bit over-generous, really.
Oz
It was £7.50 at the bricks!
Oh yeah, but they're wilting by the second, ain't they? I mean, the price goes down, son, even as we speak.
[Looking out of the window] Ich glaube, da wartet jemand auf Sie. (I think there's someone waiting for you.)
Ach, was soll ich denn jetzt machen? (Oh, what do I do now?) [She sighs as she takes the flowers] Men...
Sie können sich für die Blumen bedanken. (You could say "thank you" for the flowers.) [They leave the office. Dagmar locks up.] Alles klar. (All right.)
Tschüss. Bis Morgen. Schönen Abend noch. (Bye. See you tomorrow. Have a nice evening.)
Hello. I was just passing.
Erm... Why you buy for me these?
Why did I buy..? I just felt like it. Y'know, impulse.
Thank you so much, ja? [Turns and approaches her car, but Wayne follows her] Um... They're very lovely.
It's no more than you deserve, is it, eh?
There were other flowers much like these... from Oz, I think his name.
Really? What a coincidence, eh? Look, my name's, um... Wayne.
[Chuckles] I know. [Wayne opens Christa's car door; she puts the flowers on the front passenger seat] Thank you very much.
Er... you Englisch... you live there, ja?
Yeah, in the hut. Yeah. We call it the Stalag.
Wie bitte? (I beg your pardon?)
Stalag. 'Cos it's like a prisoner of war camp, y'know.
Oh! It's... nice camp, ja?
Nice? It's not exactly the Hilton, love, but it's okay, y'know. Just one of the hardships we have to endure to stay in your wonderful country.
Ja. [She closes the car door] Show me. [Heads towards the lads' hut]
[Giving chase] Look, it's a bit basic, love. I mean, it's got old socks and crisps and things in it, you know! I really don't think you'd like it that much!
Here, Oz. Isn't that Wayne with your bird there?
Oz
She's not my bird, man. Not since I found out that she isn't who she wasn't.
Still very tasty though, ain't she?
Yeah, yeah. Y'know, when Wayne gets his evil hands on her, mate...
Oz
Eh? [They give chase, watching from a distance. They see Wayne and Christa enter the hut.] What's he up to?
[As Christa takes in the grim reality of how the lads live] Well... I did warn you, love.
[Standing on Wayne's bed, hysterical] No, no!
[Also standing up] Don't worry, love. [Christa falls onto the bed] Get... stand up! [Oz enters]
Oz
You dirty bastard!
No, look, you don't understand! You don't understand... [Oz picks Wayne up by the back of his jacket and throws him out of the hut, face first into a muddy puddle.]
[Hysterical] He bite me, he bite me!
Oz
Calm down, pet. I've taken care of that dirty little turd.
[Enterting the hut with Moxey] What's the matter, miss? Did Wayne try to ravish you, miss?
No, there... there is a rat. [That puts Barry and Moxey back on edge!]
Well, gentlemen, as you probably know there have been one or two changes in the Federal Government's attitude to Gastarbeiter - visiting workers. This is because of increasing unemployment here in West Germany. Oh yes, we have it too.
Yes, but ours is bigger than yours! [The others laugh]
So, we have had to look at ways of keeping more jobs for our own people. Up until now, you have worked here without paying tax or insurance, and that has been very convenient for all of us, ja? But, from next Monday, if you wish to stay and work here in Germany, you will have to apply for official registration and be issued with a license.
Oz
Ere, does that mean we gotta give up our British nationality? 'Cos I'm buggered if I'm becoming a German!
No no no, you do not understand. As members of the EEC you have the right to work here, but from now you must accept your financial obligations to the German state.
Oz
Well... can we not just graft here and then send wor tax home?
Oz
I'm not being ridiculous! I just think it's a bit strong that we give Germany all our skill and labour, and now it's tryin' ta issue us with dog licenses and take what little pittance of money we earn off wor!
Just ignore him, Herr Grunwald.
So... if you could let me know as soon as possible if you wish to stay or not, we can get on with the paperwork.
I can let you know straight away, Herr Grunwald. I'm goin' back to England.
Me too, Herr Grunwald. Family calls.
I shall be sorry to see both of you go. Anyone else?
...Well, personally, I... I'm not quite sure yet, Herr Grunwald.
[turns to Wayne and Dennis] And what about you, Mr. Patterson? [Dagmar looks through into Grunwald's office at Dennis. Oz turns to Dennis]
I haven't decided yet, Herr Grunwald.
Well, it looks as if no-one will be staying, ja?
I wouldn't be too sure about that, Herr Grunwald. [Referring to Wayne, who has been exchanging glances with Christa in the other office the entire meeting]
Oz
Well, this is a right puzzler, this one. I don't wanna go back home, but I don't really wanna stop here working in Germany, especially if I'm just gonna be workin' with Germans.
I thought you had a wife and a kid though, Oz.
Aye, and that's why he doesn't want to go back!
Oz
[Nods in agreement] True, true. What about you, Moxey? You'll stop here with us, won't ya?
Ah, as much as I like it, Oz, I can't say I relish the idea of paying tax, like. I mean, when you think about the squallid lifestyle that we lead at the moment, it's gonna be even worse with less money.
Sounds like another boy Blighty-bound to me!
No way, Bomb. There's even less chance of that happening.
Oz
How's that, like?
I've got a record, haven't I? I was in the nick for two years 'fore I come out here.
Oz
Yeah?
This was supposed to be me fresh start in life.
Oz
Ahhh, what did you get locked up for, eh?
Oz
[Shocked] Arson?!
Yeah, I know! I didn't wanna tell you blokes, you know, in case you got worried, like, you know, about bein' in the same hut as me, like. Guess it don't matter now, though.
Oz
[Still shocked] Arson, eh? And you don't even smoke!
And how's that come about, Mox?
I was workin' on this building site, you know, back in Liverpool. Bastard site manager, had it in for us, like, kept dockin' my wages for no reason! And one day, you know, I just lost me rag. I set fire to his hut.
Oz
What, was he still in it?
Not for long, no. [Bomber chuckles] So there you go, record for arson. Dodge City address.
Oz
Where?
Kirkby. I reckon me chances on Merseyside are even worse than Everton's!
Oz
Well... [Slams his palm on the bar] Stop on, Moxey. That's the only thing you can do, really.
Yeah, I know, Oz, but, y'know once they get me name down on their forms and their files, it'll only be a matter of time before they find out about me past.
Oz
Hey, Dennis? You'll never guess what? Moxey's an arsonist!
[To the barman, completely ignoring Oz] Schnapps. [The barman brings the bottle over] Just leave the bottle. [He does so.]
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
