You Can't Do That on Television quotes

"Bruce Springsteen Gets Laryngitis" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following off-key program.

I'm starving! Are these berries edible?

Vanessa, those are gooseberries. Of course they're edible. They're full of Protein and Vitamin A.

Boy, I sure am glad I got stuck in the woods with an expert like you!

[Laughing] Of course, silly me! I should have noticed the deep red coloring sooner. This is obviously Deadly Nightshade! Highly poisonous. Boy, do I feel dumb.

"Mister Wizard Explains The Universe" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we bring you a program no one can understand.

Alanis

If there's one thing I know, it's how to get attention at parties.

Alanis, if you won't go to the network party with me, I'll just have to kill myself, that's all.

Alanis

Oh Alasdair, how touching. I really want to help you... all right.

You'll come?

Alanis

No, I'll go.

Great!

Alanis

I'll go see if I can find my father's gun.

All right Adam, I want you to copy pages 7 to 9,742 in this dictionary.

Sir, you can't make me stay here! It's my birthday today! I'm having guests over, a big party, a cake, everything!

Oh. Your birthday, you say? Well, in that case, I might let you off...

Oh, thank you, sir...

I said, might let you off, if you hadn't used that excuse at least 15 times this year, and I don't remember how many times last year. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm not falling for that again.

But sir, it really IS my birthday today!

Do you think that I'm an idiot? If you'd had as many birthdays as you've claimed in the last couple of years, you'd be... 75 years of age.

("old man" voice) Well, how clever of you to work that out, sir! I'm actually 75 today! And you wouldn't put an old man through detention, would you? (clutches his chest as though he were having a heart attack) My heart can't take it.

(rushes to help Adam out of his seat and to the door) Oh! No! Easy, sir! Come along now... oh, by the way, happy birthday.

("old man" voice) Thank you, young lad!

And many happy returns, sir. Bye-bye!

(leaving detention room) Bye!

And have a good day.

Children! We're home from the convention!

Hi kids!

Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!

They'll kill us!

(sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!

Well...

Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!

And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!

Oh, no! Are you kids all right?

Well, we're kind of in shock right now.

Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.

Alanis

Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.

Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.

"Mr. T Goes To A Tupperware Party" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you this after party mess.

"Garbage Of The Rich And Famous" will not be seen in order that we may dump on you the following load of garbage.

Yuck! Oh, however am I going to get rid of all this oven grease?!

You need the Jiffy Genie!

Oh, Jiffy Genie, can you get rid of all this oven grease?

In a flash, ma'am!

[Voiceover] Yes, with Jiffy Genie, you'll never have oven grease again!

[To camera] You'll never have an oven, period!

This itching is driving me crazy!

Me too. I wish there were something we could do to get rid of it.

Itch no more! He-Man Foot Powder is here! It'll not only cure the itch, but your feet will smell like a rose.

Just what we've been looking for!

OW! This kills!

But has the itching stopped?

Yes, the itching has stopped, but now our feet hurt from the thorns!

And they smell like roses! [To the camera] He-Man Foot Spray! Ya can't take it, yer not a man!

Yes, dear?

Alanis

Ravon Calling! Good morning or afternoon, sir or madam, as the case may be. As advertised on television, we would like to offer you a beauty program that will leave you looking years younger. Try our new beauty cream absolutely free of charge.

Oh, I certainly will! Oh!

Alanis

No, don't take any more... I wouldn't recommend it...

Alanis

(Picking up Mrs. Prevert) The manual never said anything about this!

(outside the bathroom, knocking on the door) Come on. You can't hide in the bathroom, it's time to go to school. I don't care if you got no clothes on, I'm coming in! (she enters) Aha! (she heads for the shower curtain, then opens it, revealing the principal) Aha! You have to go to school!

Please don't make me go to school. You know how I hate it there and those big Grade 10 boys!

No excuse. You have to go to school, it's the law! Besides, you're the principal! Now come along. (she grabs the principal by the ear and pulls him out)

Alasdair, (writing "H2O" on a chalkboard) can you tell me what that means? (The other kids laugh.)

No.

You don't know?

Of course I know, I'm just not gonna say it, that's all.

Alasdair, you are gonna give me the answer or I'm gonna punish you again.

Ross, you're doing this deliberately, aren't you? You're just trying to set me up!

Get over here. Come on, Alasdair, move. (Alasdair heads over near Ross) Oh, I wish I'd been a teacher all along! I could have been mean to kids every day of the week! Put your hand out!

What do you mean put my hand out?

Alasdair, either you hold out your hand or you say "water".

Well, Ross, I think you've said it all.

(entering the bedroom, where Doug and Jody are lying in their individual beds, sneezing and sniffling) Okay boys, it's time for school, you're going to be late. Up, up!

We can't, mom. These allergies are (sneezes) really getting to us!

My nose, my body aches all over!

Well, perhaps you boys had better stay home. There is a lot of that pollen stuff in the air. (leaves)

Can you believe that?! She bought it! (produces a pepper mill from under his bedclothes) These pepper mills are a real lifesaver.

(returning, holding some blankets, a pot and a humidifier) Okay! I've closed all the windows, and I'm going to steam up the room, and here's some extra blankets, and I'm going to take your temperature, Jody, open your mouth. That's it. And lots and lots of chicken soup; (to rubber chicken in the pot) Elmo, sit still. Oh, you're going to be better in no time! (leaves)

Oh, great idea, Doug. Now we've gotta stay in this torture chamber all day!

I think I'd rather go to school.