How's about if I contributed to a German heart disease charity fund, and instead of one of them little flags for me lapel, they put this tattoo on me arm?
Oh, very ingenious, that.
OzEven Brenda would see through that fairytale, man!
[Eyeing up Dennis downing the schnapps] I bet Dennis could come up with summat.
[In a drunken stupor] Not a chance.
I dunno, but he's certainly taken hold.
Oz
I'll have a word with 'im, he'll talk to me...
[Shouting] Just stop right where you are, Oz!
Come on, Den. We're your mates. Whatever it is, share it with us.
Aye, a trouble shared is a trouble halved, eh? Aye, that was one of Vera's favourite sayings, that was.
Come on, Den. Snap out of it, man.
[Snapping] "Snap out of it?!" Will you listen to this lad, eh? Have you lot had any idea what it's like bein' kicked out of a marriage? It's like bein' asked to take down all those walls we've been buildin' brick by brick wi' yer bare hands. Imagine what that feels like, yeah? Aye, then imagine what it would be like if they came along and said, "Right, now put 'em all back up again."
Thanks for the offer, Bomber, but you can't. I help you with your problems. Doesn't work the other way 'round. That's how it is! So all of you just, er... [Puts some money on the bar and takes the bottle of schnapps he's been drinking from and starts to leave the bar] ...just do me the only favour you can, will you, eh? Just leave me alone!
Oz
Oh, 'ey! What a day. I'm shattered [Flings his tools into storage]
Wayne signed on, then, Oz.
Oz
Gotta put up wi' you, have I?
Oh, cheers. It's his charm that knocks me out, you know(!)
Oz
Pour us a cup of tea, Nev.
Oh, aye! [Heads to the stove]
You know what, Nev? He's gettin' really bossy these days, in't he?
Aye, I reckon it's Barry's Planet of the Apes theory has gone to his heid. [Carries the kettle to the table while flailing his arms like a monkey]
Oz
Howay, man, just pour the tea.
Yeah, of course, the advantage of being a chippie is you don't have to work in the hot sun all day, y'know.
Oz
I blame Barry for all this palaver, yer kna. He's got us all convinced that we're missing Dennis's "leadership".
Yeah, yeah. Look, come on. What are we gonna do about him, eh? I mean, we've all leant on him enough for the past six months. It's time we gave the poor sod a hand.
Well that's just the trouble. He'll not let us.
Oz
Maybe it's his pride, eh?
M-maybe he just don't trust us.
Just to avoid any more embarrasing scenes, I, er... shan't be goin' over the club tonight. I'm goin' down to town to get legless. So you lot will be safe where you are. [Leaves the hut]
Oz
I reckon instead of examining our behaviour, Professor bloody Barry should have a look at him! I've never seen a man so withdrawn. He's nae thought for his mates...
Neville Oh, aye? Maybe you should pool your knowledge of budgies with Barry's knowledge of chimps! Between yer, you might find a solution.
Oz
There's nae need for that, Nev, I'm just tryin tae...
Oh, isn't there? Seems to me you couldn't care less about Dennis!
Oz
I could, I could.
Oz
All right, all right. I'll prove it, then. [Gets up and leaves the hut to follow Dennis downtown...]
Aye. One of these might be the last brick I lay in Germany.
DDennie
Oh 'ey, don't start gettin' sentimental, Neville. [Neville laughs]
[Climbing a ladder to join the lads, with a Union Jack flag sticking out of his trouser pocket] Watch out, watch out... Hey-'ey! You lot are a bit keen, in't ya?
Yeah. Right, mate. Keen to get at the bevvy.
[Climbing the ladder, also with a Union Jack flag in his trouser pocket] 'Ey, not before five, eh, lads? We don't want to spoil our most exemplary work record by short-changing the Erics on our last day, do we? Get to it, then!
What are you doin' up here, then, eh?
Well, it's different for me, innit? I'm a skilled worker, me, I'm not labourers like you lot.
I work on miniature masterpieces of wiring, I do, which cannot be constrained by mere units of time.
