TV show quotes
So I say, "Psst, you're eating footwear!" [laughs] I love that scene! Brilliant!
It was in a Charlie Chaplin movie.
So what, Jake hammer? Haven't you heard the old saying, "Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism"? Suddenly there's a knock at the door.
It's Jake Ochmonek, the next-door neighbor.
[imitates buzzer] Wrong!
[slowly enters kitchen] The Great Orange hunter stalks his prey. [opens fridge] Ah, he sees it. The illusive loin of Pork the most prized catch in the refridgidary jungle. What's this? [picks a note off the food and reads it] "ALF don't eat this" Why would I eat this? [throws away the note] Ever so deftly the great orange hunter maneuvers his weapon. He strikes. [as he does this an earthquake starts] Has the hunter angered the gods? Whoa! Okay, I won't eat pork.
[opens the cabinet] I found him!
ALF, are you ok?
He doesn't look good.
It looks like he's in shock. ALF, say something! Anything!
Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination ALF! Apocalypsenow! Now-- [Willie slaps him] Thanks, Willie. Now I'm blind.
Your eyes are closed.
Oh.
Here, let me help you.
Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit, but I had nothing to do with this mess.
We know, ALF. We know.
You do?
We had an earthquake.
I see.
And it was a good one.
What was good about it? Why do we have it? What was it?
Well, let me see if I can explain it, ALF. You see, the crust of our planet is made of plates of layered rock that are in continual movement. Now, when the pressure beneath becomes too great, it's released through--
Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Kate, the short strokes, please.
You remember when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?
Well, that's a rather extreme example, Kate.
Look, we just had an earthquake, and we are all fine. We just have to remember to be prepared and follow some basic safety rules.
Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules!
[singing] This is the way we diaper our kid, diaper our kid, diaper our kid, this is the way we diaper our kid, [the baby doll drops] and this is how we drop it.
What are you doing?
Practicing for when the baby comes. How well do earth children bounce?
Not very.
Then what do people mean when they say "Bouncing baby boy"?
It's an expression, not a suggestion. Here, this is how you do it. You put the diaper on like this and you fold it over like this and you fasten it here and here. Like this. See? Here, now you try it.
It's used now, yuck!
Hi, ALF, what you watching?
I'm not watching, I'm studying.
Studying what?
The petrie method of childbirth.
[a clip from The Dick Van Dyke Show plays]
But this is The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Exactly. You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father. That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch.
Well, dad told me where babies come from and he never mentioned The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Your father is a good man but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied.
[another clip The Dick Van Dyke Show shows]
Brian, I have told you a hundred times not to leave your baseball glove on the floor!
Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla!
Sorry, mom. How was your nap?
Obviously, not long enough.
Look, ALF, a woman's body goes through a lot of changes when she's pregnant. She can't always control her emotions. Oh. I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys.
That's alright, mom. Dad says no matter how cranky you get we should just humor you.
You can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it.
Sure, mom, whatever you say.
Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces. You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did was an occasional, Oh, Rob.
Laura Petrie?
I'm studying up to help you have your baby.
And you're studying,
The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Of course. ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help but in this particular case I think Willie is a little more qualified.
Yeah? Then where is he, huh? Answer me that, huh? Where, huh? Where, huh, huh, huh, where?
[comes home from work] I'm home.
I hate when he does that.
Something I should know about?
Only if you write for The Alan Brady Show.
Nothing I should know about.
I'm placing myself at the ready to assist mommy dearest over there with her blessed event.
Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role.
Really? On Melmac, the father's role was to stand back and yell, Pull, pull.
Don't you mean, Push, push?
No. On Melmac, the mother gave birth while the father went skeet shooting.
[ALF goes to Willie and Kate's room in the middle of the night]
Honey, it's time. Honey, it's time. [yells at Kate and Willie which causes them to wake up] HONEY, IT'S TIME!
What? Whoops!
19 seconds there, Wilmington. The baby will be able to drive Kate to the hospital by the time you wake up.
ALF, what are you doing here?
Labor drill. And it's a darn good thing.
No, it's not, it's not, it's a darn bad thing.
ALF, you've got to stop all this. The baby will get here when he or she is good and ready. If you really, really wanna help me just, please, relax.
Relax, she says. Anyone would think she was the one having this baby.
[yelling at ALF] I am the one having this baby!
Gee! Calm down, Kate-A-Clysm. All this animosity can't be good for the Tannerlet.
