“Bart Oates” quotes from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Hey Fryman. I got this post-it-note that was left on the curb for me. "Thanks for car. M.S."

Frylock

Oh man.

Yeah.

Frylock

Ah I'm sure it'll be back.

Ya think? That'd be so thoughtful.

Frylock

(Yawn) Hello?

Hello.

Frylock

Hello?

Hello.

Frylock

Hello?

... Hello.

Frylock

Hellloo?

Hellloo.

Frylock

I'm here!

Oh, O.K. Ahh, hey man... How's it going?

Frylock

Do you know what time it is?

Do you? Because it's, it's 4.20 somewhere! I know that!... Ain't that the phrase?

Frylock

Are you drunk?

Mmmmhmmmm

Master Shake

Gimmie that phone! Look, before I start speaking don't even think about getting angry, because if you do, I swear, I will hang up on you!

Frylock

Shake what is it? What's wrong?

Master Shake

O.K. Your jumping in already, O.K. We, we got into a little bit of trouble.

Tell him nothing's wrong.

Master Shake

But let me preface by saying, we were framed.

Frylock

What?

Master Shake

We were just the guys that happened to be there!

We were framed!

Master Shake

It was a total set up!

Frylock

Allright, What was a set up?

Master Shake

Wow, now why would I talk to somebody who speaks to me in that tone?

Frylock

Will you just tell me what it is you did wrong?

Master Shake

Oh what? You think do er... everything right?

Frylock

O.K. I see what's happened here. You got another D.U.I didn't you?

Hang up on his ass.

Frylock

I'm gonna have to bus down there! O.K?

Master Shake

I'm gonna have to take the bus from now on permanently, according to what some guy told me. And I ain't riding that cheese box. It's a major deterrent, for the women!

Women will not kiss you on the bus.

Frylock

O.K. Look, it's gonna take me a while.

Hang up on his ass.

Don't worry about this rip. I just uh accidentally ripped it pulling it out of the box.

Frylock

Are the "Gnats" a team?

Nah. "Gnats"? What da freak- it's supposed to be the Giants! I friggin' told them immigrants! No wonder, they cut me a deal. What a deal! They probably don't even have giants in their country; they're so freakin' tiny. Look at this crap. Half of them dissolved in the box.

Frylock

Well, you know what they say "you get what you pay for."

I tell ya what: how 'bout I take 20% off.

Frylock

How 'bout no.

Aw c'mon man, I seen you flyin' around so fast. People won't even notice, right? High-five football fan.

Frylock

I really don't like sports Carl.

… Oh yeah? Well, you're a fag!

[Bart holds up one of Carl's jerseys] The "Gnats"?? What is this Carl?

Oh, that? It's just, uh, it's a tribute! To your majesty.

Carl, by doing this you're taking food out of NFL player's mouths!

I'm sorry, Bart … but, dude! I followed your whole Pro Bowl season back in '90. You had a sack prevented index, it's like 0.9! It's ridiculous! Your blocking ratio is like 4-to-1. You were playing out of your mind that season! [in a disgusted tone] And then 1994, you frickin' signed with the 'Niners. [sadly] You broke my frickin' heart, Bart. [angrily] You pancaked it!

I was there when you destroyed my poster, and you said, "I hope he gets injured."

Enjoy San Francisco, pansy! [Carl rips his Bart Oates poster in half] [angrily] I hope you tear your ACL, jackass!!

I said that?

Three years later, I had knee surgery, and I had to retire, Carl.

So, I, I made you, like, have knee surgery by saying that?

In a way, yes, you did.

That's awesome. [pause] I mean, I'm sorry in retrospect, but that's so awesome I was able to do that! I hate the 'Niners!

Hey, my man over here. He wants a daiquiri now. He says I got ta smuggle one back in...up my butt hole.

Master Shake

Oh … the fresh or the mix?

Fresh.

Master Shake

Oh God, that would be so cold.

Frylock

Hey Carl. What's up?

Oh crap. Hide.

Frylock

Hide? From what?

From uh …

Just play it off as a joke.

