Narrator quotes from Animaniacs

Coming soon to the Kids WB!

Newsreel of the Stars! Dateline: Hollywood, 1930, the Warner Bros. Studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters. [The Animator, Lon Borax, draws a wise-cracking, smart-and-fast-talking, oldest sibling with pants with a black belt; a very sweet-natured, loving, laughable, and positive middle sibling with a backwards baseball cap and a pale turtleneck sweater; and a cute and sassy youngest sibling with a skirt with a flower ribbon. Then he gets a red marker and paints them on their noses] The Warner Brothers and their sister, Dot.

Helllooooo, Nurse!

Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control.

[bouncing down the stairs] Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!

The trio ran amok throughout the studio. Until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released! As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released! Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence, to this very day- when the Warners escaped!

[written and spoken] Bern, Switzerland, 1905, home of cheese, clocks, chocolate and neutrality... but mostly chocolate.

[singing] Open your doors and buy our cookies. Yodel-idel-adel-adel-yadel-odel-eee, support the scouts, get out your wallets Yodel-idel-adel-adel-yadel-odel-eee!

Wakko

[singing] Yodel-eh-hi-hu! Yodel-uh-ha-ha! Yodel-eh-hi-hee! Yodel-idel-adel-yadel-yodle-diddle-dodle-doodle doba-dee-dee! [spoken] Sorry, it's the chocolate talking.

[walking by while carrying a tray full of mugs with hot chocolate] Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate.

Wakko

Helloooo Swiss nurse, miss! [starts walking towards her]

[grabs him] Oh no you don't. We've got cookies to sell. Well scouts, there it is. [the scene reveals a house with a blue door and some windows on it] The last house in the city. [they walk to the house] And we only need to sell one more box of cookies to get our merit badges.

Dot

[reads the name of the mailbox] "Albert Einstein". He sounds dreamy.

[narrating, as the camera trucks in on the map of Renaissance Italy] The Italian Renaissance, [as the camera pans right past The Mona Lisa, The Last Supper, and The Birth of Venus ] a glorious time of unprecedented achievement in the arts. [as the camera pans right to a man hole] And perhaps the era's greatest figure was Michelangelo Buonarroti. [the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles come out of the man hole. The Narrator, a caricature of John Houseman appears in a purple circle] I'm afraid popular culture has successfully eradicated the actual identities of the true poets of art. My opinion? [binding The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with a cane] This stinks.

Hey, watch it, dude!

[pulls the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into the purple circle with the cane] I shall deal with you later. [to the viewers] Now, for a brief reality check. [starting a slideshow] Michelangelo was a brilliant artist, not a turtle. His most famous works include: the marble masterpiece statue of David, and of course, the Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Yes, this too was created by the tortured genius, Michelangelo, but even this great artist needed help to carry out his vision.

The Himalayas. The largest mountains on the face of the Earth. [Fade to an "Up this way" sign, outside Mt. Gesundheit] And here, high atop Mt. Gesundheit, lives the wisest creature in the world. The great Wally Llama, knower of all that is knowable. People from all over the globe seek his advice, for there is no question he does not have an answer to.

So, you see, Miss MacLaine, there is no way you could have been Kaye Ballard in another life. She is a Winter, and you are definitely an Autumn.

It's true! There is no question you don't know the answer to. Oh, thank you, Wally Llama. [kissing Wally Llama on the lips] Mmm . [skips away]

Huh, boy, what a dumb question. Phew! [goes back inside his temple. He puts a "Closed" sign on his door] All day long questions, questions. I'm sick of questions! I will answer no more questions today. [goes into his meditation room. He sits down on his cushion, pulling on a rope. A T.V. set pops up. He watches a Western, sighing]

Phew. That's worse than sweating to the oldies.

Dot

But not as annoying.

True, no Richard Simmons.

Wakko

Hey, there it is! The temple of Wally Llama!

Dot

C'mon!

Wow. Just think, siblings, soon we'll know the answer to the most important question in the whole wide world.

Go away! [all Warner Siblings sniff themselves and shrug. Yakko rings the doorbell again] I said, "Go away"! I am missing Baywatch.

Wakko

But we have a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very- [Yakko jabs him with his elbow] important question to ask you.

I'm sick of questions! Everybody always wants to ask me a question. [mockingly] "Oh, Wally Llama, I have a question". "Oh, Wally Llama, why is this?" "Why is that?" [angrily] No! I am not answering anymore questions today!

How come?

That's a question! And I'm not answering it. So there! [slams door]

Dot

This is fun!

WHAT?!

Dot

Oh, great Llama, we have journeyed 8,000 miles through rain, sleet, and snow.

Wakko

I got sick in Phoenix.

Dot

We humbly request that you answer our one, tiny, ever-so-important question.

Well... [angrily shouting, blowing Dot away] NO! [slams door]

Our new friend.

