Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Archer

I'm looking for a terrorist and an ocelot!

Archer

[Describing an Ocelot's paw-prints] They look just like a housecat's, but bigger and awesomer.

Archer

[to Babou the ocelot while handcuffed in a police car] They called you exotic. Which is just people talk for awesome. Which you are, which is why I am so happy I saved your life, buddy. [Babou growls and squeaks to him] Don't worry, probably just thousands of dollars in fines, maybe a little bit of jail time, hopefully just probation. [Babou leans forward and urinates on the car seat next to Archer. Archer speaks in a strained voice] Totally worth it. [Babou growls] No, Babou, that was all sarcasm. [more growls] YES, ALL OF IT, YOU FOX-EARED ASSHOLE!

Archer

[Climbing to the top of the moving train] This is going to be awe-- SHIIIIITT! [The wind causes Archer to lose his gun] AHHHH! The dust! It's like being shot in the eyes by a... glitter gun! [Puts on night vision goggles] There, that ought to do it. Okay, let's try this aga-- [Gets blinded by the lights of a passing train] AAARGHSHIIIITTTT! My retinas are seared like tuna steaks!!! ALL I WANT IS TO FIGHT ON TOP OF A TRAIN! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! [Switches off the night-vision on his goggles] The good news is, now I'm furious.

Archer

Paging Doctor Boy, Doctor Birthday Boy!

Archer

[Staring at his back-lit, in-car minibar] It's like looking into the face of God.

Archer

Black, powerful, sexy. Like if Ron O'Neal was a car.

Malory

That was for Pearl Harbor!

Archer

I have a question, mother. Why does this chair have no seat...and WHAT...IS IN HIS ASS?!

Malory

So once again you're left with the classic Irish man's dilemma, do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?

Archer

For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.

Archer

Can you close your eyes? It feels like I'm banging tail-lights on a country road.

Archer

Fuck you, space.

Archer

Happy, Cyril?! You just destroyed Alderaan!

Archer

Are you trying to get my mother into the Million-Mile-High Club?