[Willie and Brian are in the kitchen cleaning up after Kate's baby shower]
Dad, why do they call these cold cuts?
Oh, I don't know. Because they're cold and they're cut, I guess. Cold cuts. Uh, I don't know.
Well, what would you call them if you heated them up?
I don't know. I don't know nothing.
[comes in] Uh, hi, Mr. Tanner. Hi, squirt.
Not wrong exactly. More like missing.
What, did you lose something?
Look, I can't come right out and tell you. I said I wouldn't, then I got honor. You name some stuff that could be missing, and I'll tell you whether you're hot or cold.
How do you know he's missing?
My room. Top of the stairs, second door on your right.
[Willie drops the tray on the table and runs out to pick up ALF from the Ochmoneks house]
[still hiding at Jake's room at the Ochmoneks' house as throws a cloth to the lamp] Now the room is starting to work for me.
[opens Jake's room] ALF? What are you doing?
All that I can with these pieces.
[worried] Come home with me this instant!
I am home, Willie. I live here now. Would you give me a hand with that chiffonier?
[comes in Jake's room] Stop redecorating. What if Trevor and Raquel hear you?
Relax, Wilco. They're out in their garden seeing if any of their potatoes look like celebrities.
Why would you want to live here?
What do you care? You've got Kate, and Lynn, and Brian. And pretty soon you'll have that "B" word.
"B" word? What do you mean, the baby?
[sneezes] See, that's why I can't live with you anymore. I'm allergic to babies.
[sighs] What do you mean you're allergic to babies?
Somebody brought one to Kate's shower and put it in the nursery. Soon as I went near the kid, I nearly sneezed up a lung. [sneezes]
Well, you're sneezing now. There's no baby here.
Well, all I have to do is think about babies and I sneeze.
Well, there you are, ALF. You're not allergic! The whole thing is psychosomatic.
"Psychosomatic," what's that? A food processor at the Bates Motel?
It means you may think that this baby is gonna take your place.
Don't try to analyze me, I'm too complex.
Well, I'm worried about you, ALF.
Yeah. Well, don't bother. I'm no longer a concern of yours. I'm history, vapor, yesterday's old, stinky, smelly garbage with maggots all over it.
You know, when I married Kate, I loved her more than anything in the world. And then we had Lynn and Brian, and I found out I love them just as much. But that didn't mean that I loved Kate any the less. And then well, maybe, uh, it's not exactly the same, But, you know, we love ya, pal. We all do.
On whose behalf are you speaking?
Well, on my own, of course, and Lynn's and Brian's.
And I'm sure Kate, in her own special way, in her own particular way.
No one, believe me, no one could ever take your place. But if you really think that you'd like to live over here.
Well, well, this room and I really aren't in sync, and there's no sink in this room. But-
But if I'm to stay at your house, I want to be important to you guys. I want to be a part of things. I want to name your baby.
[offscreen] Jake, are you in there?
[Willie covers him with a blanket]
[opens Jake's door and sees the mess from Jake's room] Hello, Willie.
Oh, I was looking for our cat.
Well, when you're through in here, would you please put the furniture back the way you found it? [leaves]
[comes out] Let's go home and burp the baby.
No, the baby's not even born yet.
Then let's just go home and burp.
[at the end, ALF is sent back home in his room]
[reading "The Berenstain Bears' New Baby" book to ALF] "We will have a new baby soon who will need that little bed," said Papa Bear. "A new baby?" asked Small Bear. He hadn't noticed that Mama Bear had grown very round lately, "Although he had noticed it was harder and harder to sit on her lap."
[comes in] Mom, dad's looking for you. He can't find his dental floss.
Tell him to look in the toilet tank. [Kate and Lynn glare at him] Don't ask. [Kate leaves]
ALF, isn't this book a little young for you?
I know that. You know that. Apparently no one's told Kate.
Nah. Her maternal instinct's in overdrive. If she wants to think of me as her I can handle it.
That's very nice of you, ALF.
Here. [gives the book to ALF and she leaves as the episode ends]
I can't wait to see how this turns out.
Willie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?
Yeah, going on three years now.
No, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.
Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.
Then I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!
[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]
[off-camera from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's me!
[Willie opens the door.]
Good morning. I'll take it.
Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]
[reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?
Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.
No. I mean, we're not selling the house.
Someone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.
Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel. [closes door and walks away disappointed]
[Willie comes out of the kitchen and sees the mess that ALF made in the living room]
ALF, I'd like to hear about it one more time.
Don't torture yourself, Willie.
Just once more. Why'd you flood the house?
I wanted to make a skating rink.
And how are you planning to freeze the water?
By turning the air conditioner on high.
I'd like to hear about it one more time. Just one more, come on.
