Wakko quotes from Animaniacs

Wakko

Tomorrow I'll play the xylophone! With my butt!

Und zo, I scheduled an appointment with The Varner Brothers. I'll never forget our first session...

The Warner Brothers are here for their 3:00 appointment. You be good little boys.

Mmm. [fall their heads down]

Dot

[walks over, and pulls their tongues back into their mouths like a window shade; shrugs to the camera] Boys.

[jumps into Scratchy's arms along with Wakko] How you doing, Scratchy?

I take umbrage at that.

Oh, sure. Take all the umbrage. Don't leave any for us.

No, I mean I take offence.

And you want our fence too? [pulling a wooden plank fence out of nowhere] All right, take it, but that's all. We're tapped out. [gives Dr. Scratchansniff the wooden plank fence]

[throws the wooden plank fence away] I think it's time we got down to business, ja?

[rapping] Now-our first quarter figures are really low as this-a business-a graph will hopefully show.

What are you doing?

We're getting down... to business.

[takes the stick] You always make ze jokes. Zis is not good. No more jokes, ja? [the Warner Siblings nod] Ja. Good, now, plant yourselves on ze couch there. [the Warner Siblings jump onto the couch and literally sprout up into flowers] I said, no more jokes!

This isn't a joke, it's a visual gag.

Well, no more jokes, gags, or monkey stuff.

Define monkey stuff.

Yeah, THE MONKEY STUFF! THE MONKEY STUFF! You know, you walks around like a silly monkey. [acting like a monkey] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Und' you be all goofy like a monkey. Zat is the monkey stuff.

Wakko

Maybe you should see a p-sy-chiatrist.

I am a p-sych-...uh. I mean, a psychiatrist! EUH! [while he paces back and forth, the Warner Siblings follow him, copying him, walking like Ancient Egyptians, and as a British tourist group] Ah... I know vhat you kids vant, ja! You vant to talk to Mr. Puppethead! [pulls out a hand puppet resembling him] Hello kids, I'm Mr. Puppethead! Tell me vhy you always make the jokes. [the Warners look at the puppet awkwardly] Vhy aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No, no, it iz very easy. Watch me, watch me. [clears throat] Hello, Mr. Puppethead, how are you? I am fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you? I am fine, Mr. Puppethead. Did you have a yummy breakfast? Oh yes, yes! Very yummy, thank you. How was your breakfast? My breakfast was yummy as vell. [to the Warner siblings] Now you see? Isn't that easy?

Uhmm...are you sure you don't want to see a p-sychiatrist?

I am a p-sychi- I mean psychiatrist! [tearing at his hair with the puppet] I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM!

Mr. Puppethead's hungry.

Now, then, Wakko, let's you and I talk, hmm?

Wakko

Okay.

Good. Vhat's on your mind?

Wakko

My hat.

No, no, no. Your hat is on your head. Vhat is on your mind?

Wakko

My... skin?

No, that's on your head. Vhat's on your mind?

Wakko

Oh, I got it! My hair!

Your hair is on your head! [tears off some of his hair] ZIS IS HAIR! ZIS IS HAIR! IT IS NOT ON MY MIND! IT IS ON MY HEAD!

Wakko

No, it's in your hand.

[shakes in anger before exhaling] Let's try something different, okay?

Wakko

Okay.

Vhy don't you tell me vhat you're feeling?

Wakko

My shirt.

No, that's vhat you're touching.Vhat are you feeling?

Wakko

My nose?

THAT'S VHAT YOU'RE TOUCHING! VHAT ARE YOU FEELING?! [calms down] Just tell me how you feel.

Wakko

I feel fine.

Good! Now, ve're getting somewhere. Vould you care to expand on that?

Wakko

Okay. [breaths in and his whole body expands like a balloon]

Vhat? No, no! Not that type of expanding! STOP IT!

Wakko

'Scuse me. [kisses Scratchansniff full on the mouth and runs away]

[written and spoken] Bern, Switzerland, 1905, home of cheese, clocks, chocolate and neutrality... but mostly chocolate.

