Michael Barret quotes from Zoey 101

Quinn

I thought Chase was over Zoey!

Lola

So did I.

Chase

What do you mean? There was no two year crush on Zoey! Right, Michael?

Michael

(sarcastic) Yes, there was no crush, you silly people.

Zoey

I can't believe the three of you took on the whole football team!

Logan

Four of us...

Michael

Yeah, Del Figgalo helped. Sorta.

Quinn

(yelling) Mark! My Mark!

Michael

Hey, hey, hey! There is nothing funny about a young man with a scooter caught in his pants!

Lola

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes, there is.

Zoey

There really is.

Quinn

How'd it happen?

Michael

[to Zoey] It's her fault!

Zoey

How's it my fault?!

Michael

You went and got me all excited about Lisa, then I got nervous!

Lola

You like Lisa? Aw, how cute!

Michael

Oh, it is NOT cute! I can't even talk to the girl without something like this happening!

Lola

Awwwww.

Chase

Hey, could you guys quiet it down a little bit?

Michael

I'm trying! This thing won't... it won't stop!

Chase

Okay, that's it! You people .are too loud! [he takes his computer and starts to leave]

Lola

Oh, wait! Happy birthday!

Chase

BLAH! [he walks out]

Quinn

He doesn't seem too happy for a birthday boy.

Logan

Hello...

Michael

Hello...

Chase

Hello...

HIIIIIII!

Chase

Aww...Now that's nice.

Michael

What's nice?

Zoey

Seeing you two cooperate.

Logan

Well, ribs do bring people together.

Dean Rivers

Why are the police here?

(recognizing one of the cops) John Jones! (drops plate of ribs and runs off)

There he is!

He's running!

Get him!

Don't let him get away!

Cuff him, fellas!

Zoey

What was that about?

(puts handcuffs on Pierre LeMange) You're under arrest. Come on, let's go.

Dean Rivers

(confused) Why is Pierre LeMange under arrest?

Well, this guy's not Pierre LeMange.

Coco

(outraged) WHAT?!

He's an imposter. He goes around the country pretending he's Mr. LeMange so he can get free stuff and special V.I.P. treatment.

Chase

(outraged) No way!

Logan

(outraged) For real?!

Yup. We've been chasing this guy ever since the Burbank tamale festival.

Zoey

(outraged) Oh, my God!

Michael

(confused) Burbank has a tamale festival?

Put him in the car.

Coco

(running after the fake Pierre LeMange) WAIT! WAIT FOR COCO!

(through bullhorn) Step away from the car!

(as police car drives away with him in it) Uh, you have sauce all over your face.

Logan

(sarcastic) Great! This whole rib cook-off was for nothing!

Chase

No it wasn't.

Lola

Yeah, we had some fun, had some ribs, got to see some cops tackle some fake dude.

Logan

Oh... my God.

Chase

I'll never be the same.

Michael

Now, I know why they call 'em chopsticks.

Chase

Uh, you okay there, Dustin? [Dustin just stares at the blank TV screen]

Logan

Come on, kid, it was just a movie, not like they're gonna come and-- [Dustin gets up and runs out of the room]

Dean Rivers

(after the fire alarm has gone off) All right, all right, the good news is there's no fire.(They cheer) Wait, wait. The bad news, one of you obviously pulled the fire alarm for no reason. Would the person who did it like to confess? (nobody talks) I didn't think so. All right, let me be clear. Pulling a fire alarm is not funny. (laughter is heard) It's a serious offense. If it happens again, and I don't find out who it is, I'm giving this entire dorm detention. (the boys start complaining) Now, go back to bed.

Logan

OK, whoever pulled the alarm, if you do it again, you're getting your butt kicked.

Michael

Yeah, a fake fire alarm is not drippin'. (all of the boys look at Michael)

Chase

Saying drippin' is not drippin'.

Michael

Hey, hey! You can't use the term against itself. [to himself] I hate when people disrespect my term... I need some French fries.

Dean Rivers

(after the fire alarm has gone off for the second night) All right, I told you what would happen if someone pulled that fire alarm again. All of you have detention this Saturday. (all of the boys groan as they start to walk inside)

Who keeps pulling that stupid alarm?! [to a nerd] Was it you?!

No! No, I-I-I'd never do any- [bully pushes him to the ground] Ow! Ow, ow, rupture!

Chase

Whoa, hey! We're not gonna solve this problem by shoving random nerds.

Oooooooh! Excuse me, voice of reason!

Michael

Look, I'm tired of being woken up in the middle of the night when I'm dreaming about... [the others look at him] You people don't need to know what I dream about!

Logan

Well, I don't like detention.

Neither do I!

Chase

Hey! How about we take turns, staying up, hiding, watching the fire alarm? That way, we'll catch whoever's doing it.

That's good.

Michael

Yeah! That idea's drippin!

Chase

It's not gonna catch on. [they start to walk back inside]

Michael

Yes, it will.

Logan

Sweet! My J-Phone just downloaded three new shows and two movie previews!

Michael

Oh, will you quit showing off your fancy Asian phone?

Logan

Ooh, what, you're not gonna say it's drippin?

Michael

Hey, hey. Don't you mock drippin'. Don't you mock my new word!

'Scuse me, is that the J-Phone, from Japan?

Logan

Yeah, but uh... [whispers] Don't say anything okay? They're not legal in America. [winks]

I'm aware of that. [takes the J-Phone from Logan]

Logan

Hey!

Dean Rivers, can you come over here please?

[shows him the J-Phone] Here's what's been setting off the fire alarm every night. [points at Logan] This kid's cellphone.

Logan

Huh?

It's called a J-Phone, made in Japan. They're illegal in the U.S. because they operate on restricted frequencies used by police and fire departments. [glares at Logan] Frequencies that set off fire alarms.

You're a dead man, Reese.

Yeah!

Logan

[laughs] Right, I'm sure you're all just gonna beat me up, right here in front of Dean Rivers.

Chief Beck, our coffee's ready!

Oh! Coffee!

Dean Rivers

Let's get some.

Logan

Uh, Dean Rivers? [the boys move towards him] Dean? Sir!

Chase

Uh... [clears throat] Run. [Logan runs]

Let's get him! [the other boys form an angry mob and run after Logan, except Chase and Michael]

Logan

How could you two just let those guys beat me up last night? How could you do that?

Michael

It was easy.

Chase

We just walked back to the dorm, and went to sleep.

Michael

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Chase

Calm down!

Michael

I can't calm down! We're about to be hit by a big, flat ball!

Chase

B-b-but, maybe it will miss us!

Michael

How's it gonna miss us?! We're right in front! Oh, man! He's about to roll! It's gonna roll!

Chase

Hey, I got an idea!

Michael

Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!

Chase

When the ball rolls at us, hop up and down.

Michael

Why?!

Chase

'Cause, maybe-maybe when the ball gets here, we'll be up! And it'll roll right under us!

Michael

Here comes the ball! Ahhhhhh!

Michael

(at the table with Chase) Ah, we're cute.

Chase

Yeah. Now, we just need 25 more ideas.

Michael

Yeah. Okay, okay. How about this. Our characters are two dolphins that are afraid to be hit by a boat.

Chase

Yeah. See, that's the same thing as the bowling pins.

Michael

No, we're dolphins.

Chase

We're being sued...

Michael

(cries for a bit) I told you we should've gone with the dolphins!

Logan

All right! You want an idea? How about... your characters are bowling pins and you're terrified of being hit by the bowling ball. How's that?

Michael

That could be really funny. How did you think of that?

Logan

I'm good at everything.