[returns back home after hiding in the car by ALF] Hi, ALF.
How did you do that? You didn't even move your little rabbit lips.
Brian, you're not a rabbit!
Willie[as he and Kate found him] Oh, Brian!
I was hiding in the car. But I got hungry.
Willie
Why were you hiding in the car?
I wanted ALF to think he made me disappear so he wouldn't think he's a bad magician.
Oh! Oh, honey. It was nice of you not to want ALF to feel bad but we were very, very worried about you.
Yeah! I thought I turned you into a rabbit.
Sorry, mom, dad. Sorry, ALF. I guess I messed up the trick.
That's okay, Bri. Now you can clean up your own pellets.
[ALF burps after having his dinner]
3. Number 4 still hasn't digested that Reebok.
Willie
[arrives home] Hi, everyone.
Gentlemen, start your enzymes.
Willie
I'm sorry, I'm late.
Don't tell me. That new guy at work held you up again.
Willie
Yeah. Once that Jim starts talking to us, it's impossible to get away. This time I actually had my hand on the car door before he got me.
Who is this guy? The idiot son of the boss?
Willie
No, he's just an idiot.
Well, you better not be late tomorrow night. Or have you forgotten about helping me Put up the satellite dish?
Oh. I ordered a satellite dish. It'll be here tomorrow. Will you help me put it up?
Willie
I'll help you send it back.
Can't. I bought it during their "Absolutely No Refunds What Are You Deaf?" sale.
Willie
[panicking] Absolutely no refunds?!
[Willie is driving Jimbo home]
JJimbo
But how many canals are actually being built today? I really like your car, Willie. I don't know whypeople are always bad-mouthing domestic cars. There are more important things than good mileage styling and resale value.
Willie
Thank you, Jim.
JJimbo
Please. I keep asking you call me "Jimbo".
Willie
N-no. Come on. I'm the only Jim you'll ever meet who'll let you call him "Jimbo". Live a little, Willie.
Willie
So, uh, you from California originally?
JJimbo
I was born in Seattle. I attended school, graduating in 1974 from NYU.
Willie
I worked in record promotions prior to my current job at Social Services. My hobbies are saving whales and driving my DeLorean.
JJimbo
That's quite a life.
Willie
No book offers yet. [laughs]
JJimbo
Speaking of your DeLorean, when are you gonna get it out of the shop?
Willie
I'm in no hurry. I'd rather they fix it right than fast.
JJimbo
Fast is good, too.
Willie
Well, here we are.
JJimbo
This is my apartment.
Willie
It's lovely. Goodnight.
JJimbo
When you said you'd take me home tonight
Willie
I assumed...you meant your home. Well, why would you.. I mean, what made you think that?
JJimbo
I just assumed you invited me home to dinner.
Willie
Oh.
JJimbo
Oh, no, that's okay. I'm getting pretty good at making macaroni and cheese. I'll get better when they fix my stove.
Willie
I don't suppose you...
Willie
Can I bring a can or something?
[Willie and Kate quietly come in the kitchen]
ALF! How long have you been out here?
Long enough to hate little orphan whiney with every fiber of my being.
Willie
It's not his fault he's an orphan.
Wanna bet? He probably bored his parents to death.
Honey, it is time for him to go home.
Willie
I'm trying, Kate! The man cannot take a hint!
See if he can take a swift kick in the butt.
Willie
Alright, he's taken advantage of us long enough! I'm going to have to be firm with him!
"Firm?" Oh-h-h! I haven't you this worked up since the time you were "adamant." [Willie leaves the kitchen] Too rough? [Kate walks away]
[outside with a bat late at night] This is the city. Los Angeles, California. I was working the night watch out of the backyard. Today is Friday. My name is ALF. I carry a bat. Whoa, someone's lurking in the bushes. Cat burglar. [Willie screams and gets caught in ALF's trap] Wha.. Oh, an intruder! [he screams and attacks Willie]
Willie
Oh! Oh! Ow! ALF, no! ALF, what are you doing?
Protecting the family from murderers! You were the last person I would have suspected, Willie.
Willie
[groans] I'm not a murderer, yet!
Yeah, maybe I should come back when you're in a better mood.
Willie
Get me down from here!
[voiceover] Hey, Tanner, is that you?
[ALF leaves the backyard as Trevor opens the gate and checks on Willie]
Willie
Trevor, what I'm doing, is very complicated and it requires all my concentration. So if you'd please care to come back later, I'd be happy to answer any questions at that time. Thank you, and goodnight.
Goodnight. [closes the gate]
Willie
[angrily] LET ME DOWN!
Okay, okay. [he cuts Willie down]
Willie
[lying on the grass] ALF, would you come over here for a minute?
Willie
Would you just.. Would you mind just coming.. Coming here just within my reach, PLEASE?
You appear to be at the end of my rope.
Willie
I thought I told you to go to bed!
