[Raquel doorbells from outside]
When will it all stop? I need my rest.
ALF, do we have to go into the kitchen?
Where have you been keeping him? [runs up to ALF] There he is! [laughs] I laugh just looking at you.
[laughs] Mr. Shumway, would you be willing to come over and meet my bridge club? They all adore you.
Look, any other time, I would have said "yes." But I have a life now.
[laughs] I love this funny man. Well, would you at least autograph a picture for me?
Brian! I don't do my own autographs. But I will touch the photo. [Brian gives Raquel a photo]
Well, I'd better get back. Thank you, Mr. Shumway.
Yeah. You're welcome. Check her for money and get her out of here.
[laughs] He ad-libbed for me! [laughs] Oh, I hope to see you around. Save me a fur ball. [leaves the house]
Well, I'm off to the track. I thought I'd fritter away some more of my money. [laughs]
But what about the, lifetime achievement award you're being given tonight? Shouldn't you be working on your acceptance speech?
I'll wing it. Oh, and sorry I didn't invite you to the ceremony. But you know why that is.
Because once, we said you weren't funny.
That's right. Now, you know where you belong.
WKWillie and Kate
The attic.
And don't touch my things!
[Willie and Kate head to the attic]
[talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.
[he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!
Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.
Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.
Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.
You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]
[does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!
No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.
[while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.
Not bad. Do it again. And this time, try to show a little leg.
ALF, I'm auditioning for Joan of Arc. I don't really think that would be appropriate. Just tell me if I've got the lines right.
Okay, but I'm telling you, it would be a lot funnier if you were holding a rubber chicken.
Well, not the way you're doing it. Hey, I've got a great idea! When they strike the first torch grab your big toe and hop around yelling, hot foot, hot foot!
You're tied to a piece of meat and you don't see the humor in that?
Well, then you might want to consider a couple of well placed tassels.
[while eating popcorn and watching TV] I'll, do us all a favor. Take 20 bucks out and get your tooth cleaned.[the phone rings and he answers it] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?
Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.
Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?
Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.
Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.
MMargaret
[offscreen] Honey?
Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]
But, Neal, wait! Don't- hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.
[pops his head up and becomes nosy during Neal's date] You really stepped in it this time, Neal.
Have you gone crazy? What are you doing here?
I came to see Rickles. I came to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Again.
Do Willie and Kate know you're here?
Yeah, yeah. I had a hall pass. My dog ate it.
Look, ALF, I appreciate your concern. But this is none of your business.
I wanna do this. Well, if I were a strict Freudian, I'd say your forays into oncoming traffic belay a deep underlying scarediness.
You picked up on that, huh?
What are you thinking about, man?
Well, we were., in the throes of, well, reuniting, and-
Whoa! Stop. Stop. Stop, stop.
Why am I doubting myself?
Could it be because your blood's on its way back to your brain?
What am I doing? I'm just gonna go in there and put this happiest day of my life behind me.
Oh, will you forget Margaret! We're in the most exciting city in Nevada. Donny Osmond's opening for Morey Amsterdam. We could go to the Liberace museum. Or look for a free breakfast. [Neal leaves his car] There's so much to do. And me without clothes.
MMinister
[while reading Neal and Margaret's certificate] It always warms my heart to see two people so madly in love. Now, the basic wedding is $45. The videotape, the flowers, and the rice, that's an extra 75. We offer an Elvis witness for $50 or the fat Elvis for 35. So?
Uh, just the basic wedding. Were those guys ever a bad investment.
MMinister
We are gathered here to join Neal Tanner and Margaret Tanner. Wh- are you two first cousins? 'Cause you're gonna have to go to Texas for that.
MMargaret
No. It's a long story. With a happy ending, right, Neal?
Uh, I know this is inappropriate, but, uh, I'll be right back.
MMargaret
Is something wrong, honey?
Uh, no, I'm, uh, I'm fine. I just, uh, need to run to the restroom and, uh, throw myself a quick bachelor party. [leaves the wedding]
[comes out of the hallway with her painting] Hi.
Hi, Lynnie. How's the painting coming?
Be honest. What do you think?
Sorry, babe. It doesn't speak to me. Next.
I, I think it's very nice. It looks good enough to eat.
So you didn't get the conflicting disharmony between man and nature?
I have to be honest, Lynn. Uh, I'm afraid all I see is a very happy pear.
Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.
ALF. This class means a lot to me. It's being taught by a very respected artist in residence.
What, he couldn't afford a place of his own?
I know what it means. You know, I happen to have a nodding acquaintance with painting myself.
I've seen you paint yourself many times.
Go ahead, mock me. But I was quite the artist in my time. I could paint any canvas any color for $29.95. No ups, no extras.
