Lana Kane quotes from Archer

Lana, I really like your new hairdo.

Lana

Well, if you like the collar, you're gonna love the cuffs...

Pam

Frickin' head's poundin', I'm sweatin' booze and my head's killin' me!

Cheryl

You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it.

Pam

Personal best!

Lana

Your mother must be SO proud.

Lana

[To Archer] What's up with your mother?

Archer

What comes after infuriated?

Cyril

So how about I take a look at it? I'm sure I could kill that pesky ol' worm.

Lana

How? You gonna disappoint it to death?

Rona

[with Lana's sniper scope] Oh my God, I can see my penthouse!

Lana

Well unless there's a sniper in it...

Rona

Well somebody's in it. Who the fuck's in my fucking penthouse?!

Ray

We are! We're complying!

You! Get your fricking hands up!

Cheryl

You're not my supervisor!

Pam

Shut up, we're gonna go to prison.

Cheryl

No we're not. Say the right stuff, and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.

Ray

I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.

Cheryl

Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.

Rona

These like Kung-Fu monks make this fifty foot tape, like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp.

Lana

Ah...

Rona

And you swallow over, like, three days and you start to, y'know, pass it. Then you just slowly, slowly pull it out of you over three more days...

Lana

Wait, what?!

Rona

It pulls all the toxins out of your body. And you just feel so clean.

Archer

[Eavesdropping] Oh yeah? While you're tangled in a half-mile of shit covered tape? ... Frickin' actresses.

Archer

Wow, what a pussy. I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.

Lana

Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick hole. Which, again, ick.

Archer

Well excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.

Archer

Don't you worry, Ruth... I'm gonna make them pay for it.

What are you--? Sterling, No! You're not well. What are you going to do?

Archer

Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war!

Lana

Dogs of war...

Archer

Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!

You don't know who you're messin' with, boyo. Do ya have any idea who our boss is?

Archer

[Placing shells in a sawed-off shotgun] Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board...

Archer

Name the douchebag who's in charge!

Vincent... Van Go-fuck-yourself.

Archer

Vincent Van Go-fuck-myself. Survey says! [Blows his kneecap off]

AAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!

Oh, Christ!

Lana

JESUS! Archer!

Archer

What, Lana!? I said it was a rampage!

Lana

Still, though!

Uurgh, you son of a whore!

Archer

Save it for the fast money round, paddy! [Moves on to second mobster] Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge!

Archer

[Imitating buzzer] Eh-Eh! Need an answer!

Archer

Hmm, cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Lemme see cock-flavored spit! [Blows the second mobster's kneecap off] That's two strikes!

Archer

One more and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank! [To Hondurans] I'm just gonna assume you guys don't actually know what goes on here. I hope that doesn't sound racist. [Moves on to the third mobster] Okay, kid...

Lana

He is a kid, Archer!

Archer

LANA! You're in the isolation booth! [To young mobster] Looking for the douchebag who's in charge!

Mikey Hannedy... if you say one word I'll cut your yellow heart right out!

Archer

[Makes buzzer noise again] Eh-Eh! [Shoots first mobster, killing him]

Oh, Christ!

Archer

Mikey, you gotta listen to me, buddy... I have breast cancer.

[Laughing] Breast cancer!?

Archer

What have I been doing?

Lana

Chain-smoking joints the size of tampons!

Archer

Ew!

Lana

Figure of speech.

Archer

Still, though.

Lana

Are you not rampaging? I thought you were rampaging.

Lana

[looking out the window of Cheryl's mansion] Is... that...

Cheryl

[rolling her eyes] Yesss...

Lana

The Roosevelt Mansion?!

Cheryl

It's a shitbox, they're weird.

Archer

How long do I need to keep them on?

Ray

Two minutes.

Lana

What?!

Archer

What happened to thirty seconds?!

Ray

Uh, your mother's budget priorities?!

Lana

Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.

Malory

Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open... are they?

Archer

Yes!

Ray

Why?!

Archer

Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!

Ray

Is it working?

Archer

Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!

Ray

I am gay.

Archer

Well, I'm not!

Ray

Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?

Lana

What the--?

Archer

What the hell is that?

Cheryl

Ugh, my stupid ocelot.

Archer

[leaves, excited] I've never seen an ocelot!

Malory

Uh, Cheryl, dear, I don't quite know how to put this, but--

Archer

[OC] Holy shit! You guys, look at its little spots!

Malory

How much are you--

Archer

Look at its tufted ears!

Malory

Worth?

Ray

Viola!

Malory

No! I am not sharing a room with you!

Ray

No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it has two queens.

Malory

Where's the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?

Ray

Hey! You know what?

Lana

Ray, this is fine, two of us will just have to double up...

Malory

Exactly, two of you.

Ray

Exsqueeze me?