Jack McFarland quotes from Will & Grace

Jack

I don't like Grace.

Will

What are you talking about? You like Grace!

Jack

I'm sort of not into her right now.

Will

"Sort of not into her"? She's a person, not tandoori chicken.

Jack

Anyways, I'm collecting data to put on the Internet. The world should know the truth about C-3P0.

Will

Jack, C-3P0 is not gay. He's British.

Will

Jack has the most finely tuned gaydar in the Tri-State area. He can name a gay guy in one note.

Jack

Ah yes. Many have sought my counsel on this subject. They say that Jack is a wise man, Jack is a dangerous man, Jack is a great man. No - Jack is just a man. A man who knows men who like men.

Jack

What are you so afraid of, that everyone's gonna find out you're gay? They don't all know yet, do they?

Will

I don't know. Some do, some don't. I don't exactly put it on my business card - "Will Truman, gay, member since 1982".

Jack

'82? Try '78, Mr. "One Time at Sleepaway Camp Doesn't Count".

Jack

Sufferin' Sappho!

Will

You know, it's sad...an image like this is completely wasted on us.

Jack

If you had invited me to dinner - which you didn't, thank you very much, busy anyway - I could have saved Stan's life. I know CPR.

Karen

You do?

Jack

Yeah. I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay - although I think that just confused him even more.

Will

I got a call from my friend at the I.N.S. yesterday, and apparently the marriage between a 30-year-old gay man and a postmenopausal Salvadoran maid flagged something in their computer.

Karen

Okay, are we done yet?

Will

No. Look, they're gonna start making random visits to verify that Jack and Rosario are a real married couple. So since their official residence is listed as your place, I think the best thing would be for Jack to move into your penthouse.

Jack

I just adore a penthouse view! Ooh, my very own sexless marriage. Just like Will and Grace.

Will

No, not like Will and Grace. We don't even live together any more. She's got her own apartment.

Jack

Eight dysfunctional feet away.

Karen

Lord, they're like Siamese twins who are joined at their boring personalities.

Karen

Oh, honey, what can I do? Do you want another bird?

Jack

No! How can you even ask me that? When my grandmother died, did you buy me another racist dowager with a purse full of diabetic candy?

Jack

Commandment number one in the gay bible: Thou shalt not covet my ex's ass!

Will

Is that from the Book of Genesissy?

Grace

Ow! You crushed my nose. [exits]

Jack

Sorry! If it's broken, we'll get it fixed. [to Will] For the second time.

Grace

[sticking her head through the window] I heard that, you bitch. And this nose has never been touched.

Jack

I'm sorry, ma'am, you can pick up your fries at the next window. [to Will] Guess what? I've been promoted to captain at my catering company, and tonight I'm supervising an event at the Waldorf-Astoria. I will have eight men under me. How great is that?

Will

Eight men? What'd you do, write the Gay Make A Wish Foundation?

Jack

You couldn't do my job for one night. I challenge you!

Will

Okay, I'll do it.

Jack

Ha! I knew you wouldn't do it because you are scared.

Will

I agreed.

Jack

What just happened?

Will

Claire...I mentioned her a thousand times. Claire, lives in Paris, works in fashion. She was my Grace before I met Grace.

Jack

Claire...nope, doesn't ring a bell. Cla-cla-cl - I don't like her name, though. I'm going to call her...Bettina. Yay! Bettina's coming to town! It's much better.

Jack

Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy?

Grace

[confused] Um...His name is Martin Adler.

Jack

It feels like there's something missing from my life, like my soul is on empty.

Karen

You can go a lot of years on empty, honey, trust me.

Jack

I'm an expert. I go on literally thousands of dates a year.

Will

That doesn't make you an expert, that makes you an escort.