A character in Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?
3rd most-quoted character in Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?: in 86 of its 274 quotes
Most scenes with: Chief (60), Carmen (48), Rockapella (38)
Now, Eartha has been very busy. She left Germany, went over to Denmark, crossed the water, went to Sweden, cut back to Wales, then up to Ireland, then she jumped into the water, swam away, and we lost her. Sorry.
Chief, d'you have any money?
Detectives, ACME Art-Net has tracked Vic the Slick to the place where Leonardo painted Lisa. Vic was spotted pinching a pinkie ring at the Ponte Vecchio, where they've been making jewelry since 1593. Now this city is often called "The Birthplace of the Renaissance", and the artists Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo did some of their greatest works here. Their recent decision to become ninja turtles has initially been controversial, but is now regarded as just another example of their genius.
(picks up the phone) ACME Crime Net.
ACME Crime Net? It's Lisa. (furiously) WHEN a-you are gone, a-rescue me!! If this jerk drags me through the Van Gogh Museum one more time, I'm gonna throw him in the Amstel River! Everything's written in Dutch. Get me out of here right now!!!
We're on the case, ma'am! Thanks so much for calling. Been a pleasure. Bye. (hangs up the phone) I love it when she calls.
(knock at door)
Yeah, come in.
(Scott, the Dying Informant, screams as he gets thrown inside, but in the wrong position, so he moves properly to the drawn outline of a dead body)
I think we have a serious problem here. What's the matter, dude? Hey, come on. What's the matter?
(gags) I saw Vic in a Japanese-- (gags)
Come on. You can't die now. A Japanese what? A Japanese what? Come on!
An industrial center in western Japaaaaaaaan!!!
Come on! We need a little bit more. Just a little bit more! Come on.
The city's famous for Bunraku... Japanese Puppet Theater! (gags)
Is that it? That's all ya had to say to me? Is that it?! Haven't ya got anymore?! (loudly) ANSWER ME!!!!
(screams, then calmly:) It's just south of... Kyoto! (he gets up, spins around, does splits, and collapses again)
Scott, the Dying Informant! (applause; Scott picks up his hat) One more time! Bravo! How wonderful! (Scott heads back to the alley)
Hey, boss lady, I gotta stash Lisa someplace. She's gettin' on my nerves.
Take her to a souk in Morocco.
Souk? What's a souk?
It's an outdoor market where you can find everything from snake charmers to pastries filled with pigeon meat. Vic, you'll love the souk. You can argue over the price of everything.
Yeah? Where is this Morocco place, huh?
It's a country in northern Africa on the Mediterranean Sea. And, Vic?
Yeah?
Lose the plaid suit.
Oh Carmen, you've got no style.
Greg?
Yeah, Chief?
Greg, in my office. It's this fax.
Oh. Just a second. I gotta go help her. I'll be right back. (to the audience, quietly) She needs me. (enters the office, where the fax is on the fritz) What's the matter?
You see? I can't get it to work. It's--
(smacks the machine, and the note comes out of it) Gotta smack it in the right place.
All right. Read it to me.
Uh, well, you know, it just-- It just kinda says what it says.
Well, it's gotta be something. Read it!
Okay. (reads note) "Dear Chief, you are a chump. You and your Glum-Shoes still haven't found me or Top Grunge. Catch me if you can. Regards to ACME Slime Net. Signed, Carmen Sandiego", and then, it-- It goes on from there.
Goes on.
Yeah.
What else does it say?
Uh, it says (reads the last part of the note) "P.S.: Nanny-nanny... Poo-poo."
"Nanny-nanny poo-poo"?!
Yeah. I'm sorry, (points to the note) it's right there. It's right there.
"Nanny-nanny poo-poo"?
Yeah.
(laughs) That does it! Detectives-- (looks at Greg, who looks at her)
Yeah. Sorry.
The Gumshoe who puts Carmen Sandiego behind bars will get a free trip anywhere in the lower 48 states! (applause) I've had it. (sarcastically) "Nanny-nanny poo-poo".
You know, Chief, I tell ya, I would never think of you as a chump. I mean you may have some chumpish qualities from time to time, but basically--
Go away.
Chump. Uh, check! (exits the office)
For our next clue, we need to go to, uh-- You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure exactly where we go. I forgot what are next clue is. I'm sorry. Uh, Chief? Chief? I'm sorry. I forgot what the next clue was. If you could tell me, then we could-- we could get started.
Well, you got me, Greg. I don't know.
You don't know?
No.
