Roger quotes from American Dad!

Steve

Please tell me you didn't have anything to do with A.J.'s accident.

Roger

Let's just say that as far as us winning the talent show goes, the bar was just lowered.

Steve

That, uh... that's not the most convincing denial.

Roger

The show must go on.

Klaus

A-Am I early for book club?

Roger

No, you're late! And that's two weeks in a row! You're out!

Klaus

I didn't read it anyway.

Snot

Hanukkah's always been second fiddle to Christmas. We don't have any catchy songs or Santa. This is a tough time of the year for us.

Roger

[as Uncle Roger] Are there, or have there ever been, other tough times for Jewish people?

Snot

Yes.

Roger

Jingle bells, Santa smells, everything's so lame/Christmastime is such a grind. Hey, don't push me away. Hey!

Snot

Jingle bells, I'm unwell, watching others play/They have fun but I am bummed because Santa skips my place

Roger

Crashing through the mall, 'cause I'm driving while I'm baked/But I don't care at all

Snot

I was crying the whole way

Roger

Ha! Ha! Ha!/See that Christmas tree, all those kids in line/All we see is red and green and a few ugly hate crimes

Snot

Oh, jingle bells, hear me yell, Jewish gifts are dumb/What's in the box? Oh, it's just socks and not a paintball gun

Roger

Jingle bells, this is hell, Hanukkah's so lame/Compared to this, it's like a bris, just chop my dick away!

Snot

Just chop!

Roger

Just chop!

Just chop my dick away!

Snot

That's the Star of David.

Roger

David? Screw that guy! Wait, should I screw that guy? [to an elf] Put out some feelers to David, see if he's DTF.

Snot

Yeah. David is not DTF, because he's been dead for 4,000 years.

Roger

Done worse. [whispers] I fucked a chicken.

Stan

Francine. Celery? Those better be giant gummy celeries, or I'm gonna have a full meltdown.

Francine

Sorry, I didn't get to the market yesterday. Stan, you'd tell me if you were a lizard, right?

Stan

Okay, I'll bite. What in God's name are you talking about?

Francine

Roger's hosting Conspiracy Con in the attic.

Stan

That's what going on up there? I assumed those creeps were here for a Roger sex thing.

Roger

Don't beat yourself up, Stan. We're also having sex. [he pulls a box of aluminum foil out of one of the kitchen drawers] The electro-radiation booth's running low on foil. [chuckling] Those guys use it for everything. The condoms hurt like hell, but I'm not ready to be a mother.

Roger

Careful. Nice and easy. Slowly. Real careful-like.

[yelling] I KNOW!

Roger

Eyes on the egg! Don't get distracted!

Steve

You're not gonna get away with this! I snuck on a walkie-talkie and alerted the other Protectors.

Roger

How did you sneak on a walkie-talkie? I did repeated full-cavity searches!

Steve

It was in my pocket.

Steve

The teacher here is supposed to be the most intense and demanding instructor in all of clowning, and--[immediate realization hits him] shit, it's Roger, isn't it? It's gonna be Roger.

Roger

Alright, jagoffs. The name's H.J. Rimmens. Look to your left. Look to your right. By the end of the semester, 60% of you will be dead by your own hand. The rest will be clowns, ya dig?

Steve

Okay, I'm outta here.

Roger

[checks clipboard] Huh. I'm-- I'm a little confused, because you said here on your application you wanted to be a clown.

Steve

[whispers] More than anything.

Roger

So what's your gooch? [to the other students] "Gooch" is horncorn for clown name. "Horncorn" is horncorn for clown lingo. Gonna be honkin' a lot of horncorn around here, ya dig? [to Steve] So what's your gooch, kid?

Steve

Dimples.

Roger

Dimples? Pretty buckety gooch, don't ya think? [to students] More horncorn. [chuckles, then turns back to Steve] Relax, just sliding your whistle. Why don't you show us what you got?

Steve

I...uh...

Roger

Come on man, no pressure. Just lay a little jape on these cats. Whatever you got. No big.

Roger

Fart was a nice touch. Smells, too. Ladies and gentleman, we could be looking at the next Emmet Kelly... [Steve smiles] of sucking!

Steve

[disappointed] Ohh.

Roger

That's right, you nut-lickin' little turds! I ain't here to hold your hands! I'm here to play mind games and emotionally abuse you into being clowns! [he kicks on the the balls, it bounces off a wall offscreen and hits his crotch, he falls over in pain] That's clowning, you shitheads!

Roger

Well, kid... you suck...

Steve

[disappointed] Mm.

Roger

...ceded beautifully...

Steve

[hopefully] Mm?

Roger

...at being god-awful...

Steve

[disappointed] Mm.

Roger

...is the opposite of how I feel.

Steve

[hopefully] ...Mm?

Roger

Psych! You stink, and I hate you. [Roger pulls Steve down by his bowtie and speaks directly into his face] Now get this through your skull, man, 'cause I don't play mind games. You will never be a clown.

Roger

You got potential, kid, and you can't teach that. You know what? I host a little retreat every summer at my house on Block Island for just a handful of my most promising students. No real structure, we just honk a little buffoonery, lay some japes, blow each other-- you know, clown stuff. And I think you could make the cut.

Steve

Really?

Roger

If you push yourself to the absolute limit. [a goofy ringtone plays, and Roger pulls out his phone] Uhp, I gotta take this. It's my ac-clown-tant. You know, a clown-accountant. He's got this giant calculator that only ever adds up to "boobs." Pretty funny, but frankly, I think he's been stealing from me.

Klaus

So many people dead. Breaking Bad is depressing!

Steve

For the saps who watch the show in regular order!

Roger

Yep... for us "reversos", and Christian Scientists, I think, death is but the beginning of the story.

Roger

Steve was right to hold out for something better.

Hayley

Why? What's he got going on?

Roger

He's going to Rhode Island with Stan, see the Harlem Globetrotters.

Francine

Goddamn Klaus.

Francine

People are actually watching this?

Klaus

Hundreds!

Hayley

And you can make money from it?

Klaus

Thousands!

Roger

It'll take more than just shouting numbers to get me on board.

Klaus

Millions!

Roger

Well, you called my bluff. I'm in.

Roger

How did you know what I would do and say?

Steve

That's where I come in. I wrote over 1,800 pages of dialogue to account for any possibility. We spent months rehearsing to make sure we got the performances just right.

Vikram threatened to walk out multiple times.

Steve

But Vikram killed it.