How is the time, by the way? It must be gettin' close.
[Checking his watch] Er, about thirty seconds to go, I think. Yeah. I'll give you a countdown on my superbly accurate digital watch, shall I? Right... [Reads from his watch] 15... 14... 13...
[Singing] Rule Britannia / Britannia rules the waves!
[Holding his beer aloft] En-ger-land!
Hey, listen, I wanna make a toast. To Oz.
To absent friends. [The lads raise their beers.]
Oz
[For it is he inside the crane bucket, makes a Tarzan call.]
Oz
[As he emerges from the bucket, his arm in a sling] Mind if I drop in, lads? [The lads laugh and cheer]
Oh, aye. That's England alright! Misty, grey cliffs.
Oz
Bloody depressing looking place when you think about it, isn't it? I'm surprised the Vikings never turned back!
Ahh, ye cannae beat it, but.
Oz
Can yer not? Not much in store for us when we get back there, is there? Apart from Keegan. No work, no money, no prospects...
Oh, I dunno, Oz. I met a bloke in the bar before, and he reckons they'll be needing bricklayers up our way soon.
Oz
Oh, aye? And where's that?
Well, it's just a whisper, like, but he had heard that that, er, they're gonna rebuild Hadrian's Wall! [They all laugh]
I must admit, Oz, after the disappointment of not getting to Saudi, I had grave misgivings about joining you in the Falklands, mate.
Oz
Oh? Why's that, then?
I'd seen the pictures on the television, and I'd read all the papers and stuff. I knew there was no amenities, as such, but what I was really worried about was I heard about this animosity from the locals towards the itinerant workforce.
Oz
Nah, we get nae trouble from the Bennys, do wa?
PPaddy
Benny in Crossroads.
Oz
Benny, man. Yer kna, the duck egg, the thicket. He's the stupid one, isn'he? That's what we call the locals.
Barry; Oh, yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah... And of course, another thing I heard was that some of our lads go a bit potty out here, you know, with the solitude and the wind, right.
PPaddy
Who told you that?
I think it was The Sunday People, actually. I was readin' that apparently some British brickies found some old Argentinian machine guns and went absolutely berserk and started letting 'em off at each other!
Oz
Yeah, well, you'll always get the occasional lunatic, won't yer?
PPaddy
D'you like a bit of sport, Barry?
Yes, I do, actually. Especially table tennis.
PPaddy
We have races. Don't we, Oz?
Oz
[Catching on] Oh, aye. Aye, we do, Paddy. Aye. Just for a ten spot, like. Kill a bit of time, yer kna? Are ya up for it?
Yeah, yeah. Count me in. A bit of fun, innit?
Oz
Oh aye, it's a bit of fun. Follow me. [Oz, Paddy and Barry climb through some barbed wire.] Right, get yer dough out. I'll hold on to the kitty. [Barry and Paddy each give Oz a tenner. To Barry] You've still got English money? [Pockets the money.]
Um... how far do we race, actually?
Oz
We start here, right? And we finish just at the opposite side of the minefield, right? Go! [Oz and Paddy run off to the other side, while Barry remains rooted to the ground having realised he'd stepped into a minefield!]
Oz
Yer kna the reason I left this country in the first place, divven't you, eh? I'll tell you. In a word, Margaret bloody Thatcher, that's why. Because I'd had it, I was up to there with what she'd created. Bloody wasteland. Desolate. Nae joy, nae hope, nae nowt. Where kids get to twenty-one and have never done a day's work in their life. Honest men have to gan out thieving to feed their families. Young bairns can buy heroin in the bike sheds at school. Oh, dear. But I thought, "Nah, nah, nah. It's got to be getting better. It cannae be as bad as what it was, can it?" I was willing to give you lot the benefit of the doubt on this one, yer kna. But nah, nah, nah. What happens? What happens is I've been back on me native soil for fourteen minutes, and I'm subjected to this act of fascist intimidation! 'Cos that's what it is, yer kna! That's what it is, and I'll be writing to me MP aboot this!
