Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Archer

But the real good news is that we saved the Pope's life!

For which we are grateful. However, we cannot tell these two apart, so...

Archer

So I actually have an idea about that.

Lana

Is it... take them both home, see which one's a better butler, and give the other one back to the Catholic Church?

Archer

Uhh, never mind.

Malory

Last night, an Air Force B-52 bomber crashed off the coast of Bermuda!

Archer

Well it's about frickin' time! [Beat] What, we're not bombing them in advance of an amphibious invasion?

Lana

Why would we invade Bermuda?

Archer

Oh... Bermuda, duh. I was thinking Bahamas.

Lana

Same question.

Archer

Same answer: Why not? It's how we got the Virgin Islands.

Cyril

Actually, the United States bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark.

Archer

Okay, Mr. Peabody...

Malory

Are you finished?

Archer

Yes?

Malory

Good. Because the B-52 was—

Archer

In the middle of the Bermuda Triangle! Is this about the Bermuda Triangle? Because that's my fourth biggest fear.

Malory

The B-52 is on the ocean floor here at a depth of 8,000 feet—

Archer

Or 1,333 fathoms.

Lana

How do you know that?

Archer

How do you not?

Malory

...So we're going to beat the Russians!

Archer

[Sarcastically claps] Give it up, everyone. Mike Eruzione!

Cecil

Hey, Tiffy. Could you, instead of antagonizing her, maybe go ahead and take off? [The chopper judders as it takes off] Love you! [To Archer, who's mixing a cocktail] We'll rendezvous with my research vessel in a few hours. So, in the meantime, I guess, continue to make such wildly liberal use of the bar.

Archer

Done!

I'll be waiting for you.

Lana

Was that... Did he sound like... Do you think this is some kind of a trap?

Archer

What? No, I don't think it's a trap! Although I never do. [Beat] And it very often is.

Pam

Yeah, they're shooting at you!

Archer

Who?

Cheryl

The storm ninjas!

Archer

What? That's not a thing, idiot! [beat] Oh. I stand corrected.

Archer

Archer Vice.

Lana

What?

Archer

Nothing. Shut up.

Lana

What's in Miami?

Malory

Besides 90% of all mosquitoes and Cubans on earth?

Archer

That sounds high.

Archer

[To Lana] But the point is we are highly trained covert operatives with an extremely dangerous set of skills. [To Pam] PAM! LEG! [Back to Lana] Since the government has unjustly accused us of treason. We are now forced to transfer those skills from espionage to criminal activity. Kind of like the A-Team but we sell drugs.

Lana

And you're OK with that?

Archer

Are you not? Lana, it's the A-Team meets Scarface! That makes me... ummm...

Lana

Hannibal Montana?

Lana

[to Archer] If anything goes wrong, I'm holding you responsible.

Archer

[sarcastically] Yeah, that'll teach me.

Malory

Amphetamines?!

Pam

Right? And I know it sounds crazy, but I like them as much as cocaine!

Krieger

[seeing the Yakuza at the door on a monitor] Hey, so, did somebody order Chinese?

Malory

They're Japanese, you idiot!

Krieger

[to his virtual girlfriend] Oh, for... I don't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swede! Either time that happened!

Malory

Well, what did he say?

Pam

Well, he's not happy, obviously, and he wants his drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not gonna be playing the violin any time soon.

Archer

Because?

Pam

Because a violin would probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved that guy in.

Ew!

Lana

But if all Moto wants is his drugs...

Malory

Then he can give us a refund.

Lana

Of worthless counterfeit money?

Cyril

It's not exactly worthless. The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar for it.

Malory

What?! Why didn't you say that?!

Cyril

Uh, I don't know. I assumed you knew.

Ron

Everybody knows that.

Cheryl

$1 million! Yes, real dollars. Duh, look at my house. I bet I got rugs worth a... Ugh! Fine, $2 million. Okay, $5 million. Fine, $10 million! $50 million! A jillion million! Jesus! Be more gross and Chinese-y!

Archer

Been waiting forever to use that.