Chief quotes from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

Chief

Greg?

Yeah, Chief?

Chief

Greg, in my office. It's this fax.

Oh. Just a second. I gotta go help her. I'll be right back. (to the audience, quietly) She needs me. (enters the office, where the fax is on the fritz) What's the matter?

Chief

You see? I can't get it to work. It's--

(smacks the machine, and the note comes out of it) Gotta smack it in the right place.

Chief

All right. Read it to me.

Uh, well, you know, it just-- It just kinda says what it says.

Chief

Well, it's gotta be something. Read it!

Okay. (reads note) "Dear Chief, you are a chump. You and your Glum-Shoes still haven't found me or Top Grunge. Catch me if you can. Regards to ACME Slime Net. Signed, Carmen Sandiego", and then, it-- It goes on from there.

Chief

Goes on.

Yeah.

Chief

What else does it say?

Uh, it says (reads the last part of the note) "P.S.: Nanny-nanny... Poo-poo."

Chief

"Nanny-nanny poo-poo"?!

Yeah. I'm sorry, (points to the note) it's right there. It's right there.

Chief

"Nanny-nanny poo-poo"?

Yeah.

Chief

(laughs) That does it! Detectives-- (looks at Greg, who looks at her)

Yeah. Sorry.

Chief

The Gumshoe who puts Carmen Sandiego behind bars will get a free trip anywhere in the lower 48 states! (applause) I've had it. (sarcastically) "Nanny-nanny poo-poo".

You know, Chief, I tell ya, I would never think of you as a chump. I mean you may have some chumpish qualities from time to time, but basically--

Chief

Go away.

Chump. Uh, check! (exits the office)

For our next clue, we need to go to, uh-- You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure exactly where we go. I forgot what are next clue is. I'm sorry. Uh, Chief? Chief? I'm sorry. I forgot what the next clue was. If you could tell me, then we could-- we could get started.

Chief

Well, you got me, Greg. I don't know.

You don't know?

Chief

No.

Oh, great. Uh, well, then, I'll just go up to ACME Control Net. I'll find out. I'll give you the clue. I'll come back. I'm sorry, guys. I don't know how this happens. I'm very frustrated about this. Excuse me, guys. I'm sorry. I'm tryin' to get a job done here if you don't-- Pardon me. Excuse me. I just-- You know, if you want a job done right, the ol' Gregger. (enters ACME Control Net) Hey, guys. How you doin'? Hi. Hey, Dana, you got any clues?

Greg, you're not supposed to be in here. You're supposed to be in the office. Go.

We need more clues though.

All right, tell the Gumshoes to go to the Pompidou Center who was a Moulin Rouge. All right, now, again, we got a show to do.

All right.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's one more thing. Take these Francs. You'll need those. Okay? Now, scoot. Come on. Let's go.

Okay. You know, it is really cool back here. I've never been in here before. What is that thing right over there?

That's the Gumsholator, Greg.

Cool. Cool. What's this thing right here?

Don't touch that! (Greg pushes a button which causes static and a technical difficulty)

Hi. Sorry. They had a little technical difficulty, but we're back and everything is okay!

Chief

Greg?

Yeah, Chief?

Chief

In my office right away.

Okay. Uh, I'll be right there. You guys stick here. Lemme find out what she wants. (laughs) My mentor calls. (enters the office where the Chief has grown two faces)

Chief

Oh, Greg, the investigation is starting to worry me. Now, Carmen Sandiego is--

Chief.

Chief

Don't interrupt. Carmen Sandiego is being extra tricky.

Chief.

Chief

Now, if-- All right, what is it?

Chief, it's your face. Uh, there's one more than usual.

Chief

Well, I was getting to that.

Okay. All right.

Chief

Now, if we're gonna crack this case, we'll need as many pairs of eyes as possible. So, I've grown an extra face and I suggest you do the same.

That seems a little extreme to me, Chief. Uh, there's gotta be a better way. Uh, I know, we could offer the gumshoes a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 states. That'll get 'em to catch Carmen Sandiego. (applause)

Chief

Oh, well, say, well, that should do it. Well, I guess I don't need this anymore then.

I don't think so.

Chief

(pushes her two faces back together as one) Oh.

Okay. Good move, Chief. I tell ya, (laughs) that two face thing was freaky. I mean, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was weird. I mean, they were nice faces and don't look at me wrong. But that is distracting--

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. Okay. (exits the office)

I'm running out of ideas.

Have you ever had one? Set your course for a British crown colony in the Windward Islands.

