Dr. Krieger quotes from Archer

Cheryl

Trust me, you can't control a person's heart.

Krieger

You can with a little thing I call a deep cycle marine battery. [pause] Or LSD.

Cheryl

Is that what you've been giving me?

Krieger

...Yes.

Cheryl

I just thought they were breath strips!

Cyril

These are from a doctor!

Cheryl

So? Krieger's a doctor.

Cyril

Not the medical kind!

Krieger

Not even the other kind, technically.

Archer

Freaky!

Krieger

You wanna know what's freaky? Guess what I already named that bunny.

Archer

Rabbert Klein?

Krieger

Wow. That's... actually better.

Archer

It's all yours.

Archer

[talking about a mind control chip placed in a rabbit] Can you put it in a person's brain?

Krieger

[pause] It'd suffocate...

Archer

Not the rabbit, idiot; the chip.

Krieger

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

Archer

Without killing the person?

Krieger

Oh. [pause] Maybe?

Krieger

But don't touch it. Lysergic acid can be absorbed right through the skin. Even the tip of your finger can... [Krieger accidentally touches the strip] oops.

Archer

Oh, for fuck's sake, Krieger! You're about to perform brain surgery!

Ew, what is this? Homemade salad dressing?

Dr. Krieger

Breast milk.

Ew! I actually... have my own.

Dr. Krieger

So... you won't need this.

Cheryl

Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags and a book about SIDS.

What, what kind of shit gift is that?!

Pam

Yeah, I made mine.

Dr. Krieger

[shouting from distance] Me too!

Archer

[with Woodhouse] That's disgusting. If I wanted to look at your bare feet, Woodhouse, I'd sneak in and do it while you were asleep.

Dr. Krieger

Me too!

[holding Seamus] Somebody's got a full diaper.

Dr. Krieger

[shouting from distance] Me too!

Krieger

Have you ever thought about having children?

Cheryl

Sometimes I think I'd like to adopt a little baby. [Pause] So I could abandon it at a mall.

Krieger

That answers my follow up question.

Malory

So how's this going?

Dr. Krieger

Not great.

Krieger

My entire laboratory is at your disposal.

Malory

[Sarcastically] Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.

Krieger

A What?! I don't have one of those! [Cut to a shot of Krieger killing 'Pigley'] ... Anymore.

Krieger

Press that red button.

Archer

Is it going to kill everyone?

Krieger

Press that blue button.

Welcome, Mr. Archer...

Archer

It does know my name!

...to the Dodge Challenger Special Agent Edition, brought to you by Dodge.

Archer

Thanks, Dodge!

[all features shown] Featuring a 440 V8 engine, six-speed manual transmission, and a top speed of 185. Heavy-duty suspension, runflat tires, bulletproof body panels and windows, twin 30-cal machine guns mounted in the front, antipursuit countermeasures in the rear.

Archer

It makes the Mach-5 look like a vagina.

The interior boasts mil-spec GPS, satellite communications, hi-fi stereo, rich Corinthian leather.

Archer

Corinth is famous for its leather!

And of course...

[fast, over Archer's hysterical laughter] The in-dash bar is to be stocked with non-alcoholic beverages only. Dodge cannot stress this enough. Never ever ever drink and drive.

Krieger

I needed help...disseminating him.

Cheryl

Eww!

Pam

Not what it means.

Lana

Still pretty gross though.

Krieger

And brilliant. When I'm done with him, each one of us will walk out the front door carrying a small parcel.

Ray

How small?

Krieger

[holding hands a little over a foot apart] Eh. Then on our way home, we simply drop the parcels into seven different trash cans in three different boroughs.

Lana

That's...actually pretty smart.

Krieger

And hopefully, when you look at all the different drop points on a map, it'll look like a big smiley face.

Lana

That's actually pretty gross.

Cyril

Every single time we come here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.

Malory

Well you've only been here twice.

Ray

Speaking of, why the hell was the prime minister of Italy here?

Don't ask.

Pam

And follow-up, did those dastardly dagoes kill him and then dress him up like a big, giant penis, or...

Malory

Oh, God, that reminds me. KRIEGER!

Krieger

Yeah, I found it!

Cyril

Found what?

Don't ask!

Krieger

Can I keep it?

Cheryl

Keep what?

Don't ask!

Malory

Just get it out of here, please!

Krieger

Yeah, take that tone.

Malory

But Krieger, wait. The bathroom, the body, how did you--

Krieger

[puts his finger over Malory's mouth] Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh. You don't want to know. But you do probably want to go wash your lips now.

Krieger

I'm not a serial killer!

Archer

Wait, why did you emphasise "serial"?

Barry

Is anybody gonna ask how and why I knew to show up here?

Archer

Is...? Okay, I'll bite.

Barry

By tracking the satellite signal from Katya's internal hard drive, which Doctor Dipshit over there bought from the KGB.

Archer

Krieger!

Krieger

Yeah, but... the savings.

Barry

Like, eighty bucks you saved.