Master Shake quotes from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Frylock

Oh my God! That is no ordinary sandwich, Shake.

Master Shake

Oh my God, oh my- do you ever have anything good to say? It's a free sandwich.

Frylock

It's not a sandwich at all, Shake. IT'S THE BROODWICH.

The blue witch?

Frylock

No, the Broodwich Meatwad, Broodwich.

Wait... wait, say what?

Frylock

BROODWICH!

The Blair Witch is here?!

Frylock

No Meatwad, the Brood-WICH!

Master Shake

I'll tell you what it is, friends: It's SHUT UP and lemme EAT it!

Frylock

[explaining how he's heard of the Broodwich] I read a very disturbing article about this sandwich in...the Bible.

No, you probably saw our piece in Vogue?

Frylock

I doubt it, I don't read that...

Heidi Klum was on the cover. You know, the Broodwich issue.

Frylock

Okay, yes. It was Vogue.

Master Shake

You read all this in 'Vogue'!?

Our PR department is awesome.

Master Shake

That's a 'girl' magazine! I hope you were at the dentist, Frylock!

Frylock

[embarrassed] I... It just comes to the house.

Master Shake

Of course it comes, WHEN YOU 'ORDER' IT, YOU BIG, FAT, 'LADY'!

Heh heh! Someone down there's a girl!

It is the Broodwich. Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half-acre. Baked by Beelzebub. Slathered with mayonnaise from the evil eggs of dark chicken forces beaten into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman. Cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow. Layered with 666 separate meats from an animal, which has maggots for BLOOD!

Frylock

See? Told ya.

Master Shake

[pause] I tasted mustard.

...Yeah, Dijon mustard.

Master Shake

How come no bacon?

Bacon is extra!

Master Shake

You call this a sandwich and you don't even have bacon on it!

There are no swine evil enough to be sacrificed upon a bed of evil! ...And lettuce. Bed of evil and lettuce!

Shake

I haven't paid taxes in six years.. I am not gettin' busted by a sandwich!

Then you must find another with an appetite for insanity.

Shake

Hey. You're dumb. Eat this.

I heard what that boy said; I ain't eating jack.

Shake

You're gonna let this guy scare you? How bad could it possibly be?

It's a world of skinless, blood-soaked nightmares clattering from the deep and clattering for the meat of the guilty.

Shake

Oh, come on. The guy's just jealous. Go on. Woof it down, dog.

Well I don't know, I mean, is the mayonnaise fat-free?

Shake

You're a dog.

'Cause, you know, it's not the calories that get you, man. It's the saturated fats.

Shake

[stuffs Meatwad's mouth with the Broodwich] Woof it, you mutt.

Frylock

Meatwad, no!

Shake

Hey, did you hear what I called him? He can't do jack about it. [Meatwad reappears from Hell] Hey! How'd ya like Mr. Sticks?! He was a real treat, wasn't he?

Yeah... Jerry said you guys had a little run-in, but he's a decent guy, I mean, once you get to know him.

Shake

Bull crap! I know that guy was all over you with his axe!

Nah, that don't sound like Jerry. Now, the Jerry I know took me to Merry Christmas... which is a strip club... Merry Triple X-mas.. You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying!?

Shake

Gimme that sandwich!!

Frylock

Wow, so you're saying it was fun?

Hell no! That sumbitch had an axe!

So, I don't know, she's like, "move your skulls to the basement, because I got these 'drapes'..." I don't even get that, I’m like, "Honey, this is 'work'."

Are you serious?

I can’t put ‘em in the fucking basement, I mean, and she’s like, you know, “Can you put a tarp over them, also?” And I just felt like...NO! I’m not... god damn it!

I got one at home just like it. And I got a kid now, and so...

That’s a whole other set of bullshit, I’m sure.

So, Cathy puts the co-sleeper right next to my preserved brain collection, and she wants me to move them cause she thinks it's not hygienic.

I don't understand how there's a lack of appreciation for that... backlight coming through the glass of the jars that the brains are in. I mean, it just looks cool.

You've seen that?

Why move it? That's the point of putting it next to the window.

Right.

And I’m sure you've explained that to Cathy, but she obviously doesn't get that.

Yeah. Yeah, there's no... yeah, I can’t even argue with her.

Ugh, it's fuckin' ridiculous.

If I want to move the bed... (sees Shake) Hey. Hey, isn't that that guy?

Master Shake

And what's with the toilet seat, right?

—Oh what the fuck!?!

Master Shake

Jerry, no! We're cool! We're cool, man!

