Vic quotes from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

I'm gonna need some company in the slammer, so here's the scoop on Carmen. Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia).

If I gotta make one more license plate, I'm gonna melt my polyester! Go get Carmen to help me! She's in (continent). (Version A)

Carmen's commitin' crimes while I'm penned up in prison, playin' poker for peanuts! You can find Carmen in (continent). (Version B)

Chief

Detectives, ACME Art-Net has tracked Vic the Slick to the place where Leonardo painted Lisa. Vic was spotted pinching a pinkie ring at the Ponte Vecchio, where they've been making jewelry since 1593. Now this city is often called "The Birthplace of the Renaissance", and the artists Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo did some of their greatest works here. Their recent decision to become ninja turtles has initially been controversial, but is now regarded as just another example of their genius.

(picks up the phone) ACME Crime Net.

ACME Crime Net? It's Lisa. (furiously) WHEN a-you are gone, a-rescue me!! If this jerk drags me through the Van Gogh Museum one more time, I'm gonna throw him in the Amstel River! Everything's written in Dutch. Get me out of here right now!!!

We're on the case, ma'am! Thanks so much for calling. Been a pleasure. Bye. (hangs up the phone) I love it when she calls.

Yeah, come in.

I think we have a serious problem here. What's the matter, dude? Hey, come on. What's the matter?

(gags) I saw Vic in a Japanese-- (gags)

Come on. You can't die now. A Japanese what? A Japanese what? Come on!

An industrial center in western Japaaaaaaaan!!!

Come on! We need a little bit more. Just a little bit more! Come on.

The city's famous for Bunraku... Japanese Puppet Theater! (gags)

Is that it? That's all ya had to say to me? Is that it?! Haven't ya got anymore?! (loudly) ANSWER ME!!!!

(screams, then calmly:) It's just south of... Kyoto! (he gets up, spins around, does splits, and collapses again)

Scott, the Dying Informant! (applause; Scott picks up his hat) One more time! Bravo! How wonderful! (Scott heads back to the alley)

Hey, boss lady, I gotta stash Lisa someplace. She's gettin' on my nerves.

Take her to a souk in Morocco.

Souk? What's a souk?

It's an outdoor market where you can find everything from snake charmers to pastries filled with pigeon meat. Vic, you'll love the souk. You can argue over the price of everything.

Yeah? Where is this Morocco place, huh?

It's a country in northern Africa on the Mediterranean Sea. And, Vic?

Yeah?

Lose the plaid suit.

Oh Carmen, you've got no style.

Chief

Now, Gumshoes, I like baseball. (Merengue music is heard) But when I visit this country, it's for the famous Merengue Festival in Santo Domingo.

Chief

Y'know, once I hear those ol' rhythms, your Chief becomes... just a non-stop Merengue machine!

Uh, thanks, Chief. (to the audience) Let's hear it for the Chief!

I didn't know you can move like that! She can move! She can really... move it out!

Vic, those ACME agents have found you. Head to a nation in the Pacific whose name means south.

Hey, Carmen, I'm headin' for the South Pacific?

Brilliant deduction, Vic. It's one of the few countries on earth that's never been ruled by a foreign power. Now, get moving.

Oh, but Carmen, I'm waitin' for some new plaid suits to come back from the tailor!

Forget the suits, Vic. The traditional dress here is the ta'ovala. It's a woven mat skirt worn by women and men.

Geez, Carmen, a skirt?! This could ruin my reputation as a snappy dresser! Well, I'm on my way.

(each time the bat is revealed)

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's barbaric batch of baboons have struck again. This time, it was a case of Mexican mayhem in the Gulf of California. Eons ago, the peninsula of Baja California broke loose from what is now Mexico and drifted northwest, leaving a few islands in its wake. One of them is a beachcomber's paradise named Carmen. The island is home to beaches, wildlife, an abandoned saltworks, and only one man. He looks after the deserted town of Salinas. But today, the population doubled when Vic the Slick slithered ashore. His boss's birthday is coming up and he figured an island named Carmen would be the perfect gift. Stealing it was the easy part. Wrapping it will be tough. Your mission, gumshoes: show Vic he's not so slick, return the island of Carmen to Mexico, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

They're on to you, Vic. Hide Carmen Island on Devil's Island in South America.

