Yeah, they're shooting at you!
Who?
The storm ninjas!
What? That's not a thing, idiot! [beat] Oh. I stand corrected.
S5 E1White Elephant
Son of a...bitches, I am pregnant!
Yes! Who could forget, with the bastard spawn of a total stranger.
Okay, first of all... [flashbang lands near Cyril] Cover your eyes and ears!
You're not the boss of me! [flashbang goes off] Meep? Meep?
Well, he died doing what he loved...getting shot.
FFBI Agent
Uh, sir? It's like you said. He's dug in there like a tick and...
Never! You'll never take me alive!
HAgent Holly
[sighs] Okay, breach it.
FFBI Agent
Roger that. [detonates breaching charge]
On second thought, I very much prefer to be taken alive. Just let me clear the ol' browser history and—no, no, no, no, n— [agents choke-tackle him] OOF! Oh, come on!
I said Ms. Archer had an affair with the head of the KGB for like 30 years.
Yeah, until he got blown up. Which was actually my fault.
Because she was busy having choke-sex with a murderous cyborg who then became the new head of the KGB.
Until I built a sexier one out of illegal Soviet parts. And a corpse.
Oh, Jesus I forgot about the...
Giant pot farm in West Virginia.
And this whole other thing with the Yakuza.
Irish mob.
Piracy.
White slavery.
No, actual piracy. With, like, boats.
Is it murder if they were my own clones? [beat] I'm seriously asking.
Defiling a corpse.
Defiling a different corpse.
Kidnapping the Pope...
[laughs] Faking my own kidnapping! Arson...
Bum fights! You know like when you pay bums to...
Destroy an oil pipeline in...
I wanna say Burt Reynolds!
Turkmenistan?
Archer Vice.
What?
Nothing. Shut up.
S5 E2Archer Vice: A Kiss While Dying
What's in Miami?
Besides 90% of all mosquitoes and Cubans on earth?
That sounds high.
[To Lana] But the point is we are highly trained covert operatives with an extremely dangerous set of skills. [To Pam] PAM! LEG! [Back to Lana] Since the government has unjustly accused us of treason. We are now forced to transfer those skills from espionage to criminal activity. Kind of like the A-Team but we sell drugs.
And you're OK with that?
Are you not? Lana, it's the A-Team meets Scarface! That makes me... ummm...
Hannibal Montana?
[to Archer] If anything goes wrong, I'm holding you responsible.
[sarcastically] Yeah, that'll teach me.
S5 E3Archer Vice: A Debt of Honor
Amphetamines?!
Right? And I know it sounds crazy, but I like them as much as cocaine!
[seeing the Yakuza at the door on a monitor] Hey, so, did somebody order Chinese?
They're Japanese, you idiot!
[to his virtual girlfriend] Oh, for... I don't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swede! Either time that happened!
Well, what did he say?
Well, he's not happy, obviously, and he wants his drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not gonna be playing the violin any time soon.
Because?
Because a violin would probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved that guy in.
EEEveryone else
Ew!
But if all Moto wants is his drugs...
Then he can give us a refund.
Of worthless counterfeit money?
It's not exactly worthless. The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar for it.
What?! Why didn't you say that?!
Uh, I don't know. I assumed you knew.
Everybody knows that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.