Dean Rivers quotes from Zoey 101

Dean Rivers

I'm not going to ask you again. Who did this?

Chase

Technically, sir, you did just ask again.

Dean Rivers

Chase!

Chase

Sorry.

Dean Rivers, your wife is here to see you.

Dean Rivers

My wife? Uh, tell her I'm not here!

Mrs. Rivers, he's not in there.

Don't give me that! Carl! [she enters Dean's room with a bill] Carl, what kind of grown man spends $2000 on video games?! Carl?!? CARL!?!

Dean Rivers

[takes the voice command machine from under his desk] Dogs!

Dean Rivers

Thank you, Quinn.

Dean Rivers

Why are the police here?

(recognizing one of the cops) John Jones! (drops plate of ribs and runs off)

There he is!

He's running!

Get him!

Don't let him get away!

Cuff him, fellas!

Zoey

What was that about?

(puts handcuffs on Pierre LeMange) You're under arrest. Come on, let's go.

Dean Rivers

(confused) Why is Pierre LeMange under arrest?

Well, this guy's not Pierre LeMange.

Coco

(outraged) WHAT?!

He's an imposter. He goes around the country pretending he's Mr. LeMange so he can get free stuff and special V.I.P. treatment.

Chase

(outraged) No way!

Logan

(outraged) For real?!

Yup. We've been chasing this guy ever since the Burbank tamale festival.

Zoey

(outraged) Oh, my God!

Michael

(confused) Burbank has a tamale festival?

Put him in the car.

Coco

(running after the fake Pierre LeMange) WAIT! WAIT FOR COCO!

(through bullhorn) Step away from the car!

(as police car drives away with him in it) Uh, you have sauce all over your face.

Logan

(sarcastic) Great! This whole rib cook-off was for nothing!

Chase

No it wasn't.

Lola

Yeah, we had some fun, had some ribs, got to see some cops tackle some fake dude.

Dean Rivers

(after the fire alarm has gone off) All right, all right, the good news is there's no fire.(They cheer) Wait, wait. The bad news, one of you obviously pulled the fire alarm for no reason. Would the person who did it like to confess? (nobody talks) I didn't think so. All right, let me be clear. Pulling a fire alarm is not funny. (laughter is heard) It's a serious offense. If it happens again, and I don't find out who it is, I'm giving this entire dorm detention. (the boys start complaining) Now, go back to bed.

Logan

OK, whoever pulled the alarm, if you do it again, you're getting your butt kicked.

Michael

Yeah, a fake fire alarm is not drippin'. (all of the boys look at Michael)

Chase

Saying drippin' is not drippin'.

Michael

Hey, hey! You can't use the term against itself. [to himself] I hate when people disrespect my term... I need some French fries.

Dean Rivers

(after the fire alarm has gone off for the second night) All right, I told you what would happen if someone pulled that fire alarm again. All of you have detention this Saturday. (all of the boys groan as they start to walk inside)

Who keeps pulling that stupid alarm?! [to a nerd] Was it you?!

No! No, I-I-I'd never do any- [bully pushes him to the ground] Ow! Ow, ow, rupture!

Chase

Whoa, hey! We're not gonna solve this problem by shoving random nerds.

Oooooooh! Excuse me, voice of reason!

Michael

Look, I'm tired of being woken up in the middle of the night when I'm dreaming about... [the others look at him] You people don't need to know what I dream about!

Logan

Well, I don't like detention.

Neither do I!

Chase

Hey! How about we take turns, staying up, hiding, watching the fire alarm? That way, we'll catch whoever's doing it.

That's good.

Michael

Yeah! That idea's drippin!

Chase

It's not gonna catch on. [they start to walk back inside]

Michael

Yes, it will.

Logan

Sweet! My J-Phone just downloaded three new shows and two movie previews!

Michael

Oh, will you quit showing off your fancy Asian phone?

Logan

Ooh, what, you're not gonna say it's drippin?

Michael

Hey, hey. Don't you mock drippin'. Don't you mock my new word!

'Scuse me, is that the J-Phone, from Japan?

