[After Lana knock down a biker at the "Now leaving Texarkana" sign]
Lana[Laughing] Yeah, bitch! That's how I— [Seeing Archer and Pam] Ohh, shit!
[Cherlene screams, Lana breaks]
Even a goddamn baby knows, in craps you never bet on the hard way! [Pam slap Archer who sees the bus about to hit them] OHHHHHHHHHHHH—
LCLana, Cyril, Cherlene, and Malory
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—
[The bus runs over Archer's car which spins, while Cherlene's bus crashes into a hill]
Give you three guesses, Pam!
Lana, in case you haven't noticed, this place is crawling with rebels.
And not the good kind you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach and cruise the strip in the bed of their Monster truck with a big rebel flag on it, flinging empty longnecks at people!
Lana
Yeah, those aren't actually the good kind either.
Those guys, Pam. Those exact same guys you just described.
Lana
I just this second realised why you want to stay down here! Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.
Is that a reference I should get, or...
Lana
Seriously?
Well I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.
Lana
It's from... No, y'know what, never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine.
But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.
Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.
Lana
What?
Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.
Lana
It cannot possibly!
Lana
Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?
[laughs] Um... uh, vaguely.
Lana
Okay, well, we all thought you were gonna die. And one night you got really drunk and we almost had sex, and right before you passed out, you told me Malory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office, and I was like "huh, weird." And then you didn't die, [Archer starts zoning out into a gradually increasing high-pitched tone] and a few years went by and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single and all the other stuff aside, physically you're an amazing human being. And all the other other stuff aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample sitting there at Dr. Feldman's, whose security system is a JOKE, by the way, and so I guess it maybe wasn't the most ethical thing I've ever done in my entire life.... Uhhh... Archer? ...Archer? ...Archer?
[Archer snaps out of it]
What's that?! Wait, wait... huh? What?!
Lana
You okay?
Yeah, sorry. For a second I thought I was just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago. [Archer takes a drink] Lana? Am I just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?
Lana
No.
Hmm. Lana? Am I just NOW coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?
Lana
No.
Then, what are you... [Archer looks at the baby] Baby, what is she saying? Baby? Baby?! Baby?!?! [Baby holds up a finger as she nurses on Lana] M-meep...
Lana
Sterling Archer...
Lana
...I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abbiejean.
[Pam has just spilled her urine on the floor of the elevator, with Ray laying on the floor, halfway out the door]
Quickly, get it before it gets on me!
Lana
With what? There's nothing to wipe it up with!
Ah-ha! [Holds up Cyril's vest] Maybe it is good for something!
Are you crazy?! That's cashmere!
Wha- [Hands Cyril back the vest] Oh my God, sorry!
Lana
What, so it's non-absorbent?
Lana, it's cashmere, there are rules.
Because you said we were on a break!
Lana
So two days later your cock's wet?
[scoffs] Oh, I'm sorry, Lana, is there a grace period? Because...
[they begin arguing over each other]
Lana
There is an acceptable amount of time...
...if there is, you neglected to tell me about it...
Lana
...before you start cramming your trash dick...
...but I guess that's par for the course with you...
Lana
...into every woman unlucky enough to walk by with...
...because you never bother to consult with me on... Sterling Archer,
Lana
anything!
And for your information, this stupid break wasn't my idea, it was yours!
Lana
Because you, prolapsed rectum that you are, are infatuated with Veronica Deane, whose cobwebby old snooch, by the way... [looking at Archer's crotch] I can smell from here!
[chuckling] Well, it's not cobwebby anymore.
[Archer drinks directly from the champagne bottle he had been holding in front of his exposed privates. Lana attacks him]
Lana
What sort of daily expenses does a semi-private investigator incur?
Lana
Daily.
Or, I don't know, maybe a surf and turf dinner at the Polo Lounge?
Lana
Uh-huh?
And then maybe a room upstairs at the Beverly Hills hotel?
Lana
Uh-huh.
Lana
I'm gonna leave you here. Between hope and despair.
Get me out of here alive, and the ransom money and we'll call it even, =
Okay, you know what? [swerves] Laugh it up, laughers. Since you like jokes so goddamn much... [swerves and throws Dutch off his motorcycle] Hahahaha. Oh hey, did you hear the one about - [drives car over Dutch]
Lana
Archer, wait!
Or the one about - [drives car over Dutch again]
Lana
Archer!
Or here's one! Knock knock? [drives car over Dutch again]
Typical! Typical typical typical typical!
Lana
What could possibly have been typical about that?!
ME! I always do shit like this.
All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner Woodhouse, and the next thing I know I've disappeared up my own asshole, and I'm manumitting sex slaves and grossly abusing corpses and trying to source a finger for some weird psychosexual kidnapping, and then, to top off all the bullshit, getting chased by GODDAMN ROBOTS!! I mean, [beep] halberts, Jesus Christ!!
Archer · 497 quotes
