[ALF and Brian are looking at a book about animals]
Bri, I'm looking for a pet, Not a date to the prom.
[walks over to ALF and Brian] What are you guys looking at?
It's a book about animals of the world. ALF's trying to decide which one he wants to get for a pet.
But you told me never to play with my food!
Why does anyone want a pet? The ultimate in power trips.
Bugs him that I'm taller than he is now.
Well, power trips aside, there's no room in this house for another pet, just at the moment.
Precisely why I'm leaning towards a pet we could keep outside. I.E. you're basic barnyard horse. Here's the '89 Mustang.
We won't be getting a horse or any other barnyard. Type animal, for that matter, thank you.
Let's wait until after dinner, to broach the buffalo.
[arrives home with ALF's new pet] If you could, uh, dismount for a moment there's something I'd like to show you.
Alright. This saddle's giving me splinters anyway. Whoa, boy, whoa!
I decided it might be good for you to have a pet after all.
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I'll feed him oats every day. I'll even name him after you. White Beauty.
It's not a horse, but it's something I think you'll like just as much.
You're right, Willie. This is just like having a horse. You actually paid money for this?
You were robbed! An old soda bottle left outdoors gives you the same effect.
You're missing the point, ALF. Ants are fascinating. And with this, you get a chance to watch them work and play in a natural environment.
Willie, you call green windmills and plastic trees a natural environment?
Ants don't care about that. All they want is a place to tunnel and dirt they can call their own.
Well, they're your pets. You get to feed and care for them. And in return, they-they let you in to their private lives.
They live in a picture window! What kind of private lives can they have?
Would you rather I return them?
Could they be exchanged for something with fewer legs and a saddle?
[goes upstairs to the attic singing as Willie hides his ant farm behind his back] Hi, Lynne Helm. Will Helm.
Hi, ALF. I brought you a present, ALF.
Hey! An ant calendar. Thanks, Lynnie. The boys love reading about their distant cousins.
ALF, I think there's something you should know about your ants.
I know, I know. Ants can't read. It's just a little anthropomorphic game I like to play with them.
Actually, I was referring to something else.
Well, you remember you told me what happens to orbit gnats when they fly too close to your ship's heat shield?
Well, the same thing can happen to an ant when it's left in the sun too long. [gives ALF his ant farm]
You sure they're not sun-tanning? [he cries in shock after his ants passed away]
[worried] My poor little goombas. An hour ago, they were working at the farm.
[laughs and tickles as he wakes up] Kate, cut it out!
No! I'm not touching you.
[wakes up and finds ants on him] There are ants on me. There, there are ants in my pajamas.
[sees ants on the bed] There are ants everywhere.
Yes, yes. I can see that, dear. I'll just get the bug spray.
I'll help you. [he and Willie go out from their bedroom] Why are there so many ants in the house all of a sudden? [she and Willie find food in the kitchen that ALF left on the floor]
Perhaps these strategically placed dishes of food might give us a clue.
Just once I would like to walk into this kitchen and not find something all over the floor.
Just go into the other room, Kate. I'll spray in here.
Why don't we just burn the place down and start over?
That'd be plan B. Plan A is, where's the bug spray?
[mad] Why did you do this?
Do what? Throw away the bug spray? Or set up the teeny-weeny truck stops?
Eventually, you're going to have to explain both so start where you like and stop when I tell you.
I'm dedicating my life to the care and preservation of the ant species.
If you leave food all over the house, we are going to have ants everywhere!
It's the least I can do for them after I wiped out their kinfolk and everything.
ALF, inviting the remainder of the Earth's ant population into our house isn't gonna bring back your ant farm.
ALF, you've got to get over this.
I failed to protect my pet ants, Willie. I'm not gonna fail with the general ant public.
Trust me, ALF. Your ants stand a much better chance of survival outside of my kitchen.
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
Nothing doing. This time he's mine.
No, wait, wait Kate. ALF might not feel as bad about losing his ants if he just had a chance to say goodbye to them formally like, you know, like a memorial service.
What a lovely idea. But I don't think it'll help.
Well, sure it will, ALF. Rituals are a very effective way of dealing with grief.
You'll have a funeral, we'll all come it'll be very touching! And it'll be over, right?
In the middle of a picnic.
