Carl quotes from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Master Shake

Carl! Well, well, well … look who's off to the slammer!

I bailed you out, dumbass.

Master Shake

Oh, well good, I'm drivin', let's go.

I'm drivin'

Master Shake

No, you have no control of your bladder!

Look, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that you tried to walk in front of me when I clearly had the right of way!

Hey, Carl, you know, that's not really the spirit of this.

All right, all right, all right, look...reset. I am very glad that the forensics could not match the paint on your face to the paint on my fender, but I am sorry that you had to pay the ultimate price for not lookin' both ways! I did not wave you on, I was flippin' you off!

[annoyed] Carl …

OK … all right. I'm sorry, you're dead.

You're in the red zone now, buddy, you gotta close the deal.

Well, me answering questions to a bunch of cops wasn't never gonna bring you back--

Be a champ. Go all the way.

--OK, I'M SORRY I HIT YOU, ALL RIGHT?!? And that's as sorry as I'm ever gonna be. You were old. I could tell!

OK guys, look, I'm sorry that I made an ass load of money sellin' these in the parking lot of your show. They ain't supposed to say "Chicano" it was them dumbass immigrants I had working for me. Anyways, I want you to have this [points to a box full of jerseys] 20% off on these.

Hey Carl, you're off sides buddy.

OK look, here's the money I made on it [Holds up a can full of change].

… $40 in change?

Dammit, you know everything. All right look, I'll um, I'll make out a check to uh … how 'bout I make it out to "Chicago?" [The band is silent] All right friggin' cash! Fine! [Carl leaves].

Who was that?

I don't know, but check it out: $43 in change. All right!

I don't recognize this place.

Carl, huddle up. This is Linda Hamilton's house. She is destined to play Sarah Connor in The Terminator. And Sarah Connor will give birth to John, and he will lead the resistance to the rise against the machines.

Well, I mean she's already been in that movie.

Well, I've been sent by the machines to get you to kill Linda Hamilton.

What're you talking about man? She's an actress.

C'mon Carl. Ya gotta do it brother. Ya gotta go all the way. Do it for Tuna, do it for L.T. C'mon man, this is our house. This is Linda's house. We gotta run a trap and you gotta lay a big hurt on Linda.

"Lay a big hurt on"- listen to yourself. She's an actress! It was a movie! This is friggin' stupid!

"Stupid?" Are you kidding me? Listen man, when I had my knee surgery the computers replaced all my parts with metal machinery [Bart removes his skin to reveal a metally trashy inside] Wanna see?

Looks like they did it on a budget. I don't see any computers in there.

What?

Lotta cans here.

Oh man, the computers lied to me.

Ah, ya think?

Oh no! My whole life is a sham! [Linda Hamilton's alarm system goes off]

[The eyes of two large Terminator heads on the fence of Linda Hamilton's mansion glow red] Intruders!

All right drama queen, lets get outta here before Linda wakes up.

Master Shake

Whoa, what the hell is that?

Frylock

It's a BB. It was lodged in his frontal lobe. But how did he get a BB in his brain?

Milkshake, we're in the goal line offense, baby. You gotta score. You're a champ, buddy. Go all the way.

(screams)

[pause] Shoot I dunno, I need to figure out how to shove a daiquiri up my butt.

You grillin'?

Master Shake

No, I'm curing cancer. Yes, we're grillin'.

[looks at the Char-Nobyl 6000 emiting its flavor beam into the sky] Wow! Damn. Putting out some BTUs. [looks up at the clouds] I think those... Are those clouds on fire? [the clouds are on fire]

Master Shake

Oh, you noticed that. Uh, don't worry, sir. It's just the flavor beam doing its zesty magic.

[Carl's body hair ignites] You smell burning hair?

What is this dissension in the ranks? Someone refuses to blow.

[grabs crotch] Oh no, I got somethin' you can blow all right.

Frylock

Carl, no.

WELL, WHY IS HE THE KING?!

Master Shake

[shoves Carl aside] Uh...because he is the smartest and best...looking, and his wisdom lead us to this great utopia, isn't that right, handsome master?

Yeessss, that is correct. Mucus minions, congest him, at once!

Frylock

No, Meatwad. Please.

[Two mucus men surround him] Ah, that takes two of ya. Let's go.

Carl! What's up?!

Nothin. Why you call me, here?

I made you a shirt, man.

Oh wow, how thoughtful. You know what? I made you a shirt, too, but see without the 'r' part. Get it? I made you a 'SHIRT'! Hahaha. Come get it before it sinks! [flushes the toilet] I had a lot of meat last night! Hahaha.