In 1916, the Russian Empire was ruled by Czar Nicholas II, the last in line of the great leaders and not so great leaders. But behind the scenes, the evil monk Rasputin was controlling the Czar with hypnotism. Rasputin forced the Czar to do whatever he wanted, even the most vile of acts.

[singing] I really like Rasputin, 'Cause I don't realize, I only like Rasputin 'Cause I am hypnotized. Hey! [Rasputin laughs evilly. He claps his hands, freeing Czar Nicholas II from the trance] Why, Rasputin. What are you doing here?

We were discussing my raise, your highness.

We were? But I just gave you a raise yesterday.

[hypnotically] You want to give me another raise, and, uh, a puppy.

[hypnotized] Yes. Yes! Why, Rasputin, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.

Oh?

I want to give you another raise and a puppy.

If you insist, kind Czar.

By controlling the Czar, Rasputin had absolute authority over all decisions affecting the Russian government.

I appoint you secretary of cheese, you, keeper of the lint, and as for you, kiss my puppy.

[looks at the puppy, then the camera. He does so, but then gets bitten] Aah!

He likes you. Now, take him potty. Bye-bye. [singing, skipping down the hall] La la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

Why, he's insane.

[to Czar Nicholas II] Czar, Rasputin is mad. He's ruining the country. You must fire him!

[to Politician 3] I like him. You have a puppy on your nose. [walks away in a hypnotic trance]

And now, the Warner Brothers in a scene from William Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream", translated for those viewers who, likeYakko, have no idea what he's saying.

[annoyed] Hmph! [Dot giggles] If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended.

Dot

If the actors in our show made you mad, it will be okay if you look at it this way!

That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear.

Dot

You fell asleep on your butt and dreamed the whole thing.

And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream.

Dot

There was a hole in the plot you can drive a truck through.

Gentles, do not reprehend...

Dot

Honeys, don't blame us. You could be watching Oprah.

If you pardon, we will mend.

Dot

But we're sorry and we promise our next show will be full of funny skits.

Wakko

[enamored] Hello pixie! [chases after her]

And, as I am an honest Puck...

Dot

I'm not touching that one.

If we have unearned luck now to 'scape the serpent's tongue.

Dot

What he said.

We will make amends ere long!

Dot

We'll buy you foot long hot dogs!

Else the Puck a liar call: So, good night unto you all. [he blows a kiss]

Dot

Goodnight everybody!

Give me your hands, if we be friends.

Dot

Applaud if you like us!

Wakko

And Robin shall restore amends.

Dot

And the Boy Wonder will save us.

[dazed] Oh, what fools these Warners be!

And now, the Warner Brothers in a scene from Shakespeare's "Hamlet", translated for those viewers who, like Yakko, have no idea what he's talking about.

Alas, poor Yorrick!

Dot

Whoa, check out Skullhead!

[while Wakko digs up an odd lamp and tosses away] I knew him, Horatio - a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.

Dot

He was funny.

[while Wakko digs up a mummy who runs away] He hath bore me on his back a thousand times.

Dot

He gave me piggy-back rides.

And now, how abhorred in my imagination it is. My gorge rises at it.

Dot

I'm going to blow chunks. Bleugh!

[kisses Skullhead while Dot looks away, embarrassed, as Wakko tosses a kitchen sink] Here hung those lips I have kissed I know not how oft.

Dot

We kissed a lot - not!

Where be your jibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar?

Dot

[while Wakko pulls up a large rocket] How come you're not funny now?

Not one now to mock your own grinning... [Skullhead's jaw falls to the ground as the rocket launches] ...quite chop-fallen?

Dot

No one's laughing now, and, by the way, your lower jaw's missing. [picks up the jaw from her interpreter's circle and hands it to Yakko]

[watches Cher run towards the hills] Now get you to my lady's chamber and tell her. Let her paint an inch thick. To this favour she must come. Make her laugh at that. [tosses Skullhead toward the hills]

Dot

Follow that woman and tell her, no matter how much makeup she wears, [Skullhead grabs Cher from behind] she's still going to croak and end up looking just like you, [Cher punches Skullhead] and see if she laughs.

Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing:

Dot

[jumps out of her circle and joins them] What'd you find in the hole?

Wakko

Our next cartoon!

Has this ever happened to you?

Slappy

Can we change the channel to something without Bob Saget in it?

No.

Well, now there's a fabulous product that can smooth the edges off life's little annoyances.

Slappy

Ah, give me the remote control, already.

No! [Slappy claps her hands twice and a hand gives him a slap] Oof! Here you go.

Slappy

You're too kind.

It's the Slapper.

[singing] Slap on, [Slappy claps twice] Slap off, Slap on, slap off. [Slappy claps twice] The Slapper.

Slappy

Works for me!

