Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Roger

Stan? What are you doing here?

Stan

Roger? You sell sperm too?

Roger

Sell?

Stan

That's it, we're hanging out. If you're going to kill anyone in this family, it's going to be only Francine.

Steve

What?!

Francine

Don't talk back to your father.

So, uh, which boy is yours?

Stan

The hot one, duh.

Stan

You don't tell Steve about this, and I won't tell Klaus you're the one that broke his Dilbert mug.

Francine

[quickly agreeing] Okay, deal, deal.

Steve

Is that why you were acting so weird?

Stan

Weird?! How?

Steve

Stabbing me comes to mind!

Stan

[takes the knife from Steve] You're just never gonna let me live that down, are you? Come on, look, getting stabbed is not that big a deal. See? Bop! [stabs himself] See? Nothing! [continues stabbing every time he says "bop"] Bop bop bop bop! No biggie. Do it in the back. Bop bop! I'm fine, see? Few more? Bop bop bop!

Hayley

You never left. You've been on a psychedelic trip for 24 hours.

Klaus

But you were never alone. I saw to that, bro.

Hayley

Dad, we only have 20 minutes to get you to the DJ battle.

Stan

So...I didn't beat Bullock.

Klaus

No, Stan. You were just humming the Cheers theme song and shitting yourself.

Stan

Well, well, well.

Klaus

Dad!

Stan

No. Looks like you got it all figured out.

Steve

W-W-Why are you doing this to us?

Stan

[imitating Steve's quivering to start off] W-W-W-W-W-W-W-why, why, why, why? Because you guys can't give me one decent day, no matter how many chances I give you!

Francine

Chances? What are you talking about?

[as the "alarm" Stan has set goes off at 5AM] Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie comin' at ya...

Steve

[opens his curtains, revealing snow on the window] Dad's been tricking us into reliving Father's Day every day for six months! [Hayley and Francine gasp]

Francine

[pissed off at this revelation] You brainwashed us?!

Stan

Oh, of course, make it about you! Well, since you won't remember this anyway, I'll get everything out of my system so I can wake up tomorrow without being so cheesed off! [sees Steve's lip quivering] Go ahead, Steve, cry! It'd be weirder if ya didn't! [Hayley gasps] Go ahead, Hayley, gasp. It'd be weirder if ya didn't!

Francine

Stan, enough!

Stan

[really losing it now] SINCE WHEN IS ANYTHING ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?! For the last 20 years, you just sit around and wait for me to bring home money. "I need rugs! I need bananas!"

Francine

Stan, stop before you say something you'll regret.

Stan

Oh, I haven't even STARTED! [as "Scatman" plays to block the dialogue, Stan unleashes a vicious and truly venomous speech about his family's faults; judging by the movements, he criticizes Francine for her pompousness and excessive alcoholism, Hayley for her near-incessant use of marijuana, and finally Steve for his immaturity and frequent masturbation]

Hayley

It turns out the only thing that makes you a good dad is being a guilty dad.

Stan

Yeah! And that's the true meaning of Father's Day.

Steve

NO!!

Hayley

That's just a character flaw!

Stan

Noticing my flaws... and my strengths. Is that the true meaning of Father's Day?

Steve

Dad, I'll explain it all in the back of that guy's pickup.

Stan

[reviewing Steve's script] This still doesn't feel like a guaranteed "A". Atlantic Ocean? Pacific's bigger. Steve's teacher will find that much more impressive.

Steve

I think maybe he'll care a little bit more about historical accuracy.

Stan

Uh... if I didn't care about historical accuracy, would I have stolen the actual Spirit of St. Louis from the Smithsonian?

Steve

What?!

Stan

The toughest part was convincing the guard I came in with it.

Hayley

Why don't you come down to the yoga and meditation center with me? I think it could really help you learn to love yourself.

Roger

I love myself all the time. At least once in the morning, and usually right before I go to sleep.

Hayley

Well, it sounds like your afternoon's wide open.

Roger

Yeah, we can go right after I jerk off.

Steve

Should should we turn on the TV?

Francine

I hope you guys are hungry, because I got us dinner reservations! We're gonna try something new and exciting. Sushi.

Stan

Geez, Francine, we just tried stromboli two years ago. Can you let us catch our damn breath?

Francine

Oh, please, Stan. You know I've been wanting to get more culture in our lives.

Stan

Culture? I thought you said you wanted more vulture in our lives. Fine, I'll go, but you'll have to figure out what to do with these gentlemen.

It's alright we've got tickets for the theater, and if we don't leave now, we shall miss the curtain. I'll have Marcus bring up the car.

Marcus is another bird.

Roger

I'm so nervous Hayley What if everyone notices me and calls me names? What if one of the names is Piss Head?

Stan

Ah, Saturday afternoon TV. Where the sneaky networks hide all the good shows. [changes channel] A guy with question marks on his suit yelling tax secrets at me. [changes channel] Rick Steves' Glory Hole in Europe. [changes channel] And of course, the secret final episode of Caroline in the City.

Now the city is mine!

Stan

Still holds up!

Roger

Well, suck me off through a hole and call me Rick Steves, what is this?

Steve

It's Baywatch. You've never seen Baywatch?

Francine

You like this, Roger?

Roger

Franny, I like the smell of gasoline. I like to play with Stan's ding-a-ling while he sleeps. This... this I love!

Stan

Wait, wh-what was that second thing?

Stan

The way the dashboard and the windshield smush the hash browns together with the sausage...

Steve

We should call 'em "dash browns."

Stan

You just think of that?

Steve

Just now.

Stan

Francine. Celery? Those better be giant gummy celeries, or I'm gonna have a full meltdown.

Francine

Sorry, I didn't get to the market yesterday. Stan, you'd tell me if you were a lizard, right?

Stan

Okay, I'll bite. What in God's name are you talking about?

Francine

Roger's hosting Conspiracy Con in the attic.

Stan

That's what going on up there? I assumed those creeps were here for a Roger sex thing.

Roger

Don't beat yourself up, Stan. We're also having sex. [he pulls a box of aluminum foil out of one of the kitchen drawers] The electro-radiation booth's running low on foil. [chuckling] Those guys use it for everything. The condoms hurt like hell, but I'm not ready to be a mother.

I heard it! Play it again, you coward!

Stan

I'm not a coward, Francine.

Francine

Then let's blow it together, outlaw. [They kiss while playing the clarinet]

Steve

Every year.