Why there?

You can hide your arch in the mountains, but watch out. They're volcanic. There're steaming vents and pools of boiling water I wouldn't want you to rust.

You're so thoughtful, Carmen.

If I didn't watch out for you, who would?

(after Ali finds the Loot, the Warrant, and Robo in the right order on the very first try) Man alive! I've never seen that done before! That is amazing!

(upside down) Dana. Dana, wanna turn me around? I'm gonna lose the change in my pockets. Dana? (Right-side up) Thank you so much. Thank you.

Chief

Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there on the loose. She's been there for a while, and, well, the natural order of things has gone haywire!

Grunge, those ACME agents have sniffed you out. Go to an African country with residents who might tolerate your smell.

Thanks, Carmen. (sniffs) I just love to meet new people.

Who said anything about people? I meant the famous mountain gorillas studied by Dian Fossey. They were in that movie Gorillas in the Mist.

Geez, Carmen. You expect me to live with animals?

Maybe not. They're still thinking it over. Meet them at their home in the National Park of Volcanoes.

Those gorillas are famous, huh? Maybe I'll brush my teeth for the occasion. (sneezes)

Let me tell you something. This is a particularly tough case and when I get a tough case like this I always go to this woman right over here. Agnes Acme. She's the founder of ACME Crimenet. She's also the great-grandmother of the Chief. I often wonder what she'd do.

Huh-huh-huh! My goodness, this is exciting! Imagine me, a television detective! Huh-huh! Hey, Bullwinkle, who's famous now?

This is Agnes Acme (the words "aka Lynne Thigpen" is shown) speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, if villains make you feel remorseful, call on us. We're kind... yet forceful.

Chief

Remember the ACME motto: ACME agents will be there, catching crooks with special flair.

Now, I have a feeling that it's highly possible the Chief will be calling me into her office right about... (the Chief appears on the monitor)

Chief

Greg?

...now.

Chief

Now. In my office right away.

Okay. You guys stick here. Be back in just a bit. (laughs) I wonder what she'd like to talk about. (enters the office) Yeah, Chief. What's up?

Chief

Uh, Greg?

Yeah.

Chief

You and the gumshoes have been halfway around the world and you...

...still haven't found Carmen Sandiego.

Yeah, I know.

Chief

Right.

Yeah, I know that.

Chief

Well, now, you better get...

...your acts together. Otherwise, we're never gonna find her.

Yeah. I know that. (laughs)

Chief

Right.

Uh-huh.

Chief

Uh, you did you know...

...what you were gonna say?

Well, Chief, I need to tell you something. You're becoming just a little bit predictable.

Predictable? (both laugh) Ridiculous. I've never felt more unpredictable in my life. What makes you think... you're saying everything I say? Stop that! Don't do that! Peanut Butter. Octopus.

See? I can tell. Everytime. You're very predictable. I can tell.

Chief

Well, all right, all right. Maybe I am just a little bit. All right? But that still doesn't change the fact that we still haven't...

...found Carmen Sandiego.

Chief

I'll offer a free trip anywhere...

...in the lower 48 states to the gumshoe who finds her. (applause)

See? See? See what I'm sayin'? Listen, Chief. You know, I don't mean any offense when I say you're predictable, because a lot of people are a little predictable. I mean, there's really nothing wrong.

Go away.

Yes. Okay. (exits the office)

Eartha, I'm sending you to a place where they could use your Great Wall. Almost half the country is below sea level. Try to make a deal with the government.

So, I should go to the capitol?

No, Amsterdam is the capital, but the seat of the government is a different city.

What? I'm confused.

So, what's new? Move your brawny behind.

Kelly, you have a very special hobby, right?

Yes. I collect tigers. In fact, my nickname's "Tiger".

No kidding! So, therefore, obviously, then, your favorite baseball team would be the Detroit Tigers.

No, I hate the Detroit Tigers! I like the Red Sox.

(on phone) Hello? Carpet delivery? No, we do not-- We don’t have any carpet deliveries...

Yeah, it just got here. Yeah. Thanks a lot. All right. Thanks.

Wait a second. That can only mean one thing. It’s time for the…

Lightning round.

All right, this was for, uh, Crab Alfredo, and pizza. Now we’re talking about detective stuff, but it was kind of a social thing too.

I hope you're keeping a low profile, Contessa.

Of course. I'm in the south of France, at the film festival. Everyone is here. Don and Melanie. Kurt and Goldie. Bruce and Demi. I drove down the Mediterranean coast with Dustin just this morning.