Oh, great. Uh, well, then, I'll just go up to ACME Control Net. I'll find out. I'll give you the clue. I'll come back. I'm sorry, guys. I don't know how this happens. I'm very frustrated about this. Excuse me, guys. I'm sorry. I'm tryin' to get a job done here if you don't-- Pardon me. Excuse me. I just-- You know, if you want a job done right, the ol' Gregger. (enters ACME Control Net) Hey, guys. How you doin'? Hi. Hey, Dana, you got any clues?
Greg, you're not supposed to be in here. You're supposed to be in the office. Go.
We need more clues though.
All right, tell the Gumshoes to go to the Pompidou Center who was a Moulin Rouge. All right, now, again, we got a show to do.
All right.
Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's one more thing. Take these Francs. You'll need those. Okay? Now, scoot. Come on. Let's go.
Okay. You know, it is really cool back here. I've never been in here before. What is that thing right over there?
That's the Gumsholator, Greg.
Cool. Cool. What's this thing right here?
Don't touch that! (Greg pushes a button which causes static and a technical difficulty)
Hi. Sorry. They had a little technical difficulty, but we're back and everything is okay!
(the monitor shows "Presence Requested At Once")
Greg?
Yeah, Chief?
In my office right away.
Okay. Uh, I'll be right there. You guys stick here. Lemme find out what she wants. (laughs) My mentor calls. (enters the office where the Chief has grown two faces)
Oh, Greg, the investigation is starting to worry me. Now, Carmen Sandiego is--
Chief.
Don't interrupt. Carmen Sandiego is being extra tricky.
Chief.
Now, if-- All right, what is it?
Chief, it's your face. Uh, there's one more than usual.
Well, I was getting to that.
Okay. All right.
Now, if we're gonna crack this case, we'll need as many pairs of eyes as possible. So, I've grown an extra face and I suggest you do the same.
That seems a little extreme to me, Chief. Uh, there's gotta be a better way. Uh, I know, we could offer the gumshoes a trip to anywhere in the lower 48 states. That'll get 'em to catch Carmen Sandiego. (applause)
Oh, well, say, well, that should do it. Well, I guess I don't need this anymore then.
I don't think so.
(pushes her two faces back together as one) Oh.
Okay. Good move, Chief. I tell ya, (laughs) that two face thing was freaky. I mean, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was weird. I mean, they were nice faces and don't look at me wrong. But that is distracting--
Go away.
Yes, ma'am. Okay. (exits the office)
I'm running out of ideas.
Have you ever had one? Set your course for a British crown colony in the Windward Islands.
Why there?
You can hide your arch in the mountains, but watch out. They're volcanic. There're steaming vents and pools of boiling water I wouldn't want you to rust.
You're so thoughtful, Carmen.
If I didn't watch out for you, who would?
(after Ali finds the Loot, the Warrant, and Robo in the right order on the very first try) Man alive! I've never seen that done before! That is amazing!
Carmen, these teeth are grossing me out! Why didn't you give this job to Top Grunge?
Quit your whining, Patty. You have to move fast. Head for Africa's second largest country. It's on the Mediterranean coast.
But I don't even know anyone in Africa!
I have a close friend who'll meet you. She'll be wearing a veil.
A veil? Is that what all the women wear?
Only the strict Muslims. They believe it's improper to be in public unless they cover their lower face. Now stop with the questions. You just have to go.
Greg! Greg, who's that?
Right here? This is... This is Scott. We had a little... We had a little problem. We normally have a service that comes in and...
I see. Wanna see something special?
Yeah. Yeah.
Watch this.
Okay.
Yo! Yo! Scott! Rise.
(gets back on his feet, alive) Whoo! I feel great!
Ladies and gentlemen, Scott, the Dying Informant, is alive!
(the audience cheers and applauds as Scott returns to the alley)
Now, Gregg, you have some interesting career plans. Tell us about you career plans.
Yeah, I like to be either a Stand-up comedian or a Baseball Manager. (applause)
Stand-up comedian or a Baseball Manager. Now, wait. Come right up here. 'Cause they just don't want you to talk into the microphone quite that closely. It's on. It's workin' fine. Okay. So, you wanna be a Stand-up comedian. Tell me. What kinda jokes do you do?
Well, um, I make phony phone calls to 1-800 numbers, um--
Yeah.
I make-- I make funny surveys and go to random people who I don't know, and um, I tell 'em knock knock jokes.
You tell 'em knock knock jokes. You can tell he's a comedian by the way he's workin' that microphone, you guys. Yeah, you can just stand right up there, Gregg. It's cool. Just stand right there. That's cool the way it is. You tell knock knock jokes.
Yeah.
Would you guys like to hear a knock knock joke by any chance?
Yeah!
Okay, Gregory, lay one on us. Let's hear it.
Knock knock. (Greg laughs)
Who's there?