[singing] Open your doors and buy our cookies. Yodel-idel-adel-adel-yadel-odel-eee, support the scouts, get out your wallets Yodel-idel-adel-adel-yadel-odel-eee!

Wakko

[singing] Yodel-eh-hi-hu! Yodel-uh-ha-ha! Yodel-eh-hi-hee! Yodel-idel-adel-yadel-yodle-diddle-dodle-doodle doba-dee-dee! [spoken] Sorry, it's the chocolate talking.

[walking by while carrying a tray full of mugs with hot chocolate] Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate.

Wakko

Helloooo Swiss nurse, miss! [starts walking towards her]

[grabs him] Oh no you don't. We've got cookies to sell. Well scouts, there it is. [the scene reveals a house with a blue door and some windows on it] The last house in the city. [they walk to the house] And we only need to sell one more box of cookies to get our merit badges.

Dot

[reads the name of the mailbox] "Albert Einstein". He sounds dreamy.

If the sun is P, and gravity is H, it makes a ppphhhhh. No no no no, the theory of relativity has escaped me! Why can't I get it?! WHY?! [the Doorbell rings and he turns to the door] Oh! This better be important, I'm thinking about black holes. [the Warners are standing at his house as he opens the door]

Like blackheads? You must be a dermatologist.

I am not. I am Albert Einstein, world-famous physicist.

Oh. I've never had a cyst, but Wakko's got a wart you can look at.

[looks at it] Eww. Vat do you kids want?

Wakko

You wanna buy a yummy box of kids scout cookies? [gets a green box of cookies and he hands it to Einstein]

Cookies? Vat would I do with cookies?

Dot

Ya eat 'em, silly moustache man. Woah, dumber than advertised.

No I don't want cookies. I'm trying to unlock the mysteries of the universe! Now be good little scouts, and run away! [shuts the door]

Wakko

[sits on the steps] Goodbye, merit badges.

Dot

Oh, oh! My heart aches with the sorrow of a thousand scouts. No merit badge, I mourn my loss. [sobs into her hands]

[claps along with Wakko] Say, those acting classes are really paying off.

Dot

Think so?

Don't worry siblings, we'll sell that nice man a box of cookies or die trying... or try dying, or do some tie dying! [gets a tie dye shirt, while Wakko and Dot clap]

And now, to measure the speed of light. [turns on the lightbulb] Boy, that's quick. [gets off his chair and walks to the chalkboard and he turns it around, while the Warners are standing] OH!

Hello! [they jump out of the chalkboard and kiss Einstein]

[grossed out] Phht!

Dot

Well how about it, kid? Want some cookies?

No, no, no, no cookies!

How about a chia pet? [shows one from hand]

No! I- oh, look at that! [the chia pet grows] Oh it's got little fuzzy grass. Well- [realizing what he is doing] no I can't, I can't! Don't you understand?! I can't be disturbed! I'm trying to figure out an equation that explains the universe!

Shouldn't you stick to skin disorders?

I am not a dermatologist!

Alright, alright, we get the picture! If you don't want any cookies, then just leave.

I'm not going to leave, this is my house.

Alright then, you leave.

Fine. [looks at him walking out of his own house, while Wakko jumps on an X-ray and Dot watches him as he opens and slams the door. As Einstein walks outside of his house, he stops, realizing that he's been duped] Grrrrrr! [goes back inside, then kicks Yakko, Wakko and Dot out the house and shuts the door]

Wakko

Now what?

Now, it's time for the hard sell.

No more disruptions. [turns to the windows and pulls the first one, then the second one, then the third one has Yakko, Wakko and Dot on it]

Hello!

Aargh! [runs to the green chair and hides] YOU!

No, this is a "ewe". [takes a female sheep called an ewe] We're just plain old us.

[about to cry] Why won't you leave me alone?

Boy, have we got a deal for you! For a limited time only, when you buy our cookies, we'll throw in the amazing Acme pocket-fisherman! [a comically small fisherman waves at the audience. He then hands a fishing pole, a tackle box, and a cabin shower] The pocket-fisherman comes complete with fishing pole, tackle box and potty. He may be small, but he eats.