You drove the stolen Bugatti?

Of course not!

Good.

I let Dustin drive it! He just loves classics.

Why me?!

I lost her… in the junk fleet… of Aberdeen Harbor! Oh, baby! (passes out)

Scott, you're really startin' to bug me! (to Kelly and Aziz) Now it's time for you to go to Hong Kong and where you're gonna try to find the Contessa. All right? I want you to know, though, we don't send our agents out into the field unprepared. Right, Scott? (Scott just groans.) Okay.

Chief

Now that's Kowloon in the background. It's on the mainland of China but it is still part of Hong Kong.

Chief

I had a bird once. It was a parrot, named Seymour. Oh, what a character! He could mimic everything about me. My speech, heh, my little nervous laugh, the way I tilted my head when I was self-conscious, and when…Eventually I couldn’t take the mockery anymore so I had to get rid of him. So, gumshoes, the Contessa and the Bugatti are in Hong Kong. Get going. I got a little writing to do.

Chief

This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and remember: Some like music; some like books; but ACME’s folks like busting crooks!

Okay, guys. It looks like the Double Trouble twins have now just... They've left the country. They boogied completely outta the picture.

Says who?!

Oh, it's you. Uh... Wait a minute. Wait a second!

What are these fake plastic fingers ya have on here?!

Hey! Hey! What are you...?! Stop that! How... How come... How come you get to have all the fun? How come I don't ever get to have any of the fun?!

Hey, hey. Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!! HEY!!! Listen. We're in the middle of a criminal investigation here. Now, STOP IT!!

Oh. Okay. I'm sorry, Greg.

Chief

Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there loose, for a while, she's been there, and, well, things have started to go haywire!

Ready for another party, boys?

Geez, we’re always ready, Carmen.

Good. I want you to head down the peninsula from Tijuana to Ensenada.

Well, what’s the occasion?

The start of a famous international off-road race. Hundreds of drivers race all kinds of vehicles across the desert.

We’re rollin’!

Would you stop that infernal R-R-R-R-R-RACKET?!!

My upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger's window) Hey, Mrs. P.!

You're noisier than those party fellows! I could hear they're going one halfway across the country last night. They were in Shreveport, at the Holiday-In-Dixie Festival, eating crawfish gumbo. Now, go catch those hooligans, and leave me in peace! (shuts her window)

Thanks a lot. Thank you!

Chief

This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, we solve cases, we deliver; ACME sends crooks up the river!

Chief

Greg, Lemke just called. He says we're in violation of Crime Net regulation 336-2: The Hand-Puppet Clause. They were on PBS. Kids are watching, and we are required to use a hand puppet.

Okay. No problem. No problem. Got it handled.

Hi, Handy. Got a clue for us?

I certainly do. Thank you, Gregory. Vic the Slick went to a city where they speak slang called Lunfardo. It's a combination of Spanish and Italian. The country recently changed its currency from the Peso to the Austral.

Really? What's Vic doing there?

He tried to sell the prison as a floating hotel, complete with tango dancers, (the Chief notices that Greg is moving his mouth with Handy's every word) and all sorts of other things that... Uh...

Chief

Well, that was interesting, Greg.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Handy Hancock!

(takes a bow) Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you!

Chief

Now, Gumshoes, I like baseball. (Merengue music is heard) But when I visit this country, it's for the famous Merengue Festival in Santo Domingo.

Chief

Y'know, once I hear those ol' rhythms, your Chief becomes... just a non-stop Merengue machine!

Uh, thanks, Chief. (to the audience) Let's hear it for the Chief!

I didn't know you can move like that! She can move! She can really... move it out!

Vic, those ACME agents have found you. Head to a nation in the Pacific whose name means south.

Hey, Carmen, I'm headin' for the South Pacific?

Brilliant deduction, Vic. It's one of the few countries on earth that's never been ruled by a foreign power. Now, get moving.

Oh, but Carmen, I'm waitin' for some new plaid suits to come back from the tailor!

Forget the suits, Vic. The traditional dress here is the ta'ovala. It's a woven mat skirt worn by women and men.

Geez, Carmen, a skirt?! This could ruin my reputation as a snappy dresser! Well, I'm on my way.

(each time the bat is revealed)

Carmen, darling I have two problems. First of all the gumshoes are on to me, second of all I'm freezing!

Take the tods to a British Island in the West Indies. The Dejan people are lovely hosts. You can hide out in the Garrison, where George Washington slept - the only time he ever left America.

Oooh, just my style! Ciao bella!

I'm not your 'bella', I'm your boss.