Humpty.
Humpty who?
They call me Humpty, with... I say it with an "-umpty"! I really am kinda funky!
Gregg, ladies and gentlemen! Come on! Come on. Tough, tough crowd.
Robocrook! (sings their fanfare)
(Gregg goes to the chain, when the confetti is ready to fall, but steps back to his podium when he sees it falling)
Yeah! Yeah! Oh, yeah, get in there. (laughs) Come on over here, Gregg. (Gregg walks to the chain) Be sure you get plenty of that on you, dude.
(upside down) Dana. Dana, wanna turn me around? I'm gonna lose the change in my pockets. Dana? (Right-side up) Thank you so much. Thank you.
Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there on the loose. She's been there for a while, and, well, the natural order of things has gone haywire!
Grunge, those ACME agents have sniffed you out. Go to an African country with residents who might tolerate your smell.
Thanks, Carmen. (sniffs) I just love to meet new people.
Who said anything about people? I meant the famous mountain gorillas studied by Dian Fossey. They were in that movie Gorillas in the Mist.
Geez, Carmen. You expect me to live with animals?
Maybe not. They're still thinking it over. Meet them at their home in the National Park of Volcanoes.
Those gorillas are famous, huh? Maybe I'll brush my teeth for the occasion. (sneezes)
Let me tell you something. This is a particularly tough case and when I get a tough case like this I always go to this woman right over here. Agnes Acme. She's the founder of ACME Crimenet. She's also the great-grandmother of the Chief. I often wonder what she'd do.
Huh-huh-huh! My goodness, this is exciting! Imagine me, a television detective! Huh-huh! Hey, Bullwinkle, who's famous now?
Rockapella (singing): Wacky waterway!
This is Agnes Acme (the words "aka Lynne Thigpen" is shown) speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, if villains make you feel remorseful, call on us. We're kind... yet forceful.
Remember the ACME motto: ACME agents will be there, catching crooks with special flair.
Now, I have a feeling that it's highly possible the Chief will be calling me into her office right about... (the Chief appears on the monitor)
Greg?
...now.
Now. In my office right away.
Okay. You guys stick here. Be back in just a bit. (laughs) I wonder what she'd like to talk about. (enters the office) Yeah, Chief. What's up?
Uh, Greg?
Yeah.
You and the gumshoes have been halfway around the world and you...
...still haven't found Carmen Sandiego.
Yeah, I know.
Right.
Yeah, I know that.
Well, now, you better get...
...your acts together. Otherwise, we're never gonna find her.
Yeah. I know that. (laughs)
Right.
Uh-huh.
Uh, you did you know...
...what you were gonna say?
Well, Chief, I need to tell you something. You're becoming just a little bit predictable.
Predictable? (both laugh) Ridiculous. I've never felt more unpredictable in my life. What makes you think... you're saying everything I say? Stop that! Don't do that! Peanut Butter. Octopus.
See? I can tell. Everytime. You're very predictable. I can tell.
Well, all right, all right. Maybe I am just a little bit. All right? But that still doesn't change the fact that we still haven't...
...found Carmen Sandiego.
I'll offer a free trip anywhere...
...in the lower 48 states to the gumshoe who finds her. (applause)
See? See? See what I'm sayin'? Listen, Chief. You know, I don't mean any offense when I say you're predictable, because a lot of people are a little predictable. I mean, there's really nothing wrong.
Go away.
Yes. Okay. (exits the office)
Eartha, I'm sending you to a place where they could use your Great Wall. Almost half the country is below sea level. Try to make a deal with the government.
So, I should go to the capitol?
No, Amsterdam is the capital, but the seat of the government is a different city.
What? I'm confused.
So, what's new? Move your brawny behind.
Kelly, you have a very special hobby, right?
Yes. I collect tigers. In fact, my nickname's "Tiger".
No kidding! So, therefore, obviously, then, your favorite baseball team would be the Detroit Tigers.
No, I hate the Detroit Tigers! I like the Red Sox.
(on phone) Hello? Carpet delivery? No, we do not-- We don’t have any carpet deliveries...
(a rolled carpet comes down before him)
Yeah, it just got here. Yeah. Thanks a lot. All right. Thanks.
Wait a second. That can only mean one thing. It’s time for the…
Lightning round.
All right, this was for, uh, Crab Alfredo, and pizza. Now we’re talking about detective stuff, but it was kind of a social thing too.
I hope you're keeping a low profile, Contessa.
Of course. I'm in the south of France, at the film festival. Everyone is here. Don and Melanie. Kurt and Goldie. Bruce and Demi. I drove down the Mediterranean coast with Dustin just this morning.
