TV show quotes
[at the end, the Tanners host a barbeque]
Alright. You take the coleslaw. I'll take the salad.
Today, we finally get to use our backyard blitzer.
[from outside as the barbeque is on fire] I got the barbeque lit! Specifically, the wheels!
[Kate and Willie run outside to catch ALF as the episode ends]
[answers the phone] Hello?
[on the phone in the kitchen] Make it a luau.
ALF? Where are you?
In the kitchen. Did you know there's a number you can dial that makes your own phone ring? Groovy, huh?
What do you want?
Be smart, Willie. Think luau. [hangs up the phone]
It's happening! He's going to ruin everything!
[from the attic as rain is falling] Oh no! Raindrops are falling on my pig!
[dries up ALF with a towel after he saw him fall past the window] I can't believe you'd pull a stunt like that. Does it hurt very much?
Only when I burp. [burps] Ow!
Why did you ever leave the attic? Because you lied, you, you liar. [burps] Ow! Oh, it hurts so bad.
I never lied to you.
Yes, you did.
You said I could have leftovers. There won't be any. You said I could watch the party. You moved it inside.
Well, how was I supposed to know it was gonna rain?
A good host would know.
Listen, we made a deal. I expect you to live up to it. Now, you stay here right here in the shed and don't move or you get nothing. That's non-negotiable!
Yes, sir.
Good. [leaves]
He never learns. [burps] Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Willie ties ALF outside after he caught him from dancing]
Willie, it's not my fault. It was that devil music, it called to me. Suddenly, I was burning with passion, desperately looking for a carbon maranda hat. The kind of fruit?
Uh-huh! You can't be trusted pal. This is for your own good.
Ha! There isn't a garbage shed in the town that could hold me. [after Willie leaves, he hums conga music, and then burps] Ow!
[ALF is at the attic writing a story]
ALF! It's 1:00 in the morning!
Not now, not now.
Are you gonna type all night?
Look, while you're here, let me run some very hip jokes by you. When I'm done, there won't be a dry seat in the house.
There's a challenge I never thought I'd face. Okay, let's get this over with.
Good, you're psyched. Anyone here ever been to a fast-food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You'd ask for extra crispy. They'd bring you a cat with arthritis! [laughs]
ALF, take my advice. Don't quit your day job. Which, in your case, is just an expression.
Yeah. Like he knows anything about comedy. Mr. "Oh, here's a humorous paradox I read about in Scientific American." I'm funny. I am. I could be a comic. I am funny. I really am!
[dreaming as a comedian] Anyone here have been to a fast food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You ask for extra crispy, they give you a cat with a tritest. [crowd laughs] You know about the Melmacian National Library burning down? They lost both books. [crowd laughs] And the second one wasn't even colored in yet! [everyone claps]
[Raquel doorbells from outside]
When will it all stop? I need my rest.
ALF, do we have to go into the kitchen?
You know the rules son.
It's Mrs. Ochmonek.
Stay.
Where have you been keeping him? [runs up to ALF] There he is! [laughs] I laugh just looking at you.
Yeah, same back at you.
[laughs] Mr. Shumway, would you be willing to come over and meet my bridge club? They all adore you.
Look, any other time, I would have said "yes." But I have a life now.
[laughs] I love this funny man. Well, would you at least autograph a picture for me?
Brian! I don't do my own autographs. But I will touch the photo. [Brian gives Raquel a photo]
Well, I'd better get back. Thank you, Mr. Shumway.
Yeah. You're welcome. Check her for money and get her out of here.
[laughs] He ad-libbed for me! [laughs] Oh, I hope to see you around. Save me a fur ball. [leaves the house]
Well, I'm off to the track. I thought I'd fritter away some more of my money. [laughs]
But what about the, lifetime achievement award you're being given tonight? Shouldn't you be working on your acceptance speech?
I'll wing it. Oh, and sorry I didn't invite you to the ceremony. But you know why that is.
Because once, we said you weren't funny.
That's right. Now, you know where you belong.
