Jack McFarland quotes from Will & Grace

Jack

Look, if what's holding you back is your attraction to me, let me assure you: [points to self] It will never happen. Let that free you to pursue other, lesser men.

Will

Oh, Jack...there are no lesser men than you.

Karen

Lord, look at these people. Why anyone would choose to be homeless is beyond me!

Jack

No one chooses to be homeless. It's because they did something bad.

Jack

You know why we're blocked? It's because heterosexual marriage is just wrong! If God had intended a man and a woman to be together, he would have given them both penises!

Will

I believe I heard Pope RuPaul II say that.

Jack

See, the problem is that you're trying to make me Will, and I'm trying to make you disappear. How about we compromise and you make me scrambled eggs?

Grace

Jack, look where my foot is. I could scramble a couple of eggs from here.

Jack

Oh, Grace. I'm not like all the other men in your life - I will hit you.

Grace

Bring it on, nancy!

Jack

It's been so many years. I hope I can still pull off a thong.

Grace

Isn't the whole point of these weekends to pull off someone else's?

Jack

And where are you from?

Montana.

Jack

Only two things I know come from Montana: steers and queers! Either way, welcome!

Ya know dude, it is a little weird that you are talking to my doll.

Jack

Um, I don't think that I need a drag queen to define normal behavior. But I will say this, the look is flawless.

Whatever.

Jack

Ohh. Working the attitude. OK, you're good.

I've had a lot of practice.

Jack

Hey hey. You're not that great, Mister Sister. I do a better Cher than you.

Ya think so?

Jack

Actually it's "You think so, hooooooooooooooe!"

Are you kidding me with this?

Jack

OK, the hand is perfect, but it's more "are you kidding me with this, hoooooooooooe!"

Get a life.

[sings] "If I could turn back time..."

Jack

[clears throat to sing] "If I could turn back time, hoooooooooooe!" "Time - hoooooooe. Time hoooooe. Time hoooooe."

[slaps Jack] Snap out of it!

Jack

Hi.

Will

What are you doing in the closet?

Jack

I could ask the same of you.

Karen

Ah cripes, honey, let me give it to you in a nutshell. Your boyfriend is a big, flaming, feather-wearing, man-kissing, disco-dancing... [takes a sip of her drink] Vermont-living, Christina Aguilera-loving, Mykonos-going... [to Jack] Honey, take it on home.

Jack

Tom's queer, dear.

Karen

Merry Christmas!

Jack

Judas! You're Judas! This is exactly what happened with him!

Will

I don't know that what happened there was a gay love triangle.

Jack

I don't understand this. I mean, what's going on right now? What exactly are we watching?

Will

This would be called a basketball game.

Jack

Uh huh, uh huh. And where is this all taking place?

Will

That's Madison Square Garden.

Jack

That's a sports auditorium now?

Will

It's the world's most famous sports arena. But I can see how that fact may have eluded you, given that your entire knowledge of sports consists of giggling every time you hear the word "balls".

Jack

[giggles] Gets me every time.

Jack

Do I smell plastic burning?

Karen

That was Candy Pruitt. That girl does love her plastic surgery. She's been to Mexico so many times for procedures, I swear if you whacked her over the head with a stick prizes would fall out.

I'm wearing your dirty bathwater in a vial around my neck.

Jack

Okay. Time to go psycho!

Nathan

Ahh, there's nothing like hoppin' on your hog first thing in the morning and riding it 'til your butt gets tired.

Jack

You're preaching to the choir, okay?

Jack

How sorry am I? "S" is for how very sad you make me feel. "O" is for, oh, how very bad you make me feel. "R" is for how wrong you make me feel.

And the other "R" is for how rotten you are. Get off. Get off the stage! I don't want to even look at you any more.