Grunge quotes from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?

It's a dirty trick me bein' in da joint and Carmen on the loose. (coughs) Look for her in (the United States/South America/Europe/Africa/Asia). (sneezes)

Hey! I've got some good dirt for ya. Then again, all dirt is good. Anyway, Carmen Sandiego is in (continent). (coughs and sneezes) (Version A)

I'm gettin' lonely here in jail. Me without Carmen is like a dog without a flea. (coughs) You'll find her in (continent). (sneezes) (Version B)

(upside down) Dana. Dana, wanna turn me around? I'm gonna lose the change in my pockets. Dana? (Right-side up) Thank you so much. Thank you.

Chief

Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there on the loose. She's been there for a while, and, well, the natural order of things has gone haywire!

Grunge, those ACME agents have sniffed you out. Go to an African country with residents who might tolerate your smell.

Thanks, Carmen. (sniffs) I just love to meet new people.

Who said anything about people? I meant the famous mountain gorillas studied by Dian Fossey. They were in that movie Gorillas in the Mist.

Geez, Carmen. You expect me to live with animals?

Maybe not. They're still thinking it over. Meet them at their home in the National Park of Volcanoes.

Those gorillas are famous, huh? Maybe I'll brush my teeth for the occasion. (sneezes)

Let me tell you something. This is a particularly tough case and when I get a tough case like this I always go to this woman right over here. Agnes Acme. She's the founder of ACME Crimenet. She's also the great-grandmother of the Chief. I often wonder what she'd do.

Huh-huh-huh! My goodness, this is exciting! Imagine me, a television detective! Huh-huh! Hey, Bullwinkle, who's famous now?

This is Agnes Acme (the words "aka Lynne Thigpen" is shown) speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, if villains make you feel remorseful, call on us. We're kind... yet forceful.

Chief

Remember the ACME motto: ACME agents will be there, catching crooks with special flair.

We just have found out that an ACME Celeb-Net agent has an update for us on his next whereabouts. Kathie Lee?

I can't believe it. That creep has turned up in my favorite place. The city where I was born! Imagine. He's probably sliming down the Champs Élysées right now. Or stinking up the Louvre Museum. He might even be sneezing all over someone's cocoa ban-eseems. Yecch. Cops will never be the same. (Says something in French)

Thanks, Kathie.

Carmen, I think those Gumshoes are on to me. Especially that detective in the middle.

You're sounding much better, Top. Listen. Get on your chopper and head for the Pan American Highway. Ride it all the way down to the end.

Yeah, like what's the Pan American Highway?

It's a highway that goes all the way from Canada to the capital of Chile. That's where you're going, Grunge. (Grunge sneezes) Bless you. Now, get going!

Zip that incessant chatter down there!

Oh, goody. It's our upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. (laughs as he enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger)

I'm sick to death of your tiresome meanderings. Grunge has taken the speedway to the Amalfi Drive. A beautiful and treacherous mountain road. He's headed for a city near there. It's just west of Pompeii. The ancient Roman town that was destroyed by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. Now, go find him, and leave me in peace! (she shuts her window)

(waves goodbye) Thank you. Gosh, she's so sweet, isn't she?

Grunger, they're on to you, but I've got a surprise. Take the speedway to some islands where there aren't any roads.

No roads, Carmen? (coughs) Don't the people there drive?

That's my surprise, fumeface. They're uninhabited. So, there's no one you can offend.

No people, Carmen? Where on earth--

I was just getting to that. These British islands are in the South Atlantic at the east end of the Scotia Sea. Just think, piston breath. You'll have that speedway to yourself.

Hey, Chief! Chief! The Chief's not here. Guess I'll just have to wait for her. (laughs; sits at her desk) This is nice. I like this. This is pretty. (examines some of her things) Cool. Look at all this stuff she has. (magnifies his eye with her magnifying glass) Whoo-whoo-whoo! (laughs) (imitates the Chief's voice) Greg, you're the nerve-center of this whole operation. You're the only one I could count on. Carmen Sandiego is somewhere in the universe, Greg. The boys down at Photo Recon have put together a few slides. Let me show 'em to ya. (turns on the slide projector displaying a blank image) Earth. Population 5,000,000,000. Nice place. Try food. It's a local specialty. (displays a second blank image) The sun. Climate sunny. Don't go barefoot. (laughs and displays a third blank image) Black hole. Roaches check in, but they don't check out! (displays a fourth blank image) Carmen may be prowling around Pluto or hiding on Uranus. Search 'em both. Well, gumshoes, that's the universe. (the Chief walks in) Remember the ACME Triangle of Excellence. (forms the triangle with his hands) My left hand. My right hand. Thumbs. Greg, you're not listening to me. GRE--!