Dot

But wait, there's more. You'll also get the amazing Acme hair magnet. [Wakko carries a magnet that reads ACME, and Einstein's hair raises up. Dot has a comb and Yakko has a brush; they both have spraying cans] A unique solution to fine limp hair!

Wakko

[has a camera and hides as he takes a photo] Smile! [the camera flashes and he holds the photo] You didn't smile.

To get the cookies, pocket-fisherman and hair magnet, here's how to order. [pulls the screen]

Dot

[sit on a chair and breaks the 4th wall] Hi, I'm Dot, an operator here at Acme. Order now, and we'll also throw in "Unexplained Mysteries of Fudge". Call now.

Wakko

[wears a red shirt and some black pants, then holds a calculator; in his Scottish accent] I don't think he can take much more, captain. He's about to blow.

I guess you really don't want any cookies, huh?

How can I eat cookies when the theory of relativity has escaped me?! It's all wrong! All wrong! [erases the chalkboard and wents to his desk, while Yakko, Wakko and Dot look at Einstein as he sits on his chair] I am a failure. Einstein is a dummy. Stupid Einstein dummy-boy.

[look impressed, and huddle in a whisper] Hey, Einstein! [singing] Whenever we're feeling blue, here's what we always do. When your face is long, sing the Acme song, you'll feel so fresh and new!

[runs to the chalkboard and draws some letters; singing] There's the A that's first, there's a C that's next, there's an M you're almost done. There's the E, it's last, now spell it out: A-C-M-E, that's fun.

Wakko

[spoken] Now, backwards! [singing] There's the E that's last, there's the M, it's next, There's C, you're almost done. There's the A, it's first, what's first is last. E-M-C-A, we're done.

[walks up to the chalkboard; spoken] Pretty good, Wakko, but your A always looks like a 2.

That's it! That's it! The theory of relativity, E equals MC squared! Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared! You kids is geniuses! E equals MC squared! [the scene changes to his house] E equals MC squared! [the scene changes to the City of Bern, Switzerland] E equals MC squared!

It's that time again.

Dot

To get our rabies shot?

Wakko

To make bubbles with our spit?

No. It's time to learn the day's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to... the Wheel of Morality! [a carnival wheel with attached printer slides into view; he spins it] Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. [it stops; printer outputs a page] Moral number two. And the moral of today's story is... [reading] "If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents."

Wakko

How deep.

I don't know about you, but I'm touched.

Dot

In the head. [the sound of a whistle startles all three]

Yikes!

Arggh! [Yakko, Wakko and Dot have fishing poles, throw them away and then show banner, it reads, WISH YOU WERE WERE; throws the telescope away] Rarr! [hops to his harpoon and sits on his chair then shoots the harpoon but it missed the Warners. He grabs the grip with a big, huge shark and gasps. He laughs and sends the shark back.] Phew. [turns around to see the Warner dressed up like pirates]

Arr!

Arr!

Wakko

Arr!

Dot

Arr!

Wakko

Arr! Yarr! Arr, Arr, Arr! Yarr!

Too big.

Wakko

Arr.

Better.

I'll teach you three scallawags to mess with the likes of me. [walks away, opens the door, then comes back with a treasure chest with weapons] Choose your weapon.

Okay.

[dazed] How did ye do that?

Aah, you mean with the big comedy cannon? You really wanna know?

Arr.