You know, I just had a thought. Perhaps if you were to rekindle your interest in art it might be a less destructive and costly way for you to spend your idle hours.
You know, the ones between waking up and falling asleep.
Oh, [laughs] Courtesy laugh. Willie, I accept your offer. So, Kate, ever done any nude modeling? Talk about a conflicting disharmony between man and nature.
Lynn Hi, Mr. Reuben.
RMr. Reuben
You keep a neat work area.
Lynn Thank you.
RMr. Reuben
Do you perchance have anything to show me?
Lynn I make it a point never to follow children or nudes.
RMr. Reuben
Oh, Lynn. Let's have a look-see. [he opens up Lynn's portfolio]
Mr. Reuben, I can explain! Well, not without stretching reality, but I can. See...
RMr. Reuben
Class, class..
RMr. Reuben
I want you to see something. [the class looks at Lynn's project] What do you think?
I'll tell you what you think. In my defense, Mr. Reuben. I think I should tell you this is a mistake.
RMr. Reuben
No, no, no, Lynn. There are no mistakes. I am seeing a side of you that I have never seen before. And it's brave. Raw, but inspired. Very good work.
Actually, I was a little more fond of, of this. [shows the class her other painting]
[the class disagrees with her other painting]
RMr. Reuben
No, that we put in a model home in the Valley. But this? This speaks from your soul. Is this spinach fettuccine?
RMr. Reuben
Lynn, you've made great strides here. You have combined the stylistic elements of Pollock, Rauschenberg, Jasper Johns.
RMr. Reuben
Toadies. I love them.
[the class laughs much to Lynn's embarrassment]
[angrily comes home from school and confronts ALF for ruining her project] You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!
Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.
Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.
Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.
That's what I thought at first.
It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?
Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.
I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.
Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.
You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?
And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.
This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?
Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?
What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]
You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.
[arrives at the kitchen while the family is having breakfast] Oh. Hi, everybody.
Morning, ALF. How are you this fine Saturday morning?
Alright. I'll be better once I have some coffee and we talk about death.
I believe it was Nietzsche who put it best. "Life is short. And when it ends we crumble and stink like an overripe blue cheese."
I found some pictures of you guys taken before my arrival. Notice anything obvious?
Besides being incredibly happy?
Actually, what struck me is how much you've aged. Especially you, Kate. I still have 400 years ahead of me. What am I gonna do when you guys move in with the dirt people?
Well, we hadn't really thought about it. Uh, I suppose you'll move in with Lynn.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This is the first I've heard of this.
I'm sorry, ALF, but I just can't commit.
[while looking at a picture] I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.
ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.
Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.
Well, whatever. Come on, everybody. We're not gonna be home too late.
Wait! Do you have to go? Well, what if something happens to you?
ALF, for the last time, nothing is going to happen. We're only going to a bar mitzvah.
Still, I want you to take two cars and drive fast through the bad neighborhoods. Kate, you take the lead car and wear something bright to draw their fire.
ALF, has anyone ever told you when you dwell on something you become annoyingly obsessed?
Come on, we're running late, hon. Bye, ALF.
Bye. Hey, whatever you do don't get trapped between fat people and the buffet table! Oh, who am I kidding? I've gotta face facts. One day, Willie and Kate are gonna take that 6-foot dive. And then what? [picks up a picture and stares at it] Oh, Lynn. Sweet, unfocused Lynn. Maybe you're my hope.
[ALF is in adult Lynn's dream where he is staying at Lynn's apartment eating a bug he hears]
ALAdult Lynn
ALF, you weren't eating bugs again, were you?
I can't help it, Lynn. I'm hungry. They were practically daring me.
ALAdult Lynn
Oh, but I made us some nice chicken broth.
Chicken broth? What's the occasion?
ALAdult Lynn
Well, Robert's been working so hard lately. He looks so drawn. I thought a nice, hot meal might be just the thing to pick his spirits up.
RRobert
[arrives home] Honey, I'm home.
ALAdult Lynn
Oh, darling. Did you get a good spot on the boardwalk today?
RRobert
Yep. Right next to the public restrooms.
ALAdult Lynn
Well, it's about time. How much did you make?
RRobert
Oh, I have something for you.
Nice to see you haven't wasted the last 30 years.
RRobert
Thank you, ALF. You know I need to hear that from time to time.
RRobert
Oh, I came up with something new today.
RRobert
You know the old man-trapped-in-a-box routine?
ALAdult Lynn
It's one of my very favorites.
RRobert
Well, I found a new twist on it. Something that makes it totally unique. Man trapped in a pyramid!
It's amazing nobody's beaten you senseless.
ALAdult Lynn
You still don't believe in our dream, do you? Robert's going to be recognized as a genius someday. And then we'll have everything we ever wanted.