Chief

(turns off the projector) GREG!

Chief

Wha-- You're wasting time! Now, you and the gumshoes have got to find Carmen Sandiego. I'll give a trip anywhere in the lower 48 states to the one who gets her. (applause)

Chief, listen. Uh, I hope you don't think that I was makin' fun of you because actually it was more of a tribute.

Chief

Go away.

Yes, ma'am. (exits the office)

Chief

I don't sound like that.

Grunge, you'd better hide that oil where ACME can't find you. Head for the southern end of the Arabian Peninsula. It'll cost you a few Rials to stay in a hotel. You'll love the place. Water's an extremely short supply.

Great. No danger of a bath.

But you'll have to wear a shirt.

Why?

It's an Islamic country, Grunge. They find uncovered arms offensive.

Gee, Carmen, I like to think that my arms are offensive anywhere.

Why me?

Carmen, those ACME agents have found me again.

No wonder, Grunge. You smell like yesterday's garbage. Now, go to the most remote capital in Europe. It's in a valley surrounded by Pyrenees mountains.

Gee, Carmen, you're always sendin' me to remote places. (coughs) How will I get there?

A henchman who speaks Catalan will take you. Just look for a guy in a gas mask.

A gas mask? Carmen, is the place polluted?

No, your breath is polluted. Now, get moving!

Our next clue is coming to us from ACME Make-Believe-Net. Watch.

Well, Top Grunge went to Lancaster County. It's known for its large Amish and Mennonite population. Those are religious groups that believe in livin' a very simple life. Like me. They don't drive cars or use electricity. Top Grunge caused quite a commotion when he roared up from Harrisburg, and he was a big problem around the Shoofly Pie.

Meow meow meow meow?

Oh, Henrietta, please don't give it away. Wish you well.

Meow meow.

Thanks a lot, neighbors.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego and her mob of mulish miscreants have marauded again. The dirty deed was done in Deutschland. Begun in the 1930s, the Autobahn was the world's first attempt at creating a national highway system. Today, it winds some 10,000 miles throughout Germany, and is thought to be the only major highway in the world without a speed limit. Well, today, Top Grunge grind his way to Germany and got a grip on the famous roadway. It will be sad faces and slow driving all over the land until their beloved Autobahn is returned. Gumshoes, your mission is to release the Autobahn from bondage, topple Top Grunge, and then capture crime queen Carmen Sandiego.

Wow. What a great road. No speed limit! (laughs)

Stop laughing and start leaving, asphalt breath. I want you to haul the highway to N'Djamena. It's the capital of a landlocked African nation.

I don't know, Carmen. Ain't there a war goin' on?

No. The Muslim nomads in the north and the non-Muslim farmers in the south used to fight each other, but that's over. If the city's too risky, head north to the mountains of the Sahara Desert. And get a camel their blanket. It's cold there.

Sounds kinda itchy, Carmen. You know how sensitive my skin is.

That's only because you never washed it.

'Scuse me just one moment. I think I'm getting a message from Kafka. (sets off for The Roach Hotel) Let's check into The Roach Hotel.

Greg, hi. You caught me eating lunch. Anyway, Grunge is on a Peninsula in the Atlantic. Where birds from all over stop on their way south every year. Humans seem to like it, too. The town on the Peninsula's tip is full of lovely Victorian boarding houses and Hotels. The birds like it. The humans like it, but it just isn't damp and stinky enough for a roach like me. Speaking of damp and stinky, I love these things. They're awful.

