Archer · Season 1
OK, fine, I can't prove anything right now.
That didn't stop J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King, now did it?
What does that have to do... Wait, J. Edna?
You never heard that? How Hoover was a huge cross-dressing chicken hawk?
I had not.
Well that's exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor that I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about that while you're on suspension.
While I'm on what?!
What are you, deaf and racist?
I'm black!
Oh, put it back in the deck.
Yeah, she's kind of weird that way.
Yeah, she's kind of weird a bunch of ways.
And don't go starting rumors about Conway boning your mother.
[Archer throws up]
You get any of that in the trashcan?
No. I missed on purpose.
It's a silent submarine propulsion system called the "Whisper Drive". [...] This is Wilhelm Schmeck, inventor of the Whisper Drive. Yesterday, Schmeck went missing, along with the plans for the Whisper Drive. I've tracked him to South Beach where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban Naval Intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs could be parked right off Miami Beach.
Ugh, just what Miami needs... More Cubans.
Lana, call Kenny Loggins... 'cuz you're in the Danger Zone.
[Lana slaps Archer]
I want you to listen to me.
Then unperforate my eardrum.
Un... head up your ass.
[Archer and Conway are hugging after they completed their mission. Conway stabs Archer in the back]
Conway?
Yeah, buddy.
Are there more bad guys behind me?
Nope.
You dick.
You haven't seen the last of Conway Stern... Which is not my real name.
And I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet like a Pez dispenser.
You said no dates.
I said no such thing.
Well, your mouth did.
Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy!
Um, phrasing?
[to Archer] Regale him with tales of ISIS exploits. Take his mind off Lana's huge Johnny Benchian fingers.
Could we get off my fingers?
Yeah, they are pretty big.
First time I've heard you complain.
All I've had today is, like, six gummy bears and some scotch.
[on Elke] Like to get a physical from her.
Or with her.
[performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.
She probably uses the metric system.
Yeah, what do they use--kilowatts?
No. In this case, it would be pascals.
Hey, Europe: be gayer.
Lana, release him!
As you wish. [She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I find your mannish hands disturbing.
I think they're kinda sexy.
Excuse me?
They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.
[as Mallory rings a dinner bell] Wow. Forgot how much I hate that.
Oh, that's right. I kept it on the nightstand to wake nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed.
[as everybody laughs] Mother!
Wait, whose bed?
It was always "don't ask, don't tell."
Woodhouse! What are you doing?!
Uh, sitting down, sir.
What, at the table?!
Sterling.
Like people?!
Sterling!
What?! Look, he thinks he's people!
But they were blanks! Weren't they?
Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