Willie, I'm a tired pregnant woman, Willie!
I know. I know, dear.
You left out fat and cranky.
Help me out of this bed, Willie.
Well, I know when I'm not wanted. [he walks away from Willie and Kate's bed]
[angrily] Oh, ho-ho, you are wanted alright. You just stay right, right there! [throws a pillow at ALF but she misses]
Keep this up, Kate, and you'll get no baby gift from me.
[wakes up] Must have dozed off. [he gets up and meets Eric] Holy stork invasion, Batman! How'd that get in here? Willie!
[comes inside the nursery] Oh, you're awake. You're finally awake. Are you alright?
I'm fine. But that thing in the crib looks an awful lot like a B-A-B-Y.
I know. ALF, I'd like you to meet my son Eric William Tanner. We just brought him home this morning.
Did I miss something here?
You sure did. Lynn tried and tried to wake you up when we left for the hospital but you, you were out like a light. You know, you've been asleep for almost 2 days?
You mean, I slept through the whole thing?
I'm afraid so.
Well, Kate couldn't have waited until I woke up?
It seemed impractical.
I can't believe it. Guess you guys really didn't need me, after all. I'm such a mokes.
It's not that you weren't needed, ALF. It's just that when a woman starts to actually have a baby you're not, needed. You understand?
Yeah. I guess so. What are you thinking about, Willie?
Oh. I was just remembering the first day we brought Lynn home from the hospital. And then Brian, and now this little guy.
I've never seen you this happy. I've never seen anybody this happy.
Well, of course I'm happy, ALF. We've helped to create a brand-new life here. I think maybe that's the most important thing a person ever gets to do.
Guess I'll never know, will I?
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. In all the excitement, I didn't think about that.
On Melmac, I never thought much about having kids. You know how it is when you're in your 220s. You think you have all the time in the world.
I can imagine.
But now, when I realize that it's never gonna be possible for me to be a father.
Don't say that.
LA's a lonely town when you're the only orange boy around.
You can't give up hope, ALF. If it's that important to you, you can never give up hope. In the meantime, we're gonna need your help bringing up Eric.
You are?
Well, sure, who else is gonna teach him about boo-yah baseball, and pasta polo and other sports involving the hurling of inappropriate objects?
Like gerbil hockey?
No.
[comes in the nursery] Hi, ALF. You finally woke up, huh?
Yeah. Hey, guess you got a brother now?
Yeah. Mom says it's time to feed him.
Okay. Tell her we'll be in a minute, B.
[Brian leaves]
[while staring at Eric] Looks like you.
Thanks.
On the other hand, all white babies look like you.
Say hi to ALF, Eric.
Hey, Eric. How you doing, Eric? He smiled at me.
I'm sure he did.
[last lines; meeting Eric] So anyway, the Tanners decided I could stay. And here I am. It's not a bad place to live, actually. Kate takes a little getting used to, but you probably already figured that part out. Well, Willie said he needed me to help teach you about stuff. So I thought I'd start with the most important thing, these are the channel control buttons.
[Eric is in his playpen crying and Willie tries to hush him]
Aw! Shh. Eric, don't. Don't. Don't cry. Daddy's here. Look at this face. Look at this funny face.
[comes up to Willie] A Roseanne Barr impression's only gonna anger him more.
I'm not impersonating Roseanne Barr.
Dom DeLuise.
I'm not impersonating anyone. I'm trying to get Eric to stop crying.
Have you tried leaving the room? Ha! Lighten up, Willie, huh? Borrow a sense of humor, man.
I'm not in the mood right now, okay?
You want me to get him to stop?
No, no. Sometimes babies need to cry. They just need to exercise their lungs.
Oh, why, that's fascinating. [Eric cries loudly but ALF yells at him] Quiet! [Eric laughs] It's all in the delivery. If you need me, I'll be in the fridge.
Hey, Kate. What's for dinner?
ALF, you just had lunch.
Your dinners highlight my day, Kate. But then again, I have no life.
Any luck?
No.
You know what I'd love to have for dinner tonight?
I guess I'm just gonna have to tell my boss that I can't show any more houses until we get a babysitter.
Porkchops.
Don't worry, we'll find somebody.
Maybe a nice ham.
You think we're offering too little? Maybe we should be paying more than $6 an hour.
Hey, hold it! Flag on the play. You're paying these people? I'll do it.