You mean the famous prison?

It's not a prison anymore. Now tourists go there believe it or not, and it's in the same place that the launch site used by the European space program.

I didn't know Europe was puttin' people in orbit.

Not people. Satellites. The space program is run as a business. They launch satellites for companies and other nations.

A space business, huh? Geez, those frequent flier miles must really add up.

Okay, gumshoes. Look for Vic in Asir National Park. There's hiking, cool temperatures, and mountain scenery, and it's a Mideast nation with one of the world's largest deserts. The desert's about the size of France, but so hot and so dry that almost no one goes there. No wonder Vic headed for the hills, but you gotta keep the heat on.

(each time Carmen Island is revealed in the 2nd round)

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her army of anti-social aardvarks has struck again. This time, they vandalized the green valleys and verdant meadows of New Zealand. First severed by Polynesian people, now called Māori about 1,000 years ago, the islands of New Zealand were colonized by the British in 1840. And they brought some very important friends: sheep. Why are sheep important in New Zealand? I'll tell you. Okay, it's the 19th century. England's farmland is shrinking while its population is growing. "Hmm," England says, "how do we feed these folks? Hey! We got New Zealand, a huge colony crawling with sheep, but it's 13,000 miles away. Well, I guess we'll just have to develop refrigeration. Yes!" So they froze the sheep, tipped them halfway around the world, and everyone was happy. England had food, New Zealand had a major industry. Now if you can just freeze Carmen and send it to Mars... well, anyway. Yesterday, Vic the Slick, disguised as Little Bo Peep, rounded up 65 million of the cloven hoofed critters and herded them away. Every last sheep from Wellington to Waikawa is gone, gone, gone. Now gumshoes, here's your mission: vanquish Vic, shag the sheep home, and then corral that criminal Carmen Sandiego.

All this bleepin' bleatin' is givin' me a headache, Carmen.

Take two aspirin and scram before ACME makes mutton out of you.

(sings when the Sheep are revealed in the second round) Little lost lambies!

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's ring of ruthless racketeers have struck again. This time, they struck in Southern California. The Colorado River Aqueduct is a man-made waterway. It runs from the Colorado River's Parker Dam on the Arizona border to Los Angeles, California, 235 miles away. It's a cheap source of water for 14 and a half million people in the Los Angeles area. If it weren't for aqueducts, the endless suburbs of L.A. would still be once were: a part desert. But now, these wanted waters roar no more. Vic the Slick, Carmen's showcase of bad taste, has corralled its currents. Armed with an atomic Shop-Vac, he sucked up the water and took it away. Your mission, gumshoes: cut Vic to the quick, return the river to its rightful bed, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Vic, ACME's after you. Hide the river in a sea where you'll find the Greek Archipelago. It was home to Europe's first known great civilization.

Hey, Carmen, what makes 'em so great?

The Minoan culture on Crete goes back about 5,000 years. At a time when most Europeans were still living in the Stone Age, the Minoans were master artists and builders who used a decimal number system and created a form of writing.

Eh, that's pretty good, but no culture is truly great without polyester.

You're hopeless, Vic. Just get moving.

Ladies and gentlemen, Elliott has left the building.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's mob of militant malefactors have marauded again. This time, they struck Istanbul, Turkey. Begun in the middle of the 15th century, Topkapi Palace was home to the ruling Sultans of the Ottoman Empire for almost four centuries. Today, Topkapi houses one of Turkey's finest museums. Amongst the riches displayed there is the turban of Suleiman the Magnificent, the Ottoman warrior, lawmaker, and statesman, whose picture can be seen in the U.S. Capitol Building. But now, Suleiman's topper has been taken. That flashy fleecer Vic the Slick, always on the lookout for an expensive-looking fashion accessory, crept in and cribbed it. Your mission, gumshoes: outslick the Vic, recapture the turban of Suleiman, and then bring Carmen Sandiego to justice.

Vic, they're on to you. Head north of the Arctic Circle to Auyuittuq National Park. It's in a Canadian district.

G-G-Geez, Carmen, sounds a little c-c-cold.

A little cold? Auyuittuq is an Inuit word that means "the land that never melts". The ground freezes at 1,000 feet down. I hear there are no trees at all.

Sounds like I'll have the joint to myself.