This is not a bergman movie, Willie. It's fairly cut and dried. Water, air conditioner, holiday on ice.
I'm going to go for a little while. I'm going to rent a pump for the basement. Just tell me one more time. Just one more-
Willie, go rent your pump.
Now, I'm going to rent A PUMP! [leaves the house]
What was all that about? [telephone rings and he answers it] Your 2 dimes.
ACAnonymous Caller
Gordon Shumway?
ACAnonymous Caller
This is someone who knows you're an alien. And if you don't pay me $3,000 by Friday, I'm going to turn you in to the authorities.
Ah, the number you have reached is not in service. Please hang up and dial again.
ACAnonymous Caller
Don't get cute. I'll call you back tomorrow morning with more details, pinhead. [hangs up the phone]
Ah. Ok. Don't panic. Willie'll help you. He always helps you. I'm dog food.
[ALF is in the attic using binoculars]
[comes in the attic] Hi, ALF.
Sorry. I saw your light on.
You can't sleep? How do you expect me to sleep? In 24 hours, I'm going to be hamburger helper.
Would you stop the ground meat metaphors? Nobody's going to turn you in to the authorities.
You don't believe me either, do you, Lynn?
You know, if mom and dad really thought you were in danger, they'd do something about it. So why don't you just get some sleep, ok?
Ok. I'll see you in the morning.
Night, Lynn. [the telephone rings as he answers it again] Hello?
ACAnonymous Caller
Gordon Shumway?
ACAnonymous Caller
You got the money?
Um, I'm working on it. Who should I make the check out to?
ACAnonymous Caller
Nice try, pinhead. But you better come up with the cash or it's too bad about the Tanners.
ACAnonymous Caller
They're gonna be in a lot of trouble for keeping you, but I guess a little jail time never hurt anyone. [laughs evilly and hangs up the phone]
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. And so do I.
[arrives at the farm after running away from the Tanners] Hello? Anyone in here? I, uh I ran out of gas just down the road. Hello? Interesting aroma. Oh, hey, I don't suppose you have a key to the house. I need to use the phone. [the cow moos] Sorry. I guess I can relate to you. We're all prisoners in one way or another. But must it be so? I cannot change my own destiny, Maybe I could change yours. Go! Get along, little doggy. Yee-hah!
Willie, how did you find me?
I saw the car parked down by the side of the road. I followed the empty candy wrappers here.
I was going to pick them up on my way back. They were to help me find the car.
You neglected to fill the tank.
ALF, you don't have to turn yourself in.
No, no, I know who's blackmailing you. And he doesn't think you're an alien, alien. He thinks that you're an illegal alien.
You mean I almost turned myself in because of semantics? [yelling] I ALMOST TURNED MYSELF IN BECAUSE OF SEMANTICS!
ALF, why did you- Why didn't you come to me before you did something this drastic?
I did come to you. If you'll recall, you didn't believe me.
Oh, I know. I'm sorry, pal.
Besides, he threatened to have you guys arrested. I thought I'd work through this myself.
ALF, what was the last thing you tried to do by yourself?
Build a skating rink in the living room. Egad! A pattern.
We'd better get out of here before somebody sees you.
Ok, but wait. We can't leave my friend.
Yeah. I named her after your wife.
Bossy. Besides, you know what happens to them.
ALF, this is a milk cow. They don't slaughter milk cows.
They don't? You lying cow! Come on. Let's hit the trail, Willie Earp.
[sees a light flashing] Somebody's coming.
I'll hide in the kitchen. Where's the kitchen?
FFarmer
[turns on the light and meets Willie] Who are you?
I'm Willie Tanner. I'm from the city.
FFarmer
What're you doing here?
FFarmer
I know what you're doing. You're a chicken thief!
FFarmer
I really hate thieves. They're always taking things that don't belong to them. You win.
Well, look here, My car ran out of gas down the road. I was just wondering if, maybe, i could get some from you?
FFarmer
Why didn't you say so? Sure. I can fill this up for you, I got a tank.
Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Say, how much would you want for that?
FFarmer
The nearest gas station is a 4-hour walk. Kind of cold to be walking in jammies. Thank you. I'll go fill this up for you. [leaves the farm as ALF comes out]
He was nice. Why didn't you tip him?
Just get back to the car.
Ok. Race you back to town.
No. There's not going to be any racing. Kate's going to drive our car, I'm going to take Trevor's.
Ok. Just a second. Bossy, it's been a pleasure. Take care of yourself and watch that cholesterol, huh?
Jake. Jake of diamonds. Jake K-L-M-N-O-P. [Jake rolls the dice] Are you still thinking about that girl?
Ever since I saw her star in that school play, I can't think of nothin' else.
What do they call this temptress?
And how does, Laura, feel about, Jake?
