So, obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but...
But your mother is, so...
But I wonder what Lana thinks about...
Lana's not "need to know" this.
Wow. "Open purse, remove balls," huh?
Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.
[Cheryl gasps loudly]
Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.
Well that's just... Excuse us.
[Cyril and Archer walk away]
What is this herpes business?
Bad joke. And a false alarm.
This is what a real field agent uses.
[Archer gives Cyril a new pen]
The point is a lot finer than I prefer.
That's because it's a hypodermic needle and the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called poiso... caine. [puts the pen in Cyril's shirt-pocket] Keep it in here. But be careful, because the cap slips off for, like, no reason.
Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one who killed a perfectly good hooker.
Immigrants! That's how they do, you know. Just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.
Oh my God, you killed a hooker!
Call girl! She was a call girl!
No, Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers!
Will I get to learn karate?
Karate?! The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
When would you use an underwear gun?
Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow, and you're kind of high, an exotic woman on the bed. Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for? Or is she an... assassin?
Oh, here's room service. Who ordered champagne?
Exactly. You're baked. You can't remember. But since when does it take three huge surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne?
Ohh. Because they're assassins too?
Or.. Maybe one guy's a new waiter. The second one's training him, and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the A.C.
Oh, yeah. I guess that could happen.
Point is, you come out of the john waving this around... no one's gonna bug you for a tip.
Hey, Pam, check this out.
[Pam looks at computer]
Holy hell, what happened to you?
Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a snack?
[Later]
Hey, Jane! [pulls out a switch blade] Gettin' a tampon?
I am the best at this, Rain Man! OK. I'm like...
Well, I don't like to invite that comparison, but yeah, basically.
I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see. I'm driving the car.
I could drive better than that.
So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.
Oh no you are not. you are totally not...
How did you know where I was?
When we first started going out, I may have...[quickly] injected a tracking device into your body.
No no, now that is a breach of trust, Lana.
Do you really want to open this can of trust-breachy worms right after I just caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a dead hooker in the trunk?
Oh, I think we're pretty diverse.
What? You're black... ish...
Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said "Quadroon!"
Both of you, imagine shutting up!
[about Conway] And what do we know about this guy?
Only that he's uncircumcised.
[Pause] Okay, glossing over how you know that--
NO, GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?
What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum--
Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.
[Archer is hammering some paper into a shredder using a stapler]
Uh, none-of-your-business-ing. And what kind of spy agency scrimps on a freaking shredder?
‹ Previous Page 2 of 8
Next ›
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