Nope. It's home to the Inuit and Dene people. It was named for an Englishman who got lost there, looking for a passage from the Atlantic to the Pacific.

Lost, huh? Eh, couldn't I just go to Baltimore?

Sorry, bub. Get out your polyester earmuffs.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her troop of traitorous troglodytes have turned up again. This time, they struck in Stockholm, Sweden. Alfred Nobel was a Swede who made his fortune by inventing dynamite and other explosives. However, he was a pacifist and was bothered by the destructiveness of his invention. That's why he gave his money away to people's who work benefited mankind, so began the Nobel Prizes. Each year at Stockholm Concert Hall, the gold medals along with millions of dollars are awarded in the fields of physics, chemistry, medicine or physiology, literature, and economics. The Peace Prize is awarded in a separate ceremony in Oslo, Norway. Well, yesterday, the Peace was shattered when Vic the Slick stole into Stockholm and pilfered the Prizes. Theses medals of merit are hanging around his knavish neck as if they were just junk jewelry. Gumshoes, you must nick Vic the Slick, bring the Nobels back to Stockholm, and then manacle that maniacal mastermind Carmen Sandiego.

Carmen, babe, these prize medals look great on me. Real class.

Vic, you wouldn't know real class if it hit you in the face with a gym sock. Now, listen. Go to a money museum in a federal reserve bank.

Hey, sounds great.

It has all kinds of cash on display. Like some of the first coins ever minted, and a block of tea that was once used as currency. It's in a former capital of the Confederate States of America, and hide those medals, or ACME will be on you like that cheap suit.

Hey, I pay top dollar for this suit.

No way!

You're kidding! What'd-- What did he say?!

We're goin' to Europe!

Chief! We're goin' to Europe!

(coughs) This jail cell is awful! (snorts) No matter where I stand, I'm never more than 12 feet away from the soap. (coughs) And it's all Carmen's fault! Go get her in (Continent). (coughs)

Robocrook Unit-059 calling. According to my default program, when imprisoned for more than 11 seconds, I automatically rat on my owner. Look for Carmen in (Continent).

I used to be a sweet innocent schoolgirl. Now I'm a sweet guilty schoolgirl and it's all Carmen's fault! Go look for her in (Continent).

Darn that Carmen! I've gone from Salesman of the Century to starchin' socks in the prison laundry. I'm climbin' down the ladder of success. Look for Carmen in (Continent).

Uh-oh. If Carmen finds out I'm in jail again, I'll get fired for sure. Do me a favor and don't mention that you caught me when you're chasing her through (Continent).

Aw, man! This prison is heinous! The guards keep playing Michael Bolton tapes. Get Carmen in here! She'll make 'em stop! She scooted to (Contient).

All right! Now I can sell my prison memoirs and make a zillion! Get Carmen in here so she can make me a publishin' deal. She's hidin' out in (Continent)

Oh, another planet, another prison cell. Maybe I could spend my sentence getting to know Carmen better. Look for her in (Continent).

That Carmen's a party pooper. We've been in jail for 17 seconds already, and she hasn't even visited yet! Look for her in (Continent).

Chief

And this is Vic the Slick, Carmen's pocket-picking pinchmeister.

(singing) Vic the Slick

Chief

His last known whereabouts: Patagonia in Southern Argentina. Patagonia's Los Glaciares National Park is home to Moreno Glacier, a 22-mile long, three mile wide sheet of ice up to 200 feet thick. At the front of the glacier, a dramatic cliff rises from the water of Lake Argentina. Huge chunks of ice regularly break off and float away but even so, the glacier is getting bigger with every snowfall. Or it did until today when Vic the Slick hauled it off. He's planning to melt the ice down and make billions on Vic's Patagonian bottled water. Here's your job, gumshoes. Catch Carmen, stop the slick one and undo...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...THE GLACIER ERASURE!

We made a mistake, Tahare, the last time you were on this show last season. So we've asked you to come back. So good luck to you. Thanks for comin' back. Ladies and gentlemen, Tahare's here.

They're after you, Vic. Take the glacier to the last African colony to declare independence from Britain. A small landlocked kingdom in southern Africa.

Landlocked? This ice is tough haulin' on land, Carmster.

Hire some help. Pay them with emalangeni. That's the country's currency. King Mswati III is pictured on the bills.