Willie, one of us has to insure domestic tranquility. And provide for the common defense. Besides, you didn't say, "Simon says".
[wakes up as hears a strange noise] What.. Oh. A stranger approaches. Steady, ALF. Steady. Don't soil yourself. [Jimbo jumps over the fence, he walks around the backyard, and gets caught in ALF's trap] Behold. Excalibur.
Willie
[comes to the backyard] ALF? What was that?
Willie, you're just in time. I caught a murderer! [Willie gasps and falls down to the hole that Jimbo fell on] Don't mention it.
Willie
He's out cold.
My guess would be that he hit his head on your sewer pipe.
[as she and Lynn arrive at the backyard late at night] What's going on, ALF?
Why is dad going through the pockets of man in a hole in our backyard at night?
Because we have an alien.
Oh, right. What are you looking for?
Willie
His wallet.
Okay, but we split 50/50.
Willie
I am looking for identification!
You're wasting your time! No criminal's gonna carry ID on him!
Willie
Unless he's an FBI agent.
[gasps] I disavow any knowledge of my actions. Bye!
[Kate and Willie go into the backyard to look for ALF]
Willie
ALF?
Willie
Maybe he's in the garage.
[gets up from the hole] Ah, oh, ow!' Oh, ah. Stupid pipe!
Willie
ALF, guess what? For once your overreacting actually paid off. That guy you caught really was a crook! As it turns out, you are a hero!
Well, that's nice. Really great. Just 1 question.
[at the end, the family gives ALF a homemade medal for his bravery]
Willie
For meritorious service above and beyond the call of duty we hereby present to you the Tanner Medal of Honor.
Shucks, folks. I'm speechless, almost. 11 score and 12 years ago. [reads from a book] My parents brought forth a new hero conceived in a De Soto, and dedicated-
[interrupted ALF's reading] ALF. ALF, wrap it up or we take the medal back.
As God as my witness I'll never be hungry again. Thank you. [the family claps for him] And now, Kate, how about making me a hero sandwich? [laughs, but he hides under the table as Trevor knocks on the door]
[Willie opens the door and finds Trevor cover by ALF's trap]
Willie
I believe so, yes.
You got something I could cut Raquel down with?
Willie
I think there's something in the garage. I'll help you.
If you don't want people taking avocados from your tree just say so. [he and Willie leave the house]
[gets up as Kate stares at him] Last trap, I promise.
JOJake Ochmonek
Hey, this is the problem, the spark plugs! Jake does some work OK, Mr. Tanner, start it up!
Willie starts engine and it sputters to life
Willie
Wow! Thank you, Jake!
JOJake Ochmonek
You are welcome. Hey, I do not want to sound conspiratorial, but it looked as if the wires were cut just shy of being severed. Wonder why that is?
It means Willie was gypped!
Willie
ALF!
JOJake Ochmonek
Actually, ALF may be on to something. There have been fraud cases where mechanics fix one part of the car then sabotage another part to create unneccesary repeat business.
Remember, Kate, I like my waffles crisp, yet al dente. Cooked to a golden amber, and served piping hot on a gently warmed plate. [Kate puts the waffle on his plate] How does she do it?
Do you want some maple syrup, ALF?
On waffles? How gauche. Get me the garlic salt?
Willie
Guess what? The car won't start again.
Willie
3 times in 2 weeks. Every time they fix 1 thing, something else goes wrong.
Well, I don't get it. Why keep spending money on something that doesn't work and causes nothing but aggravation?
Somehow we've gotten used to it. [ALF burps] Sort of.
Speaking of aggravation we're out of garlic salt.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! Guess who?
Let me take a stab. It's the wacky next door neighbor. [hides under the table]
Willie
Come on in, Trevor.
Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate. Hi, kids.
Willie
Hi Trevor.
I just stopped by to see if you needed a ride to work again.
Willie
Well, as a matter of fact, I do. My car won't start again.
You should let Jake take a look at it. Kid could fix anything, has my car running like Florence Joyner. Oh, by the way, Jake will be doing the driving this morning. I hope you don't mind.
I didn't know Jake could drive.
Willie
I think I mind.
He just got his learner's permit. I'm teaching him. Kid's a natural. 5 days he's been driving, hasn't hit a living thing. We'll bring the car out front.
[hiding under the table] Yo, Lynn, you could use a pedicure. [Lynn kicks him from under the table] Ow!
[Willie is fixing the car in the garage and he bumps his head on the car's hood when ALF honks at the car]
Willie
Ow!
Willie
Thank you.
Why don't we just kill this thing for the insurance money? We'll make it look like an accident.
Willie
[sees Jake come in the garage] Oh, hello, Jake.
Hi, Mr. Tanner. Hey, ALF.
What brings you over, Jake-Speare?
Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are showing slides from their trip to Carlsbad caverns. All 400 of them.