[Putting on a glove] Spread.
Oz
What do you think you're going to find up there, eh? A new striker for Newcastle United?
Hello, Dennis. Didn't expect you back so soon, mate.
Didn't expect you back at all.
Aye, well, I had a bit of business to take care of, but I came back because I've had this proposition. Might interest some of you lads. Now, er... there's good news, and there's bad news attached to this. Which one do you want first?
Oh, eh let's have the bad news.
Right, okay. [Whistles. Oz enters.]
Oz
...Why, aye.
Right, lads. He wants a quick conversion, so he can sell it over the odds and make a tasty profit, see?
Ah, the unacceptable face of c-capitalism.
Oz
Aye, that's right. But we're gettin' paid top whack, so...
Well, I've already seen the drawings. I reckon there's at least... two months' work.
Oh yeah. Two months, ten weeks...
I'm in charge, Barry, so there'll be no gaffers, eh?
This bloke... wouldn't happen to be Ally Fraser, would it?
Oz
Oh look, man! His money's just as good as anybody else's, Neville, isn'it? Or are ya snowed under wi' work offers at the moment, like?
Well, I'm game. Life-savers for Bomber. Bloody sight better than being bounced about the ring and having old ladies stubbing fag ends about your arse!
I fancy it. I'm f-fairly free.
Can't see it appealing to him. Not with a BMW and that scrumptious little wife at home.
Yeah, I know about all that, but I mean if it's only for a couple of months, could be a giggle, couldn't it? [Throws a can of lager to Oz.]
Well... if it's only a couple of months, I suppose so.
Right, so you're all in then!
Ah well, I'd be with you straight away, you know, for old times' sake, like, but er... the impending nuptials...
Oz
We'll miss your sparkling repartee(!) Eh? Barry Taylor, the prince of trivia. [The others, except Barry, laugh]
Monday?! But that only gives you... four days to finish me house!
Better get crackin' then!
All right, lads, move yerselves!
Oh, don't say that! Not after that bloody curry we had last night!
Listen, Wayne, we're bound to lose each other, there's a great big motorway caff just before we come off the motorway, right? Be there for brekkie.
Oz
[As he leaves the motel with his bags] Hold on, I've not had me cup o' tea.
We've already had tea! We were supposed to be on the road an hour ago!
Oz
Look, Dennis, if you're ganna be the gaffer on this new job, you'd better get summat straight straight away.
Oz
We're still entitled proper meal breaks, right?
Oz
And travelling time to the job an' back. An' another thing: don't go usin' Barry's gaff as a yardstick for our workrate neither, right?
Nah, we'll spin this one out a bit longer.
[Noticing Barry's van about to pull into the car park.] Oh, here comes Barry to see us off. [Barry pulls up in front of the lads and gets out of his van.]
What's wrong with you, mate? You look worse than what Moxey feels.
I hope you 'aven't come to tell us your cheques is gonna bounce.
Nah, nah, nah. I've just come to get the address of the place where you're going to, like.
It's no bother, I'll write it down for yer.
Awww, isn't that nice? He's gonna write us a postcard from his honeymoon.
Won't be a honeymoon. Won't be a wedding. Nah, Hazel needs to think things through, like. So, be with you in a couple of days!
Ah, yes. This reminds me very much of my gaff in Tilbury(!) Not so much gardens. Mind you, on the other hand, I don't suppose they have the pong from the lino factory, eh?
[As he and Oz start to walk round to the back] I lived in a place like this once.
Oz
Bollocks!
I did. The borstal near Prestatyn.
What's Ally planning to do with this, Den?
Timesharing units, they call 'em.
All self-contained, like?
Aye, we'll put lots of bathrooms in, yer kna. Kitchenettes.
Well, there's a stack of overtime, aye, because he wants the job done fast. So I wouldn't reckon on seeing your Brenda too often, mate.
Ohh, 'ey, don't tell me you're heading for the broken homes club as well, are ya?
