Lana Kane quotes from Archer

Lana

[To Malory] So as you can see, we are completely unprepared for this mission!

Archer

[Wearing night-vision goggles and holding a shovel] Unless it involves night-shoveling.

Archer

Frickin' ODIN.

Lana

How many are there?

Archer

About a gillion.

Lana

Dammit.

Archer

A gillion gay, little copy-cats.

Lana

What?

Archer

I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana. But I was the first to see it's potential as a tactical garment. The Tactical Turtleneck, Lana. The... Tactleneck!

Lana

We'll never catch him in this thing!

Archer

Maybe you should've thought about that before you blew the damn drop!

Lana

I blew jack shit!

Archer

Name dropper.

Archer

ODIN doesn't beat Sterling Archer! Only Sterling Archer beats... [He trails off as he realizes he's lost the target.]

Lana

Do you wanna finish that thought?

Archer

Do you wanna shut your big, fat, negative, wordsy mouth?!

Lana

No, as a matter of fact, I don't have Barry on speed-dial.

Cyril

Well, gee, that's rather surprising.

Lana

You know what's surprising? Kissing you goodbye at the airport, dozing off in first class, and then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee! That, to me, is rather surprising.

Cyril

And really expensive, turns out.

Lana

Telex. You got one in here?

Archer

Why? So you can smash that too?

Lana

No.

Archer

[Talking over Lana] Because I'm pretty sure I'm financially responsible for the furnishings!

Archer

Mother burned me?

Lana

Apparently.

Archer

Oh, my god, that's classic her.

Lana

You're both classic her.

Archer

Let's talk this out.

Lana

Talk what out?! How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN?! Or--ooh!--maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick!

Archer

Ex-boyfriend, I bet.

Lana

Oh, you think?!

Archer

Yeah, he's not coming back. That chick was, like, the Pelé of anal.

Lana

Okay, we've got the French chick, and Carol, and-- anybody else, Ram-bone?

Cyril

Uh, no...

Hi, Cyril. [laughing and coughing]

Cyril

Well...

Lana

Scatterbrain Jane?! Really?

Cyril

Well, see, she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Lana

Oh right, I forgot, your dick's full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.

Cyril

Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this.

Lana

Yuuup.

Lana

Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?

Archer

Well, obviously before; after was all gendarmes and dick stitches.

Lana

So as far as Archer is concerned, I feel like I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet.

Cheryl

Yeah, but Cyril was... oh wait, did he have some sort of character flaw?

Lana

Couple things...

Cheryl

Bring it!

Ray

Yeah, we are code blue here.

Pam

Hey. Yeah, blue! Like for baby boys.

Ray

No, I meant, like, for her face...

Cheryl

[To Lana] Choke me!

Pam

No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.

Ray

Oh my god yes! But your place is disgusting, so where could we have it?

Pam

Well, Archer's got that bangin' pad.

Lana

[letting up on Cheryl] He'll hate that. I wanna come.

Cheryl

Ohhhhh, I think I just did.

Lana

Pam! Get off Cyril!

Pam

[Coming out of the bathroom] I was trying to get him off, Buttinski!

You should'a called first... this is the only airboat for fi'ty miles, and it reserved.

Archer

What do you mean, "Reserved"?

Is that not self-explanatory?

Lana

[Offering a big stack of cash] Perhaps we can work something out.

Sure, if you take that money, buy you a time machine, go back in time, and be the first person to reserve that airboat.

Archer

WOOOHOOOOOOO!!! THIS MUST BE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!

Lana

HOW CAN AN AIR BOAT BE SELFISH?!

Archer

Burt Reynolds is my spirit guide!

Lana

Did you say "man crush"?

Archer

No, I'm pretty sure it was "shut up!"