Yakko quotes from Animaniacs

[the chorus girls he'd been dancing with leave groaning in exhaustion] Come on one more romp, I'll even get in front this time! Well it was fun while it lasted. [leaves; gesturing the viewers] C'mon!

Is this you? Are you happily engrossed in inconsequential cartoon trivia to the point that your socks can probably stand up by themselves?

Und zo, I scheduled an appointment with The Varner Brothers. I'll never forget our first session...

The Warner Brothers are here for their 3:00 appointment. You be good little boys.

Mmm. [fall their heads down]

Dot

[walks over, and pulls their tongues back into their mouths like a window shade; shrugs to the camera] Boys.

[jumps into Scratchy's arms along with Wakko] How you doing, Scratchy?

I take umbrage at that.

Oh, sure. Take all the umbrage. Don't leave any for us.

No, I mean I take offence.

And you want our fence too? [pulling a wooden plank fence out of nowhere] All right, take it, but that's all. We're tapped out. [gives Dr. Scratchansniff the wooden plank fence]

[throws the wooden plank fence away] I think it's time we got down to business, ja?

[rapping] Now-our first quarter figures are really low as this-a business-a graph will hopefully show.

What are you doing?

We're getting down... to business.

[takes the stick] You always make ze jokes. Zis is not good. No more jokes, ja? [the Warner Siblings nod] Ja. Good, now, plant yourselves on ze couch there. [the Warner Siblings jump onto the couch and literally sprout up into flowers] I said, no more jokes!

This isn't a joke, it's a visual gag.

Well, no more jokes, gags, or monkey stuff.

Define monkey stuff.

Yeah, THE MONKEY STUFF! THE MONKEY STUFF! You know, you walks around like a silly monkey. [acting like a monkey] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Und' you be all goofy like a monkey. Zat is the monkey stuff.

Wakko

Maybe you should see a p-sy-chiatrist.

I am a p-sych-...uh. I mean, a psychiatrist! EUH! [while he paces back and forth, the Warner Siblings follow him, copying him, walking like Ancient Egyptians, and as a British tourist group] Ah... I know vhat you kids vant, ja! You vant to talk to Mr. Puppethead! [pulls out a hand puppet resembling him] Hello kids, I'm Mr. Puppethead! Tell me vhy you always make the jokes. [the Warners look at the puppet awkwardly] Vhy aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No, no, it iz very easy. Watch me, watch me. [clears throat] Hello, Mr. Puppethead, how are you? I am fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you? I am fine, Mr. Puppethead. Did you have a yummy breakfast? Oh yes, yes! Very yummy, thank you. How was your breakfast? My breakfast was yummy as vell. [to the Warner siblings] Now you see? Isn't that easy?

Uhmm...are you sure you don't want to see a p-sychiatrist?

I am a p-sychi- I mean psychiatrist! [tearing at his hair with the puppet] I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM!

Mr. Puppethead's hungry.

Now, then, Yakko, let us do a little word association, hmm? I'll say a word, und you say any word that you think of. Any word that comes to mind.

Brain.

No, no. We haven't started.

Begun.

No, wait.

Yield.

No, stop!

Cease.

SILENCE!

Quiet.

ENOUGH!

Plenty.

Would - You - Please - Listen?!

Hear.

NO, YOU STUPID KID! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!

Comprehend.

[screams in frustration and carries Yakko to the door] Get out, get out, GET OUT!

Leave, leave, leave.

[kicks him out and slams the door, huffing and puffing] THOSE KIDS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!

[pops his head through the door] Insane, unhinged, demented.

Und zis is how it's been. Zey's always driving me kooky in the kopf, und they're still not de-zanitized. Am I crazy, doctor? [turns to see in shock] Huuuh!

[in a German accent] You are suffering from acute Warneritis.

AAH! [literally blasts off into Outer Space like a rocket ship, leaving a hole shaped like himself in the ceiling, and blasting all the way to Mars. He crashes upon landing on Mars]

[in a normal voice] Was it something I said?

And now, the nations of the world, brought to you by Yakko Warner!

