[late at night, ALF is listening to Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" very loudly]
Hey, Neal. Come on, let's party till the cows come home. By the way, when do they come home? I don't mind that they're out late what bothers me is they don't call.
[turns off the music as he hears a knock on the wall] Oh, no! How long have the neighbors been banging on the walls?
Well, my guess would be all night. And frankly, I find it annoying.
ALF, about this roommate situation, I just don't-
I know, I know, I'm a little out of control but that's because I'm young and foolhardy. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
I don't hate you! But you do have to learn a little consideration for other people!
[the door knocks]
PPolice Officer
[voiceover] Police officers. Would you open the door please?
And you have the nerve to lecture me.
[Kate and Willie get up in the middle of night to hear a strange noise]
I'm sure I heard something. Honey, what if it's a burglar?
Don't worry, honey. I've got the lamp.
[Kate turns on the light as she and Willie got shocked that they find Neal sleeping in the living room]
Oh. Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate.
Neal, what are you doing here?
I couldn't sleep at my house.
It's okay. It's-it's okay. You're with friends now.
Willie, I tried. I tried reasoning. I asked nicely. How do you handle? How do you afford?
Well, Kate's working now and we're on our third mortgage. We're desperately hoping that Lynn will marry well.
[gets up in the middle of the night and finds Neal] Hi, Uncle Neal. Are you okay?
He will be. Just take deep breaths, Neal. That's what we always did at first.
I mean, don't get me wrong. He's a nice little guy. We've actually had some nice conversations. [angrily] But I want him OUT OF MY HOUSE! [normal] I'm sorry. I haven't slept in 4 days. Or was it 9?
Neal, calm down. Just relax.
Can I get you some coffee, a decaf?
Maybe a glass of warm milk?
I'll see if we have any. [she heads to the kitchen]
Willie, it's awful. I don't know if he does these things on purpose or what!
Oh. He does. We just haven't been able to prove it. Neal, why don't you do something about it?
I'll be right behind you when you tell him.
Because you know how I hate confrontation.
Neal, it's time you started to assert yourself. Stop letting people walk all over you.
You know, sometimes true bonding comes after great crisis. Maybe-
Kate, give it up. It's over.
Just when I started to dream in color again.
[Willie and Neal head to Neal's apartment to pick up ALF who ended up in a food coma]
Oh, good Lord, he's dead.
Nah, he's just full. We've gotta get him on his feet. Hey, ALF, you've gotta get up, ALF.
ALF, Neal has something that he wants to say to you.
ALF, it's about our living arrangement, ALF. Ah.
[ALF burps]
You know, he has 8 stomachs. This-this could take some time.
[wakes up] You were saying?
[sighs] ALF, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, ALF. Now, don't take this as a rejection. I-I just couldn't handle that.
You're throwing me out? Moi? I'm aghast. [angrily to Willie] You. You're behind all this! You poisoned him against me.
I didn't have to do a thing.
I'm sorry, ALF. It's just not working out.
Oh. Well, in that case, thanks for my wonderful time.
[sighs] Aw, ALF, you don't have to leave right this second. Why don't you take your time and you can. [he sees the light blubs explode as the lamp falls down thanks to ALF] Get out.
Okay, okay. Warm up the wagon, Willie. We're heading home.
I think that's the right decision. I'll bring the car around front.
I hope you're not mad at me.
No. It couldn't have been an easy thing for you to do.
We can still be friends, right?
Sure. We'll always have Paris.
Aw, come over here, you lug. Thanks. You moved the bubble. Catch you around town, bro. [laughs and then burps] Oh, yeah, thanks. Wonderful.
[at the end, ALF arrives home while the Tanners are having breakfast]
Come on, guys, I'm back. Let's party. Hey, you, legs. Get me a brewski.
It's Lynn, ALF, and sorry you're not at Uncle Neal's anymore.
Oh, yeah. I'm home. Or as I affectionately refer to it, the gulag.
Speaking of which I believe you still have a punishment to work out.
Oh, you're not still on that.
But I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm-
[as the Tanners are satisfied about ALF's punishment, ALF heads to the attic and grounds himself as the episode ends]
[the Tanners quickly head to the kitchen as a storm hit]
Well, do we have everything? Hamburgers, paper plates.
I've got the vegetables and the potato salad.
I've got the buns and the coleslaw.
Why do I get the feeling we forgot something?
[hears a strange noise from outside] Willie!
Oh, yeah. He's pinned underneath the grill. I didn't want to embarrass him by drawing undue attention to it.
[as Willie comes inside, wet] Oh, honey! You're drenched!
Really? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy flailing.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. No thanks to...
Did you or did you not knock the barbecue over on me when you were running into the house?
Oh, that. That was my fault.
