A character in Animaniacs
Dr. Scratchansniff
Animaniacs · 261 quotes
7th most-quoted character in Animaniacs: in 24 of its 261 quotes
Most scenes with: Yakko (15), Wakko (13), Dot (11)
[narrating, as he is reading "Understanding Children"as "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" plays in the background again] After much research, I decided to meet with each Varner Brother individually, starting with ze Varner Brothers' sister, Dot.
[narrating] After the Varner Brothers escaped, I was called to see the chairman of the board of the Varner Brothers studio.
[Dr. Scratchansniff enters the office. He sits at one end of the long table while a short, stout man sits at the other end. The man pushes a button, closing the curtains]
[smiles, then shouting] THE WARNER BROTHERS ARE WREAKING HAVOC THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO, SCRATCHANSNIFF! AND I WON'T HAVE IT! [walking on the table up to a nervous Dr. Scratchansniff] In order for a studio to run efficiently, there must be order, calmness, control. The Warner Brothers have taken the calmness and replaced it with chaos! They're too zany, Scratchansniff! I haven't been this upset since we made Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. And I have chosen you to get the Warner Brothers under control.
Vhy me?
Because you're a psychiatrist, dummy.
Oh...
Und zo, I scheduled an appointment with The Varner Brothers. I'll never forget our first session...
[Hello Nurse leads The Warner Siblings to Dr. Scratchansniff's office while Wakko drums to her footsteps]
The Warner Brothers are here for their 3:00 appointment. You be good little boys.
Mmm. [fall their heads down]
[After Hello Nurse leaves, Yakko and Wakko's tongues pop out while they are in love]
[walks over, and pulls their tongues back into their mouths like a window shade; shrugs to the camera] Boys.
[jumps into Scratchy's arms along with Wakko] How you doing, Scratchy?
I take umbrage at that.
Oh, sure. Take all the umbrage. Don't leave any for us.
No, I mean I take offence.
And you want our fence too? [pulling a wooden plank fence out of nowhere] All right, take it, but that's all. We're tapped out. [gives Dr. Scratchansniff the wooden plank fence]
[throws the wooden plank fence away] I think it's time we got down to business, ja?
[rapping] Now-our first quarter figures are really low as this-a business-a graph will hopefully show.
What are you doing?
We're getting down... to business.
[takes the stick] You always make ze jokes. Zis is not good. No more jokes, ja? [the Warner Siblings nod] Ja. Good, now, plant yourselves on ze couch there. [the Warner Siblings jump onto the couch and literally sprout up into flowers] I said, no more jokes!
This isn't a joke, it's a visual gag.
Well, no more jokes, gags, or monkey stuff.
Define monkey stuff.
Yeah, THE MONKEY STUFF! THE MONKEY STUFF! You know, you walks around like a silly monkey. [acting like a monkey] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Und' you be all goofy like a monkey. Zat is the monkey stuff.
[The Warner Siblings look at the camera with confusion]
Maybe you should see a p-sy-chiatrist.
I am a p-sych-...uh. I mean, a psychiatrist! EUH! [while he paces back and forth, the Warner Siblings follow him, copying him, walking like Ancient Egyptians, and as a British tourist group] Ah... I know vhat you kids vant, ja! You vant to talk to Mr. Puppethead! [pulls out a hand puppet resembling him] Hello kids, I'm Mr. Puppethead! Tell me vhy you always make the jokes. [the Warners look at the puppet awkwardly] Vhy aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No, no, it iz very easy. Watch me, watch me. [clears throat] Hello, Mr. Puppethead, how are you? I am fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you? I am fine, Mr. Puppethead. Did you have a yummy breakfast? Oh yes, yes! Very yummy, thank you. How was your breakfast? My breakfast was yummy as vell. [to the Warner siblings] Now you see? Isn't that easy?
Uhmm...are you sure you don't want to see a p-sychiatrist?
I am a p-sychi- I mean psychiatrist! [tearing at his hair with the puppet] I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM!
Mr. Puppethead's hungry.
Dot...may I call you "Dot"?
Yeah. But call me "Dottie" and ya die.
"Dot" is it. I'm going to show you some pictures, und I vant you to tell me what they look like. [shows Dot an inkblot] Vhat do you say to this?
I'd say you're not a very good artist.
I didn't draw that.
Well, whoever did needs to go back to school.
No, it's an inkblot.
I'll say.
No, no, no. It's not supposed to look like anything!