The attic.
And don't touch my things!
[Willie and Kate head to the attic]
[talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.
[he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!
Whoa!
You're alright?
Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.
Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.
Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.
Thanks, AL.
What?
You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]
[does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!
No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.
[while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.
Not bad. Do it again. And this time, try to show a little leg.
ALF, I'm auditioning for Joan of Arc. I don't really think that would be appropriate. Just tell me if I've got the lines right.
Okay, but I'm telling you, it would be a lot funnier if you were holding a rubber chicken.
It's not a comedy.
Well, not the way you're doing it. Hey, I've got a great idea! When they strike the first torch grab your big toe and hop around yelling, hot foot, hot foot!
I'm tied to a stake!
You're tied to a piece of meat and you don't see the humor in that?
No.
Well, then you might want to consider a couple of well placed tassels.
[while eating popcorn and watching TV] I'll, do us all a favor. Take 20 bucks out and get your tooth cleaned.[the phone rings and he answers it] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?
Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.
Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?
Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.
What?!
Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.
But, Neal.
[offscreen] Honey?
Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]
But, Neal, wait! Don't- hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.
[pops his head up and becomes nosy during Neal's date] You really stepped in it this time, Neal.
Have you gone crazy? What are you doing here?
I came to see Rickles. I came to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Again.
Do Willie and Kate know you're here?
Yeah, yeah. I had a hall pass. My dog ate it.
Look, ALF, I appreciate your concern. But this is none of your business.
I wanna do this. Well, if I were a strict Freudian, I'd say your forays into oncoming traffic belay a deep underlying scarediness.
You picked up on that, huh?
What are you thinking about, man?
Well, we were., in the throes of, well, reuniting, and-
Whoa! Stop. Stop. Stop, stop.
Why am I doubting myself?
Could it be because your blood's on its way back to your brain?
What am I doing? I'm just gonna go in there and put this happiest day of my life behind me.
Oh, will you forget Margaret! We're in the most exciting city in Nevada. Donny Osmond's opening for Morey Amsterdam. We could go to the Liberace museum. Or look for a free breakfast. [Neal leaves his car] There's so much to do. And me without clothes.
[while reading Neal and Margaret's certificate] It always warms my heart to see two people so madly in love. Now, the basic wedding is $45. The videotape, the flowers, and the rice, that's an extra 75. We offer an Elvis witness for $50 or the fat Elvis for 35. So?
Uh, just the basic wedding. Were those guys ever a bad investment.
We are gathered here to join Neal Tanner and Margaret Tanner. Wh- are you two first cousins? 'Cause you're gonna have to go to Texas for that.
No. It's a long story. With a happy ending, right, Neal?
Uh, I know this is inappropriate, but, uh, I'll be right back.
Is something wrong, honey?
Uh, no, I'm, uh, I'm fine. I just, uh, need to run to the restroom and, uh, throw myself a quick bachelor party. [leaves the wedding]
[comes out of the hallway with her painting] Hi.
Hi, Lynnie. How's the painting coming?
Be honest. What do you think?
Sorry, babe. It doesn't speak to me. Next.
I, I think it's very nice. It looks good enough to eat.
So you didn't get the conflicting disharmony between man and nature?
I have to be honest, Lynn. Uh, I'm afraid all I see is a very happy pear.
Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.
ALF. This class means a lot to me. It's being taught by a very respected artist in residence.
What, he couldn't afford a place of his own?
It means that he's...
I know what it means. You know, I happen to have a nodding acquaintance with painting myself.
I've seen you paint yourself many times.
Go ahead, mock me. But I was quite the artist in my time. I could paint any canvas any color for $29.95. No ups, no extras.
You know, I just had a thought. Perhaps if you were to rekindle your interest in art it might be a less destructive and costly way for you to spend your idle hours.
You know, the ones between waking up and falling asleep.
Oh, [laughs] Courtesy laugh. Willie, I accept your offer. So, Kate, ever done any nude modeling? Talk about a conflicting disharmony between man and nature.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