[in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] Once upon a time, in a land far, far away. [camera pans right to a village] No, much farther than that. [camera pans right to another village] No, further still. [camera pans right, then comes to a screeching halt to pan left back to another village] Uhh, here we are. Anyway. In this land far, far, far, far away, there was a village of poor, but happy people. [a man drives his ox-pulled wagon down path] The villagers were poor, because they were terrorized by a giant, who lived in the clouds.

Duh, vroom, vroom! Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Vroom! He he he he he heh! [puts wagon in pocket, takes moose out of forest] All the dinky treasures of the world are mine! [laughs, takes tree, uses it to dust house, and takes house from ground. People run away, screaming]

[in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] And, so, with the giant gone, the poor village became a wealthy suburb. [the same man with jewelry rides past The Used Cow Lot, waving mutually. The Harp and the Warners are on stage with The Mayor] And the heroic Warners were richly rewarded for saving the village.

As Mayor of The Village of The Happy and Rich, I am proud to present the three Warners with... [reaches in pocket as the Warners look in anticipation] Five beans, and Merv Griffin's autograph.

[annoyed] Doesn't anyone ever get cash in fairytales?

Once upon a time, an enchantress turned a selfish prince into a hideous beast. [the Prince turns into Taz. The mirror shatters. Taz runs to his room. He tears a portrait of himself as the Prince, playing tic-tac-toe on it. He gets all three "O"s in a row, crossing them off] To break the spell, he had to fall in love with someone who loved him, before his magic flower lost all of its petals. If he could not, he'd remain a beast...forever.

And now, the stars of our show, the Warners!

I'm Yakko!

Wakko

I'm Wakko!

Dot

And I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Balana - Oh, shoot!

[offscreen] Cut!

Dot

[holding up two fingers] Take two.

And now, the stars of our show, the Warners!

I'm Yakko.

Wakko

I'm Wakko.

Dot

And I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Franchesca Banana Falana...Arrrgh!

[offscreen] Cut!

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Banana Falana.

Wakko

[laughing] Banana Falana!

Dot

Oh, thanks for your support, Mr. P Pop Into the Mic!

Wakko

Oh, pooh! I never pop my P's!

Uh, Wakko? We got a big P pop on "pooh". Could we have that again?

Dot

Ha! [walks sideways]

And now, the stars of our show, the Warners!

I'm Yakko!

Wakko

I'm Wakko!

Dot

And I'm "Pincess"...DAAAAAAAAGH!

Helloooo, Pincess! [laughing]

Wakko

[laughing] Pincess!

[laughing] Pincess, I love it!

Dot

Yeah, you try saying it sometime!

"Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bobesca the Third". [wags eyebrows]

Dot

Oh, thank you, Mr. United-States-Canada-Mexico-Panama. Big whoop. [to the camera] LET'S DO IT! [walks back]

[tired] And now...the stars of our show...the Warners.

[tired] I'm still Yakko.

Wakko

[tired] I'm still Wakko.

Dot

And I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Fo Foo- STOP! WHY CAN'T I GET IT [BLEEP!] BY GDDITRBBIT [BLEEP!] WHY GOT TO STOP IT [BLEEP!] AUGH!

That's my cute little sister who said that! Goodnight, everybody! [Dot sits on a step] Let's wrap it up, okay?

Dot

Oh, get off my back! What do you want me to do?

Try memorizing your lines.

Dot

I was busy!

Wakko

Another date with Brad Pitt?

Dot

Oh, and you should talk?

Wakko

Hey, I can't help it if girls find me irresistable!

Dot

Yeah, until they learn you don't bathe!

People, come on! Let's do this! Last take.

[very tired] And now...the stars of our show...the Warners.

[very tired] I'm Yakko.

Wakko

[very tired] I'm Wakko.

Dot

[slowly] And I am Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bo Besca the Third!

Your brother and I just couldn't be prouder!

Dot

[angry] Oh, dry up!

[offscreen] Let's move it along! Next line!

Dot

[reads the script] ...but you can call me "Dot"!

No time for that, we're moving ahead. [checks the script] Uhhhh...skip here.

Dot

Great! This village is so quaint, it makes me wanna break into a song!

Funny, I thought it breaks into a rash.

In 1962, Termite Terrace the Warner Bros original cartoon studio had closed its doors for the last time the world’s best cartoon stars were given their walking papers.

Hey, quit shoving.

Calm down, Daf. There's a flavored drink commercial with us written all over it in Hollywood.

Wait up, Tex! [walks off]

Opportunists.

[draws a grey panther, which is similar to the Pink Panther] I got me an idea and you don't. It's called The Gray Panther.

I just love the way he talks.

Oh, it was grim 29 years we were there turning out the great poop. Then the bunch of us tossed out on a heap to round but quick.

Things looked even worse for the Warner's with no more cartoon department. They were sealed in the tower for keeps. The management bet the studio's future entirely on a certain upcoming big budget live action film starring Taboo.