Oh, of course not. I'll just be glad to get me head down and get some solid graft in.
[Trying to open the back door] See if this opens.
Oz
[Nudges Moxey and pulls out the knife from the motorway services from his boot] Watch and learn, son. [He uses the knife to try and open one of the windows.]
What's the drill then, Dennis? Are we supposed to wait around 'til he [Fraser] shows up? Bomber could murder a pint.
We passed a nice little pub in the village.
Aye, well you lads go down there. I'll have to stop here, man.
Watering the geraniums, I suppose. [Shouts round the corner] Here, Oz! Mox! Come on, we're going down the boozer.
Hey, Bomber. Don't let the lads make a day trip of this, mind, will yer?
Leave it to me, Dennis. I'll keep 'em in order. Pint and a pie. [As they walk off, they hear sounds coming from the house.]
Hey, Den, listen. [He hears footsteps.] I thought you said this place was empty.
It is, man. Oh, aye. Apart from the monster. Didn't want to let yer kna about that in case it frightened you off, like, yer kna.
Oz
[Posh accent] What are youse peasants doing on my property? There's a notice there what clearly states that members of the working class will be exterminated. Now piss off! [They all laugh.]
Oz
[At the jukebox] Oi! [Pringle goes from serving a customer in the lounge to the public bar.] How often d'you get these records changed, lad?
Nothing to do with me, that's up to the brewery.
Oz
Well, the bloke from the brewery must love Duran Duran. You haven't got one decent record on here, man!
[Getting up] Same again, is it?
No, no, I promised Den I'd get you all back.
Back to work... [Drinks his pint]
Just going for a piss. [Heads for the toilet.]
'Ey, better get Den summat to eat, eh?
Got any of them pies left, squire?
Have you got anything hot?
[Checks his watch] It's after two.
Look, we've got this mate and he's not eaten, so what can you offer?
Crisps, or... that sandwich. [Points to the sole sandwich left in a food cover.]
...we'll take that, then. [Pringle takes the sandwich out.]
Oz
[Looking around] I don't think we'll be coming back here in a hurry, d'you?
[Drinking the last of his pint] The beer's not bad. Canny drop.
Oz
No, I'm not talkin' about the beer, man. I'm talking about mine host, Happy Harry the wing co.
[Offended] Are you referring to me?
Oz
Well, you're obviously ex-RAF, aren't you, eh? Judging by all the crap you've for hanging up on the walls, anyway. When did you get pensioned off, then?
I resigned six years ago.
Oz
Ah, six years ago. That'll have been a nice easy stretch, was it?
Oz
Between Suez and the Falklands there wasn't a lot of action. About as much as we'll find 'round here.
I trust you'll go and find it somewhere else!
This place looks all right.
Oz
No, I don't reckon this place is a good idea.
Eh? We've been all over the place, Oz.
I thought that Mrs. Armitage seemed nice enough.
Nah, you know what that's gonna be, don't you? "Wipe your feet before you come in and lights out after ten."
Course we can always stay with Ally at the Cross Keys at £50 a night, like.
Well if we don't find somewhere soon, we're gonna end up kipping down at the house.
Look, man, it's only for one night 'til we find somewhere permanent. Some of us are starving because we didn't get any dinner!
Oz
Alreet, alreet. Suit yerselves.
Right, let's gan in. [Gets out of the van, noticing the others don't.] What's the matter?
Well, you're best at this sort of thing, Den. Y-yeah, you handle it.
Do you lads kna somethin' I don't?
Oz
No...
Evening. Er, have you got any rooms free?
Er, you couldn't manage three twins, could you?
Yes, I think I can manage that.
Champion. [Pringle returns to the bar. Dennis goes to the front door and calls out to the lads.] Right, lads. No problem. [He goes to the bar.]
That'll be £18 a night, and I don't take credit cards.
That's okay, we prefer cash anyway. Er, I tell you what, give us five pints of this bitter to start with, please. [Pringle starts pouring the beers as the lads enter with their cases.]