Logan

Yeah, but uh... [whispers] Don't say anything okay? They're not legal in America. [winks]

I'm aware of that. [takes the J-Phone from Logan]

Logan

Hey!

Dean Rivers, can you come over here please?

[shows him the J-Phone] Here's what's been setting off the fire alarm every night. [points at Logan] This kid's cellphone.

Logan

Huh?

It's called a J-Phone, made in Japan. They're illegal in the U.S. because they operate on restricted frequencies used by police and fire departments. [glares at Logan] Frequencies that set off fire alarms.

You're a dead man, Reese.

Yeah!

Logan

[laughs] Right, I'm sure you're all just gonna beat me up, right here in front of Dean Rivers.

Chief Beck, our coffee's ready!

Oh! Coffee!

Dean Rivers

Let's get some.

Logan

Uh, Dean Rivers? [the boys move towards him] Dean? Sir!

Chase

Uh... [clears throat] Run. [Logan runs]

Let's get him! [the other boys form an angry mob and run after Logan, except Chase and Michael]

[crying] Are you gonna fire me?

Dean Rivers

Well, duh!

Lola

Get out of here, you nutbar!

Dean Rivers

You both know why you're here? [neither Michael nor Logan talks] Well? You want to confess?

Michael

I'm sorry! My apple tasted funny so I just heaved it! I didn't know it was gonna hit that squirrel!

Logan

I have no idea what he's talking about.

Dean Rivers

This isn't about squirrels or fruit!

Dean Rivers

Did you, or did you not leave that message on Dustin's voicemail?

Logan

Yeah, but I didn't want anybody else to hear it.

Dean Rivers

Everybody's heard it. Half of America has heard it. It's all over the web. You have brought disgrace to Pacific Coast Academy and-- What are you doing?

Logan

Just checking some sport scores. You should get one of these--

Dean Rivers

Stop speaking! You should never have left that voicemail, it was out of control.

Logan

OK, I get it. No more angry voicemails. Now can I please go work on my tan while the sun is still out?

Dean Rivers

You don't get it.

Logan

Get what?

Dean Rivers

I've had calls from the PCA Board of Directors, the Alumni Association, and I've heard from dozens of parents, all of them complained about that vicious voicemail you left Dustin. A lot of people want me to expel you.

Logan

Then why don't you tell them all, that my dad donates a million dollars a year to this school, which makes me untouchable.

Dean Rivers

Your daddy's money isn't going to help you this time.

Logan

Come on, you can't expel me.

Dean Rivers

I'm sending you to a 10 week class in anger management.

Logan

Why?!

Dean Rivers

Because you have an anger problem.

Logan

I do not! This whole thing is just stupid. I don't have an anger problem!

Michael

But I just got a new mug!

Dean Rivers

Then fill it with chowder!

Michael

Chowder?

Zoey

Well, none of the kids at PCA think it was fair of you to ban the coffee carts in the first place.

Dean Rivers

Who asked you?

Zoey

You just did.

Dean Rivers

Don't twist my words. When I ban something from this campus, it's banned! For you, for me, for everyone! [looks at Quinn's laser gun] And what is this thing? [picks it up]

Quinn

I wouldn't touch that.

Dean Rivers

I am the dean of this... (accidentally shoots a laser at his cupboard that destroys it)

Lola

What is that?

Dean Rivers

(tries to hide it) Nothing! Let's forget about this whole thing, dismissed!

Michael

(takes the coffee kettle) My goodness.

Quinn

Is that coffee?

Zoey

It looks like coffee!

Michael

It smells like coffee!

Logan

I am gabberflasted! [Everyone looks at him weirdly] I AM SHOCKED!

Dean Rivers

I am flabbergasted, flabbergasted! Do you understand me?

Dean Rivers

What don't you understand, Logan?

Logan

What flabbergasted means...

Dean Rivers

It means I am shocked and outraged that you kids would defy PCA rules and run two illegal coffee shops right under my nose! I banned the coffee shops for a reason, and I expect my rules to be respected! Well, what do you have to say? (Everyone looks at Zoey)