[singing] United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru, Republic Dominican, Cuba, Caribbean, Greenland, El Salvador, too. Puerto Rico, Colombia, Venezuela, Honduras, Guyana, and still, Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina, and Ecuador, Chile, Brazil. Costa Rica, Belize, Nicaragua, Bermuda, Bahamas, Tobago, San Juan, Paraguay, Uruguay, Suriname, and French Guiana, Barbados, and Guam. Norway, and Sweden, and Iceland, and Finland, and Germany, now in one piece, Switzerland, Austria, Czechoslovakia, Italy, Turkey, and Greece. Poland, Romania, Scotland, Albania, Ireland, Russia, Oman, Bulgaria, Saudi Arabia, Hungary, Cyprus, Iraq, and Iran. There's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan, Both Yemens, Kuwait, and Bahrain, The Netherlands, Luxembourg, Belgium, and Portugal, France, England, Denmark, and Spain. India, Pakistan, Burma, Afghanistan, Thailand, Nepal, and Bhutan, Kampuchea, Malaysia, then Bangladesh, Asia, and China, Korea, Japan. Mongolia, Laos, and Tibet, Indonesia, The Philippine Islands, Taiwan, Sri Lanka, New Guinea, Sumatra, New Zealand, Then Borneo, and Vietnam. Tunisia, Morocco, Uganda, Angola, Zimbabwe, Djibouti, Botswana, Mozambique, Zambia, Swaziland, Gambia, Guinea, Algeria, Ghana. Burundi, Lesotho, and Malawi, Togo, The Spanish Sahara is gone, Niger, Nigeria, Chad, and Liberia, Egypt, Benin, and Gabon. Tanzania, Somalia, Kenya, and Mali, Sierra Leone, and Algiers, Dahomey, Namibia, Senegal, Libya, Cameroon, Congo, Zaire. Ethiopia, Guinea-Bissau, Madagascar, Rwanda, Mahore and Cayman, Hong Kong, Abu Dhabi, Qatar, Yugoslavia...Crete, Mauritania, then Transylvania, Monaco, Liechtenstein, Malta, and Palestine, Fiji, Australia, Sudan!

[written and spoken] Bern, Switzerland, 1905, home of cheese, clocks, chocolate and neutrality... but mostly chocolate.

[singing] Open your doors and buy our cookies. Yodel-idel-adel-adel-yadel-odel-eee, support the scouts, get out your wallets Yodel-idel-adel-adel-yadel-odel-eee!

Wakko

[singing] Yodel-eh-hi-hu! Yodel-uh-ha-ha! Yodel-eh-hi-hee! Yodel-idel-adel-yadel-yodle-diddle-dodle-doodle doba-dee-dee! [spoken] Sorry, it's the chocolate talking.

[walking by while carrying a tray full of mugs with hot chocolate] Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate.

Wakko

Helloooo Swiss nurse, miss! [starts walking towards her]

[grabs him] Oh no you don't. We've got cookies to sell. Well scouts, there it is. [the scene reveals a house with a blue door and some windows on it] The last house in the city. [they walk to the house] And we only need to sell one more box of cookies to get our merit badges.

Dot

[reads the name of the mailbox] "Albert Einstein". He sounds dreamy.

If the sun is P, and gravity is H, it makes a ppphhhhh. No no no no, the theory of relativity has escaped me! Why can't I get it?! WHY?! [the Doorbell rings and he turns to the door] Oh! This better be important, I'm thinking about black holes. [the Warners are standing at his house as he opens the door]

Like blackheads? You must be a dermatologist.

I am not. I am Albert Einstein, world-famous physicist.

Oh. I've never had a cyst, but Wakko's got a wart you can look at.

[looks at it] Eww. Vat do you kids want?

Wakko

You wanna buy a yummy box of kids scout cookies? [gets a green box of cookies and he hands it to Einstein]

Cookies? Vat would I do with cookies?

Dot

Ya eat 'em, silly moustache man. Woah, dumber than advertised.

No I don't want cookies. I'm trying to unlock the mysteries of the universe! Now be good little scouts, and run away! [shuts the door]

Wakko

[sits on the steps] Goodbye, merit badges.