Oz
Hello again! [Pringle looks up with a look of bewilderment!]
Where the hell have you been?
I dossed down here last night.
You look bloody frozen! [Picks up Neville's jacket] Here, lad. [Throws the jacket over Moxey's shoulders]
So what's the word, then, eh? I mean, I think you owe us an explanation, mate. [After running away after the sight of a police car the previous day]
Yeah... I've been in prison, see.
Oz
We kna that, man, but that was yonks ago, wasn'it? It doesn't mean you have to shit yerself every time you see a police.
No, I mean I've been in recently. Like last week. An' I'm not due out 'til next March.
What, you mean, you've went over the wall?
Well, it wasn't a closed nick. I was in an open prison in Cheshire. Wasn't as if I had to dig a tunnel or rent an helicopter. I just walked out the front door. Bought a Toblerone at the post office and got a bus to Macclesfield.
I've got a mate there. He gave us a float and I made me way to Barry's.
Yeah, it's a bloody lunatic thing to do, Mox.
If it was an open prison, you must have been dealt with fairly lenient.
Oh I was. I'm not a Grade A villain! I just got done for the old trouble.
Yeah. You see, with me, they know that it's a ps-ps-psychological defect, as opposed to a cr-criminal tendency.
Oz
Ah, they also didn't want a prison burned to the ground, did they?
Yeah, but blimey, Mox, if it was an open prison, you must've had life pretty cushy, eh?
It's still stir, Wayne. It's still people tellin' you what to do an' when to do it! I had a year of it ahead of me.
Well, they'll have a bloody sight more when they nick you, mate.
Wayne's right. If you give yourself up, you'll be caned for your walkabout. But if you don't, and you get collared, you'll be looking at two years.
Suit yourself. [Gets up to start work.]
Oz
Aye, don't worry, Moxey. We'll look after yer.
Maybe we could light a fire, eh?
That's a good idea, that...
Er... no. No, not you, Moxey. I think I'll do it.
BMrs. Bellamy
Good morning.
BMrs. Bellamy
I'm Helen Bellamy. I owe you gentlemen an apology. It was I who sent the policeman here yesterday. I'm afraid I thought you were criminals. [Oz chuckles.]
I suppose we did look a bit out of place, like, roond here.
BMrs. Bellamy
Mr. Ames, er, talked about doing some work on the house.
It's not Mr. Ames we're workin' for. This is owned by a Mr. Fraser now.
BMrs. Bellamy
Oh? It's been sold? I never saw any signs. None of the local estate agents had it listed. Of course, Mr. Ames was rather a mystery man. My husband and I met him once when we were raising money for Oxfam. He made a very generous donation. And then one day, we opened the Sunday newspapers and found him described as King Porn!
BMrs. Bellamy
"Is this Britain's most evil man?" one of them asked. We'd always found him perfectly charming.
Oz
You cannae gan judging a book by what you see printed on the front cover, pet, can yer?
BMrs. Bellamy
I beg your pardon?
He's sayin' appearances can be deceptive.
Yeah, y'see these days, a lot of villains become country squires, don't they? You know, mingle with local nobs, take up fox hunting, have sherry with the vicar. Then once a month, they pops down to London and does the old bullion job.
Oz
Aye, then they get rumbled, y'see, and dodge over to Spain, divvn't they?
BMrs. Bellamy
Ah, Spain? Yes, where one gathers Mr. Ames now resides.
Would you like a cup of tea, Mrs..?
BMrs. Bellamy
No.. thank you. Jasper and I must be getting along.
Nice dog, that. I like retrievers.
Oz
[Laughs] I would've thought a retriever would be the last sort of dog you'd have fancied, Moxey! [Laughs again]
BMrs. Bellamy
The old house could do with a lick of paint.
Oh, it's more than that, pet. Big job, this. Conversion.
Aye. We'll be here a while.
Oz
Aye, so you'd better lock up yer daughters! [Chuckles]
Oz
[Kicking in the door from which Moxey emerged the day before] Come on, Moxey, man. We know you're in there!
