Michael Barret quotes from Zoey 101

Michael

You know, why do they call this an "eggplant"? It doesn't look like an egg, it doesn't look like a plant.

Lola

So, what should they call it?

Michael

I don't know. Veggabush.

Chase

This is so much better than a beauty pageant.

Quinn

So much better!

Michael

Girls — always fighting dirty.

Quinn

(starts to laugh) Fighting dirty, That's funny!

Michael

It is? ...Yeah, that's right, it is! It sure is! You just laugh it up, Quinn. Compliments of Michael Barrett!

Chase

It wasn't that funny.

Quinn

I know. But now, he'll stop trying to make me laugh.

Michael

Hey, is this a dolphin, or a porpoise?

Chase

...That's a trash bag...

Chase

I miss Logan's plasma screen.

Michael

Why couldn't his dad had've taken Logan away and left all the cool stuff? (Logan walks into the room) What's up, poor boy? (Chuckles)

Logan

I hate my life.

Michael

Yeah, you've looked better.

Chase

What's wrong with your hair?

Logan

Juanita didn't fluff it. That's what's wrong with it.

Michael

Juanita?

Logan

The lunch lady. I used to pay her to blow dry and fluff my hair every morning, which is why I'd look so awesome. But now since my evil father closed my bank account, I can't pay her to do it anymore.

Michael

Yeah, life is hard.

Logan

It is now.

Stacey

Have you heard the song I wrote? I can sing it for you.

Michael

No! Please! What'd I ever do to you?

Stacey

(singing off-key. Throughout the song, Michael is whining about the song and how horrible Stacey's singing is.) You can sip it in the morning, sip it in the evening, even at a quarter to three! 'Cause I like sassafras, you like sassafras, we like sassafras teeeeeeeeeeeeeea!

Logan

There he is. What are you doing?

Michael

You were supposed to meet us at Sushi Rox.

Chase

I am, but I invited Gretchen, and she's a little late.

Logan

Oh, why'd you invite Gretchen?

Chase

'Cause she's my bud. I'll go see if I can find her in the hall.

Logan

What's wrong with him? Why can't he see that Gretchen's disgusting?

Michael

Tsk. Because she looks like Zoey.

Logan

Then Chase needs a psychiatrist.

Michael

Ah, give the boy a break.

Logan

Dude. Trying to replace a girl with another girl just 'cause they look alike, that's a little sick.

Michael

So? You're sick too.

Logan

I'm not sick!

Michael

Then why do you take at least a hundred digital pictures of yourself every week?

Logan

'Cause I have movie star good looks.

Michael

See that? You're sicker than I thought.

Lola

How can a girl that looks that much like Zoey be so--?

Quinn

(finishes) Nauseating?!

Lola

Yeah.

Michael

(sighs) I think it's time.

Lola

For what?

Michael

An intervention. We gotta talk to Chase about Gretchen.

Quinn

All of us together?

Michael

Naw. (points to Logan with his thumb) I think me and Logan should do it alone. Could get ugly.

Michael

How's it coming?

Logan

I'm getting it. Why don't you come help me?

Michael

Because if I don't send this report in to Mr. Bender, I'm gonna get a 0. (tries to x-out) How do you close this webcam software?

Logan

Just click on the little box in the corner.

Michael

I see no little box!

Logan

Well, just click somewhere!

Michael

Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

Chase

I saw this in a prison movie.

Logan

We need to talk.

Michael

We do.

Chase

Okay, is, uh... (takes his backpack off and puts it down) everything all right?

Michael

Nope.

Logan

You gotta quit hanging around with Gretchen.

Chase

Oh, really?

Michael

Really.

Chase

Why?

Logan

She's disgusting!

Chase

Hey, well, don't hold back.

Michael

Come on, you know you wouldn't hang out with that girl in a million years if she didn't... (sighs)

Chase

If she didn't what? (Logan and Michael don't answer) If she didn't what? Just say it.

Logan

If she didn't look like Zoey.

Chase

(snorts twice) You guys are ridiculous.

Michael

I don't think we're ridiculous.

Chase

Unlock the door.

Michael

It's okay that you miss Zoey.

Chase

I don't miss Zoey. Okay, I haven't even thought about her since she left.

Logan

You're saying it's just a coincidence that Gretchen looks exactly like Zoey?

Chase

I don't even see a resemblance.

Michael

(scoffs) Everybody thinks they look alike!

Logan

And that's why you're hanging out with her! She's your little "Zoey replacement," and that's a little bit sick.

Michael

(to Logan) Uh, subtle.

Logan

He needs to hear this.

Chase

I don't need to hear anything from you guys right now. (as Zoey reads a magazine, a small beep from her computer alerts her that she has a webcam connection, and she begins to watch the conversation) If you cared about me, you wouldn't judge my friends!

Michael

So you don't think it's weird that right after she leaves PCA, you make friends with some bizarr-o girl that just happens to look exactly like Zoey?

Chase

Gretchen is a lot of fun.

Logan

Ha! Yeah, like the way she spits and picks her nose?

Michael

Oh, yeah. Don't forget the fun way she pops her pimples at lunch!

Chase

Unlock the door.

Logan

We'll unlock the door when you admit that you miss Zoey.

Chase

Well, then we better order some pizzas and a toilet, 'cause we're gonna be in here for a while.

Logan

Why is it so hard for you to just admit it's killing you that Zoey's gone?

Chase

It's hard to admit something that's not true! (Zoey looks upset)

Michael

Chase...

Chase

Enough! Alright?

Logan

Ooh! Looky here.

Chase

Put that down.

Logan

Zoey gave you this, right?

Chase

Maybe, just put it down.

Logan

Why? If you don't care about Zoey, then why would you care about a stupid little stuffed animal she gave you?

Michael

Logan...

Logan

It's cool. Chase doesn't care about it.

Chase

That's right, I don't.

Logan

Good.

Chase

Good.

Logan

Well then I guess it wouldn't bug you if I do this! (rips the head off the giraffe)

Chase

(calms down) I'm sorry!

Logan

It's cool.

Chase

I'm sorry!

Michael

It's okay.

Chase

You're right... Everything you guys said is true.

Michael

We know you miss Zoey, man.

Chase

I don't just miss her... I'm in love with her. I've been in love with Zoey ever since I met her. When she got out of her dad's car, and I saw her standing there, and I rode my bike into that stupid flagpole, (Zoey softly smiles) I was in love with Zoey before I hit the ground, and I don't think that feeling's ever gonna go away. (Zoey looks surprised)

Michael

What is wrong with you people?!

Lola

You said we should try!

Michael

Not to kill me!

Michael

I don't wanna live with "Mooshna."

Logan

Dietrich.

Michael

I don't want any new roommate!

Logan

Then we gotta figure out a way to make her think Chase still lives here.

Mark

(over walkie-talkie) Can I stop doing this?

Michael

(into walkie-talkie; yelling) NO!

Logan

Hey, Michael.

Michael

What?

Logan

Our problems are over!

Michael

You got us that special shampoo?

Logan

No. I found a way to convince that housing lady that Chase is still our roommate.

Michael

How are we gonna do that?

Logan

(impersonates Chase) I'm back.

FAKE! He's a fake boy! I knew Chase Matthews left PCA. And let me tell you something, mister...you and Logan are getting...

Michael

OH, HA HA HA! [runs off]

You and Logan...ARE GETTING A NEW ROOMMATE!!!