[at the end, ALF is eating all the picnic leftovers]
[comes in] I see you found the picnic leftovers.
It's amazing! I almost got my appetite back.
Amazing. You ate all that chicken?
Yeah. I didn't even want the last 2 pieces. It was just the momentum.
Well, you seem to be back to your old self.
I guess I still have this dull ache inside.
You've been through a great deal of pain in the last 24 hours, ALF. It's just your body responding to that.
Nah, I think it's Kate's potato salad. I've had problems with it before! [belches loudly as the episode ends]
[ALF is in the kitchen tying knots]
What are you doing? Tying a slip knot, but I can't get it to not slip.
Say, that's not my good string, is it?
Willie, If you have good string. You've got to get out more.
Brian? It's 10 to 7:00. We're going to be late for the scout meeting.
Don't tell me, Willie. You made a few calls and got him into the national guard.
Must you make that joke every time you see Brian in his uniform?
Well, I think you look great, B.
Seeing you in that uniform really takes me back.
You were a badger scout? I mean, you went outside and everything?
There has been more to my life than going to work, you know.
I know. You also take off your glasses and rub your nose a lot.
I was a badger scout for 4 years. I earned 11 badges, and I received an award in fire prevention, which has proven far more useful than I ever would have dreamed possible. Brian. Let's go.
These aren't very good knots, ALF.
Stop badgering me, you little badger.
Bye. Car keys. [as he leaves with the keys, the tablecloth comes off because ALF tied the keys to it]
[ALF is in Brian's room helping Brian pack]
It's in the closet. I'll get it.
It's got a knife and a fork and some pans. I got it.
Why don't you pack some important stuff, like tacoroni?
I don't care. Pack whatever you want.
I sense a growing disenchantment with this venture.
How come you don't want to go camping?
No, but there's a first time for everything.
I'm scared to. It's going to be dark out there.
Oh, yeah. But there'll be lots of other kids around.
That's even worse. They'll think I'm a baby.
Well, just tell Willie, then. He'll take off his glasses, rub his nose, and tell you you don't have to go.
I know, but he loves camping. He'll be real disappointed if he finds out I don't want to go.
[comes in Brian's room] Where don't you want to go?
Camping with the badger scouts.
Tell him there's no reason to be scared.
So revoke my security clearance.
You know, I never went camping myself, but back in New York, I heard about this one scout troop. They camped in Central Park and were never heard from again. [laughs at Brian]
Why don't we camp out in the backyard tomorrow night? I'll show you that it's not scary, just boring.
We'll stay up as late as we want, go to bed without brushing our teeth, eat hot dogs until we're 10% meat by products.
Come on, B. Live a little. You can come too, Jake.
Might be fun. Sleeping outside.
Breathing clean, fresh air.
Being right under Lynn's window?
What do you want I should bring?
[comes in the kitchen with her school papers] Well, I think I finally figured out which courses I should register for.
Oh, did you choose a major?
I was thinking about art history.
Oh, honey. I-I mean it's admirable that you're interested in art but do you think that's really a practical thing to major in?
Well, we have a saying in college those who can do and those who can't major in art history.
I majored in art history.
You were the exception, dear. We never laughed at you.
I suppose that studying mankind's greatest artistic achievements wasn't nearly as interesting as drawing population pie charts like you social science majors.
I never drew a pie chart in my life. Oh, okay, okay, once I drew a pie chart and you know what? It wasn't bad.
And where's that pie chart today? I'll tell you where it's not. It's not in the Louvre.
Uh, that reminds me, hon, um, we're having a pool at the office. What year did Van Gogh die?
The year they asked him to draw a pie chart.
[Jake arrives as Brian is sitting down in the tent]
Well, it's not too scary yet.
Wait until it gets dark and the moon moves behind a cloud. And the fog rolls in. [laughs evilly]
I'm going back in the house. [he leaves but Jake stops him]
Wait. Relax. Relax. There's nothing there in the dark. That's not there in the light. Except bats. [ALF comes in grunting with his stuff] What do you have in here, ALF?
Just a few carry-on items. They'll fit in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of me.
I thought we agreed to only bring along the basics.
Hey, you got a search warrant?
[opens ALF's bag and looks at the stuff that ALF bought] Meatballs? The Great Outdoors? Ernest Goes to Camp?
It's the wilderness trilogy.