You drove the stolen Bugatti?
Of course not!
Good.
I let Dustin drive it! He just loves classics.
Why me?!
I lost her… in the junk fleet… of Aberdeen Harbor! Oh, baby! (passes out)
Scott, you're really startin' to bug me! (to Kelly and Aziz) Now it's time for you to go to Hong Kong and where you're gonna try to find the Contessa. All right? I want you to know, though, we don't send our agents out into the field unprepared. Right, Scott? (Scott just groans.) Okay.
Now that's Kowloon in the background. It's on the mainland of China but it is still part of Hong Kong.
I had a bird once. It was a parrot, named Seymour. Oh, what a character! He could mimic everything about me. My speech, heh, my little nervous laugh, the way I tilted my head when I was self-conscious, and when…Eventually I couldn’t take the mockery anymore so I had to get rid of him. So, gumshoes, the Contessa and the Bugatti are in Hong Kong. Get going. I got a little writing to do.
This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, and remember: Some like music; some like books; but ACME’s folks like busting crooks!
Okay, guys. It looks like the Double Trouble twins have now just... They've left the country. They boogied completely outta the picture.
Says who?!
(his hand has fake plastic fingers)
Oh, it's you. Uh... Wait a minute. Wait a second!
(he grabs a chair, stands on it, and snatches the plastic fingers off the Voice's hand)
What are these fake plastic fingers ya have on here?!
Hey! Hey! What are you...?! Stop that! How... How come... How come you get to have all the fun? How come I don't ever get to have any of the fun?!
Hey, hey. Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!! HEY!!! Listen. We're in the middle of a criminal investigation here. Now, STOP IT!!
Oh. Okay. I'm sorry, Greg.
Greg, some things are meant to be. Grass is meant to be green. Water is meant to be wet. Carmen Sandiego is meant to be in jail! And she's out there loose, for a while, she's been there, and, well, things have started to go haywire!
Ready for another party, boys?
Geez, we’re always ready, Carmen.
Good. I want you to head down the peninsula from Tijuana to Ensenada.
Well, what’s the occasion?
The start of a famous international off-road race. Hundreds of drivers race all kinds of vehicles across the desert.
We’re rollin’!
Would you stop that infernal R-R-R-R-R-RACKET?!!
My upstairs neighbor, Mrs. Pumpkinclanger. C'mon. (enters the alley and looks up at Mrs. Pumpkinclanger's window) Hey, Mrs. P.!
You're noisier than those party fellows! I could hear they're going one halfway across the country last night. They were in Shreveport, at the Holiday-In-Dixie Festival, eating crawfish gumbo. Now, go catch those hooligans, and leave me in peace! (shuts her window)
Thanks a lot. Thank you!
This is Lynne Thigpen speaking for Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and remember, we solve cases, we deliver; ACME sends crooks up the river!
Now, unfortunately, we completely lost Vic the Slick. I don't know whether he went down at sea, there was a storm at sea, if Alcatraz is now under the Atlantic, I'm just really not...
None of the above! Greg!
Yeah?
My office. Now.
(walks up closer to the Voice) Yeah?
(the Voice slaps his face various times, ala the Three Stooges)
Come on! Why'd ya do that?!
Because I can.
Oh, yeah.
Now, listen. He went to the only territory in North or South America that's still controlled by a European country. He might just be on Devil's Island, the famous ex-prison colony there.
Okay. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it.
Don't mention it. And, Greg?
Yes?
Go away.
Yes. Okay. Sorry.
(he returns to his position)
I don't know who that guy is. But how does he know all that stuff?
Greg, Lemke just called. He says we're in violation of Crime Net regulation 336-2: The Hand-Puppet Clause. They were on PBS. Kids are watching, and we are required to use a hand puppet.
Okay. No problem. No problem. Got it handled.
(he exposes his right hand, which has become his hand puppet, Handy Hancock)
Hi, Handy. Got a clue for us?
I certainly do. Thank you, Gregory. Vic the Slick went to a city where they speak slang called Lunfardo. It's a combination of Spanish and Italian. The country recently changed its currency from the Peso to the Austral.
Really? What's Vic doing there?
He tried to sell the prison as a floating hotel, complete with tango dancers, (the Chief notices that Greg is moving his mouth with Handy's every word) and all sorts of other things that... Uh...
Well, that was interesting, Greg.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Handy Hancock!
(applause)
(takes a bow) Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you!
Okay, guys. Now, it's time for you to go to Buenos Aires to try to find Vic the Slick. But I want you to know, what you gotta do is go out there, find 'em, and bring 'em back. But we don't send our agents out into the field. Right?
Right! Chief, how 'bout a briefing?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? · 274 quotes