Willie, get out of those clothes right away. Before you catch a cold. You too, kids.
LBLynn and Brian
[as they both leave] Okay.
You don't catch cold from going out in the rain, Kate. That's an old wives' tale.
Hence Kate's knowledge of it.
There's a reason old wives get to be old wives. They stay warm and dry.
No, I was just reading an article about that in one of my scientific journals. It said that volunteers who were subjected to rapid temperature changes and cold water did not catch cold. [sneezes]
I told you, honey. You're catching a cold.
No! Nonsense, Kate. One sneeze does not a cold make. [sneezes]
Just out of curiosity how many sneezes does a cold make?
[Willie is in his room sick while Kate gives him soup]
Have some soup. You'll feel better.
Thanks. I really appreciate the way you've been putting up with me.
Oh, you can't help it. You're a man.
I'll just ignore that. But thanks, though. I have enjoyed the peace and quiet.
I'll get you some more tissues.
Willie, you're a whiter shade of pale.
As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a lot better.
Oh, good! You could have taken a turn for the worse. Developed pneumonia, ended up in box city Left us with nothing but Kate's shaky career in real estate.
Does the phrase "thin ice" mean anything to you?
You know, I think I ought to call the office. Maybe I could squeeze in a half a day.
No. No, you need your rest. You stay right where you are.
Really? I mean, you get to lie around all day, eat, watch TV. How many people get to do that? [pause] I said "people." [sneezes]
I did not. [sneezes two times]
[to ALF, after he sneezed] I think you've caught my cold!
Impossible. I told you before, Melmacians never get sick. Only inferior, backwards species get sick. [pause] No offense.
Just to be on the safe side, you better go upstairs and lie down.
Okay, but I'll need the microwave, the TV, the VCR, and Police Academies 1, 2, 3, and 6. [pause] 4 and 5 lacked the pathos and emotional underpinnings of the others.
[2 days later, ALF is still sick]
[as she and Willie check on ALF] Here are the books you wanted ALF.
Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose!
Nice touch, ALF. Don't encourage him.
But I really am feeling worse!
My cold ran its course in a week. Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?
Look at this nose, Willie. There's enough room in there for the viruses to start their own republic. In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking. [he blows his nose]
[as she felt ALF's head] Feel his head, Willie.
[as he felt ALF's head] He's not.. Oh, my, my, he, he is. He's burning up.
Actually, I'm having a cold flash right now.
I'm sorry, ALF. I feel terrible.
I'll get you some lunch. [she heads to the kitchen while Willie checks on ALF, Willie quickly follows her]
[at the end, the Tanners host a barbeque]
Alright. You take the coleslaw. I'll take the salad.
Today, we finally get to use our backyard blitzer.
[from outside as the barbeque is on fire] I got the barbeque lit! Specifically, the wheels!
[Kate and Willie run outside to catch ALF as the episode ends]
[answers the phone] Hello?
[on the phone in the kitchen] Make it a luau.
In the kitchen. Did you know there's a number you can dial that makes your own phone ring? Groovy, huh?
Be smart, Willie. Think luau. [hangs up the phone]
[dries up ALF with a towel after he saw him fall past the window] I can't believe you'd pull a stunt like that. Does it hurt very much?
Only when I burp. [burps] Ow!
Why did you ever leave the attic? Because you lied, you, you liar. [burps] Ow! Oh, it hurts so bad.
You said I could have leftovers. There won't be any. You said I could watch the party. You moved it inside.
Well, how was I supposed to know it was gonna rain?
Listen, we made a deal. I expect you to live up to it. Now, you stay here right here in the shed and don't move or you get nothing. That's non-negotiable!
He never learns. [burps] Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Willie ties ALF outside after he caught him from dancing]
Willie, it's not my fault. It was that devil music, it called to me. Suddenly, I was burning with passion, desperately looking for a carbon maranda hat. The kind of fruit?
Uh-huh! You can't be trusted pal. This is for your own good.
Ha! There isn't a garbage shed in the town that could hold me. [after Willie leaves, he hums conga music, and then burps] Ow!
[ALF is at the attic writing a story]
ALF! It's 1:00 in the morning!
Are you gonna type all night?
Look, while you're here, let me run some very hip jokes by you. When I'm done, there won't be a dry seat in the house.
There's a challenge I never thought I'd face. Okay, let's get this over with.
Good, you're psyched. Anyone here ever been to a fast-food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You'd ask for extra crispy. They'd bring you a cat with arthritis! [laughs]
ALF, take my advice. Don't quit your day job. Which, in your case, is just an expression.
Yeah. Like he knows anything about comedy. Mr. "Oh, here's a humorous paradox I read about in Scientific American." I'm funny. I am. I could be a comic. I am funny. I really am!
