Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Malory

[handing Ron a rifle] Here.

Ron

Noop.

Malory

What do you mean, "noop"? Take it!

Ron

Woman, I am not getting in a shootout with the goddamn Yakuza because you people decided to steal their drugs!

Malory

Well, I support you in your work! Not that you ever do any, but...

Ron

If you were honest with yourself, you would realize I have been incredibly supportive of you! Get arrested for treason, I stand by you; become a drug dealer, I stand by you. Oh-oh-oh! And you don't seem to mind driving around in a new Cadillac, do you?

Malory

A floor model.

Malory

[Dismissively] Metric. Who uses metric?

Lana

Every single country on the planet except for us, Liberia, and Burma.

Archer

Wow, really? 'Cause you never think of those other two as having their shit together.

Ron

Next time, remind me to get shot in the head.

Archer

Ron, next time, get shot in the head.

Lana

What are you eating?

Pam

Yogurt.

Malory

[snatching spoon] Give me that! Lick it.

Archer

Well, can't unhear that. [Takes lick from spoon] Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! Why have I never tried yogurt?

Lana

How have you never tried yogurt?

Archer

Mmm, I didn't know it was that good.

Malory

It's good because it's cocaine!

Archer

Oh, my God, and little kids eat it?

Cyril

How do you not know the different kinds of porn?

Archer

Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.

Lana

[Laughing] Yeah, bitch! That's how I— [Seeing Archer and Pam] Ohh, shit!

Archer

Even a goddamn baby knows, in craps you never bet on the hard way! [Pam slap Archer who sees the bus about to hit them] OHHHHHHHHHHHH—

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—

Pam

You mad?

Archer

Give you three guesses, Pam!

Pam

No...? No...? No!

Archer

Wrong, Pam!

Archer

It's time to gather some intel.

Ray

Intel? No, do not compare what we do now to intelligence work.

Archer

Don't worry, I won't. Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really compare to helping overthrow democratically elected governments. Like the U.S. did in Guatemala, Chile, Nicaragua, uh... oh, Iran! Because, spoiler alert, those didn't really work out so great! But that's OK, because I'm pinning my hopes for the future on the next big shipment of Stinger missiles to that ragtag bunch of mujaheddin heroes in Afghanistan!

Cyril

What do crocodiles eat?

Archer

EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!

Cyril

Why are you so afraid of crocodiles?

Archer

Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe, deep down, I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T Extinction.

Cyril

The...?

Archer

Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of coldblooded fury with a bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...

Ray

[Interrupts, breaking into song] Waiting for the Night!

Archer

Lana, in case you haven't noticed, this place is crawling with rebels.

Pam

And not the good kind you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach and cruise the strip in the bed of their Monster truck with a big rebel flag on it, flinging empty longnecks at people!

Lana

Yeah, those aren't actually the good kind either.

Pam

Now who's racist?!

Archer

Those guys, Pam. Those exact same guys you just described.

Lana

This is how you steal a painting. Did you never see The Thomas Crown Affair?

Archer

No. Not a huge Steve McQueen fan.

Lana

[Laughs] Oh, my God, are you... Archer, you used to moan about him in your sleep!

Archer

I... I... No, I didn't.

Lana

I just this second realised why you want to stay down here! Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.

Malory

Is that a reference I should get, or...

Lana

Seriously?

Malory

Well I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.

Lana

It's from... No, y'know what, never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine.

Cyril

Hey.

But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.

Pam

Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.

Lana

What?

Cyril

Hey.

Malory

Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.

Lana

It cannot possibly!

Archer

Where did you get that?!

Let's just say I honestly don't remember.

Archer

[To Caldarone] Did you ever think maybe your fleet of priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a rebellion?

I'm fighting the rebels because that is what we do. My Father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels.

So like a family business.

Archer

That manufactures oppression!

Well, and cocaine.

Archer

They should have sent a poet. Oh, and some meat. Do we have any meat?

[An elephant trumpets offscreen] Literally tons.

Archer

No, I didn't mean another animal. I meant like a steak.

Typical American! You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in nice plastic wrap.

Archer

Yeah, you're describing meat.

No, no, no. Meat is blood and bones and sinew.

Archer

Well, now you're describing not-meat.

Meat is whatever the tiger says is meat. Because God made him the boss and all the other animals his food.

Archer

[to tiger] Hang on, buddy. [To Caldarone] And thank you, George Bore-well, for that clunky analogy in defense of totalitarianism! But I'm not feeding Shane an elephant.