What are we supposed to do with these?
You didn't bring the VCR? Hey! Those are rentals.
What else have you got in here? Nothing.
No frappes. Cheez whiz? Meat whiz? Fish whiz?
Hey, we need something from each of the major whiz groups.
Come on, Brian. Help me pack this junk up.
He's right, ALF. We have to go by the badger handbook.
No cheez whiz? No frappes? No VCR? What's the point of going camping?
That is the point of going camping!
I thought that was the point of going to prison.
Look, ALF, this was your idea. Now, if we're going to do it, we're going to do it right, ok?
[the phone rings]
[answers the phone] Hello? No, cancel the pizza.
[telling his scary story to ALF and Brian] So the cab broke down in the seedy part of the lower east side, see. Just as the cabbie got out to check the engine, a big cloud of steam blew up from the deserted subway station below, the one they had to close after a bunch of guys died mysteriously down there.
I think it was the wind. Unless it was a cab. [laughs]
Ahh! Cut that out! You're scaring Brian.
It's just a story, ALF. What happened next, Jake?
Ok, ok. Out of the cloud of steam came the phantom of the subway. Dressed all in black, a hood covering his skull-like face. And instead of a hand, he had a gleaming hook.
Isn't it time to sneak across the crick to the girls camp? And blow out their citronella candles?
Now, where was I? The gleaming hook.
So the phantom hails the cab with his good hand. And the cabbie's scared, so he yells, "I'm off duty, buddy!" But the phantom doesn't know from off duty. And slowly walks over.
[singing] Michael, row your boat ashore.
ALF, the story's just getting good.
Now, all the baptists. [singing] Hallelujah!
So the phantom reaches into the cab and snags the cabbie by the neck and drags him down into the subway with him! Until all you could hear was the phantom laughing. [laughs evilly again]
It's the haunted taxi! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! Yikes! [he runs away from Jake and Brian as Willie and Lynn feel very shocked] Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!
ALF is hailing a cab in the den. [he sees Jake running in the living room] Exactly when did I lose control?
[ALF is hiding under a blanket in the attic]
There's nobody here but us pillow shams.
[uncovers ALF] What's your problem?
Nothing. I was just afraid I'd catch my death of gleaming hook out there.
How's Brian supposed to get over being afraid if you turn chicken on us?
Let him get over his fear of the dark in the morning, when it's light out.
We're camping in your backyard. What do you think, psychopaths get a map of the Tanner house from the Triple AAA?
Do I look that stupid? I'm talking about real dangers, Likeslugs.
Real threat to those of us who go barefoot.
If I promise to de-Slug the yard, Will you come back outside?
Hey, but we're making real progress out there! Once Brian realizes you're scared, He'll be scared. I mean, you could ruin his whole life. What girl's gonna wanna date a guy who won't go out after dark?
Then you help him. I can't.
I'm telling you, there's nothing scary out there. Unless you count that herd of stray cats that prowls every night.
Big ones. Lots of them, too.
Well, maybe you're right. How scary can our backyard be?
I knew you'd come around.
I'm only doing this for Brian.
Can we stop in the kitchen and get the wok?
[ALF and Jake arrive back at their tent]
Oh, and no more scary stories, Jake.
Well, just one more. The headless stockbroker.
Oh, no! He's been gleaming hooked!
Hey, he is in here. He's sleeping.
So much for being afraid of the dark.
Well, my work here is done. See you at brunch.
Wait! What if he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees you deserted him?
Come on, ALF. Brian's counting on you.
I hate being a role model! Here, sluggy. Here I come. Here, sluggy, sluggy, sluggy. I'll be in my sleeping bag. Good sluggy. Hey, who's gonna tuck me in?
Nobody gets tucked in in the wilderness!
Well, at least zip me up! [Jake zips up his sleeping bag] Hey, hey, watch the fur!
It's for your own protection. We don't want any slugs getting in, do we?
It's right after the stock market crashed. There was this headless stockbroker! [laughs]
You know, Jake? There are places you can go for that.
[when the cat is meowing, ALF tries to escape but he is stuck in his zipped sleeping bag]
This is the worst night of my life! [tries to get up but falls asleep]
Kate, I'm sorry I made fun of your major, so, I brought you this. It's the evolution of art from primitive cave drawings to the wizard of id.
