(Doug, the paperboy, walks up to the Preverts' front step to collect his fee. Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, who have spots all over their faces, are holding a sign that says "QUARANTINE.")
Oh, keep away, little boy! It isn't safe!
Oh, young man, we're under quarantine, can't you see? You have to stay away.
Listen lady, I don't care if you're under quarantine. I've come to get the money for the paper, and I'm gonna get it, you know.
Hey kid, we'd love to pay ya. Can't you read, we're under quarantine! We have got "spotted faaaaaaaceatosis"! You catch it and you die! I'm sorry!
(scared) Oh, well that's okay then. Maybe I'll come back next week, and - and - and I'll get my money then, okay? (runs off quickly, leaving his bag of papers behind)
Oh Lance, this quarantine idea of yours is sheer genius! (begins to rub some of the spots off her face, revealing the spots to be only ink) Ever since we pretended we had "spotted faceatosis," well, we've saved all kinds of money! My goodness, we haven't had to pay the milkman, the vacuum cleaner repairman, the car salesman, it's wonderful. You're a genius.
Genius? Valerie, I really have got spotted faaaaaceatosis. I think you've got it too.
(pointing to a spot on Valerie's nose) That one ain't gonna come off.
(he and Jody are in their bathrobes, in the washroom) I'm not going to school today. We have a spelling bee and I didn't study.
JJody
Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.
I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)
Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?
Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.
Ugh! Mom, this food is disgusting! I wouldn't feed this to my worst enemy.
Oh, neither would I, dear. I love you, Alanis; in fact, no one could be closer to me than you are, so I didn't give it to my worst enemy - I gave it to you. Now EAT IT, young lady, every forkful! There's nothing wrong with pureed rutabager! In! Two, three!
Hi. Today's show is about something that some of us have a lot of and some of us hardly have any of.
You must mean money, Adam.
No, no, Chris. I mean enemies. Today's show is about enemies and [looking at the script] par-parano--
Well, what does paranoia-- whatever you--
That word there, the one you can't say right? Paranoia is the feeling that no one likes you, that everybody hates you.
Ah, I guess you know all about that, then.
[Suddenly, a strange beeping noise is heard.]
What's that? What's happening?!
[running in] THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! [screams and runs off]
Now that's paranoia. Not to mention bad grammar.
Ross, if you think I'm going to wear this (bleep, bleep) sailor outfit, you can just (bleep, bleep)!
Alasdair, why did you get bleeped? And we weren't even using bad language.
You know, Vanessa you're right. I don't know what I said wrong.
(Alasdair is slimed. More bleeping is heard and James comes in with a remote control)
JJames
Hey guys, have you seen this neat gizmo? It sure makes a cool bleeping noise.
JJames
What do all those words mean?
You're too young to know James. That is what they call real bleeping.
Well. Is this what you have to present for Show and Tell Alasdair?
(Alasdair is standing apparently naked with a black square over his groin)
JJodie
Kind of a funny color isn't it?
I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!
(the black square disappears to reveal Alasdair wearing Hawaiian shorts. Vanessa screams)
Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)
Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)
[Ross is washing Doug's mouth out with soap.]
(Talking to the producer) I agree.
(Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.
How about five minutes more?
Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)
[Alasdair and Doug are changing clothes in their bedroom.]
What's the matter Alasdair? Are you shy or something?
But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.
Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.
(Alasdair has a black square over his groin)
Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!
Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!
(grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!
Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)
FAFilm announcer
(while all the kids sitting in the movie theater are cut down by a barrage of bullets) Coming soon to a theater near you, "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"! See Rambo shoot your friends. See him kill you! See Rambo shoot everyone in the whole world without having to reload his machine gun once. "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"!!!!
[Alasdair and Doug now have black squares over their groins]
Where do these things come from anyways?
Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.
You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?
Yep Doug, that's exactly right.
Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.
(they step out of the black squares to reveal that they are wearing shorts)
[Mrs. Prevert has taken the soap out of Doug's Mouth.]
Young man, I certainly hope that washing your mouth off with this soap has taught you about using that kind of language.
I'm gonna be using that kind of language more from now on.
WHAT?! Didn't this teach you a lesson?
I love the taste of soap, it's fabulous.
[Mrs. Prevert screams as Doug bites more of the soap.]