...From uh, you know … black people've been runnin' around here.

… That's not really a joke Carl.

Oh c'mon man, I'm tryin'.

Frylock

OK, Carl, I felt really bad about your car, so I brought you some fresh parsley and oregano from my herb garden.

Oh, great. Weeds. This will help me get to the strip club.

Where's my frickin' car?!?

Frylock

Well, it's kinda been impounded.

What?!? [Carl grabs Frylock and starts drowning him in his pool] You tell me right now, Fry Man, where my frickin' car is, or I'm going to rip that paper box head of yours in half!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy Carl. You don't want a penalty for roughing the neighbor. I mean, that's fifteen yards and that hurts the team.

Frylock

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, Carl!

It's okay, I'm not mad. OK? [angrily, but showing restraint] So, uh, where's my f-ing car, please, sir?!

Master Shake

Carl! Well, well, well … look who's off to the slammer!

I bailed you out, dumbass.

Master Shake

Oh, well good, I'm drivin', let's go.

I'm drivin'

Master Shake

No, you have no control of your bladder!

Look, I am so sorry. I'm sorry that you tried to walk in front of me when I clearly had the right of way!

Hey, Carl, you know, that's not really the spirit of this.

All right, all right, all right, look...reset. I am very glad that the forensics could not match the paint on your face to the paint on my fender, but I am sorry that you had to pay the ultimate price for not lookin' both ways! I did not wave you on, I was flippin' you off!

[annoyed] Carl …

OK … all right. I'm sorry, you're dead.

You're in the red zone now, buddy, you gotta close the deal.

Well, me answering questions to a bunch of cops wasn't never gonna bring you back--

Be a champ. Go all the way.

--OK, I'M SORRY I HIT YOU, ALL RIGHT?!? And that's as sorry as I'm ever gonna be. You were old. I could tell!

OK guys, look, I'm sorry that I made an ass load of money sellin' these in the parking lot of your show. They ain't supposed to say "Chicano" it was them dumbass immigrants I had working for me. Anyways, I want you to have this [points to a box full of jerseys] 20% off on these.

Hey Carl, you're off sides buddy.

OK look, here's the money I made on it [Holds up a can full of change].

… $40 in change?

Dammit, you know everything. All right look, I'll um, I'll make out a check to uh … how 'bout I make it out to "Chicago?" [The band is silent] All right friggin' cash! Fine! [Carl leaves].

Who was that?

I don't know, but check it out: $43 in change. All right!

I don't recognize this place.

Carl, huddle up. This is Linda Hamilton's house. She is destined to play Sarah Connor in The Terminator. And Sarah Connor will give birth to John, and he will lead the resistance to the rise against the machines.

Well, I mean she's already been in that movie.

Well, I've been sent by the machines to get you to kill Linda Hamilton.

What're you talking about man? She's an actress.

C'mon Carl. Ya gotta do it brother. Ya gotta go all the way. Do it for Tuna, do it for L.T. C'mon man, this is our house. This is Linda's house. We gotta run a trap and you gotta lay a big hurt on Linda.

"Lay a big hurt on"- listen to yourself. She's an actress! It was a movie! This is friggin' stupid!

"Stupid?" Are you kidding me? Listen man, when I had my knee surgery the computers replaced all my parts with metal machinery [Bart removes his skin to reveal a metally trashy inside] Wanna see?

Looks like they did it on a budget. I don't see any computers in there.

What?

Lotta cans here.

Oh man, the computers lied to me.

Ah, ya think?

Oh no! My whole life is a sham! [Linda Hamilton's alarm system goes off]

[The eyes of two large Terminator heads on the fence of Linda Hamilton's mansion glow red] Intruders!

All right drama queen, lets get outta here before Linda wakes up.

Master Shake

Whoa, what the hell is that?

Frylock

It's a BB. It was lodged in his frontal lobe. But how did he get a BB in his brain?

Milkshake, we're in the goal line offense, baby. You gotta score. You're a champ, buddy. Go all the way.

(screams)

[pause] Shoot I dunno, I need to figure out how to shove a daiquiri up my butt.