Now, it would not be PBS if we do not take time for something right now that's very special. And that is...

...Puppets! Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet! Please welcome him.

Chief

It's Handy! Hi, Handy.

Hello! It's nice to see you. How are you?

Chief

Oh, it's good to see you, too. You're so cute.

It's good to be here.

Excuse me. Excuse me, you 2? We could kinda use a clue right here, if you don't mind.

Oh, very sorry. Okay, here we go. (clears throat) Well, it's way up north in North America, but it's warmed by the Japan current. She had a cab take her around the city. It was completely wrecked by an earthquake in 1964, and they rebuilt the place!

Chief

Oh, you are just the cutest thing.

Well, thank you very much. Thank you.

Chief

(laughs) You're welcome.

Uh, Chief? Chief, you know this is just my hand. Right? I have red stuff here...

Chief

Oh, Greg! Oh, you are such a kidder! Handy, he's such a kidder.

It's not real. (to the audience) Ladies and gentlemen, Handy the puppet!

Okay, guys. Now, it's time for you to go to Anchorage.

Anchorage.

And you're gonna look for the Contessa and the Fall Fashion. You hafta go there, find 'em, bring 'em back. But I want ya to know, we do not send our agents out into the field. Alone. Right?

Right. Chief, how 'bout a briefing?

(each time the Paris Fall Fashion Collection is revealed (all are spoken instead of sung))

Hey, Carmen, we're in trouble.

So, what else is new? Fly to Santiago, then take the falls north to the driest place on earth.

Where's that?

Just west of the Andes in the Atacama Desert. There are parts that haven't had rain in 400 years.

Ooh, that's pretty dry. Doesn't sound like much fun.

It's more fun than jail, you twin twits. Now, move it!

Greetings, Gumshoes! Here's the scoop. You wanna go ta'... Siam.

It's not called Siam. Not anymore.

Is the capital still Bangkok?

That it is.

Does it still border Myanmar, Laos, and Cambodia?

You're right.

Yes, "Siam"!

George!

Chief

Fine work, Jessica! And I've upgraded your status from Gumshoe to Sleuth!

Okay, for our next clue then, Jessica, you may find this one particularly well. We have our next clue coming in from a person who taught M.C. Hammer everything he knows. Take it away, Nana Rap!

(laughs) You're such a nice young man. I'd be happy to do some chill slammin' and jammin' for ya. Hit it! (rock music plays)

Nana Rap, ladies and gentlemen!

Robo, those ACME agents have found you. Head for an Asian country that was part of French Indochina.

Please specify. This description fits more than one nation.

Very good, Solderhead. Just testing your memory banks. Go to the city of Vientiane. You'll get there in time for Bun Bang Fai. That's the rocket festival.

Destination acknowledged, but what is the purpose of this festival?

It's a wild celebration to kick off the rainy season, so don't forget your rust proofing. Now, get going.

Chief

Ah. Coins and fountains. You know, that reminds me of a story. Once, there was a little girl whose only wish was to grow up and be a law enforcement official. Now, if she wasn't reading detective books, she was watching detective movies. One day, the girl came across a fountain near City Hall. She closed her eyes, she took out a shiny quarter from her pocket, and she made her wish, and tossed the coin high into the air! Missed the water completely. (audience laughs) Today, she's a carpenter somewhere in Florida. Alright, gumshoes. Robocrook and the Radioscope are in Rome, Italy. Go after 'em!

(as the Dying Informant) Hey! Could I get a towel?

Oh, yeah. Could we get a towel for this fine, brave, young man, please?

Thank you.

You're welcome. Hey, listen, that was a nice job, by the way. Really nice.

Careful. Don't catch colds.

Need a towel?

Uh, no. We have plenty. Thanks.

All right. Thank you, anyway.

Scott, ladies and gentlemen.

Chief

Greg?

Yes? Yes, Chief?

Chief

In my office pronto.

Okay. All right, I'll be right there. Doesn't seem like she's really herself. Lemme, uh, go check in her. You guys just hang tight right here. Uh, I'll be right back. (enters the office) Chief, what's the matter?

Chief

(in tears) I've begged. I've pleaded. I've cajolled. I've done everything to get this investigation moving!

But, Chief, listen, you hafta be kinda easy on 'em. I mean, they are rookies. And...