If we're getting in this early, we might as well not have gone to bed.
[From another room] Is it safe?
No, the place is surrounded by the SPG with riot shields(!) [Moxey emerges]
Oz
Ah, you divvn't half flatter yerself, ye dae, lad. You're not exatly public enemy number one, is yer?
Plain-clothes from the Smoke don't come round looking for toerags like you, son. [Dennis enters.]
Morning, Papillon! [The others laugh. Dennis throws Moxey some food in a paper bag] Here. A bacon and egg sandwich there for you.
Oh, cheers, mate. Oh, by the way, it was Brad Dexter.
The bloke we couldn't think of in The Magnificent Seven. Bomber's character, it was Brad Dexter.
No-one has. That's why we couldn't remember him. Couldn't sleep last night, see. What with worrying about the law and the cold and the rats.
I couldn't sleep, worryin' about you an' your situation, an' what I'm gonna do about it, Moxey!
Oh. Sorry, Den. I should've levelled with you.
Oz
I think he's right... I think it was Brad Dexter. ...Ah! Now that's who he was, man! He was the gadgy what saved Frank Sinatra's life, wasn'he?
Oz
I dunno, Wayne, I'm not the Memory Man, am I? But, er... apparently what happened was Sinatra got a ducking one time and nearly drowned, like, and that Dexter gadgy dived in, pulled him out and saved him. That would've been it, wouldn'it? In clover for the rest of his natch. Ahh, just imagine it, eh? Limos, boilers, monogrammed cufflinks with yer initials on. Owt you fancy, I'd imagine.
Oz
[Brushing his teeth] Aye. D'you like it? [Dennis joins the queue for the bathroom. Moxey and Neville are in front.]
Hey! [Bangs the door] Hurry up, Wayne, will you? There's a bloody queue out here, y'know.
Why do these places always just have one bog?
I've just been sayin' to Mox, he'll be all right with us, won't he? He's our mate, we've gotta look after 'im.
Well that's all very well for you to say. Technically I'm the employer.
Oz
Ah, that says a lot about where your mentality is, yer kna, Den.
[Goes back to his and Oz's room] What's that supposed to mean?
Oz
Well, what do yer think it means?
I don't know. You tell me what my mentality is.
Oz
Well, in a word, you see yerself as a gaffer, don't yer? Always have done.
[Walking past the door] That's a whole sentence.
Oz
[Shouts down the corridor] Hey, man! I'm sayin' this for your benefit, yer kna, tosspot! [He and Dennis follow Moxey into his and Bomber's room]
Shut up, both of yer! [To Moxey] Look, I've got to handle this job legit, right?
[Cutting his toenails] But Ally's a crafty old bugger himself.
Well that's all the more reason, isn'it, why he doesn't want to bring any heat down by some petty infringement of the Employment Act! Look, I have to do their 715, stamp their ticket. Moxey's got neither. [To Moxey] Look, Moxey, if you're picked up, God forbid, they're going to ask me, yer kna, quite rightly, why I hired you without proper documentation. So when you talk about accessories, it won't be you lot, will it? Oh nah, it'll be yours truly who ends up in the clarts!
Oz
See what I mean about the gaffer's mentality?
Yeah, but he's right though, isn't he? I can't compromise him. It wouldn't be fair.
Oz
All right, all right. But does it not strike you lot as a bit ironic? All this setup, eh?
Oz
[Spits out the toothpaste] Here we are, right. We're workin' for this bloke, whose reputation is, to say the least... dubious. I mean I kna all aboot Ally Fraser, yer kna. He's a heavy duty villain. But he's alreet, 'cos he's so bloody wrapped up by lawyers, accountants and legal loopholes, he couldn't give a monkey's chuff aboot the law, the Inland Revenue or nowt! And you're more worried aboot Moxey, who, I mean, yer kna, with all due respect, is just some lowlife punter! His only real fault is he gans through life thinkin' every day is Guy Fawkes' Night!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