Hey, maybe I could sell the king this burg, huh?

Can you bargain and speak Swati?

Eh, no, but good taste is a universal language.

Then, you're universally illiterate.

Chief

Uh, Greg, isn't this where we're supposed to meet the ferry?

Ferry?

Chief

Yeah.

What ferry?

Aw, man! This prison is heinous! The guards keep playing music by Kenny G. Get Carmen in here before I freak out! She scooted to (continent).

Robocrook Unit-059 calling. The judge threw the wrench at Robocrook. I'm sentenced to 20 years as a jailhouse soda machine. Get Carmen to help. You'll find her in (continent).

This prison gym is terrible. I can only bench press 1000 pounds. Make Carmen bring me more weight. You'll find her in (continent).

(same as season 3)

Prison life is so uncivilized. 600 rooms and not a room service menu in sight. Tell Carmen this is more than I can bear. She went to (continent).

(same as season 3)

Now that I'm in prison, I'll get really famous. They want me on Current Copy, Inside Affair, and Hard Edition. Tell Carmen to cut a deal. You'll find her in (continent).

92 planets, 92 jail cells, My frequent prisoner miles are really adding up. I'll give Carmen a free trip to Roddenberry. Go find her in (continent).

(same as season 3)

(same as season 3)

Chief

This is Vic the Slick.

(singing) Vic the Slick

Chief

He's wanted for robbery and assault with a deadly fabric. His last known whereabouts: London, England. Ravens, they're big, they're black, they're related to crows, and they're on the payroll at the Tower of London. No one's sure when ravens started living at the tower, but legend says the British Empire will collapse if the birds ever leave. So eight ravens are kept as full-time residents. Their wings are clipped so they can't fly away and the birds are cared for by the Royal Ravenmaster. He gets the ravens official food allowance of 15p a week, about 22¢ in U.S. currency. Or he did until today when Vic the Slick slithered in, tiptoeing through the tower ground. He raced to where the ravens roost, then baited the birds with prime slime steak. Vic used T-bones, of course, and that T can only stand for thief. Well, before you could say nevermore, those ravenous ravens have flown the coop with Vic. Now, gumshoes, it's up to you to stop this terrible...

(singing) Woo-woo-ooo-oo

Chief

...CRAVEN RAVEN KNAVERY!

The heat's on, Vic. Whisk those ravens to a peninsula on the Red Sea.

I gotta leave now? But I'm getting my mustache sharpened tomorrow.

No time for that. Now, listen. There's a 1,400-year-old monastery on this peninsula, and its library used to have one of the world's oldest bibles.

Used to? What, somebody put it back on the wrong shelf?

In the mid-1800s, someone borrowed the Bible and never returned it.

Wow. Let's see...[mutters to himself while doing some calculations] ...10¢ a day, 52,500 a day [amazed] Ooh, no wonder it wasn't returned! The overdue fine's a fortune!

These prison clothes offend my unique sense of fashion. Isn't my right to wear plaid in the Constitution? Carmen is in (Continent). Tell her to get me a lawyer.

Know why they call me Wonder Rat? 'Cause it's a wonder that I'd rat on my own boss. (giggles) Carmen scooted to (Continent). Go get her.

I just got back from the prison laundry, and they mixed colors and whites in the same wash! (cries) I can't stand it anymore! Go find Carmen in (Continent). Tell her to help me.

A virus has infected my system software. It causes me to divulge Carmen's location. You'll find her in (Continent). Please, don't say that I sent you.

Prison sports are really fun. I get used as a frisbee, a dartboard, and a second base. Carmen should see me play, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

Aw, man! This prison life is bogus. The guards just confiscated my tattoos. Carmen's gotta spring me, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

This prison food is so dreadfully boring, I can't even get a jar of Grey Poupon. Maybe Carmen could help, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

We were partners in crime. We should be cellmates in jail, but the warden wants to split up this dream team. Carmen's laying low in (Continent). Tell her she's gotta help.

(coughs) Prison life is so disgusting, I can't believe I have to live in a place this clean. (coughs) Carmen's hiding in (Continent). (snorts) Go tell her to spring me. (sneezes)

I thought maybe I take some classes while I was in jail, but the warden says they don't have a nursery school. I need Carmen to help me, but she's in (Continent). Go get her.