Carl quotes from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Markula

Lordy Lordy! Look who's turning 4040! [pause] What? You don't RSVP?

Well, you just handed this to me.

All right, this ain't happening. I'll see you fruits later.

Master Shake

Wawaa... wawaa... wait, wait, my wingman! C'mon! One of them is a WOMAN.

You poke around and figure it out. I have standards!

Terry

Hold on there, tough guy. (Terry and Dante approach the pool with a dead body rolled up in a carpet)

Oh, hey! Terry... I thought we were conducting this, uh, "conference call" tomorrow morning?

Boss says he wants it done now.

Terry

Or he'll take your OTHER nut.

Hahaha! Listen to this guy, bustin' my balls. Balls. I got two... We gotta talk about this publicly!

You know, maybe you oughtta think about that the next time you bet 20G's for the Jets to cover.

Well, you told me the inside dope was that the other team had the flesh-eating virus...

Terry

You gettin' smart with me? (Holds a pistol in Carl's face) Huh? Smart guy!

Wanna trip down a flight of stairs, huh? Have an accident in your pathetic life?

Terry

You're pathetic. Say it.

I-I'm worth nothing in your eyes, sir.

Terry

I knew that. Now get your monster up here to take care of this trash.

Say, before you guys go, who do you like in the AC Beach Invitational?

AC Beach?

Women's billiards. You guys do book on that, right?

Terry

JESUS, you're a fuckin' loser! (Looks at Frylock suspended above pool) Hey, scuba guy - you ain't seen nothing, you aint heard nothing.

See, Fryman, let that be a lesson to you. If you see someone racketeering, you let it go - they're diggin' your own grave.

Frylock

Look, Carl, I know it's none of my business, but gambling is a dangerous addiction.

All I need is one run, and I'm back! You follow women's billiards? Wait, I got an idea. How much money you got?

Frylock

No, Carl.

It's a proven system!

Frylock

No.

You're throwing money away!

Frylock

Nuh-uh.

Yeah-uh! Fine! Stay a sucker!

What did you do to my pool?!

Frylock

We cleaned it. Now it's gonna be ready for the bitches we got comin over this summer.

Frylock!

Frylock

Sorry, I meant to say hoes.

There we go.

Frylock

Sorry.

Take your eye lasers, and cut their heads off!

Frylock

Carl, they have your number. They know where you live, and you still owe them money. Hell, they'll send someone else! That's why it's called a MOB!

Oh, yeah. Good point.

Hey! It's raining batteries!

Yeah! (throwing batteries) An alkaline front is pushing through. (continues to throw batteries) We're expecting a couple of inches of concussions on your head! Running out of batteries here. What are you doing?!

Your lawn. But I am out of gas so it's a little difficult. So where are you from?

Oh, we're not having a conversation.

Well I'm from Mos Eisley. Just like in the movie.

Yeah knock knock, who cares? I don't.

Hey, quick question: Can you help me blow up the moon?

No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. (Chuckles, turns around and moons Drew, unaware that he is transforming into a werewolf) Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! (Continues chuckling, but stops and finally notices Drew's transformation) Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO! (Drew leaps into Carl's window; blood is shown gushing out)

Your emergency brake is on!

Master Shake

Don't tell me how to drive, jackass!

Alright, we got a five dollar blind, ten dollar ante, jacks to open, trips to win. Who's in? Let me see your money, gentlemen.

(putting down bills, stuffed animals) I'm in!

(puts down $5) And I am in as well. (puts down same $5) And I will raise you...another $5.

I'm out.

I'm out.

I'm out.

Too rich for my blood.

And I ain't got no damn money!

(angrily) Hey, Seven! When you ain't got no damn money, that's when you leave the table.

But I like to watch.

You're lucky I ain't bring no pit boss over here. That stuff wouldn't fly at the Taj.

Alright Carl, check it out; Triangle, Bug, Firetruck.

Two pair!

Yeah? You like that?

Not bad with only three cards.

I ate two of them.

But, uh...that certainly don't beat two Goats, a Circle, a Star, and the letter J. Full house AND a pair! Hahaha, read 'em and weep, gentlemen!

[Taking his "winnings"] These bills feel, uh...small...and yellow...and this is a dead squirrel.

Maybe them bills shrunk.

But probably they just come from a board game. [holds up said board game] Foreclosure!

What the- I knew a chicken was never president! You owe me $1200, or I'm gonna send my cousin over here to break your hands. You got 48 hours.