Chief

Gumshoes, Carmen Sandiego's gang of globe-trotting goons has glommed again. This time, the scene of the crime was Brussels, Belgium, the beautiful city of Renaissance, architecture, great food, and bilingual citizens. But nothing catches a fancy of Brussels visitors like this fountain. With this bronzed statue of a little boy answering the call on May 5. Seriously, the fountain was built in 1619 by a sculptor named Jérôme Duquesnoy. This statue, or manneken as they say in Dutch, is real proof that different cultures find different things offensive, while some societies, perhaps even people in our own, would find this little guy horribly crass and tried to have him destroyed. But in Belgium, he's just an object of whimsical humor. They sell little squirting souvenirs on these streets, and whenever there's a holiday or festival, city workers dress him up in a new custom tailored outfit. Well, today he was abducted. Top Grunge, that grimy greaseball with a permanent cold, bagged him in broad daylight. Gumshoes, here's your mission: get Grunge, reinstate the statue, and then capture Carmen Sandiego.

Hey, Carmen, this statue's leavin' a trail!

Head for Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming and hide the statue behind the famous geyser.

What's a geyser?

A hole in the earth that spits out water and steam. It's generated by red-hot magma beneath the earth's surface.

I don't know, Carmen. Didn't they have a huge forest fire a few years back?

Don't worry. If it happens again, the mountains can help put it out. And you'll love the geyser, Grunge. It smells like sulfur.

What does sulfur smell like?

Rotten eggs. Just like you.

Carmen, that's the nicest thing you ever said to me. (sneezes)

Chief

This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? and remember: It's not a brag, it's not a bolt, we turn criminals into pulp.

(coughs) This jail cell is awful! (snorts) No matter where I stand, I'm never more than 12 feet away from the soap. (coughs) And it's all Carmen's fault! Go get her in (Continent). (coughs)

Robocrook Unit-059 calling. According to my default program, when imprisoned for more than 11 seconds, I automatically rat on my owner. Look for Carmen in (Continent).

I used to be a sweet innocent schoolgirl. Now I'm a sweet guilty schoolgirl and it's all Carmen's fault! Go look for her in (Continent).

Darn that Carmen! I've gone from Salesman of the Century to starchin' socks in the prison laundry. I'm climbin' down the ladder of success. Look for Carmen in (Continent).

Uh-oh. If Carmen finds out I'm in jail again, I'll get fired for sure. Do me a favor and don't mention that you caught me when you're chasing her through (Continent).

Aw, man! This prison is heinous! The guards keep playing Michael Bolton tapes. Get Carmen in here! She'll make 'em stop! She scooted to (Contient).

All right! Now I can sell my prison memoirs and make a zillion! Get Carmen in here so she can make me a publishin' deal. She's hidin' out in (Continent)

Oh, another planet, another prison cell. Maybe I could spend my sentence getting to know Carmen better. Look for her in (Continent).

That Carmen's a party pooper. We've been in jail for 17 seconds already, and she hasn't even visited yet! Look for her in (Continent).

These prison clothes offend my unique sense of fashion. Isn't my right to wear plaid in the Constitution? Carmen is in (Continent). Tell her to get me a lawyer.

Know why they call me Wonder Rat? 'Cause it's a wonder that I'd rat on my own boss. (giggles) Carmen scooted to (Continent). Go get her.

I just got back from the prison laundry, and they mixed colors and whites in the same wash! (cries) I can't stand it anymore! Go find Carmen in (Continent). Tell her to help me.

A virus has infected my system software. It causes me to divulge Carmen's location. You'll find her in (Continent). Please, don't say that I sent you.

Prison sports are really fun. I get used as a frisbee, a dartboard, and a second base. Carmen should see me play, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

Aw, man! This prison life is bogus. The guards just confiscated my tattoos. Carmen's gotta spring me, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

This prison food is so dreadfully boring, I can't even get a jar of Grey Poupon. Maybe Carmen could help, but she's in (Continent). Go find her.

We were partners in crime. We should be cellmates in jail, but the warden wants to split up this dream team. Carmen's laying low in (Continent). Tell her she's gotta help.

(coughs) Prison life is so disgusting, I can't believe I have to live in a place this clean. (coughs) Carmen's hiding in (Continent). (snorts) Go tell her to spring me. (sneezes)

I thought maybe I take some classes while I was in jail, but the warden says they don't have a nursery school. I need Carmen to help me, but she's in (Continent). Go get her.