Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Lana

...then passing out on the bed, totally naked, for a... what'd you call it?

Archer

Power black out. And, you're welcome.

Lana

Yeah, thanks. The memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth during the coming nuclear winter!

Archer

Relax, it's North Korea. The nation-state equivalent of the short bus.

Archer

Go online and check your bank account.

Lana

Now? When I'm suction-cupped on a window thirty stories above the ground?

Archer

Yeah! You should have five bars.

Lana

Okay so, it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up? But— [hangs up]

Lana

Did you seriously climb all the way up here just to see what my bonus is?

Archer

No, I sarcastically climbed all the way up here to see what your bonus is! He said, sarcastically! Phone!

Lana

Okay. Jesus! Keep your voice... [checking phone] Whoa!

Archer

Sucks, right? That's not even... remotely fair! What the shit?!

Lana

Apparently, we're in a crazy parallel universe, where bonuses are based on merit instead of whether or not you crawled out of your— [drops phone] mother—!

[Having Lana and Archer hostage] Oh, we don't shoot you. After mission finish, we take you back to Glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

Archer

Oh. Then do go ahead and shoot us.

Lana

Archer!

Archer

What, Lana? It's none of those things! It's not Democratic, it's not a republic and definitely not glorious!

Lana

Oh my God. Okay... You're abandoning the mission to go home and pout?

Archer

I'm not going home... I'm going down there to kick some Kim Jong Ass!

Lana

Wha— no! We're doing surveillance!

Archer

Yeah, which is apparently French for just sitting around on your ass!

Lana

Yeah, which is why it's surprising that you're soooo shitty at it.

Cyril

Suppressing fiiiireeeee-extinquisherrrrr!

Archer

Is that...

Lana

Cyril?!

Cyril

Lana!

Lana

I'm coming, Cyril!

Archer

Lana, wait! Bet that's the first time you ever said that. Right? Huh? Okay now we can go.

Lana

[cocking a gun] Cyril, hit the deck!

Archer

Wait, why Cyril—

Lana

[Shooting North Korean spies] GET SOME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! GET SOME!

Archer

You're missing out on all the great things that Tangiers has to offer.

Lana

Name one.

Archer

Cheap...

Lana

[Interrupting] Apart from cheap hash and a repulsively low age of consent.

Archer

Rugs?

Cheryl

Ms. Archer, Lana for you, line one.

Malory

I'm not here.

Cheryl

[scared] Then how...

Malory

My God, a perfect score on the IFAAB merely indicates that a person is a candidate for field agent status! It can't determine if they're suited for actual field work. I mean, what if she had to subdue an agent?

Pam

Cue sad trombone, and... go.

Malory

Pam! What the hell did you... waagh! [Brief shot of Cyril thrown to ground and picked up and thrown again] My God!

Krieger

And it goes on like that for another 38 soul-cleaving minutes

Ray

Of which, you were there for 2.

Krieger

3! Hey, I was scared, I ran away; sue me! And sue me for this! Smoke bomb!

Pam

Plus I'm a quick learner, plus you've seen me drive I'm an amazing driver, plus I almost never get sick, plus I already bought three pantsuits, plus...

Malory

Alright! I'll think about it.

Pam

Is that a real "you'll think about it," or a "Pam, if your pig Leon wins a blue ribbon at the county fair, maybe we won't kill him and eat him for Easter dinner and render what's left into soap," "you'll think about it"?

Malory

It's...

Pam

Because I never really got over that.

Malory

It's a real one!

Pam

YAAAAYYYY!!!

Malory

But thank you for that glimpse into your bleak, farm-y childhood.

Pam

It was actually pretty awesome. And if I'm being honest, so was Leon.

Malory

...and then, give me the file I asked for!

Ray

Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?

Malory

What was that?

Ray

Nothing!

Malory

Good. Saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark.

Cheryl

Awwwww.

Archer

Put that down, Pam, he's not— [Pam drops the mirror right on the Pope] —dead! Nice job, Oliver Cromwell!

Pam

I killed the Pope!

Archer

Yeah, that's why I said Oliver—

Pam

[Jumps on top of the mirror that's still on the Pope, grabbing Archer by his shirt] JESUS CHRIST, I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M GOING TO HELL! I— [Archer slaps her four times]

Archer

Pam.

Pam

Yes?

Archer

Get off the Pope.

Archer

Lana! NOW!

Lana

He said, last-wordsingly.

Lana

Are you shitting me?!

Archer

What? It was either this or the Vespas. It's not my fault Italy's so gay!