[to Shake and Frylock] Ya'll, Carl's crazy!

Ezekial

Daddy?

Next door, jackass. [slams door]

Ezekial

Daddy!

Master Shake

No, no! You're, uh... you're probably thinking the guy next door. Big, fat guy; you take care.

That's right, get lost!

Shake! Shake! Wake up! What are you doin'?

Master Shake

[weakly] My son...he doesn't listen.

[angrily] Look, whatever. Get outta my car! It's freakin' three bucks a gallon--how long have you been running this engine?! What, you think I should pay for this?!?

Master Shake

No...

Yeah, that's right! You're dead, you don't have to worry about it! Meanwhile, your bowels are leakin' all over the dash, stainin' my shag carpet. That's freakin' authentic red pleather, that ain't cheap.

Master Shake

Yeah...

Smells like friggin exhaust in...here. You know why I had car wash people put cocoa butter smell in there?! Because I want prostitutes to feel welcome! I don't want them to feel like it's a death trap!

Master Shake

I'm sorry, Carl. It appears I failed you as well.

Look, I'm sorry. I should not have unloaded on you like that. [puts a steak knife in Master Shake's hand, casual] Here's a steak knife. Go kill yourself on your lawn.

Hey Shake, what you doin'?

Master Shake

I want my son to feel guilty for what he's doing to me. Bring him outside so he can watch me slit my own throat.

He's inside, slaying the Chess Dragon. No one beats the Chess Dragon not even me, and I'm retarded.

Someone climbs the tower!

You know what you must do, beastman!

Yes, master.

Hey!

[Offscreen] Get off the tower!

Frylock

No!

Uh... He won't come down.

Oh, here we go. This is the first part of our patented three step treatment. [Garbage juice from a dumpster is poured on Carl's car]

Ya that kinda looks like you're just sorta slingin' dirt on it.

Well that-what that actually is is dumpster juice, which is sort of a combination of rain water and garbage; very acidic. Very harsh on the paint job.

And uh, why are we doing this again?

It's just a precoat. I mean, obviously we need to prep the outer coat for, you know, the cat urine. [Cats are lowered and shaken and their urine spreads on Carl's car] And of course the hammers. [A rotating hammer device is lowered, destroying Carl's car]

What the hell are you doin'!?

Look Carl, lets just lay back down and relax okay [Meatwad puts on a gas mask and gas blows in through a vent]

Whadda? Whadda?

Lets allow the mystery gas to do its work. [Carl sighs as he is drugged] And don't worry, we totally redo the paint [Two cans of green and yellow spray paint are lowered and start spraying Carl's car] in a color of our own choosing.

Ehh, whatever. I'm easy.

Hello, Carl. I too, am Carl. And this is my son, Carl Jr.

(vague jabbering)

We are all Carl.

...neat.

Yes. Yes. Remove his brain!

Frylock

Where's Carl's brain?

I am Carl Brain.

Carl...

Frylock

No, Carl's brain.

I am Carl Brain.

Carl...

Frylock

No no no no no, different-different Carl, okay!?

...I am Carl Brain.

Frylock

My friend Carl! His brain!

Carl...

Behind you.

Master Shake

Is that Carl's brain? Over there, on the expressway?

Beware, for it will immediately seize you upon my command, and your mind will be enslaved to forever...polish the chrome at this wash...Car Wash.

Frylock

...This is retarded.

Oh! He called you retarded daddy!

Stop him! At once! (pause) From calling me retarded!

Too late, he got away with it.

WE live here now!

Yay!

Who are you?

Well I'm thee uh...I'm thee, real-a-tor... and I gotta say, I'm puttin' my foot down. I need proof of uh... you know-you gotta job, man?

I have no credit, no savings, and I'm between opportunities.

But I must warn you, he is lazy...

...Extremely lazy

Markula

Carl, have you seen the deadbeats around? You know, "the food".

No, they left in the middle of the night.

Markula

That's because I had demons drag them off into the night. I'm not going to fix a gas leak for them. At this very moment they are being cocooned by military spiders in a cave in the Mojave Desert. That's what I do to a-holes. But not you [the robots]. I would never do that to you. You're free to stay here forever and ever. [Transforms into a bat] Now, feast! [leaves]

Feast on what, man?

Oh, boy! Invisible robot meat! My favorite.

Look, kids! Invisible robot meat!

Robot meat! Robot meat! Robot meat!

...All right, if you need anything [holds a flame to the gas leak setting the house on fire] do not-do not come next door.