Willie
I've seen those. 216 stalactites. 184 stalagmites.
Those are the ones. Still having car trouble, huh?
Yeah, but have no fear. It's being handled by Mr. No-Goodwrench.
Willie
Be my guest. I got a hunch it's the distributor.
Well, that rules out the distributor!
No, here's your problem. It's the spark plug wire. I'll have it fixed in no time.
Willie
Well, thanks, Jake.
Don't be embarrassed, Willie.
Willie
Oh, I'm not embarrassed.
Not everybody can fix things.
Willie
I'm not embarrassed.
I'm sure there are several things you could do that--
Willie
I'm not embarrassed.
Ok, Mr. Tanner. Start her up when I say now. Ok, now. [car engine starts]
[car engine stops]
Willie
Jake, what can I say? Thank you.
You never thank me when I humiliate you.
You know, I can't be sure, but it looks like somebody cut that wire on purpose, then just patched it together real loose. Has anybody been under the hood lately?
Don't look at me. I just honked the horn.
Willie
Well, I have been taking the car to a new mechanic lately, but I-
There's your problem. The guy's a crook.
Willie
Oh, ALF, don't jump to conclusions like that.
No, I saw it on 60 Minutes. These mechanics fix 1 thing, Then they break something else so you keep coming back.
You know, ALF could be right, Mr. Tanner. I've heard of that scam, too, on that David Horowitz Show.
Willie
Well, why don't I just give the garage a call? There must be a simple explanation for this broken wire.
Yeah, you got took. Conned. Nicked and clipped. You got your horn swoggled and your film flamed.
Willie
[on the phone] Hello, Sam, it's Willie Tanner here. Yes, it's nice to hear your voice again, too. Listen, Sam, I wonder if you noticed anything unusual about my car. Uh, engine wise, I mean. Uh, like, say, uh, severed wire.
Yo crook! This is Mike Wallace! You're under arrest! [Willie walks away]
Willie
No, I'm not accusing you, but it is possible. Not that I'm accusing you, mind, but-but you understand. That's not an accusation.
If memory serves Bob Newhart is much funnier doing his phone bit.
Willie
Well, I guess we have nothing more to say to one another. [hangs up the phone] You know, I'm beginning to think you may be right. I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau.
Have them throw the book at this guy. Preferably something by James Michener.
We've found him. We've found Elvis.
Willie
Oh, good. I was getting tired of looking for him.
I'm serious, Willie. The king lives 2 doors down.
Willie
Oh, come on.
Well, look, Raquel said this guy's in his 50s, he has a Southern accent, and he likes to sing.
Willie
Who else could it be? Willie Nelson, Jerry Lee Lewis, Huckleberry Hound?
No, no, no. Those guys would never live next to the Ochmonek's.
Willie
I give up.
I can be logical if I have to. The man's name is Aaron King. Elvis' middle name was Aaron and he was king of Rock 'n' Roll.
Willie
I'm not convinced.
OK. How about this? Hank Aaron is baseball's home run king and Elvis loved baseball.
Willie
ALF, you are grasping at straws.
[shouts at Willie] OK. Listen to this. Aaron Burr wanted to be King of America and he was from the South, just like Elvis. [Willie runs away to the kitchen] Well, at least I got his watch.
[pops his head up] Elvis has left the building!
Willie
It was not Elvis Presley.
Are you kidding? He was on that sandwich like red beans on rice.
ALF, he didn't seem like Elvis to me either.
Elvis was a brilliant actor. He could play anything from a singing race car driver to a singing deep sea diver.
Willie
Even if this man were Elvis Presley, and I assure you he's not, he would never admit it.
I bet I can get it out of him.
Willie
[yelling] Leave the man alone! Leave him alone!
So what are you saying? Leave the man alone? [Willie and Lynn leave the garage after they ignored ALF's question] I won't rest till I prove this man is Elvis Presley. [yawns] But first, I think I'll take a nap.
[Willie and Brian are in the kitchen cleaning up after Kate's baby shower]
Dad, why do they call these cold cuts?
Willie
Oh, I don't know. Because they're cold and they're cut, I guess. Cold cuts. Uh, I don't know.
Well, what would you call them if you heated them up?
Willie
I don't know. I don't know nothing.
Willie
Yeah, come on in.
[comes in] Uh, hi, Mr. Tanner. Hi, squirt.
Willie
Hello, Jake. What's up?
Willie
Something wrong?
Not wrong exactly. More like missing.
Willie
What, did you lose something?
Look, I can't come right out and tell you. I said I wouldn't, then I got honor. You name some stuff that could be missing, and I'll tell you whether you're hot or cold.
Willie
How do you know he's missing?
Willie
Where is he?
My room. Top of the stairs, second door on your right.
[Willie drops the tray on the table and runs out to pick up ALF from the Ochmoneks house]
ALF · 397 quotes