Dot

Oh, oh! My heart aches with the sorrow of a thousand scouts. No merit badge, I mourn my loss. [sobs into her hands]

[claps along with Wakko] Say, those acting classes are really paying off.

Dot

Think so?

Don't worry siblings, we'll sell that nice man a box of cookies or die trying... or try dying, or do some tie dying! [gets a tie dye shirt, while Wakko and Dot clap]

And now, to measure the speed of light. [turns on the lightbulb] Boy, that's quick. [gets off his chair and walks to the chalkboard and he turns it around, while the Warners are standing] OH!

Hello! [they jump out of the chalkboard and kiss Einstein]

[grossed out] Phht!

Dot

Well how about it, kid? Want some cookies?

No, no, no, no cookies!

How about a chia pet? [shows one from hand]

No! I- oh, look at that! [the chia pet grows] Oh it's got little fuzzy grass. Well- [realizing what he is doing] no I can't, I can't! Don't you understand?! I can't be disturbed! I'm trying to figure out an equation that explains the universe!

Shouldn't you stick to skin disorders?

I am not a dermatologist!

Alright, alright, we get the picture! If you don't want any cookies, then just leave.

I'm not going to leave, this is my house.

Alright then, you leave.

Fine. [looks at him walking out of his own house, while Wakko jumps on an X-ray and Dot watches him as he opens and slams the door. As Einstein walks outside of his house, he stops, realizing that he's been duped] Grrrrrr! [goes back inside, then kicks Yakko, Wakko and Dot out the house and shuts the door]

Wakko

Now what?

Now, it's time for the hard sell.

No more disruptions. [turns to the windows and pulls the first one, then the second one, then the third one has Yakko, Wakko and Dot on it]

Hello!

Aargh! [runs to the green chair and hides] YOU!

No, this is a "ewe". [takes a female sheep called an ewe] We're just plain old us.

[about to cry] Why won't you leave me alone?

Boy, have we got a deal for you! For a limited time only, when you buy our cookies, we'll throw in the amazing Acme pocket-fisherman! [a comically small fisherman waves at the audience. He then hands a fishing pole, a tackle box, and a cabin shower] The pocket-fisherman comes complete with fishing pole, tackle box and potty. He may be small, but he eats.

Dot

But wait, there's more. You'll also get the amazing Acme hair magnet. [Wakko carries a magnet that reads ACME, and Einstein's hair raises up. Dot has a comb and Yakko has a brush; they both have spraying cans] A unique solution to fine limp hair!

Wakko

[has a camera and hides as he takes a photo] Smile! [the camera flashes and he holds the photo] You didn't smile.

To get the cookies, pocket-fisherman and hair magnet, here's how to order. [pulls the screen]

Dot

[sit on a chair and breaks the 4th wall] Hi, I'm Dot, an operator here at Acme. Order now, and we'll also throw in "Unexplained Mysteries of Fudge". Call now.

Wakko

[wears a red shirt and some black pants, then holds a calculator; in his Scottish accent] I don't think he can take much more, captain. He's about to blow.

I guess you really don't want any cookies, huh?

How can I eat cookies when the theory of relativity has escaped me?! It's all wrong! All wrong! [erases the chalkboard and wents to his desk, while Yakko, Wakko and Dot look at Einstein as he sits on his chair] I am a failure. Einstein is a dummy. Stupid Einstein dummy-boy.

[look impressed, and huddle in a whisper] Hey, Einstein! [singing] Whenever we're feeling blue, here's what we always do. When your face is long, sing the Acme song, you'll feel so fresh and new!

[runs to the chalkboard and draws some letters; singing] There's the A that's first, there's a C that's next, there's an M you're almost done. There's the E, it's last, now spell it out: A-C-M-E, that's fun.

Wakko

[spoken] Now, backwards! [singing] There's the E that's last, there's the M, it's next, There's C, you're almost done. There's the A, it's first, what's first is last. E-M-C-A, we're done.

[walks up to the chalkboard; spoken] Pretty good, Wakko, but your A always looks like a 2.