I'll take that as a yes. [zips away and Wakko and Dot bring a chair and Captain Mel sits on it. They grab two dust Ostrich Feather Dust Cleaning Brushes to clean him. They stopped and Yakko skid and they spin. Yakko, Wakko and Dot are back to their original clothes; singing] I Am the Very Model of a Cartoon Individual. My animation's comical, unusual and whimsical. I'm quite adept at funny gags, comedic theory I have read from wicked puns and stupid jokes to anvils that drop on your head. I'm very good at fancy dances, I can even pirouette then smack the villain with a fish, I know my cartoon etiquette. I can make my face all mean and really give you quite a fright. Aah! Then make up with flowers made of real exploding dynamite. [they run down the stairs, while Captain Mel chases them] When in a jam, I just yell, "Stop!" and villains in their tracks are froze. Then I sneak up, and utter "Start!" and take their hands and honk their nose. I am quite proud to be in such a hierarchical progeny from Daffy Duck and Tweety Bird to Babs and Buster Bunny. [pulls a lever with four pictures on them. Daffy Duck, Tweety Bird, Babs Bunny and Buster Bunny. Daffy gets a Hammer and hits Captain Mel. He falls into the chair] To suit my mood, I can call forth a lot of different sceneries like outer space and desert scapes and Himalayan eateries from this bag here, why, I can pull most anything imaginable like office desks and lava lights and Bert who is a cannibal! [pulls Bert, a cannibal wearing a necklace and a hula skirt and some brown shoes]

[singing] You see in matters comical, unusual and whimsical, We are the very model of cartoon individuals!

[singing] The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world. Our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!

Slappy

[opens the door] Enough with the singin' already![closes the door.]

[singing] That's Slappy!

Friends, we'll paint any ceiling for just 29.95. Right! How do we do it? No overhead. In fact, when we get through, you'll have nothing overhead! And if you hire us, you'll have nothing in your head! We paint ceilings, ceilings and ONLY ceilings! We don't paint floors cuz they're beneath us.

[angrily standing, boiling, covered in red paint] Who are you?! What are you doing here?!

We heard you had a ceiling that needs painting.

Dot

Nice bungalow. This your place?

You fools, I'm the great Michelangelo! And this is the Sistine chapel!

Oh, yeah? If you're so great, what did you do with the other fifteen chapels, huh? Gotcha there.

Out! Out! HOW DARE YOU! [prepares to throw The Warner Siblings out, but he gets thrown out himself, confused] Huh?

Well, that takes care of the competition.

Dot

Gentlemen, start your rollers!

You know, a little touch-up will do wonders for this place.

Let me in! Let me in!

[dressed up as the Guardian of the Gates] Nobody gets in to see the Wizard. Not nobody. Not nohow.

But I'm Michaelangelo.

[gasps] The Witch's Michaelangelo? Well. Now, that's a ceiling of a different color.

[gasps] Argh! What have you done to my beautiful ceiling?!

Ya like it? I gotta tell ya, we had a heck of a time covering up those naked people.

You FOOLS! You've ruined it! It's supposed to have pictures!

Wakko

Pictures? He wants pictures!

Hey, don't worry Mike, our mistake. [whispering] This hasn't happened to us since that Venus de Milo arms fiasco.

Dot

Say, why don't you go paint that Moaning Lisa, Leonardo?

That's Da Vinci!

Dot

That's delightful!

That's de-lovely, but, we got a ceiling to paint.

Wha-but-

Dot

[giving Michelangelo wallpapers and two books] Here. Just pick out a wallpaper pattern and relax. We'll take care of everything.

Wakko

[wearing toilet plungers on his feet] Yeah, when it comes to ceilings, we're the tops!

[giving Michelangelo wallpapers and a refrigerator] Oh, and while you're at it, pick out the linoleum, why don't-cha?

Dot

[giving Michelangelo wallpapers and a fish bowl with a goldfish in it] And don't forget your upholstery and your bathroom fixtures.

Oh, thank you.

Now, don't you worry your pretty, little head. By the way, nice toga.

[looking at wallpaper designs] Let me see now, this lovely floral pattern might be just- [realizing that he's been tricked, knocking the stack of wallpapers, books, and objects down] HEY, wait a minute! I'll teach those idiots to fool with the great Michelangelo! [hits the cylinder, making the statue of Moses, and slams the door open] No. No! NO! [sees a bullfighter, A Waterloo by C.M. Coolidge, big-eyed children by Margaret Keane, and Elvis Presley; cries] I'm ruined! RUINED!

Dot

I knew it. He prefers the young Elvis.

It is supposed to look like THIS! [shows them The Sistine Chapel Ceiling paper]

Dot

Oh! More naked people!