You know, it occurred to me, no matter what our kids become, social workers, art historians, shipping magnates. They're gonna inherit ALF and be broke anyway.
Oh, Willie. This is lovely. I'm sorry if I overreacted.
We shouldn't argue over something so silly. As pie charts. Silly old pie charts.
Well, I finally picked my courses.
I trust you've made a good career choice. You're majoring in nothing.
I found out that with all Of the required subjects I have to take, I'm not gonna have time for any courses in my major until I'm a junior anyway, so I'll decide then.
Can you come out here and help me with my knots?
No, I'm busy, ALF. If you want help, come on in here.
Alright. [he comes in from the living room tied up]
Oh, come over here, I'll untie you.
I would, but I can't seem to drag the piano any farther. [he still gets stuck while Willie comes to untie him as the episode ends]
Look, there must be some reason Jake never told me about his mother. We're best friends! Blood brothers! 2 sides of the same double-stuffed Oreo. I think in some cultures we'd be considered engaged.
Perhaps with you around, he found it difficult to get a word in edgewise.
Hardy-har. For your information, Jake tells me everything. About how his father's in jail about how he flunked his last math test about how Trevor and Raquel like to sometimes dress up like Norwegian. [Willie and Kate stare at him] Never mind.
[the doorbell rings]
[from outside] Yoo-hoo! It's Raquel!
Yoo-hoo. Tell her we're not home.
Let her in. I'll pretend I'm a fuzzy lamp.
You can pretend that in the kitchen.
Fine. Which way is the kitchen? Hey, what do you want from a lamp?
I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law, Elaine Ochmonek. She's Jake's mother. Elaine, this is Willie Tanner and his wife Kate. She's pregnant.
Gee, it's nice to meet you.
EElaine
Please, come in, come in. We are so fond of Jake. Oh, well, he talks about his-his friends the Tanners, all the time. Although, sometimes he does stop rather abruptly in the middle of a sentence.
Well, don't we all just- Don't we all just do that now and again?
EElaine
I really appreciate everything you've done for Jake. It's been hard on him being away from all his friends in New York.
Oh, he's become like one of the family. Maybe we can all get together sometime while you're visiting.
What a lovely idea. Say, here for dinner, tomorrow 7:30?
EElaine
Please, don't go to any trouble.
Oh, pish. Kate doesn't mind. Do you, Kate?
Good. Besides, they owe us a dinner. Not that I'm the kind of a person who would bring that up.
7:30 tomorrow will be fine.
EElaine
Nice meeting you.
Toodles! [she and Elaine leave the Tanners house and Kate closes the door]
[ALF stands from the kitchen and Willie takes the lamp head off of him]
AWALF and Willie
Fuzzy lamp.
[from the window] Yo, Jake!
ALF, how long have you been out there?
Long enough. For but what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.
Yeah? Then how come I feel so crummy?
You ate Kate's cooking last night, remember? Anyway, I'm glad you're not going back to New York.
Well, that was really nice what you said to your mom. You know, there's nothing like the love between a mother and child. Except, maybe the love between two florists.
Give this back to Mrs. Tanner, would you? And, uh, tell her I'm, we're sorry.
So what happens to your mother now?
I guess she'll go back to her doctor.
Well, I hope he's an eye doctor. This is the ugliest pin I've ever seen! Looks like a blood clot. Ha. Blood clot! Ha! Oh, I kill me. [Jakes closes the bedroom curtain]
[ALF is at the living room relaxing while the family prepares for a wedding]
Oh, come on, everybody. We'll be late. Let's go. I got your tie, B.
Don't forget your baseball mitt, Brian.
You'll have a better chance of catching the bridal squid.
On Earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.
Hey, Kate! [hands her a stack of Tupperware containers tied with a bow] Give this to the bride with my regards.
You're not giving away my Tupperware.
Of course I'm not! Tell her to fill it with food! I love wedding buffets.
I've rented you these tapes, ALF, to keep you occupied and to keep you out of trouble.
No, these are classics. You've never seen these. This one is the Sheik with Rudolph Valentino. And the other one's a film by Charlie Chaplin.
Kick the TV, Willie. The color's gone out.
No, these are black and white movies, ALF.
How am I supposed to see Rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound. I can't hear the actors. These movies are silent. I might as well be reading.