That's it! That's it! The theory of relativity, E equals MC squared! Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared! You kids is geniuses! E equals MC squared! [the scene changes to his house] E equals MC squared! [the scene changes to the City of Bern, Switzerland] E equals MC squared!

The nobel prize in physics goes to Albert Einstein and the Warner Brothers.

Dot

And the Warner sister.

Hey, it's no merit badge, but it'll do.

It's that time again.

Dot

To get our rabies shot?

Wakko

To make bubbles with our spit?

No. It's time to learn the day's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to... the Wheel of Morality! [a carnival wheel with attached printer slides into view; he spins it] Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. [it stops; printer outputs a page] Moral number two. And the moral of today's story is... [reading] "If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents."

Wakko

How deep.

I don't know about you, but I'm touched.

Dot

In the head. [the sound of a whistle startles all three]

Yikes!

Arggh! [Yakko, Wakko and Dot have fishing poles, throw them away and then show banner, it reads, WISH YOU WERE WERE; throws the telescope away] Rarr! [hops to his harpoon and sits on his chair then shoots the harpoon but it missed the Warners. He grabs the grip with a big, huge shark and gasps. He laughs and sends the shark back.] Phew. [turns around to see the Warner dressed up like pirates]

Arr!

Arr!

Wakko

Arr!

Dot

Arr!

Wakko

Arr! Yarr! Arr, Arr, Arr! Yarr!

Too big.

Wakko

Arr.

Better.

I'll teach you three scallawags to mess with the likes of me. [walks away, opens the door, then comes back with a treasure chest with weapons] Choose your weapon.

Okay.

[dazed] How did ye do that?

Aah, you mean with the big comedy cannon? You really wanna know?

Arr.

I'll take that as a yes. [zips away and Wakko and Dot bring a chair and Captain Mel sits on it. They grab two dust Ostrich Feather Dust Cleaning Brushes to clean him. They stopped and Yakko skid and they spin. Yakko, Wakko and Dot are back to their original clothes; singing] I Am the Very Model of a Cartoon Individual. My animation's comical, unusual and whimsical. I'm quite adept at funny gags, comedic theory I have read from wicked puns and stupid jokes to anvils that drop on your head. I'm very good at fancy dances, I can even pirouette then smack the villain with a fish, I know my cartoon etiquette. I can make my face all mean and really give you quite a fright. Aah! Then make up with flowers made of real exploding dynamite. [they run down the stairs, while Captain Mel chases them] When in a jam, I just yell, "Stop!" and villains in their tracks are froze. Then I sneak up, and utter "Start!" and take their hands and honk their nose. I am quite proud to be in such a hierarchical progeny from Daffy Duck and Tweety Bird to Babs and Buster Bunny. [pulls a lever with four pictures on them. Daffy Duck, Tweety Bird, Babs Bunny and Buster Bunny. Daffy gets a Hammer and hits Captain Mel. He falls into the chair] To suit my mood, I can call forth a lot of different sceneries like outer space and desert scapes and Himalayan eateries from this bag here, why, I can pull most anything imaginable like office desks and lava lights and Bert who is a cannibal! [pulls Bert, a cannibal wearing a necklace and a hula skirt and some brown shoes]

[singing] You see in matters comical, unusual and whimsical, We are the very model of cartoon individuals!

[singing] The crankiest of creatures in the whole wide world. Our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!

Slappy

[opens the door] Enough with the singin' already![closes the door.]

[singing] That's Slappy!

Out! Out, you incompetent FOOLS! You call yourselves artists?! [puts a "Painters wanted" sign on the door] You just can't get good help these days. [goes back inside. The camera trucks in on the "Painters wanted" sign. High-angle shot of Michelangelo walking over to three peasants] And you! How can I work with all you peasants kneeling and mumbling?!

But, Michelangelo, this is a church.

Oh, that explains that infernal bell ringing.

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

QUIET! [slams the door. Quasimodo shrugs. Michelangelo goes up the ladder] I must be finished with my great masterpiece tonight, before His Eminence arrives. But I fired all my assistants. I'm alone! ALL ALONE! [sobs intensely] Oh, heavenly muse, send me some help!

It's Yakko and Wakko, and our sister, Dot!