Did you call all the college papers, and every college-
Perhaps you didn't hear me. Thus, I'll say it again. I'll baby-sit.
No, I don't think so, ALF. It's nothing personal, it's just- Well, I guess it is personal.
Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.
Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?
What do you mean your fridge?
Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.
When the babysitter's here, you're gonna have to be in the attic.
Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?
We're all making adjustments, ALF. You're not gonna be up there all that much.
Attica! Attica! Attica!
ALF, cut the dramatics. I'm just gonna be working part time.
But I've got an instinctive rapport with kids. It's a gift that all Melmacians share. That and the ability to suck milk through our noses.
My, you are blessed, aren't you?
As passionate as your argument sounds, ALF, the answer's still no.
But why? Why?
Why? Because you're irresponsible. You trash the house. You flooded the living room. You wallpapered the shower.
It was a rhetorical question.
[Kate is in the nursery holding Eric]
Okay. Aw, there you go. There you go. There you go.
[comes in] Aw, there's nothing more beautiful than the sight of a mother holding her freshly-swaddled babe to her bosom.
Leave my bosom out of this, ALF. You're not babysitting Eric.
Any luck?
No. No, I've, I've draped him over my shoulder, I've laid him across my lap, I've bounced him. Eric just doesn't want to burp.
Hey, mind if I show you a trick?
The last time you showed me a trick it took 3 weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.
I told you not to lean in. Come on, now. At no time will the baby leave my hands.
Spot him, Lynn. [she hands Eric to ALF]
Hey, Eric, how you doing? Having a little gassy backup today? [Eric burps] Huzza, huzza. Who was that masked man? Next case.
[picks up Eric from ALF] Whoo-hoo! Broccoli.
So when do I start? By the way, Thursdays are bad for me. I do tai chi.
Granted, ALF, you give good burp but that doesn't qualify you to take care of an infant.
Kate, it can't be any different than taking care of my younger brother and sister. And they had 16 stomachs between them and one bathroom. Think about it.
[goes to the nursery as he finds Eric crying] Hey, hey, hey! What's the matter, little guy? Whoa! Sorry, Los Angeles. Phew! Alright, I might be a little rusty. First the easy part. Whoa! Number 2 with a bullet. Alright, let me just swab the deck, okay? The old swabber. [Eric laughs as ALF changes his diaper ] There you go. Yeah, yeah. Now a, a little powder under your tush. [coughs as he puts baby powder on Eric's butt] Alright, here we go. A little powder under my tush. Yeah. Okay, now, a nice, clean diapie. Try to keep it that way. You know, this isn't so bad. I know I feel better. Yeah, you're a happy guy, aren't you? Yes, okay. You amuse yourself while I bury this bomb. Clear the area. Coming through. Watch your back.
[Lynn and Brian arrive home]
I can't believe you forgot your mitt.
They never play me anyway.
Here, catch. [throws the mitt to Brian] Better. I'm gonna go get Eric. [goes upstairs] ALF! ALF! Hm! I can't find ALF. He's probably somewhere out back. [picks up Eric from the crib] Hey, sweetie. [she arrives at the living room while Brian is angrily stepping on his mitt] Brian, tell ALF that mom called and asked me to get Eric. And you might want to take the price tag off the mitt. And hurry.
[angrily] YES, YOUR HEINIE.
[from outside] I heard that!
[yelling as he hears the car honking from outside] ALF! WE TOOK THE BABY! I'M COMING! I'M COMING!
Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!
[ALF is stuck in the chimney while he is finding Eric]
Eric! Eric, are you up here? Eric, this isn't funny anymore.
ALF!
Oh, hi, Willie. Whatever you do, don't go to the Chrysler Building in New York.
What are you doing in the chimney?
Well, it has nothing to do with Eric if that's what you're getting at. Willie! Willie! Can you get me out of here?
[at the end, ALF is sleeping in Eric's playpen with Eric]
Willie, what time does-
Shh, Kate. Look at this.
Oh, it's so cute, honey.
You think the day will ever come that he'll be able to walk out of here unafraid? Won't have to hide anymore?
I hope so. It's what keeps me going. Come on, let's get your jammies on. Let's get your jammies on. Daddy's going to come, too. [she and Willie leave] Yeah. Yeah.
[yawns] Ah! Oh, sorry, Eric. I must've dozed off. Eric! Eric! Oh, no! Not again! What are the odds? Got to get that kid a beeper.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