Shake

Oh, sweetness.

Frylock

Hey, Shake, whatcha got there?

Shake

No, do not get near this.

Frylock

Well, what is it?

Shake

Just the fruits of victory. I wouldn't expect you to know anything about it, being a loser.

Frylock

The shake 'em up finals?

Shake

Yeah, I won 'Participant'

Frylock

Shake, don't tell me you used the Danger Cart in some demolition derby.

Shake

Hell no, I got my own wheels.

Hey, open up, or I'm opening it for you.

Shake

[Leaving] Well, you know the drill.

Frylock

Drill? No, I don't. [Opens the door] Hey.. Carl.. how you doin' man?

Take a look at that.

Frylock

Ooo. Hey, Carl. This is pretty boss man. Where'd you get those graphics done?

Thank you, I didn't frickin' do it.

Frylock

Well, then why are you showin' it to me?

Someone stole it, raced it, and brought it back!

Frylock

Oh, well, I mean, you did call the police, right?

Heh, heh, yeah, good one. Oh, I never thought of that. No they, they stopped takin' my calls like, long ago.

Frylock

Well, uh, we're kinda not...detectives anymore. I mean, that wasn't making us a whole lotta money.

Go to Mach 1, engage warp speed. I'm late for work. [makes engine noises]

Frylock

Shake, I'm a little worried about Meatwad. I think he's losing his mind.

Shake

Watch this. I think he's losing his license.

(hears sirens) Aw, shoot! The bronze 5-0.

Shake

(calmly) Is there, uh...is there an emergency or something?

(nervously) Well, yeah, I mean-

Shake

Somebody having a baby?

Y'know, I need to get to work and uh-

Shake

What's going on here?

Hey, I'm a wild man. I can't drive 55.

Shake

[taps axle with baton] No wheels here, either...and you passed an inspection like that?

Mmhm. Yessir.

Shake

I see you ran through a couple of lights. And I'm thinking...surely this little lady wouldn't do that in her own town? Where ya from?

Now, they was yellow when I went through them-

Shake

(unimpressed) Uh-huh. They were red...like your ass is gonna be, when I get through with you. Alright, step out of the car, please. Have you had anything to drink tonight, ma'am?

Oh, hell yeah. Can I mix you something, or-

Shake

Alright. I want you to walk in a straight line to that manhole and when you fall down in there, I want to hear the alphabet backwards.

Okay. (rolls off)

Shake

(throws off hat and baton) Sucker! He-hey! (gets in Hotwad, makes engine noises)

Did you see that?! He stole my car!

Frylock

Yeah. Did you get the plate number?

Good idea! (leaves)

Shake

(in background) Hey, what are you looking at?! Hey, it's not Sunday, lady! Let's go!!!

(to Frylock) What's that letter that does this? (gestures) With the thing? There's two of them.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, what was that noise?! Uh, where is my white hatchback?!

Shake

[Playing dumb] 'Scuse me?

And why are there skid marks there?!

Shake

Uh, I just got through mowing the lawn...if that's a crime.

I friggin' RENTED THIS THING THIS MORNING!!

Shake

Yeah, we know how you did it. Congratulations. The bank gave you a credit card. It doesn't make you better than me! But you see, nobody gives me credit, because I'm a bad risk and I don't pay my bills on time. So I have to work for what I have.

Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...

Shake

What? Class? Style? I don't think so. Thank God I got a hip transplant. Now why don't you go back into your house and shut up?

Why'd he do that?

Shake

Why wouldn't he?

Master Shake

I gotta tell you, a little of that guy goes a long way.

Frylock

You know, that's just so weird. I can't believe that he's the all-knowing being of the universe.

Master Shake

Yeah, all-being. He's doing the 10-pound ball joke all wrong.

Wisdom Cube

[On the phone] Is this the golf course? It is? Do you have 10-pound balls? No? Then, how do you walk?! How do you walk with a...regular? Well... [Raspberries]

Master Shake

I mean, that doesn't make sense any way you hear it.

Frylock

Well, not to mention I unplugged the phone three hours ago.

Shake

(calling Carl) Hey buddy, how's it going? You know, I just happened to check the pH levels of your pool and they are incredibly high! Not good. Fix it or I'm getting a lawyer. Okay, bye!

Frylock

Did you ask him?

What'd he say?

Shake

Yeah, it's cool. We're all good.

Hell yeah!

He-he-heeeey, buddy!.

Shake

You were home the whole time?

Well, he don't ever leave the house, he's one of them, um, shutoffs. Sh-shutout. Wait, what the hell is it called?

