Roger quotes from American Dad!

Stan

So now I'm gonna be bald forever, and I'm gonna be a better man in your eyes for it.

Francine

No, not really.

Stan

What?

Hayley

It doesn't matter to us if you've got hair.

Roger

Yeah Stan, I'm bald and I made out with your wife.

Stan

What?!

Roger

[as women become robots and turn into a spinning cube] You got to be kidding me! H.P. said "No more sci-fi stuff!"

Stan

When will you people realize that [shouting] ROBOTS ARE EROTIC?

Steve

Scotty?

Roger

That's my new nickname for you... your favorite Star Trek character!

Steve

What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

Steve

See. Thanks to Roger, Etan will think someone's trying to steal the gifts from the car. But that's just a misdirection; the real gifts we're after are the ones in his jacket.

Roger

[whispers to Barry] Scams make me so horny. (Barry looks worried)

Roger

Glock?

Stan

Check.

Roger

Kevlar vest?

Stan

Check.

Roger

Thing you should do to yourself before you wreck yourself?

Stan

Check.

Steve

Oh my God! Dad!

Roger

Wait, he's still breathing. Stan, are you trying to kill yourself or thrill yourself?

Hayley

So, how'd the big night turn out?

Roger

It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close. Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand. Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.

Hayley

Wow. That actually does sound really good.

Roger

Yeah. I'd like that too.

Stan

[about Francine] God she scared me, you see that I almost punched her in the face!

Roger

Stan, remember the first rule of every wedding is that the bride is beautiful. The second rule you can find on my website. You have be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone -- I could get into a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out you need clear your history right away; you may have to uninstall your browser. I'm telling you scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not: they will take us both to jail.

Stan

Oh, my God! Roger is my hero!

Roger

Stan, who the hell are you talking to? Are you just sitting in the dark watching me? Oh God, were you yanking it over my sleeping form? Oh you sick -- (notices lipstick marks all over his body): What the? (pulls back the covers to reveal a naked, sleeping fat woman): You always get what you want, doncha, Helen? Bravo.

Y'all have enough time?

Roger

I'll have two eggs – one over easy, one over medium – three sausage links, a cup of cottage cheese with a drizzle of honey, a fruit cup – unless it's mostly honeydew melon, in which case skip it and make it half a grapefruit, a glass of whole milk over ice and a side of toast, barely browned – closer to bread than toast, I'm not joking – with as many local jams as you have in stock. Oh, and a Bloody Mary.

We don't serve alcohol.

Roger

You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!

Stan

Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.

Roger

[another buzz] Zots!

Stan

Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.

Roger

[laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.

Hayley

Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.

Klaus

[laughing] Oh!

Roger

Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.

Steve

Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.

Roger

I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!

Francine

Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.

Roger

I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy.

Francine

I just feel so sorry for those poor actors.

Stan

What is this?

Roger

Your dream restaurant. Roger's Laotian Adventure.

Stan

What about my scale model?

Roger

Stan, it took quite a bit of doing...but I managed to wipe my butt with it.

Stan

Francine, touch me.

Francine

What?

Stan

Touch me. It'll provide us with all the warmth we need. I saw it on Man vs. Wild. That feels amazing.

Francine

I'm not touching you.

Roger

I am.

Stan

That feels amazing.

Stan

This is Sparta!

Roger

This is Sparta!

Stan

This is Sparta!

Roger

This is Sparta!

[off-screen] This is Sparta!

Roger

Shut up Jimmy, you don't know what we're doing!