Archer · Season 8
What sort of daily expenses does a semi-private investigator incur?
Bullets?
Daily.
Or, I don't know, maybe a surf and turf dinner at the Polo Lounge?
Uh-huh?
And then maybe a room upstairs at the Beverly Hills hotel?
Uh-huh.
And then, maybe...
I'm gonna leave you here. Between hope and despair.
Everything is my business.
Oh, including white slavery?
What?
Those girls are tied up, asshole.
No they're not, they're just...aww dog dicks.
Yeah, so...
Uhhh, wouldn't it be "yellow slavery?"
[gasps in disbelief] Uh, I don't know, racist!
White slavery is just as racist!
WHAT??
Nooo, you know, if you differentiate between cotton-picking slavery-
Jesus Christ!
-and then white slavery then that's-
SEXUAL slavery, then.
Okayyyy!
Goddammit.
My point is I think we're both anti-slavery.
I don't know what the hell you're going to do.
Well, that makes two of us!
Heiresses to fortunes like your family's don't fake their own deaths. They murder their parents and blame it on some poor Hispanic or Negro.
Yes, I thought about that, but I don't know any Hispanics or Negroes.
No, they make up the Hispanic or Negro.
I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.
Oh my God, you have a crush on her!
What?! No I don't, I...
Yes you do! That was the cutest thing! And I think SHE has a crush on YOU.
No, she...wait, really?
Absolutely!
Why - why - why do you think that? Did she --
Just admit that you like her!
Well, yeah, of course I --
[yells to room] Hey! Yeah! Me and him, we just f*****d!!
I realize that a segregated service is just crazy, especially given what we were fighting for over there, but -
Oh now you got a "but."
...if you think about it, the most racist thing would be, if, whenever there was a war, we only sent negroes.
WOW.
Words fail me.
Look, I know you cops have to check your weapons up front, and there's five of us and only one of you, so...
So who wants their ass beat first? And before you decide, keep in mind that I'm gradually goin' to get more tired, but also gradually more berserker.
I really wish we hadn't have done that.
I can never unsee him naked.
I mean, the size of that thing.
Hollow that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.
I'm afraid I'm going to ask for proof that you actually have Charlotte.
What kind of -- wait. Oh no.
Yes, I'm afraid I require...a finger.
Uh, I could bring you her! Just drive by the house, she could wave to you.
Ummmm, nope.
I...that's...then how 'bout a photo of her holding today's newspaper?
Ummmm, well now that could work!
Yeah!
Just make sure that she's holding the newspaper with nine fingers.
Ugh, goddammit.
As the Lord our God Himself is my witness, upon the conclusion of my current business, I shall return to this place, and visit upon you an apocalypse of such terror and destruction that you will rue, RUE, the very fact of your miserable birth!!
[munches on hot dog] I'll be here!
You're not planning to blindfold me and hide me in a bomb shelter with limited oxygen and send my family cryptic notes about how to find me in a race against time for my life?
Who are you, collective pseudonym Carolyn Keene?
What?
Who would go through all that trouble?
Johann Schmidt, a.k.a The Red Skull in my Nazi kidnap/rape fantasy.
Ewwww.
You say that with the confidence of a man who has a lot longer to live.
Are you kidding? Dreamland has a whole goddamn Nazi robot farm in the basement. In THIS economy!
Oh, Come on, white? divorced?, cop? Access to a firearm? Cuckold? Statistically, you're already dead.
Get me out of here alive, and the ransom money and we'll call it even, =
Okay, you know what? [swerves] Laugh it up, laughers. Since you like jokes so goddamn much... [swerves and throws Dutch off his motorcycle] Hahahaha. Oh hey, did you hear the one about - [drives car over Dutch]
Oh my God.
Archer, wait!
Or the one about - [drives car over Dutch again]
Archer!
Or here's one! Knock knock? [drives car over Dutch again]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