Then you did a very good job.
I DIDN'T DRAW IT! Doesn't it looks like a little kitty cat or a butterfly or something?
No. [takes off the inkblot and changes it into a butterfly] That's a butterfly.
[The butterfly comes to life, and Dot tries to catch it with the butterfly net, but catches Scratchy's head instead, much to his annoyance]
Now, then, Wakko, let's you and I talk, hmm?
Okay.
Good. Vhat's on your mind?
My hat.
No, no, no. Your hat is on your head. Vhat is on your mind?
My... skin?
No, that's on your head. Vhat's on your mind?
Oh, I got it! My hair!
Your hair is on your head! [tears off some of his hair] ZIS IS HAIR! ZIS IS HAIR! IT IS NOT ON MY MIND! IT IS ON MY HEAD!
No, it's in your hand.
[shakes in anger before exhaling] Let's try something different, okay?
Okay.
Vhy don't you tell me vhat you're feeling?
My shirt.
No, that's vhat you're touching.Vhat are you feeling?
My nose?
THAT'S VHAT YOU'RE TOUCHING! VHAT ARE YOU FEELING?! [calms down] Just tell me how you feel.
I feel fine.
Good! Now, ve're getting somewhere. Vould you care to expand on that?
Okay. [breaths in and his whole body expands like a balloon]
Vhat? No, no! Not that type of expanding! STOP IT!
[Wakko pricks himself with a sewing pin and flies around the room like a deflating balloon before falling into Scratchansniff's lap]
'Scuse me. [kisses Scratchansniff full on the mouth and runs away]
[Dr. Scratchansniff growls and tears out more of his hair]
Now, then, Yakko, let us do a little word association, hmm? I'll say a word, und you say any word that you think of. Any word that comes to mind.
Brain.
No, no. We haven't started.
Begun.
No, wait.
Yield.
No, stop!
Cease.
SILENCE!
Quiet.
ENOUGH!
Plenty.
Would - You - Please - Listen?!
Hear.
NO, YOU STUPID KID! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
Comprehend.
[screams in frustration and carries Yakko to the door] Get out, get out, GET OUT!
Leave, leave, leave.
[kicks him out and slams the door, huffing and puffing] THOSE KIDS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!
[pops his head through the door] Insane, unhinged, demented.
[Dr. Scratchansniff angrily shakes his fist at Yakko, tears out his remaining hair, and collapses on the floor, sobbing]
[Back to Hollywood, present day, in psychiatrist's office]
Und zis is how it's been. Zey's always driving me kooky in the kopf, und they're still not de-zanitized. Am I crazy, doctor? [turns to see in shock] Huuuh!
[The psychiatrists are revealed to be The Warner Siblings]
[in a German accent] You are suffering from acute Warneritis.
AAH! [literally blasts off into Outer Space like a rocket ship, leaving a hole shaped like himself in the ceiling, and blasting all the way to Mars. He crashes upon landing on Mars]
[in a normal voice] Was it something I said?
[The cartoon opens up on an aerial shot of The Warner Brothers Studio as upbeat music plays throughout the background. Cut to Warner Brothers Studios building. Inside, a woman passes by a portrait of Thaddeus Plotz. Camera pans right to his office]
[first lines; to two other unknown men] He's a chicken, I tell ya. A giant chicken!
[Fade to inside of office]
Dr. Scratchansniff, do you know what keeps this studio running?
Err, your brilliant leadership, T.P.?
I mean besides that. What keeps this place going?
Mmm...Mel Gibson movies?
YES! That's it, sniff. And how do we pay for those movies? With money! money. And we need more. With that in mind, I've invited some powerful foreign investors to come here tomorrow. They'll prepare to give us... [babbling and drooling in excitement] 1 billion of it. Billion of it. 1 billion. 1 billion dollars! Do you know what that means?
Ja, that's a one with lots und lots of zeros after it.
No! It means tomorrow is the most important day in the studio's history! I'm throwing a gala banquet on sound stage 10. Now, every star in Hollywood will be there. Investors will get the royal treatment, and we'll get the check, IF, it goes smoothly. There's just one catch. Before they invest, they wanna meet every one who works here. Including you.
Ooh, that's nice. I like to party.
And including, the Warner Brothers.
[The Warner Siblings are running around outside]
Hi, T.P.!
And the Warner Sister.