I wouldn't go flashing that around if I were you, Mike. [whispering] This is a church. [takes the paper, scrunches it up, and throws it away]

But His Eminence is coming tonight and I MUST be finished! Please, you gotta help me! [cries]

Wait a minute, you expect us poor innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church?

We'll do it!

[speaking at a podium as Wakko and Dot play "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" on kazoos] But we're not doing it for the sake of art. And we're not doing it for the sake of money. No, we're doing it because, we like painting naked people.

[first lines; to two other unknown men] He's a chicken, I tell ya. A giant chicken!

Dr. Scratchansniff, do you know what keeps this studio running?

Err, your brilliant leadership, T.P.?

I mean besides that. What keeps this place going?

Mmm...Mel Gibson movies?

YES! That's it, sniff. And how do we pay for those movies? With money! money. And we need more. With that in mind, I've invited some powerful foreign investors to come here tomorrow. They'll prepare to give us... [babbling and drooling in excitement] 1 billion of it. Billion of it. 1 billion. 1 billion dollars! Do you know what that means?

Ja, that's a one with lots und lots of zeros after it.

No! It means tomorrow is the most important day in the studio's history! I'm throwing a gala banquet on sound stage 10. Now, every star in Hollywood will be there. Investors will get the royal treatment, and we'll get the check, IF, it goes smoothly. There's just one catch. Before they invest, they wanna meet every one who works here. Including you.

Ooh, that's nice. I like to party.

And including, the Warner Brothers.

Hi, T.P.!

Dot

And the Warner Sister.

No, T.P.! Don't let the investors meet The Warners! They're out of control! They're koo-koo! They're-

Your responsibility. You're the studio psychiatrist. You have 24 hours, Scratchensniff, to teach them some manners. I can't have those-those-What are they?

I don't know.

Well, I can't have them ruining this banquet! Understand?!

Alright, I'll try.

Trying is not good enough, Scratchensniff. [shouting loudly, blowing Dr. Scratchensniff away] DO IT!!!

[bouncing out of the building] Uh! Eh! Pleugh! [falls down, and rests his elbow on the concrete, irate] Rggrgh!

Stop zat! Stop! Do you know why you're here?

No one really knows why, Doc, although Schopenhauer put forth an interesting theory-

Zat's not what I meant!

Dot

Then why'd you say it?

You're misinterpreting!

[standing next to Miss Interpreting] No, this is Miss Interpreting.

Wakko

[standing next to Miss Understanding] This is Miss Understanding.

Dot

[laying on a pillow] And I'm Miss-terious.

Wakko

[playing with a golden bust of Sigmund Freud] Wow, a giant Pez dispenser! Want one?

[taking a Pez] Please.

Stop playing with my bust!

[blows the audience a kiss] Goodnight, everybody!

Be quiet, please! I have something to tell you!

Ooh, story time!

Wakko

Get right to the scary part.

What scary part?

Dot

The part with my pet. [opens the tiny white box. Dot's pet appears as giant crab with eyeball replacing its head]

[startled] Eagh! Ya, yeah your pet, okay. Good pet. Heh heh heh. Now, listen. The studio is getting a big fancy party for some new investors, with movie stars und everything, und, uh, you have been invited.

Movie stars?!

Michelle Pfeiffer.

Dot

Mel Gibson.

Wakko

Don Knotts!

Please! There's also some bad news.

Dot

Bea Arthur is putting out a swimsuit calendar?

She is? Of course, not. No. The bad news is you can only go if I train you to be polite, clean, well-dressed children on your best behavior.

Dot

[wearing a party hat and holding a pony by the reins in front of balloons] I thought you said it was a party!

Und now my little, uh, friends, we shall begin training you for the party. Oh, Miss Nurse! Will you please come in here?

[panting] Hello, Nurse!

Dot

Boys, go fig.

Miss Nurse here, is going to assist me in your lessons on etiquette. We'll start with ze receiving line. [the Warner Siblings all form a line behind Hello Nurse and do a conga dance] No, no, zat's a conga line!

Ooh, nice to know you're up on your dance steps, doc.

Grragh! Hurgh! Hrrr! RRRRR!