Archer · Season 4
Speaking of, you see the bulge on that towel boy? Man, if I was you, I'd be in this spa 25/8.
Yeah, but then I wouldn't get to hang out with everybody at work.
You hate everybody at work.
I know. It's the only thing that gets me out of bed every morning.
I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.
Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.
As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damsely?
...Pam.
Sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?
I'm off for a seaweed wrap.
[Under his breath] I didn't know they made sushi with dried clams.
Oh, Ron, thank you for coming so quickly.
Phrasing! First! Boom!
This is Rodney, he's the new... whatever... gun librarian.
Armory supervisor!
[Cyril activates a laser alarm]
How could you not see that?!
Because, I only have two eyes and they were both busy looking for hunters!
[Referring to Cyril's bright orange snow clothes] Why, is it "pumpkin season"?!
[Gasps] Is that a thing?
[Seeing Cyril's orange snow clothes on the ground] Okay, so...really don't know what to make of that. Unless...[Looks around] Wait, no, no. Get it out of your head. Predator only hunts in tropical jungles...I assume...and desperately hope.
Ray's gonna be a cyborg over my dead body! Or preferably his! [Pause] But somebody's!
Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?
Once would be nice!
Hmm... No.
Are you going to open the damn door?
Only if you give me that weapon.
Do you honestly want to live through the Rise of the Machines?! Which you won't, because no one will?!
Uh—
It was rhetorical!
A small power unit goes here on your... spiney thing, which sends electical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and... stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton, replacing your current, uh, leg bones.
I have to say, it kind of worries me that you don't know the names of the actual bones.
Why is your instinctive response to run toward explosions?
Ummm... Because... I'm not a giant pussy!
And yet, somehow, incredibly single.
[Cheryl is hysterical. Archer slaps her.]
Whoa whoa whoa! Not cool man! That is not at all cool!
Rodney, you mind your own dicky beeswax! [To Archer] You got another one in ya?
I don't.
[seductively] Tease.
And I'm sorry for that one.
Don't be.
Because, I'm just going to say it, I think it's super creepy you get sexually aroused by physical violence.
Mmmm... Well, but also emotional violence...
[Archer suddenly crashes through the ceiling, naked, armed with an RPG. He stands and faces Cyril.]
[In a Terminator voice] Your clothes. Give them to me!
Ah!
[In normal voice] I'm just kidding, obviously! I wouldn't be caught dead in a sweater-vest! Now, if you'll excuse me... [Passes out]
Just like Fourth of Jul-Luau!
Yeah, if you slid a pig under him.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