She doesn't know I'm alive!
No problem! You walk up to her and say: "Hi, I'm Jake Ockhmonek, feel my pulse."
[comes in the garage] Hi, ALF.
Willie, what's another word for beautiful?
What's another word for attractive?
What's another word for alluring?
What's another word for annoying?
That doesn't work. It doesn't rhyme with Oh, Baby.
What are you working on there?
This is a missive of love onnbehalf of young Jake Ochmonek.
Disgustingly so. But he thinks of himself as just another scrawny gawky, geeky kid. You remember the feeling, Willie.
You better, uh, you better be careful, ALF. You can get into trouble playing Cyrano.
No, I'm talking about "Cyrano de Bergerac." It's a play. I-I've got a copy of it somewhere. It's-it's a classical French play about a man named Christian who falls in love with a beautiful woman but he is too embarrassed to talk to her.
WWiliie
Exactly. So he gets his friend Cyrano to-to write a letter to the girl for him because Cyrano is-is so gifted and sensitive.
Cyrano's a great romantic but he is ashamed to talk to women in person because he's got a very big, [pause] and they all lived happily ever after.
Whoa, whoa! Big-big-big, big what?
Well, why didn't you say so?
Well, I thought I, I mean, I, I thought I-
You thought I might be offended because this Cyrano guy had a jumbo hooter and I happen to take a husky in snout warmers?
No problem. I'm not that vain.
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I, I guess I misjudged you.
[ALF is cooking his breakfast at the stove]
[walks in the kitchen] Morning.
Relax, it's just my June bug scallopini.
Hence the crackling noise.
Please, Willie. You fry caterpillars. June bugs you sautee.
[closes the pan] Go sit. [ALF walks away]
Mmm, what smells so good?
ALF, do you have something in the oven?
Someone accidentally knocked it into his fish tank, Willie.
I didn't say you did. I did it. So I put it in the oven to dry.
[Willie takes Brain's history book from the oven]
Oh, no! No! I'm-I'm doomed!
For Melmackians, It's bad luck to destroy a history book.
You mean bad luck like when you open an umbrella indoors?
Worse. Bad luck like jilting a mafia princess.
[Kate screams as the pan starts to get on fire]
[sees his burned history book in the sink] My history book is history.
My life is history. I'm an accursed Melmackian. I belong in the realm of the- Gosh darned.
Ours was a polite society.
I don't get it. Why is it bad luck to destroy a history book?
Because Melmacians have a great respect for books. If you destroy a history book, you cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past.
That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"
Wait. I don't make fun of your stupid planet. Electoral college.
How long is this curse thing supposed to last?
I'm looking at 7 years of bad luck followed by 7 years of really bad luck.
[Lynn comes in the kitchen]
Who was that at the door, sweetheart?
Dad, really. You make it sound like I'm 12 years old.
Oh, I'm sorry. What's the problem?
Just a little, difficulty with, a guy.
And you say you understand your daughter.
Danny can't go to the dance tomorrow night.
I was really looking forward to it.
Well, isn't there somebody else you can go with?
I think I might be free. I'll check my week at a glance.
It wouldn't be right to get another date. Danny and I are going steady. Kind of.
Well, did you exchange socks?
What exactly are you talking about?
The 3 stages of courtship on Melmac exchange left socks, trade bellybutton lint and spit in each other's soup. Well, you got to admit it's a bond.
When did you and Danny decide that you were going steady?
There wasn't one specific moment.
But he's not seeing any other girls?
He didn't say that exactly.
But he doesn't want you to date other guys?
I don't know. He probably doesn't.
So you have no promises, no lint, no spit. What do you have?
If you need me, I'll be in my room.
This problem would be solved if she would just hocktooey into Danny's chowder.
Know what's wrong with you, Willie? No sense of romance.
[confronts ALF] ALF, what have you done?
Nothing. It's Danny. You shouldn't date somebody so unreliable.
Just that he could make it back in time for the dance after all.
Don't worry. I told him not to bother 'cause you had another date. You're welcome.
It's not a real date, it's just Randy. Because we're friends and we were not going not together.
Don't panic. I not know what not to do.
Call Randy, you tell him you have amnesia. Better yet, tell him he has amnesia. He'll buy that. Alright, you tell him the truth. Your boyfriend's back and he's gonna be in trouble. Hey na, hey na, your boyfriend's back.
I was going to explain to Danny that I'm just going with Randy as a friend. Now, thanks to you he's gonna think that I'm seeing somebody else! There's Randy! But don't think this means you're off the hook!
[goes into the kitchen] Well, this is the last time I play Kelly Girl for you.
Good! [opens the door revealing it's Danny] Danny.
DDanny
You, uh, you mind if I come in?