No, T.P.! Don't let the investors meet The Warners! They're out of control! They're koo-koo! They're-
Your responsibility. You're the studio psychiatrist. You have 24 hours, Scratchensniff, to teach them some manners. I can't have those-those-What are they?
I don't know.
Well, I can't have them ruining this banquet! Understand?!
Alright, I'll try.
Trying is not good enough, Scratchensniff. [shouting loudly, blowing Dr. Scratchensniff away] DO IT!!!
[bouncing out of the building] Uh! Eh! Pleugh! [falls down, and rests his elbow on the concrete, irate] Rggrgh!
[After "The Studio Shrink Song"]
Stop zat! Stop! Do you know why you're here?
No one really knows why, Doc, although Schopenhauer put forth an interesting theory-
Zat's not what I meant!
Then why'd you say it?
You're misinterpreting!
[standing next to Miss Interpreting] No, this is Miss Interpreting.
[standing next to Miss Understanding] This is Miss Understanding.
[laying on a pillow] And I'm Miss-terious.
[playing with a golden bust of Sigmund Freud] Wow, a giant Pez dispenser! Want one?
[taking a Pez] Please.
Stop playing with my bust!
[Awkward pause]
[blows the audience a kiss] Goodnight, everybody!
Be quiet, please! I have something to tell you!
Ooh, story time!
Get right to the scary part.
What scary part?
The part with my pet. [opens the tiny white box. Dot's pet appears as giant crab with eyeball replacing its head]
[startled] Eagh! Ya, yeah your pet, okay. Good pet. Heh heh heh. Now, listen. The studio is getting a big fancy party for some new investors, with movie stars und everything, und, uh, you have been invited.
Movie stars?!
Michelle Pfeiffer.
Mel Gibson.
Don Knotts!
Please! There's also some bad news.
Bea Arthur is putting out a swimsuit calendar?
She is? Of course, not. No. The bad news is you can only go if I train you to be polite, clean, well-dressed children on your best behavior.
[wearing a party hat and holding a pony by the reins in front of balloons] I thought you said it was a party!
Und now my little, uh, friends, we shall begin training you for the party. Oh, Miss Nurse! Will you please come in here?
[Hello Nurse opens the door, walking in provocatively]
[panting] Hello, Nurse!
Boys, go fig.
Miss Nurse here, is going to assist me in your lessons on etiquette. We'll start with ze receiving line. [the Warner Siblings all form a line behind Hello Nurse and do a conga dance] No, no, zat's a conga line!
Ooh, nice to know you're up on your dance steps, doc.
Grragh! Hurgh! Hrrr! RRRRR!
Now, in a receiving line, if I introduced her to you, what would be ze proper greeting?
Hello, Nurse!
No, no, a proper greeting like zis. [bows and shake hands] "How do you do?" Now, you try.
[bows and shake hands] How do you do...that thing with your mouth? [lands in Hello Nurse's arms, then kisses her] Take me away, but be gentle. I'm fragile. [fractures into many tiny pieces]
[as Dot puts Yakko back together] No, no, it is impolite to be that personal. [to Wakko] Wakko?
I disagree.
No, I want you to greet ze lady.
[literally zooms around to Hello Nurse at lightning speed, with a lightning bolt trailing behind him, kissing her] Hello, Nurse!
No, no, no, "How do you do?".
Oh, fine, thanks. [shakes Dr. Scratchensniff's hand]
Rgh! [to Dot] Dot, would you care to give it a try? But, I'd like you to make a little curtzy.
Thanks, but I did before I left home.
No, a curtzy, make a little curtzy!
[laughing] Make a little curtzy, a curtzy! [do a curtzy] A little curtzy! [do a curtzy, they laugh more]
Stop it! Stop zat! I am not here to amuse you!
Then, please, stop being so funny!
[Wakko laughs]
[facepalms] Now, Dot, please give it a try.
How do you do? [does a curtzy, then midway, collapses onto the floor] Tee-hee, curtsy laugh.
Ooh! [double facepalms on the couch] Nngnhuh! Let's move on.
And lift!
[pushing a fridge with a lift] Comin' through!
Uh, where do you want the couch, Mac?
Euugh!
Now, we will work on our diction. How do we avoid bad elocution?
Stay inside during a thunder storm.
[Wakko does a rim shot]
No, no, elocution, diction, pronunciation! We will work on our vowel sounds! Let's pronounce zis! A-e-i-o-u.
[trying to pronounce the as one word] "Aeiou"...
No, no. I want ze letters, the letters!