Shake

It's a shut up.

Yeah, it's a shut up.

Shake

I never thought you'd screen with me, Carl.

(insincerely) Oh, I was just lightin' the grill, waiting for you guys to come over! Have a little barbeque, little beer...you know I love you guys.

Frylock

Carl, you alright? You're acting strange.

No, I'm nooot! Come on!

Frylock

Yes, you are!

Hey, race over here! Last one in is a rotten egg!

Shake's a rotten egg!

Frylock

Whoa.

Oh, that feels hot.

Aw, come on, why'd you stop?! Keep coming, ya so close.

Hell yeah, well come on!

Frylock

No, Meatwad, don't.

Wait for it.

Good, it works. Now, you try doing that with your body now.

...okay!

Frylock

No, Meatwad, stop!

Shake

(waving sunglasses around) Carl, top shelf. Not the high-end model, but it works for you and, y'know, your income bracket, but don't worry, I'm not going to tell anybody how cheap you are.

Yeah, come closer there, Shakeman. You won't tell anybody anything. Ever again.

[at Carl] Dude, you wanna move your thing? You almost killed us!

Yeah, are you, like, begging me instead to, like, mess up your pizza face in front of your girlfriend over there [points at Frylock], 'cause I'll do it, man!

[holding D.P. back] Dude, dude, it's not worth it!

No, man, look at my ship!!! [points to his wrecked spaceship] My dad is gonna be pissed!

[to Carl] Do you know who his dad is?! He is totally rich...he will totally hook you up.....dude....we're drunk!

These friends of yours, Fryman?

Hey, where's the club? I need to piss.

They came from space, you know...typically, that means you're somehow connected.

Frylock

Carl, I've never seen them before in my life.

So, you don't mind if I talk to her? [points to Frylock]

Her??! Ha-ha, yeah, knock yourself out. She's a regular ho-bag.

[to Frylock] 'Sup, little lady?

Dude, she's got a bit of a 'stache.

It's all right, she's good to go [gives Skeeter a fistbump]. So...my dad's totally rich, we own this dealership, and, uh, what sorority are you in?

Frylock

'Scuse me?! I think you have me confused with a woman.

Ohhh, she burned you, dude!

Oh, so you couldn't get in to a sorority?

Frylock

I'm a man, all right?!

This is beat. Total sausage party. Uhh...I think. C'mon D.P., let's get out of here.

Well, what else is open besides, your mouth, when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his, like, muscles cause his arms are just like, wrapped around you and you feel like so safe, cause you're like, not that you're gay or nothing, but god you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever.

Frylock

...I'm outta here.

D to the P, let's go, I got the munchies.

Hang on, hang on...[starts talking to Shake] what's your name, babe?

Master Shake

I'm Shake.

Ah, you wanna take me to your dorm room for a drink or somethin'?

Master Shake

No, but I believe this little lady needs to have a life experience.

Come here...

What you doin'?! Don't kiss me!

What? It's cool, I got a rubber. What?!

You stay outside. You scarin' me.

Master Shake

Somebody's a little bi-curious!

I ain't no bi-curious. I'm a man's man!

Master Shake

Not anymore! I've planted the seed of doubt!

You don't say that! I'm a man, and you...if you need me, I'm gonna be in the garage...[in a deeper voice] hangin' Sheet Rock, 'round an engine I'm rebuilding.

Master Shake

Look at the way he rolls...

WHERE'S MY CHEWIN' TOBACCO?!!

Master Shake

...just like a woman!

Dude, your buddy here is givin' me a rash.

Frylock

He usually doesn't drink this much!

Master Shake

I out-party you!

Frylock

Shake, will you sit down?

Master Shake

P.D., I know how to throw... down. Dude! And I almost said "throw up", but I didn't. I hold my boobs... my booze! But I hold boobs all day, too!

Frylock

Yeah, this is beer number two for him, right?

Master Shake

Dude, show him that sweet lung tat you got. Oh... wait till you see this. This is so awesome.

Had to do it on the inside or my dad would totally kill me. Had to get wasted cuz it hurt like eight bitches on a bitch boat!

Whoa, was my hair this curly last night?

Master Shake

What, are you fishing for compliments? You know, that's a horrible personality trait, nobody likes that.

Shake

Out of the way! I will ruin this bird with my anger!

Turkatron

[while choking Carl] Drop the chainsaw if you want him to live.

..help me...

Shake

I call the dark meat!

Shotgun!

Frylock

Shake, put that damn chainsaw down! Give it here!

Shake

But I did call shotgun.