Jack McFarland quotes from Will & Grace

Karen

Listen, there is nothing wrong with listening to Nathan and Grace have sex. It's a victim-less crime. Like tax evasion or public indecency.

Jack

Yah, or like when a bartender doesn't notice his tip, you can slide it in front of you and leave it as your own.

Karen

Oh great example honey! You are so quick! Like lightning.

Will

That's a terrible example.

Karen

Ohh, I think somebody just mad because somebody didn't think of it first.

Will

Thank God she hasn't broken out the slides yet.

Jack

Ohh, thank God is right!

Will

You know about the slides?

Jack

No, I just assumed it had something to do with her womanity, so I thought we'd just skate right past it.

Will

No. Slides of Grace as a kid. Whenever she hits a real low point, she breaks out the slide projector and spends a few days trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Jack

I'd say it was the day she became a gay man and fell in love with you.

Jack

I'm auditioning for "corpse on a slab"!

Will

I don't know what that means, but "wear a condom" seems like an appropriate response.

Jack

Lamar is...well, he's like me, Kare.

Karen

Not allowed to step within 100 feet of Kevin Bacon?

Karen

Knock-knock. Anybody homo?

Jack

I am, I am!

Jack

You're not a lesbian.....say something lesbionic

Home Depot

Jack

K.D.Lang you are a lesbian

Jack

Why don't we start with some vocal exercises. What gym do you go to? Why haven't I seen you in the clubs? And who have we slept with in common?

I work out at home. I'm allergic to smoke. And I'm in a long-term relationship with my high school boyfriend.

Jack

Name?

Ben.

Jack

I know him.

No, you don't.

Jack

How do you know?

He told me you don't.

Jack

I met Karen's mother. She's not dead. She's a cocktail waitress. It turns out Karen's father died when she was seven. Oh, my God. Can you imagine what Karen looked like when she was seven years old? Cute little pumps, cute little martini, cute little pills. Ah-ha-ha. Anyway, from then on they moved around a lot until Lois met a man, a ne'er-do-well named Bernie. Or was it Todd? I don't know. I can't remember, 'cause at that point I zoned out 'cause some real hot fireman came into the bar. Oh, his name was Todd. That's right. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Anyway, what did I do with his number? Actually, when Karen was 16, her and her mother had some big falling-out, and Lois wouldn't tell me what it was; but I have a feeling Karen killed a man with her bare breasts. All this is in my movie. I smell sequel.

Grace

Wow. Karen has a mother?

Jack

Uh, excuse me. As Aretha said to Gloria, Celine, Shania, and Mariah during Divas Live..."Are you trippin'? No one interrupts the Queen of Soul, bitch. Okay?"

Well, I believe she also said, "Hey, Cuba, Canada, cowgirl, Crazy, get out of my light and away from my snacks, bitch."

Karen

My mother is a con artist, okay? I send her a check once a month to keep her out of my hair. Yeah, my entire childhood was spent traveling with her from town to town, running scams on people. Never settling down. Just when I'd make a friend, have 'em over for milk and cookies... Bam! It was time to move on.

Jack

Karen, that's shocking. You drank milk?

Karen

The last town we lived in, I fell in love with a boy. Heh. He had long blond hair, delicate features, soft skin... At least, I think it was a boy. Well, anyway, I was in love. And he or she loved me. Until my mom scammed her, too. Then he left me. That was when I left home and never looked back.

Jack

Karen, this isn't something you can run away from. It's not like a hotel bill or a crying baby.

Karen

I'll never forget it. My fellow office workers and I were heading down to lunch, and, suddenly... The lights went out, the elevator dropped, and... Dennis Hopper said he would kill us all if his demands weren't met. I thank God Keanu Reeves was there to get us out. [cries.]

Jack

Karen, that wasn't you, that was the opening scene of Speed!

Karen

Oh. You know, that movie was not at all what was advertised. You think you're going to see a feel-good movie about amphetamines, and, suddenly, you're on a bus? Wh-- ?

Jack

Okay, here's the scoop, Jackson. Elliot's got a basketball tournament in Connecticut this weekend. All the dads are going, but my boss Dorleen the Whore-leen is making me do inventory. So, will you take him? Please? I'll be up on Saturday. Please just say yes. I promise I won't ask for anything else again!

Will

Okay.

Jack

Damn you, Will! Damn your shiny, pointy face and your sarcastic quips!

Will

Hey, lord of the ring-dings, I said I'd do it.

Jack

Oh. Sorry. I wasn't listening.

Karen

Is this your card? [Holds up a card]

Jack

No.

Karen

Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Jack

No.

Karen

Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Jack

No.

Karen

Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Jack

No.

Karen

Is this your card? [Holds up another card]

Jack

I can't remember.

Karen

Ta-da!

Jack

That is so freaky, Karen. How did you do that?

Karen

Oh, sorry, honey. A magician, like a prostitute, never reveals her tricks.

Maybe you could be a little more specific in your analysis.

Jack

Oh, don't try to confuse us by speaking French.

Jack

You don't get to have ideas. This show is called "That Old Jack Magic," not "That Old Assistant's Magic."

Karen

Oh! Old? Well, how do you know that? There are parts of me that were just a twinkle in a scientist's eye three weeks ago. Besides, I was just trying to help.

Jack

You wanna help? Then remember your place. You're the assistant... and let's not forget where that word comes from -- Latin, meaning "ass of an ant." So keep your ideas to yourself and assist. It shouldn't be that hard. It's what you do. Get it? [ leaves the room]

Karen

I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.