Bye, Carl!

Thanks for the lesson!

Pick your nose clean while you got the chance, cause you'll be digging for gold with finger splints after Tuesday!

What?

Larry Miller

I think you recognize me.

No.

Larry Miller

You might've seen me in one of those Christopher Guest movies. "Best in Show?" "Waiting for Guffman?" "A Mighty Win?" No?

No!

Larry Miller

Alright, well I'm a stand-up comedian, I've been on Letterman, Leno, Conan. Dozens of times, really everyone.

Mmmmh.

Larry Miller

How about the...uh... "The Nutty Professor" movies? That may be more of your speed. The Klumps?

Oh, yeah! The one where Martin Lawrence, uh, Martin dresses like an old woman, you know, but he's a cop! He's not an old woman, he's a cop! [hours later] His partner gets shot, you know, and then they rip his mask off, and then like "You're...you're not an old woman, right? You're Martin!" "Big Nanny" or big... "Big Granny" or something. "Big Granny 2", maybe there was a sequel. So, were you in that?

Larry Miller

No, but very close.

You were the judge of the gymnastics contest! I know that!

Larry Miller

No.

Nah, no, that guy was black.

Larry Miller

Well, close enough. "Pretty Woman?" "Boston Legal?" "10 Things I Hate About You?" Doing anything for you?

You sell hair?

Larry Miller

You know what? I admire a man like you because yes, let's cut to the chase. I am the celebrity spokesman for a line of artificial hair. And I also occasionally sell hair, myself, on the weekend because I have... [Larry laughs] a gambling problem that's all-consuming.

Want a beer?

Larry Miller

No thank you.

How 'bout some lo mein noodles? Come on in.

Larry Miller

Lo mein, no.

I was just about to toss these. [Carl sniffs] They reek.

Larry Miller

Yes, clearly. Well, the point is you qualify for a free 7-day trial for the Larry Miller Hair System for men.

Dude, if it's so great, then how come you ain't got it?

Larry Miller

We only have one and God told us to bring it to you!

Free hair, made out of painted and corrugated sheet metal. Come on, what's the catch?

Larry Miller

If I didn't fully believe in this product, why else did you think I spend my weekends selling and installing the Larry Miller hair system for men?

Well, cuz you said you got a bad gambling problem.

Larry Miller

I know I do. I know I have that problem, and that's half the battle admitting it. It... it's like I've just become someone else for weeks. It takes control. And you know what? I'm not ashamed to say it. Well, I'm a little ashamed. Alright, I'm mortified, but the point is I believe in this product and my ability to make money off of it. Try one on!

I thought you had one?

Larry Miller

Well, now we have many.

Oh, it's really slick.

Larry Miller

It's lanolin, from someone else's skin. Someone who returned it.

They're lost [Carl laughs].

Larry Miller

Here, step into this simulator.

Uh, I don't see any, uh...

Larry Miller

This van!

What is that? Like an impact drill?

Larry Miller

Don't focus on that! Focus on this.

Larry Miller

Hey guy, don't worry about it, [Starts up a giant motor drill] let's install the system.

Whoa, whoa, with a drill? No way dude!

Larry Miller

...Yes

No

Larry Miller

Okay, look, we're close to AC Beach aren't we? God, I can smell the cards. I don't give a damn about this at all! [Runs out of the van] I need to gamble!

Angel

Ask Carl if there's anything you can do for him.

Master Shake

Carl, is there anything I could possibly do for you?

Go down to the mall and buy me a half-dozen black graphic tees. The one with the wings and the barbed wire and they say "Choke Out!"

Master Shake

Are you serious?

Angel

Ask him what size.

Aw, these are knock-offs! Read this back to me! What does it say?

Master Shake

"Surf's Up"

"Surf's Up"! What did I tell you?! I told you I wanted the real ones that say "Choke Out!"

Angel

Where have I heard that one before? Maybe coming out of my own mouth when we were at the mall looking at the shirts?

Master Shake

"Surf's Up" were cheaper. I'm on a fixed budget here, man.

Angel

Well I guess we're going back to the mall.

You go back to the mall! [Cut to Carl wearing a similar tee, but it says "Choke Out"] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Yeah!

Angel

Thank him.

Master Shake

For what?! I did that for him! [is burned by the angel then reappears] Aah! Aah! aah!

Angel

I can do this all day.

Master Shake

Yes. Yes, of course. Thank you, Carl, for being there while I replenished your wardrobe with my dangerously overextended credit cards.