Roger quotes from American Dad!

Francine

[as Stan destroys all of Christmas decorations] Stan Smith! Is this your idea of a good Christmas? Destroying your children's presents and terrifying Roger?

Roger

[peeks out behind the couch] Is it over?

Stan

[as Roger panics, now bald] He took my hair!

Roger

He took my land!

Francine

I told you it was complicated.

Roger

No, no, no, changing planes at O'Hare is complicated. Th-this is... th-this is just... Frannie, what is this?

Stan

Too close to my mother?! How dare you! I'm all she's got!

Roger

Yeah, Francine, it's the man's mother, for God's sake! What is wrong with her?

Francine

But you were the one who said we should talk to him!

Roger

Yeah, about the possibility of switching from cable to dish! I didn't know I was gonna get dragged into your psychodrama! I vote dish, by the way.

Stan

Let go of me! This is stupid!

Roger

[as a psychiatrist] You're stupid! I'm sorry, that was unprofessional. I've been a bit consumed with one of my other patients. He's a complicated teenaged drug addict who's being molested... by me.

[Crying after abusing Roger]

Roger

Hey, hey, don't worry. We all make mistakes. I once took down the better part of a bottle of amaretto and busted a growler at a museum donation box.

Stan

[after finding the photo of Roger in the paper] How did this happen?

Roger

I have no idea. I leave the house in disguise, but six Rob Roys later, things happen that I can't be responsible for. Like buying this puzzle. Why the hell did I buy this puzzle?

Roger

I hate puppies! Get out of that tea cup! That cup is for tea!

Roger

What's your name?

Stan

[through clenched teeth] Stan.

Roger

Hmm, I already know a "Stan". I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee.

Roger

Today, Mortimer James!

Roger

I add his middle name when I'm dissapointed in him.

Stan

(holding a bag of snacks) There's a leopard on the Cheetos bag! (gets a closer look) WAIT... it's a cheetah! Chee-TAH... Chee-TOS... There's... so much beauty in the world...

Roger

Why do my wrists hurt?!

Stan

(turns to reveal a prone Roger) Because you're lying on them.

Roger

How can you hear what I'm thinking?

Francine

[to the painting] That was bought with dirty money!

Roger

[as Francine rips the picture of Hayley's nudity apart] Ah! My art! You destroyed my drawing of Hayley!

Stan

Puberty.

Francine

Our worst nightmare.

Stan

The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.

Stan

Hey, what are you doing?

Francine

[pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.

Stan

Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.

Francine

Barely.

Hayley

Whaddaya mean, "Every month"?!

Francine

Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.

Hayley

[throws the tampon at Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]

No! [she sits]

Hayley

I'm hideous!

Francine

Honey, you can't even see it.

Stan

It's pretty.

Roger

[enters the room with a box of French fries and a soda] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?

You're familiar with the first line of "Genesis", right?

Well! I should say I am, sir. I should say I am!

Does this sound right? "In the beginning God created the Heavens and a transvestite who pooped mozzarella dinosaurs."

Stan

Do you have any men's wigs?

Roger

Well I got a David Spade/Ellen DeGeneres, I dunno if it's clean.

Hey look, it's Owen Wilson!

Hayley

That was so close! I think he's onto us!

Roger

Get in your suitcase and don't come out until you hear me say "I'm done, go clean up, you disgust me."

Francine

Oh my neck is killing me—being trapped in this room is stressing me out.

Roger

Look, Frannie, I know you're hurting. I just want you to know I'm here for you andKAH!

Francine

Oh my God. ...I think you fixed it! [collapses] Oohhugh...

Hayley

Mom?

Roger

I don't understand, this shoulda worked! I learned that move from a chiropractor in his van in the alley behind the 7-Eleve—oh boy, I think I raped a guy.