Chief

Oh, I know that. But you don't understand. See, it's my reputations on the line here. Headquarters-- They don't care about those kinda things. They just want results! (voice breaks) And if I don't find Carmen Sandiego, they're gonna take my job away. I need a Kleenex.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Here, here, here, here. (hands the Chief a Kleenex) Here, here, here. Right here. Right here. It's okay. I'm s-- I didn't realize it was gonna get you this upset. (tries to comfort the Chief) I mean, they're just rookies, and I...

Chief

Don't touch me.

I'm sorry, but I didn't--

Chief

Stop!

Yes, ma'am. (to the Gumshoes) Listen. If you guys really care about the Chief, you've gotta pull together right now! Okay, come here. (he walks up closer to the camera) I'll make a deal with you. All right? If you find Carmen Sandiego, I'll give you a chance to go on a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 United States!

Huh? All right.

Chief

Greg.

Yeah, Chief?

Chief

Greg, isn't that bribery?

Oh, no, we're calling it incentive.

Chief

Oh, that's all right. Uh, Greg?

(walks up to the Chief) Yeah, Chief? Yes?

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (he exits the office) All right. Listen very closely. Gumshoes at home, we're trying to find the Contessa, who has taken the Queen Mary. If we do that, we'll be able to get Carmen Sandiego, and possibly a trip. I need your help. Matter of fact, I need everybody's help. Crew, are you behind me?

YEAH!

Rockapella, are you?

Audience, are you behind me?!

YEAH!!!

Well, all right, then! Let's do this thing! Come on, let's do it!

(says something in Italian) I'm so seasick!

You don't have time to be sick now! They're on to you! Hide the ship in a bay, the one with the highest tides in the world. Up to 70 feet.

Oh, no! Please! My stomach can't take it!

Set your course northeast, to the inlet between Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. And take a bromo.

Next time, I take a plane!

Chief, you there? Chief? The Chief's not here. Guess I'll just sit and wait for her. (laughs; sits at her desk) Oh, this is nice, huh? This is what it feels like. I like this. Hey! (magnifies his eye with her magnifying glass) Whoo! I like this. (imitates the Chief's voice) Greg. Greg. You're the nerve-center of this whole operation. You're the only one that I can count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Lemme show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector displaying a blank image) The earth. Population 5,000,000,000. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate sunny. Don't go barefoot. (laughs and displays a third blank image) Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out. (audience doubles over in laughter) (the Chief walks in) That's the universe. Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, what're you doing? GRE--!

Chief

(turns off the projector) GREG!

Chief

You're wasting time! Now, you and the gumshoes have got to find Carmen Sandiego. And I will give a trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the one that does.

Chief, look, uh, I knew you realize I wasn't makin' fun of you; it was more like a tribute, sorta.

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (exits the office)

Carmen, I think they're on to me! Send me someplace really fabulous!

Sorry, glamour-puss. Take the reef to a beach town in New Jersey.

(gasps) Ah, the one with the casinos!

No, it has no casinos. But it has a famous boardwalk and an old bar called The Stone Pony, where Bruce Springsteen's Band started out.

Carmen, I want glamor! Not an old bar!

Tough, toots. Have some cotton candy for me.

Hey, Chief! Chief! The Chief's not here. Guess I'll just have to wait for her. (laughs; sits at her desk) This is nice. I like this. This is pretty. (examines some of her things) Cool. Look at all this stuff she has. (magnifies his eye with her magnifying glass) Whoo-whoo-whoo! (laughs) (imitates the Chief's voice) Greg, you're the nerve-center of this whole operation. You're the only one I could count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Let me show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector displaying a blank image) Earth. Population 5,000,000,000. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate sunny. Don't go barefoot. (laughs and displays a third blank image) Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out! (displays a fourth blank image) Carmen may be prowling around Pluto or hiding on Uranus. Search 'em both. Well, gumshoes, that's the universe. (the Chief walks in) Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, you're not listening to me. GRE--!

Chief

(turns off the projector) GREG!

Chief

Wha-- You're wasting time! Now, you and the gumshoes have got to find Carmen Sandiego. I'll give a trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the one who gets her. (applause)

Chief, listen. Uh, I hope you don't think that I was makin' fun of you because actually it was more of a tribute.

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (exits the office)

Chief

I don't sound like that.

Grunge, you'd better hide that oil where ACME can't find you. Head for the southern end of the Arabian Peninsula. It'll cost you a few Rials to stay in a hotel. You'll love the place. Water's an extremely short supply.

Great. No danger of a bath.

But you'll have to wear a shirt.

Why?

It's an Islamic country, Grunge. They find uncovered arms offensive.

Gee, Carmen, I like to think that my arms are offensive anywhere.

Why me?