Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

Roger? Where did you learn to skate?

Roger

On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.

Francine

This is the first time in twenty winters we've done anything together, and now you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?

Stan

Well, honey, I-

Francine

I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!

Stan

Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.

Roger

I want a popcorn maker for my attic.

Stan

Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.

Steve

What the hell was that?! You said "SJP" was a sure thing!

Roger

I don't understand, SJP is in the new Spielberg movie; it's gonna be huge!

Steve

What are you talking about?! SJP is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company!

Roger

You mean it's... not Sarah Jessica Parker?

Steve

What?! No!

Roger

Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?

Steve

No!

Roger

Oh... Then what is all this?

Steve

This is the New York Stock Exchange!

Roger

Like in the movie Wall Street? I thought that was Hollywood make-believe, like children of every color being at the same McDonald's.

Steve

But back home, you said you were about to make a fortune in silver!

Roger

Ron Silver!

Roger

We're gonna make through this. We still have twenty bucks. In this town, with our brains, we'll turn it into a millions in no time. [turns to the kiosk behind him] I'll have the new issue of Cherry, and keep the change, my good man.

Steve

Roger!

Roger

Steve, it's a special big butts collector's issue; someday it'll be worth a fortune. Now we play the waiting game.

Stan

Honey, it's been three weeks; maybe we should... start..planning Steve's funeral. [Francine get a reaction and throws plate onto floor in response]

Francine

I WANTED TO GO GET HIM! I WANTED TO BRING HIM INSIDE! BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET ME! OUR BABY'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Stan

[close to tears] Don't you think I know that?!

Stan

Ah, the lighting of the town Christmas tree- can you think of anything more American?

Steve

An American flag?

Stan

Or. Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars! Ooh, that would make a good cake. [pulls out personal tape recorder] Note to self: I like cake.

Lets talk about it over dinner. Say...my place?

Stan

Lets talk about it over your brains. Say...all over the place? Ha Ha. Fantastic.

I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.

Stan Smith

What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.

Look, everything happens for a reason.

Stan Smith

What reason could there be?

Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.

Stan Smith

What?

[laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.

Stan Smith

We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!

Not gonna happen.

Stan Smith

You have to!

Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?

Stan Smith

No. Yes. I don't know.

Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.

Stan Smith

I don't do that!

Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I can't think of a metaphor that's better than this.

Francine

You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.

Stan

You made all this in one day?

Francine

That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Steve

Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?

Stan

[wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Francine

Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...

Stan

Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but please, keep going.

Francine

Oh, just forget it!

Stan

Great call, Francine.

Stan

I have to kill Klaus before he steals Francine, there's no time to loose!

That'll be three dollars.

Stan

What? That's a total rip, I'll park it myself.

Stan

Grrr!

Stan

All I have is a five.

Sorry, I don't have change.

Stan

Oh forget it, I'll park it myself!

Stan

Uh-uh-uh-eraaaaaaggh!!

Stan

I can't believe you're still upset. It's been a week.

Francine

You called me a pig.

Stan

I didn't say you were a pig. I said that dress made you look like a pig. And those shoes didn't help. All your fat, sweaty toes shoved in there like 20 Hondurans stuffed in a giant... shoe.

Steve Smith

Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illuminati?

Stan Smith

Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!

Steve

Now the world will never know the truth.

Stan

If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.

Steve

That's it!

Stan

Who's the boob? It that what you call me behind my back?

Francine

It's just a nickname, honey. It doesn't mean anything. It's like fatty or baby penis.

Steve

[referencing to Stan] What a boob.

Stan

What was that, Steve?

Steve

Um, I... asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.

Stan

I love it when you kids get along.