Oh, of course. All you have to do is take a drive through Beverly Hills and see the mansions built by famous mimes. Face it. There's no payoff!
RRobert
Oh, yeah? Well, I have 17 big ones that says you're wrong.
Oh, wake up and smell the invisible flowers. Get a job.
[the phone rings]
ALAdult Lynn
You two. Hello. Yes. Well, just a moment, please. Honey, it's the circus.
RRobert
Oh, boy. This is it. Hello. Yes, this is Robert Sherwood. A job? No, I'm not tied to the mime thing. Thank you. You won't be sorry. See you Monday.
ALAdult Lynn
What was that all about?
Oh, for heaven's sake. Somebody shoot me.
RRobert
[singing] I got a job with the circus!
Will you be making more than $17 a day?
RRobert
Well, not at first.
RRobert
And the best part is there's a place for both of you in the act!
[ALF's dream changes to him Robert, and Adult Lynn at the circus who is tied up on the wheel]
ALAdult Lynn
Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing the amazing Robertino and his incredible target, Bobo the complaining freak of nature.
Lynn, can't we reconsider this? I mean, shouldn't he have at least rehearsed this thing?
ALAdult Lynn
Well, he figured he may only get one chance at it.
[screams as knifes aim for the wheel] Hey! Hey, watch it. That was too close. Hey! Couldn't I have at least worn a cup? [makes a comment after his dream with Lynn ends] Well, so much for Lynn. I guess I'm gonna have to rely on my worst-case scenario. I'm relatively sure Brian won't marry a mime. He'd only run out of things to say.
[ALF is in Brian, Sr.'s dream]
BSBrian, Sr.
Here you go, ALF. I gave you some extra meat fat.
Brian, is this eating-on-the-floor thing gonna be permanent?
BSBrian, Sr.
I'm sorry. Roxanne doesn't want anything with fur at the table unless she's wearing it.
The cat gets to eat at the table.
BSBrian, Sr.
I know it seems inconsistent, but she says it's not. And I believe her.
BSBrian, Sr.
There you go again. You've got a persecution complex a mile long. Brakes fail. Elevator cables snap. Beds go aflame.
All before lunch? Come on, B, what do you say we grab a few pillow cases of this cash get some plastic surgery and start over?
BSBrian, Sr.
ALF, Roxanne is my wife, and I love her. Besides, her family's olive-oil business has been very good for all of us.
Oh, Brian, Brian. Stupid Brian. Have you seen one olive in the last 20 years? Your wife runs the most powerful mob family in North Hollywood.
BSBrian, Sr.
That's not true. You take that back!
Oh, come on. Why is there always so much cash around here?
BSBrian, Sr.
Okay. Alright. I asked her about that. She said a lot of their olive oil is sold on freeway off-ramps. It's a cash business. [the musicians come to visit Brian, Sr.'s house] Hello, sweetheart. [he and his wife kiss]
RRoxanne
I've missed you.
BSBrian, Sr.
Hey, Vinnie. Hey, Buck.
RRoxanne
Boys, why don't you wait outside until the big concert tonight?
BSBrian, Sr.
I think it is so nice that you give them time off to pursue their musical career. God.
RRoxanne
ALF, I brought you something. [ALF gasps] Do you know what that means?
Didn't Uncle Louie get one of these just before that freak welding accident?
Brian, Jr. My favorite, favorite child.
AAngel
[annoyed] It's bothering me again.
RRoxanne
Oh, don't worry, Brian. I gave it a black rose.
BSBrian, Sr.
Honey, I'm gonna go into town. I'm gonna get a manicure and a facial.
Good idea. I'll go with you. I could use a mudpack.
RRoxanne
I don't want you leaving the compound right now. I know, why don't you go upstairs and try on that nice, little present I got you when I was in Washington at those pesky committee hearings?
BSBrian, Sr.
Cool! A guy could get used to this.
AAngel
Mom, yesterday I saw ALF on the couch. And this time, I've got a fur ball to prove it.
Oh, what a nice boy you are. But might I suggest that perhaps the fur ball belongs to the cat?
RRoxanne
You have never liked Fifi, have you? Hmm?
Me? I love that cat. What you may not know is we share the same rare blood type. Which could come in handy if Fifi were ever caught in, oh, say, musical crossfire.
[the musicians come home]
RRoxanne
Boys, take Mr. Shumway to the amphitheater and play for him.
The amphitheater? It's not even finished yet. They're just now pouring the ceme... [whines as his dream with Brian ends] Brian! Wow. Imagine Brian being a kept man. Well, at least he found something he's good at. Life stinks, and then 400 years later, you die. Kind of a bummer, isn't it?