[dressed as mail men, throwing actual letters out of mail bags] Scratchansniff, Scratchansniff, Scratchansniff.
Hey! Doctor Otto Scratchansniff! You may have won 10 million dollars!
Are you married? [kisses Dr. Scratchansniff 6 times. The lip imprints stay]
No, no, NO!
With a temper like that, it's no wonder.
Stop! Haltenzie! For-ge-No! In your seats! [the lip imprints disappear] If you want to go to the party, you must stop with the gags!
[The Warner Siblings all wear physical restraints. Wakko has a lock, and Yakko and Dot have blindfolds over their mouths]
[in unison with Dot, taking the blindfolds off] Oh, alright.
Heh. Let's plunge ahead.
Okay!
[The Warner Siblings all jump off a high diving board into a small tub of water]
Cannonball!
Yergh!
[The Warner Siblings splash him and the screen]
[nervously] Please, tell our honored new investors this party is our way of saying welcome, and, heh heh heh, [in a Western accent] you're A-O.K., partner. Ha ha ha ha.
[to Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Yoko so, soshite anat wa A-O.K., partner. ("Welcome, And you're A-O.K., partner.")
[still nervous] Heh heh heh.
Ahem. Dr. Scratchensniff is arriving with The Warner Brothers.
[praying] Please, let those kids behave. I want my money. I want my money.
Uh... [points to Dr. Scratchensniff and the Warner Siblings]
Mr. Chairman, may I present, the Warner Brothers!
Addendum-the Warner Sister.
[bowing] How do you do?
[in a Japanese accent] Gokigen ikaga desuka? ("How are you?")
[to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Tokyo wa totemo omoshiroi tokuro desu ne. ("Tokyo is an extremely interesting place, isn't it?")
[to Yakko, in a Japanese accent] Zehi irashite kudesai. ("Please, go there.")
[to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Mada iki basho ga areba ne. ("If there's still a place to go, eh?")
[He and the Japanese investors laugh. Thaddeus Plotz laughs. The Japanese investors look at him. Thaddeus Plotz sighs weakly]
[The Warners walk into the party. They see Spike Lee, Annette Bening, and Warren Beatty sitting at a table]
[to a baby on Warren Beatty's back] How about a smile, please baby, please baby baby baby please?
[They see Bea Arthur sitting at a fancy party with Danny DeVito, who is dressed as The Penguin, eating a large bucket of fish]
I'm putting out a swimsuit calendar.
[gags] Not while I'm eating!
Good work, Scratchansniff. I'm amazed! Heh, you did it! The Warners behaved. [turns around, serious] Now, get them out of here.
[shocked] What? But they did their part of the bargain.
I want them out. I don't have that check yet, and they're not going to mess it up. Get 'em out!
[sighs sadly, walks up to the Warners] Vell, kids, that's enough for one night, eh?
[confused] Huh?
[leading them back to the water tower] Don't want you to get over-tired. It's getting late. So, it's off to bed with you. Now, now, come along. Let's go nighty-night.
Hey, what are you doing?
Yeah!
Uh. I'm sorry, but ze chairman of the board said you had to leave.
But we behaved!
Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry. Now, go on now. Go-Go on now. [leaves]
No dinner with Mel Gibson?
No dancing with Michelle Pfeiffer?
No chit-chat with Don Knotts?
[as he, Wakko, and Dot climb up the ladder] Well, I know when we're not wanted. I know when we should just go home. [climbing back down] Now is not one of those times.
[After The Warner Siblings have scared off the Xenomorph ]
[delightfully sees the Warners in a Japanese accent] Asoko ni Warner Brothers ga iru. ("There is The Warner Brothers there.")
[spits the drink in shock] The Warners?! Where's Scratchensniff?!
[talking to Michael Keaton, who is dressed as Batman] I don't want to drive ze Batmobile. I just want to sit in it.
[grabs Scratchy] I told you to send those kids home!
B-But I did!
Well, they're back! You'd better help me catch them! They'll ruin everything!
Ohh!
DotTress MacNeille · 109 quotes
WakkoJess Harnell · 106 quotes
SlappySherri Stoner · 45 quotes
WWarners38 quotes
SkippyNathan Ruegger · 27 quotes
BBrain17 quotes
PPinky17 quotes
NNarrator15 quotes
TPThaddeus Plotz14 quotes
RitaBernadette Peters · 11 quotes
RuntFrank Welker · 8 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Animaniacs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
